for Angelica's Hair1/2/2015 c1 LittleDeadFly
[The silvery bell teetered above their heads as they entered. The frosty pink ringlets on the head in front of her swished in the breeze created by the closing swing of the door before laying tamely down the back of the neck once more. Sarah caught herself pausing to hold her breath at the sight then shook her head and followed after. Angelica had been sporting this shade of dye for a few months longer than she usually kept a color, and Sarah was loath to admit it suited her sibling's tanner complexion. She understood well the unassuming browns of her mousey exterior left her more than a touch plainer. Swallowing her bitterness she took the bowled high stool across from her sister.]
Don't try too hard in making things sound good as opposed to making sure it makes sense. Remember that sparse descriptions can work just as well as trying to force every fancy word imaginable to make it sound poetic.
Regardless, I do like what you were going for. It's just that the message and the symbolism behind Angelica's hair is drowned in forced poetic prose.
[The silvery bell teetered above their heads as they entered. The frosty pink ringlets on the head in front of her swished in the breeze created by the closing swing of the door before laying tamely down the back of the neck once more. Sarah caught herself pausing to hold her breath at the sight then shook her head and followed after. Angelica had been sporting this shade of dye for a few months longer than she usually kept a color, and Sarah was loath to admit it suited her sibling's tanner complexion. She understood well the unassuming browns of her mousey exterior left her more than a touch plainer. Swallowing her bitterness she took the bowled high stool across from her sister.]
Don't try too hard in making things sound good as opposed to making sure it makes sense. Remember that sparse descriptions can work just as well as trying to force every fancy word imaginable to make it sound poetic.
Regardless, I do like what you were going for. It's just that the message and the symbolism behind Angelica's hair is drowned in forced poetic prose.