for The Sibyl Book 1 : Pestilence2/14/2023 c1 knockmeoffmyfeet
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10/28/2017 c7 
3Sychronergy
I love the introduction of The Sibyl. I love your description of her and I just completely love her entrance. I also love the scene with the doe and the conversation. I'm not sure - I don't condone any kind of animal killing at all, but that is one memorable as hell scene you've got there. I also liked how the protagonist wondered if they were going to meet a similar fate as the doe.
Anyway, this newest chapter is by far the best in my opinion. Good balance of writing, tension, suspense, forward momentum, foreshadowing and the thing about the doe & Hope being the fourth fighter kept me guessing because I was not expecting that. I like everything that happened in this chapter and I anticipate all their individual fights.
3SychronergyI love the introduction of The Sibyl. I love your description of her and I just completely love her entrance. I also love the scene with the doe and the conversation. I'm not sure - I don't condone any kind of animal killing at all, but that is one memorable as hell scene you've got there. I also liked how the protagonist wondered if they were going to meet a similar fate as the doe.
Anyway, this newest chapter is by far the best in my opinion. Good balance of writing, tension, suspense, forward momentum, foreshadowing and the thing about the doe & Hope being the fourth fighter kept me guessing because I was not expecting that. I like everything that happened in this chapter and I anticipate all their individual fights.
10/28/2017 c6 Sychronergy
I feel like, at some point, the characters start to sound alike. There's no tension in the dialogue and they sort of "just talk" which makes the prose sort of long-winded and robotic. You have an amazing plot and a lot of room for conflict, action, backstories, etc. Yet, I don't see much of that from any of the characters. I also don't see much development and I would suggest that some characters should start to change by now just to shake things up a little more :P
I feel like, at some point, the characters start to sound alike. There's no tension in the dialogue and they sort of "just talk" which makes the prose sort of long-winded and robotic. You have an amazing plot and a lot of room for conflict, action, backstories, etc. Yet, I don't see much of that from any of the characters. I also don't see much development and I would suggest that some characters should start to change by now just to shake things up a little more :P
10/28/2017 c2 Sychronergy
Your sensory details are wonderful. I adore your first paragraph. You build up the atmosphere wonderfully and I love the metamorphosis of the brilliant, colorful field to the rotten decays and howling wind. I think your descriptions are the strongest point of your writing. Your characterizations are also pretty good - professors act like professors, college students act like college students. Everybody's unique in their own way.
I sort of wish that other than being scared, the protagonist had more unique insight about her dreams, though. At some point, the writing sorts of starts to ramble and go off the tangent (like the character sort of just goes into her own mind and ignores the world around her) - Oddly, there's an appeal in that that aligns with the protagonist (sort of awkward introvert-ish kind of girl) but the tangents sort of makes me scratch my head? Maybe because I'm personally extroverted so I'm not use to that POV :P
Your sensory details are wonderful. I adore your first paragraph. You build up the atmosphere wonderfully and I love the metamorphosis of the brilliant, colorful field to the rotten decays and howling wind. I think your descriptions are the strongest point of your writing. Your characterizations are also pretty good - professors act like professors, college students act like college students. Everybody's unique in their own way.
I sort of wish that other than being scared, the protagonist had more unique insight about her dreams, though. At some point, the writing sorts of starts to ramble and go off the tangent (like the character sort of just goes into her own mind and ignores the world around her) - Oddly, there's an appeal in that that aligns with the protagonist (sort of awkward introvert-ish kind of girl) but the tangents sort of makes me scratch my head? Maybe because I'm personally extroverted so I'm not use to that POV :P
10/28/2017 c1 Sychronergy
My first impression is that you use a lot of ellipsis and they sort of weaken your writing because it sounds like there are a lot of pauses. Evil characters plotting the end of the world is always a good, exciting place to kick off any work of fiction. I do think you have a strong opening scene, though your main character, other than someone calling her a seer bitch, seems to be a bit not present and weak. I like the characterization of the four brothers, especially the second maniacal one. Though I like them (I tend to like villains anyway) I'm sort of thinking they are a little cliché - standard evil, otherworldly being that feeds on human misery, haha. :P
My first impression is that you use a lot of ellipsis and they sort of weaken your writing because it sounds like there are a lot of pauses. Evil characters plotting the end of the world is always a good, exciting place to kick off any work of fiction. I do think you have a strong opening scene, though your main character, other than someone calling her a seer bitch, seems to be a bit not present and weak. I like the characterization of the four brothers, especially the second maniacal one. Though I like them (I tend to like villains anyway) I'm sort of thinking they are a little cliché - standard evil, otherworldly being that feeds on human misery, haha. :P
9/11/2017 c1 33CheddarBrat789
I really like the suspenseful and immersive feel that this opening chapter gives off. You do a great job at being descriptive without going overboard, which I'll admit I've had problems accomplishing in the past. At this point I'm curious about what happens next, and how these mysterious four figures are going to take over the world, and definitely tempted to read another chapter at least. Overall, nice work.
33CheddarBrat789I really like the suspenseful and immersive feel that this opening chapter gives off. You do a great job at being descriptive without going overboard, which I'll admit I've had problems accomplishing in the past. At this point I'm curious about what happens next, and how these mysterious four figures are going to take over the world, and definitely tempted to read another chapter at least. Overall, nice work.
7/6/2016 c3 3This Guy Again
Hey there from the roadhouse!
First thing I'll say is that as I was reading this I forgot I was supposed to be reviewing it. I really was engrossed. You really did a fantastic job of capturing the chaos and the fear of the scenario. I could practically feel my heart rate rising as I read!
I did spot a couple of mistakes here and there. It seems like you were so caught up in the excitement that they managed to slip through. One that stuck out was [debris was coming down in heaps, hitting the ground with great rocky roars thumps] you only need either 'roars' or 'thumps' here. Given that her ears are supposed to be ringing from the explosion I'd say 'thumps' is the best choice.
Other than that I don't really think there were any other points of criticism. This was a very well written chapter. The pacing was spot on. The transition from the initial uneasy calm of the lecture hall into the chaos of the escape felt really natural.
You've got a knack for imagery and all throughout I found myself imagining vivid pictures of what was going on! You also have a good understanding of varying sentences to keep things fresh and exciting. Overall this was again a really good chapter!
3This Guy AgainHey there from the roadhouse!
First thing I'll say is that as I was reading this I forgot I was supposed to be reviewing it. I really was engrossed. You really did a fantastic job of capturing the chaos and the fear of the scenario. I could practically feel my heart rate rising as I read!
I did spot a couple of mistakes here and there. It seems like you were so caught up in the excitement that they managed to slip through. One that stuck out was [debris was coming down in heaps, hitting the ground with great rocky roars thumps] you only need either 'roars' or 'thumps' here. Given that her ears are supposed to be ringing from the explosion I'd say 'thumps' is the best choice.
Other than that I don't really think there were any other points of criticism. This was a very well written chapter. The pacing was spot on. The transition from the initial uneasy calm of the lecture hall into the chaos of the escape felt really natural.
You've got a knack for imagery and all throughout I found myself imagining vivid pictures of what was going on! You also have a good understanding of varying sentences to keep things fresh and exciting. Overall this was again a really good chapter!
7/5/2016 c2 This Guy Again
Hey there from the roadhouse!
First thing's first, once again you filled this chapter with some fantastic and vivid imagery. You've got a good grasp on that kind of writing. Very well done! One small bit I liked in particular was the description of the grass under Regan's feet. I could almost feel it myself!
One thing that I do object to is the use of parentheses. I'm not sure why but they always look a little out of place whenever I see them.
I don't think I spotted any errors with spelling or grammar in this chapter which is always good. It flowed really well and again the pacing felt natural. The dialogue was believable and so was the whole college environment that you showed us.
I liked how you ended it so abruptly. Definitely a good way to keep my attention as a reader. If this was a physical book I wouldn't be able to help myself from turning another page. Good job and a good chapter overall!
Hey there from the roadhouse!
First thing's first, once again you filled this chapter with some fantastic and vivid imagery. You've got a good grasp on that kind of writing. Very well done! One small bit I liked in particular was the description of the grass under Regan's feet. I could almost feel it myself!
One thing that I do object to is the use of parentheses. I'm not sure why but they always look a little out of place whenever I see them.
I don't think I spotted any errors with spelling or grammar in this chapter which is always good. It flowed really well and again the pacing felt natural. The dialogue was believable and so was the whole college environment that you showed us.
I liked how you ended it so abruptly. Definitely a good way to keep my attention as a reader. If this was a physical book I wouldn't be able to help myself from turning another page. Good job and a good chapter overall!
7/5/2016 c1 This Guy Again
Hey there from the roadhouse!
Sorry this has taken so long to come, moving houses and such has taken away a lot of my free time.
A lot of people seem to have issues with prologues even existing but I've never been bothered by it at all. While I liked the foreword I can't help but feel like it is actually just a little bit too short to stand on its own.
Your imagery was really great throughout. You really did manage to paint a pretty vivid scene in my mind. Good job! Another thing that I think you did really well was the description of the the figures hunger for power. Very well done.
I think all of the spelling/grammar errors have been pointed out in other reviews by now, so I won't mention them again.
Flow-wise, this was pretty good. The pacing felt pretty much perfect. You gave us quite the teaser of things to come, while leaving plenty of questions that we want answering. A very nice prologue overall. Good job!
Hey there from the roadhouse!
Sorry this has taken so long to come, moving houses and such has taken away a lot of my free time.
A lot of people seem to have issues with prologues even existing but I've never been bothered by it at all. While I liked the foreword I can't help but feel like it is actually just a little bit too short to stand on its own.
Your imagery was really great throughout. You really did manage to paint a pretty vivid scene in my mind. Good job! Another thing that I think you did really well was the description of the the figures hunger for power. Very well done.
I think all of the spelling/grammar errors have been pointed out in other reviews by now, so I won't mention them again.
Flow-wise, this was pretty good. The pacing felt pretty much perfect. You gave us quite the teaser of things to come, while leaving plenty of questions that we want answering. A very nice prologue overall. Good job!
3/2/2016 c1 2Jon Keeling
Hey Chenna,
I have finally gotten around to looking at this piece and I must say that I am completely intrigued in this opener. It is fully shrouded in mystery and I look forward to reading further.
I am glad to say that I can find nothing wrong with the style and the imagery is excellent.
I'll let you know how I feel after I read on.
Regards,
Jon
2Jon KeelingHey Chenna,
I have finally gotten around to looking at this piece and I must say that I am completely intrigued in this opener. It is fully shrouded in mystery and I look forward to reading further.
I am glad to say that I can find nothing wrong with the style and the imagery is excellent.
I'll let you know how I feel after I read on.
Regards,
Jon
3/1/2016 c1 4SForces
I find a good prologue is hard to write and is something that can be difficult to master. Imagine the prologue as the one chapter a reader in a book store would read before placing the book back on the shelf and searching elsewhere.
I think this prologue was written decently, but it didn't achieve much that couldn't have been learnt gradually throughout the store. There were a lot of questions raised as the four were communicating between each other. Their discussion was sort of cliche, and I felt while it added some substance to the story it didn't enough to be a chapter by its own.
That being said your imagery was good. I was a little confused as to why you kept using an ellipses in your writing. It has many uses to help portray hesitation. People sometimes use it to try and convey how the person is speaking. However in the instances you used the "..." it didn't seem to convey the message that I think was trying to be shown.
Example:
I wasn’t really . . . well, what I mean . . . see, the thing is . . . I didn’t mean it.
4SForcesI find a good prologue is hard to write and is something that can be difficult to master. Imagine the prologue as the one chapter a reader in a book store would read before placing the book back on the shelf and searching elsewhere.
I think this prologue was written decently, but it didn't achieve much that couldn't have been learnt gradually throughout the store. There were a lot of questions raised as the four were communicating between each other. Their discussion was sort of cliche, and I felt while it added some substance to the story it didn't enough to be a chapter by its own.
That being said your imagery was good. I was a little confused as to why you kept using an ellipses in your writing. It has many uses to help portray hesitation. People sometimes use it to try and convey how the person is speaking. However in the instances you used the "..." it didn't seem to convey the message that I think was trying to be shown.
Example:
I wasn’t really . . . well, what I mean . . . see, the thing is . . . I didn’t mean it.
2/28/2016 c1 7Leon Wite
Hello,
First thing first, grammar/syntax rules apply different in different... regions so I try not to do grammar edits in reviews, but they are a little distracting, so within the first paragraph:
"The air was electric (good), and wind cut through like a blade (a little awkward).(L)eaves whistling as they swung on the trees..."
"Few were out at this hour(;) none at all in this particular section of Central Park aside from a sleeping woman draped across a wooden bench(,) like a tattered quilt freshly beaten for dust."
"She clutched weakly at the newspaper pages(,) shielding her against the (chilly wind) (while) mumbling something softly (on her breath ? a little awkward 'under her breath?'), but did not wake at (the sound of a voice near) her... and if she had, she would see nothing.
"The figures were not of her world, were more than what any humans was capable of seeing" (awkwardly phrased).
There are little errors throughout, but now beyond that:
You're dialogues are good. The four figures reminds me of the four deadly horsemen of the Apocalypse.
I'm guessing the ellipses are artistic chooses for longer pauses, except ellipses are omission of words. If you want longer pauses for dramatic effect, I suggest:
"The four looked up through the trees.
Morning was coming.
The sun, a looming orb behind the city's silhouette, cast the sky in a fusion of pink, purple, and blue.
The time was coming.
The time was near.
'It begins today.'"
Of course, you are actually omitting words.
Keep it up, happy writing.
7Leon WiteHello,
First thing first, grammar/syntax rules apply different in different... regions so I try not to do grammar edits in reviews, but they are a little distracting, so within the first paragraph:
"The air was electric (good), and wind cut through like a blade (a little awkward).(L)eaves whistling as they swung on the trees..."
"Few were out at this hour(;) none at all in this particular section of Central Park aside from a sleeping woman draped across a wooden bench(,) like a tattered quilt freshly beaten for dust."
"She clutched weakly at the newspaper pages(,) shielding her against the (chilly wind) (while) mumbling something softly (on her breath ? a little awkward 'under her breath?'), but did not wake at (the sound of a voice near) her... and if she had, she would see nothing.
"The figures were not of her world, were more than what any humans was capable of seeing" (awkwardly phrased).
There are little errors throughout, but now beyond that:
You're dialogues are good. The four figures reminds me of the four deadly horsemen of the Apocalypse.
I'm guessing the ellipses are artistic chooses for longer pauses, except ellipses are omission of words. If you want longer pauses for dramatic effect, I suggest:
"The four looked up through the trees.
Morning was coming.
The sun, a looming orb behind the city's silhouette, cast the sky in a fusion of pink, purple, and blue.
The time was coming.
The time was near.
'It begins today.'"
Of course, you are actually omitting words.
Keep it up, happy writing.
7/7/2015 c1 123A Fire Rose
Nice description of the breeze and the atmosphere in the beginning! The sentence about New York sleeping was not quite right. Probably need a comma before as, because the "as" reads like a simultaneous "as." Love the description of the homeless woman, although "beaten for dust" doesn't quite make sense. You mean with the dust freshly beaten out? The comma between the figures not of her world and the rest of it should be a period. Need a comma between "we have waited so long" and "moaned another figure." Need a period after "motor oil."
How old is the woman? I pictured middle-aged.
I really was drawn into this. What an interesting premise! It has me very curious.
123A Fire RoseNice description of the breeze and the atmosphere in the beginning! The sentence about New York sleeping was not quite right. Probably need a comma before as, because the "as" reads like a simultaneous "as." Love the description of the homeless woman, although "beaten for dust" doesn't quite make sense. You mean with the dust freshly beaten out? The comma between the figures not of her world and the rest of it should be a period. Need a comma between "we have waited so long" and "moaned another figure." Need a period after "motor oil."
How old is the woman? I pictured middle-aged.
I really was drawn into this. What an interesting premise! It has me very curious.
7/4/2015 c4 Jenny L. Gale
I am so loving your story. You've created a world and characters one could lose themselves in. Thanks.
I am so loving your story. You've created a world and characters one could lose themselves in. Thanks.