for Over The Frozen Hills8/22/2016 c10 Naerie
First of all I just want to say; wow, what the heck and why will you never finish this?
There's just something so unique about this story and seriously, you have something good going here. I find it a little interesting how none of the characters have spoken, despite there being 10 chapters, definitely a different reading experience.
Not going to lie, I didn't find many errors with this story, so I have nothing really to say in that department.
Jamieson is a very well written, deep character and despite his non-talkyness, I feel like I can connect with him out of empathy.
The mysterious character with the goat... I really want to know what is happening with that. Is she stuck in a program of sorts. I can assume that she is the one that Jamieson is experimenting on though.
You've left me with so many questions. It's such a shame that you'll never finish. I would have most definitely seen this one through. Man, if this were a book series, I'd make sure I had every volume. :)
~Jaye
First of all I just want to say; wow, what the heck and why will you never finish this?
There's just something so unique about this story and seriously, you have something good going here. I find it a little interesting how none of the characters have spoken, despite there being 10 chapters, definitely a different reading experience.
Not going to lie, I didn't find many errors with this story, so I have nothing really to say in that department.
Jamieson is a very well written, deep character and despite his non-talkyness, I feel like I can connect with him out of empathy.
The mysterious character with the goat... I really want to know what is happening with that. Is she stuck in a program of sorts. I can assume that she is the one that Jamieson is experimenting on though.
You've left me with so many questions. It's such a shame that you'll never finish. I would have most definitely seen this one through. Man, if this were a book series, I'd make sure I had every volume. :)
~Jaye
6/6/2016 c2 
2R.M.Spencer
There is a lot of nice imagery here and it is a good start to the story. The ending was particularly sharp. He claims he is not a bad man, but actually a good one, which seemed to be more of a justification to himself than anything else. Then at the end, you drop in the detail that he killed his wife, which he justifies again. It makes me wonder what the hell he is doing in that lab and what kind of person he really is.
However, the random detail about a radio being illegal seems to contradict the previous statement that if he couldn't be a doctor he could be a musician. Is music illegal or just the devices that play it (which wouldn't make any sense)? And if music is illegal, how could he be a musician (again, wouldn't make sense)?
The language gets a little too pretty sometimes and the sentences get very long. You describe the lab in abstract imagery. I would take a moment to give me the layout of it, and all the strange technology, with more concrete, straitforward descriptions. You can see the lab perfectly in your head, because you are the one who imagined it, but it doesn't translate as well into something that I can see as the reader.
Overall though, there are some strong elements to the chapter and it piqued my interest.
2R.M.SpencerThere is a lot of nice imagery here and it is a good start to the story. The ending was particularly sharp. He claims he is not a bad man, but actually a good one, which seemed to be more of a justification to himself than anything else. Then at the end, you drop in the detail that he killed his wife, which he justifies again. It makes me wonder what the hell he is doing in that lab and what kind of person he really is.
However, the random detail about a radio being illegal seems to contradict the previous statement that if he couldn't be a doctor he could be a musician. Is music illegal or just the devices that play it (which wouldn't make any sense)? And if music is illegal, how could he be a musician (again, wouldn't make sense)?
The language gets a little too pretty sometimes and the sentences get very long. You describe the lab in abstract imagery. I would take a moment to give me the layout of it, and all the strange technology, with more concrete, straitforward descriptions. You can see the lab perfectly in your head, because you are the one who imagined it, but it doesn't translate as well into something that I can see as the reader.
Overall though, there are some strong elements to the chapter and it piqued my interest.
3/1/2016 c1 2Jon Keeling
One of the greatest things about pieces written, not only in first person, but in present tenses, is the strong feeling of immediacy. The imagery in this prologue is well-crafted, vivid and paints a very bleak and dark tapestry for the following tale to be set upon. Especially, the notion of waking up and not knowing exactly what or where you are because even when in familiar surroundings you can awaken with a feeling of being lost. This is portrayed particularly well.
It seems to be a strong opening and has an attuned style. I look forward to reading further.
2Jon KeelingOne of the greatest things about pieces written, not only in first person, but in present tenses, is the strong feeling of immediacy. The imagery in this prologue is well-crafted, vivid and paints a very bleak and dark tapestry for the following tale to be set upon. Especially, the notion of waking up and not knowing exactly what or where you are because even when in familiar surroundings you can awaken with a feeling of being lost. This is portrayed particularly well.
It seems to be a strong opening and has an attuned style. I look forward to reading further.
2/11/2016 c2 5ignicaeli
Finally we get some plot development...
And it links feasibly well with the prologue!
You started painting quite a dystopian setting with this chapter, with both direct descriptions of the place and some hints about the law & order with the radio and black market references.
Well done.
I'm even willing to overlook the use of a fully capitalized word...
just a side note tough:
The use of leather restraints can bring discomfort, tissue injury and therefore pain stimuli, resulting in an anomaly that Doctor Jamieson so much abhors. The use of paddings between the skin and leather straps reduces the chance of such injuries...
Seriously though, great chapter.
5ignicaeliFinally we get some plot development...
And it links feasibly well with the prologue!
You started painting quite a dystopian setting with this chapter, with both direct descriptions of the place and some hints about the law & order with the radio and black market references.
Well done.
I'm even willing to overlook the use of a fully capitalized word...
just a side note tough:
The use of leather restraints can bring discomfort, tissue injury and therefore pain stimuli, resulting in an anomaly that Doctor Jamieson so much abhors. The use of paddings between the skin and leather straps reduces the chance of such injuries...
Seriously though, great chapter.
1/28/2016 c1 ignicaeli
I'm at loss if I should applaud you or hit you in the face...
Seriously, the imagery, the description, the overall flow of the text. It was good, really good.
But the story did not progress that much, we were left basically as we started, the mood is set, but no information at hand.
And that is why I think I should applaud you. If this was intentional, you managed to set the reader to the same feeling and mood the character is in... Well done.
I'll certainly read the other chapters.
I'm at loss if I should applaud you or hit you in the face...
Seriously, the imagery, the description, the overall flow of the text. It was good, really good.
But the story did not progress that much, we were left basically as we started, the mood is set, but no information at hand.
And that is why I think I should applaud you. If this was intentional, you managed to set the reader to the same feeling and mood the character is in... Well done.
I'll certainly read the other chapters.
11/17/2015 c10 19Ckh
All right, last review. (yay I suppose?)
In this chapter, Jamieson's background is touched on and further clarified on, showing the motivations/motifs behind his actions. These kind of chapters help to giving some "essence" to the characters, enabling the readers to understand and acknowledge the character's action, which are essential/not essential to a story depending on the context.
In this particular context however, I feel that it fits pretty well and is great for readers who are all about the "character psychology" and "Nitpicking on character's actions 101".
The plot is more or less "shown" now, with all the details being pieced together like fragments of a puzzle. It appears that there is still much to unfold in the grand scheme of things, but for only "ten" chapters (8 actually), its satisfying enough.
Will look forward to future chapters and until then, happy journeys ahead. (what? Did you want me to say Merry Christmas?)
-Ckh
19CkhAll right, last review. (yay I suppose?)
In this chapter, Jamieson's background is touched on and further clarified on, showing the motivations/motifs behind his actions. These kind of chapters help to giving some "essence" to the characters, enabling the readers to understand and acknowledge the character's action, which are essential/not essential to a story depending on the context.
In this particular context however, I feel that it fits pretty well and is great for readers who are all about the "character psychology" and "Nitpicking on character's actions 101".
The plot is more or less "shown" now, with all the details being pieced together like fragments of a puzzle. It appears that there is still much to unfold in the grand scheme of things, but for only "ten" chapters (8 actually), its satisfying enough.
Will look forward to future chapters and until then, happy journeys ahead. (what? Did you want me to say Merry Christmas?)
-Ckh
11/17/2015 c9 Ckh
The summary for a "chapter" eh?
Seems strangely appropriate nonetheless.
Actually is quite good and linking in terms of continuity.
Good job on that.
The summary for a "chapter" eh?
Seems strangely appropriate nonetheless.
Actually is quite good and linking in terms of continuity.
Good job on that.
11/17/2015 c8 Ckh
Goats and amnesia, with a bit of post apocalyptic future sprinkled onto it. Who would had known?
It seems that the MC is trapped in some virtual reality thing, either that or Jamieson is just tracking her location (because science OP).
The chapter does not reveal anything essential plot-wise but still manages to draw the reader in because of writing and stuff. Good job on that :p. It may create some suspense/anticipation towards future chapters as readers may be eager to know more about the plot and all.
Great job as always~
Goats and amnesia, with a bit of post apocalyptic future sprinkled onto it. Who would had known?
It seems that the MC is trapped in some virtual reality thing, either that or Jamieson is just tracking her location (because science OP).
The chapter does not reveal anything essential plot-wise but still manages to draw the reader in because of writing and stuff. Good job on that :p. It may create some suspense/anticipation towards future chapters as readers may be eager to know more about the plot and all.
Great job as always~
11/17/2015 c7 Ckh
Establishing that the "I" person is a girl, and a relatively young one at that eh? (at least from the previous chapters). Interesting.
Jamieson is shown to have a personality and maybe remorse in this chapter, giving some valuable insight into his thinking, as he is not as cold/calculating as the reader is led to "believe" in a sense.
Jamieson's "lab" also seems to contain something important or sacred, and could potentially lead into a progressing storyline (assuming that its the girl, may be something else though).
Overall, solid chapter as always.
Moving on~
Establishing that the "I" person is a girl, and a relatively young one at that eh? (at least from the previous chapters). Interesting.
Jamieson is shown to have a personality and maybe remorse in this chapter, giving some valuable insight into his thinking, as he is not as cold/calculating as the reader is led to "believe" in a sense.
Jamieson's "lab" also seems to contain something important or sacred, and could potentially lead into a progressing storyline (assuming that its the girl, may be something else though).
Overall, solid chapter as always.
Moving on~
11/16/2015 c6 Ckh
Well this isn't a chapter, more like a mini-prologue of sorts.
So urm, urm
urm
URM
Appreciate for taking the time to do this?
Seems Actionscipt-like and quite "real" in a sense...
...
...
...
Being classified as chapter also is great for this format?
...
...
eh, moving on~
Well this isn't a chapter, more like a mini-prologue of sorts.
So urm, urm
urm
URM
Appreciate for taking the time to do this?
Seems Actionscipt-like and quite "real" in a sense...
...
...
...
Being classified as chapter also is great for this format?
...
...
eh, moving on~
11/16/2015 c5 Ckh
Heyo, back for another round of (hopefully) 2-3 chapters reviewing.
More environmental/world building is done yet again in this chapter, enabling the readers to get a closer glimpse of the story in its entirety.
The transition in this chapter is otherwise smooth, I appreciate the (tiny) details being highlighted in this chapter. This can serve a base so as to speak to "carry forward" the story a tad, creating a more solid and continuous experience for the reader to digest.
Overall, great chapter as always.
Moving on to the other chapters then~
Heyo, back for another round of (hopefully) 2-3 chapters reviewing.
More environmental/world building is done yet again in this chapter, enabling the readers to get a closer glimpse of the story in its entirety.
The transition in this chapter is otherwise smooth, I appreciate the (tiny) details being highlighted in this chapter. This can serve a base so as to speak to "carry forward" the story a tad, creating a more solid and continuous experience for the reader to digest.
Overall, great chapter as always.
Moving on to the other chapters then~
11/12/2015 c1 1guardiangrey
Hey TSB,
This is an interesting opening. Definitely makes me want to know what's going on and how the things the protagonist experiences suddenly become undone. And then, of course, the blood. Your imagery and description is wonderful (a searing lance of pale fire burning across the sky - that's great!). The juxtaposition of the MC dancing to the music and then falling and being cut by the icy grass is really captivating.
I did wonder at the calm composure of the MC realizing he (or she?) does not know who he is. I would be more alarmed. But that also might be what your going for. Serenity and dancing and then - blood!
There are a lot of sentences starting with 'I', which is of course the thing with first person. Action tends to require it. But I would try to rephrase anything that you can. Such as the sentence, 'I am exposed to the deathly chill." This might come through stronger with something like "A deathly chill sweeps up over the hills and cuts through me like needles riding on the wind..." Descriptions like these will come across stronger if the focus is on the chill (or whatever description) rather than the 'I' being exposed to it. Exposed is milder sounding. Hope that makes sense. You are awesome at description, so I would just recommend describing things outright rather than saying :"I saw... or I felt... or I am exposed to."
Great start and I'll be reading more!
Best,
GuardianGrey
1guardiangreyHey TSB,
This is an interesting opening. Definitely makes me want to know what's going on and how the things the protagonist experiences suddenly become undone. And then, of course, the blood. Your imagery and description is wonderful (a searing lance of pale fire burning across the sky - that's great!). The juxtaposition of the MC dancing to the music and then falling and being cut by the icy grass is really captivating.
I did wonder at the calm composure of the MC realizing he (or she?) does not know who he is. I would be more alarmed. But that also might be what your going for. Serenity and dancing and then - blood!
There are a lot of sentences starting with 'I', which is of course the thing with first person. Action tends to require it. But I would try to rephrase anything that you can. Such as the sentence, 'I am exposed to the deathly chill." This might come through stronger with something like "A deathly chill sweeps up over the hills and cuts through me like needles riding on the wind..." Descriptions like these will come across stronger if the focus is on the chill (or whatever description) rather than the 'I' being exposed to it. Exposed is milder sounding. Hope that makes sense. You are awesome at description, so I would just recommend describing things outright rather than saying :"I saw... or I felt... or I am exposed to."
Great start and I'll be reading more!
Best,
GuardianGrey
11/5/2015 c4 19Ckh
I had thought that the first person perspective was only going to be used for the first chapter.
I was apparently wrong.
That's an understatement right there
The descriptions are vivid and vast in general, providing the readers with a sense of suspense/anticipation and sets up the environment very well.
The setting that the MC is in is rather peculiar and I expect to find more of such chapters.
Reminds me of a steam game I played a few months ago, minus the quirky narrative and the space exploration. (For additional info I rated the game 8.5/10)
Overall, the chapters seems quite solid and I will definitely be reading on
-Ckh
19CkhI had thought that the first person perspective was only going to be used for the first chapter.
I was apparently wrong.
That's an understatement right there
The descriptions are vivid and vast in general, providing the readers with a sense of suspense/anticipation and sets up the environment very well.
The setting that the MC is in is rather peculiar and I expect to find more of such chapters.
Reminds me of a steam game I played a few months ago, minus the quirky narrative and the space exploration. (For additional info I rated the game 8.5/10)
Overall, the chapters seems quite solid and I will definitely be reading on
-Ckh
11/4/2015 c3 Ckh
World building eh?
The setting of the world you are building is indeed quite fascinating to say the least, I assume that some inspiration was taken from classic sci-fi novels though I may be wrong and its quite 'whatever comes in my mind' kind of writing.
Its seems that Jamieson is a genius or expert of sorts and will be playing quite the role in the story, if its ever touched upon. (though describing the lore is also great)
Gonna end the review here cause of urm...stuff I guess?
Prb gonna browse through a few more chapters and then leave reviews some time later.
Well, you know what they say.
"Procrastination" man, it sometimes sucks.
-Ckh
World building eh?
The setting of the world you are building is indeed quite fascinating to say the least, I assume that some inspiration was taken from classic sci-fi novels though I may be wrong and its quite 'whatever comes in my mind' kind of writing.
Its seems that Jamieson is a genius or expert of sorts and will be playing quite the role in the story, if its ever touched upon. (though describing the lore is also great)
Gonna end the review here cause of urm...stuff I guess?
Prb gonna browse through a few more chapters and then leave reviews some time later.
Well, you know what they say.
"Procrastination" man, it sometimes sucks.
-Ckh
10/31/2015 c2 Ckh
Switching from first person to third person is no easy task and I applaud you for making it transition as "naturally" as possible.
I feel that your writing style in thus chapter suits your character particularly well, bringing out the psychology/traits of the doctor.
The plot is similar to those of sci-fi narratives, which I am quite fond of (yet to find a book in the bookstore that has that. Oh well, time to read finish percy jackson then).
Overall, I am very interested to see how the plot unravels and how the MC will come into play
-Ckh
Switching from first person to third person is no easy task and I applaud you for making it transition as "naturally" as possible.
I feel that your writing style in thus chapter suits your character particularly well, bringing out the psychology/traits of the doctor.
The plot is similar to those of sci-fi narratives, which I am quite fond of (yet to find a book in the bookstore that has that. Oh well, time to read finish percy jackson then).
Overall, I am very interested to see how the plot unravels and how the MC will come into play
-Ckh