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11/23/2014 c1 1TheTigress
Oh... my... crap... this is really good! The emotions are so strong, and Nate's inner thoughts are very well described. I could feel what he was feeling, and I could picture little Max perfectly in my head as well as the other characters. How you described the murder and the way you introduced it was flawless, and it was a nice touch pointing out the fact that, logically, everyone would think Nate was the murderer. I like how he seems to be so paranoid and broken on the inside, even though on the outside he seems to have it more together.

I have no idea what this has to do with the description of the story but I have a feeling I'll find out soon enough. It leaves me very curious and I seriously hope you continue to write this because it has a lot of potential. My brain is buzzing with all of the possible plots that can come of this already. :D

A few things I saw that I wanted to point out:
"the last think he needs" - should be the last "thing"
"as I open back door" - should say "as I open the back door"
"prise it from him" - I think you mean "pry"
"prises" him, also, should be "pries"
11/22/2014 c1 TheGreatEscaper
You've made a solid and intriguing first chapter, and the 1st person perspective is used well to express the character's feelings. I love the dazed feeling of this chapter, but the extremely effective moodily foreboding atmosphere cuts out abruptly near the end to be replaced by a more cliche 'evil guy introduction'. The meeting with Brandon feels a little forced.
The 1st person is great for a first time, and I'm looking forward to seeing how you'll use it in future chapters. The description of the story is very enigmatic, and I'm looking forward to seeing how it'll tie in with the events of this chapter.
As a first chapter it does it's job extremely well; makes us want to read more! :)
11/22/2014 c1 2Unconsciousness
This is a really interesting story and I'm eager to see how it goes and how it will relate to the description. I am already making predictions.
Considering this is your first time writing in first person, you're doing very well. You really exceeded my expectations in that department, that's for sure.
I did see some spelling and grammar mistakes however. If you'd like, I could PM them to you for you to fix.
Another thing I would like to cover is him talking about how he's the killer. I know he's just being sarcastic, but by the end of the chapter, I found myself confused. Is he really the killer? I don't know. That part where it describes how he found her dead did entail that it wasn't him, though. Another thing that I don't really understand is why everyone thinks he's the killer. If he told the police and everyone he found her dead, why would they still believe he did it? Either all those characters are horribly judgmental and stupid, or that was intentional. Either way, I am eager to see how it gets resolved.
Now, this Brandon character, he interests me. He's very suspicious but I don't really see his significance yet. Hopefully that would be introduced soon. Same goes with Connor.

You've already reviewed 30 Day Trial, and that's my only story so I wont ask you to do another one. :P I am currently writing another one and will start publishing it after 30 Day Trial is completely finished. So just take this review as a free gift. c:
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