for How to live for the moment, and love life3/15/2015 c1 
4m. b. whitlock
RG EF #6744
This is an interesting piece. Like another of your fiction works, ’lower case person’, this reads to me like a mixture/hybrid of poetry and prose. Lots of quite arresting imagery and concepts throughout this. You definitely have a unique way of seeing things and I find your non-clichéd linguistic constructions refreshing and unique.
My only real concrit is similar to crit I gave for ‘lower case person’, I just don’t get a sense of character reading this. Since the character lives out her or his whole life it seems by the end of this I feel it would be a more compelling piece if you gave us some specifics. I don’t know the gender of the person, don’t know where the person lives or what the person loves or hates. For me (and I mostly go for more narrative/character-based stuff generally) learning something about people is what draws me into any work of fiction (or poetry, for that manner).
Here are a few quick notes:
“Your exercise book repels you though you know that it might be actually more interesting than staring at light emitting diodes clustered into thousands to create a laptop screen which you've forgotten already.”
Don’t understand why the person forgets the laptop, or is it what was on the laptop screen?
Like this bit very much!:
“You know you are falling asleep before your eyes melt shut.”
Like the ending:
“There's a hope your death will be slow and you'll have time to force thoughts onto your first kiss or the wind in your hair, but after a while, your brain will unclench and you'll think sarcastically, 'hospital food is a total feast,' and that's when you'll die.”
vb,
mbw
4m. b. whitlockRG EF #6744
This is an interesting piece. Like another of your fiction works, ’lower case person’, this reads to me like a mixture/hybrid of poetry and prose. Lots of quite arresting imagery and concepts throughout this. You definitely have a unique way of seeing things and I find your non-clichéd linguistic constructions refreshing and unique.
My only real concrit is similar to crit I gave for ‘lower case person’, I just don’t get a sense of character reading this. Since the character lives out her or his whole life it seems by the end of this I feel it would be a more compelling piece if you gave us some specifics. I don’t know the gender of the person, don’t know where the person lives or what the person loves or hates. For me (and I mostly go for more narrative/character-based stuff generally) learning something about people is what draws me into any work of fiction (or poetry, for that manner).
Here are a few quick notes:
“Your exercise book repels you though you know that it might be actually more interesting than staring at light emitting diodes clustered into thousands to create a laptop screen which you've forgotten already.”
Don’t understand why the person forgets the laptop, or is it what was on the laptop screen?
Like this bit very much!:
“You know you are falling asleep before your eyes melt shut.”
Like the ending:
“There's a hope your death will be slow and you'll have time to force thoughts onto your first kiss or the wind in your hair, but after a while, your brain will unclench and you'll think sarcastically, 'hospital food is a total feast,' and that's when you'll die.”
vb,
mbw
3/15/2015 c1 2Jalux
The use of second person point of view here is a nice touch and it's done not bad considering how tough it can be to nail 2nd person point of view but I question if first person or third person would have achieved a similar effect. I feel the emotional connection which this piece aims for with the death honestly first person would've been superior. The emotion comes across though no doubt especially the last paragraph makes you think about the darker aspects of life but I'll echo another reviewer in saying the extremely short nature of the piece hurts the emotional investment we get simply because bam and it's over.
2JaluxThe use of second person point of view here is a nice touch and it's done not bad considering how tough it can be to nail 2nd person point of view but I question if first person or third person would have achieved a similar effect. I feel the emotional connection which this piece aims for with the death honestly first person would've been superior. The emotion comes across though no doubt especially the last paragraph makes you think about the darker aspects of life but I'll echo another reviewer in saying the extremely short nature of the piece hurts the emotional investment we get simply because bam and it's over.
12/3/2014 c1 1Cheddar-Graham
For the Review Game, Easy Fix
The second person point of view is not easy to pull off. I think in this case, the 'you' actually feels more like 'I' but nevertheless I can feel the emotions you are portraying. The paragraphs are rather disjointed, but I actually like that because it underlines the sense of having lost one's purpose. I also like your observation on the reaction of others to the narrator's grief, but can't help feeling that it will be all too short lived.
1Cheddar-GrahamFor the Review Game, Easy Fix
The second person point of view is not easy to pull off. I think in this case, the 'you' actually feels more like 'I' but nevertheless I can feel the emotions you are portraying. The paragraphs are rather disjointed, but I actually like that because it underlines the sense of having lost one's purpose. I also like your observation on the reaction of others to the narrator's grief, but can't help feeling that it will be all too short lived.