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for Stealing Her Heart

7/10/2015 c1 123A Fire Rose
Hi! No need to put a comma between "You can call me" and "Megan." Interesting vignette here. Honestly, got lost in the turn at the end.
5/9/2015 c1 1Red-Damascus-Steel
Ha! You're a good writer! That's exactly what I do to my boyfriend when he's done something bad to me in a dream lolol
4/5/2015 c1 14Virtuella
So what happened really and what's the dream? Nicely done. If someone tells you they studied criminology, it's a good idea to be on your guard!
2/28/2015 c1 31TanteLiz
I am bothered early on by the interaction between the two characters.
First of all, a woman would be creeped out, not blushing at the 'compliment', if a complete stranger asked to sit beside her and calling her a 'pretty girl'. That isn't confidence.
Her reaction after the dream bothers me even more. She punches her seatmate in the gut because she dreamed about him? Why? And when he reacts in confusion, she responds like a little kid. I am not sure what you're doing here.
This is such a short piece, you have plenty of room to explore her own reactions to such a vivid dream, or even her unease at having been way to forthcoming to a total stranger about her finances, why did you stop at that point?
2/28/2015 c1 66AlysonSerenaStone
This was good, but I feel like with a few more words, it could have been great! IT just was not developed enough for my liking. I did like the characters and the concept though. The ending was funny, you have a way with humour!
2/26/2015 c1 10JustJazzyD
Hahaha. Imagine that coming out of my mouth because that was my Honest reaction at the end. But not laughter in a bad 's so many ways this story could've gone. I felt a sense of foreboding creep in when Meg told a stranger she was loaded then Les started talking about his major and terrorism. Red flags! There are some typos throughout that will catch your eye if you go back and read it slowly. There's still the question if her money is still in her purse when she woke up...good luck!
2/26/2015 c1 25Master Chief
It was all a dream!

Most of the reviewers touched on the issues. I think this story would benefit more with a central concept or throughway. As it is, there's the dream, she hits him for what he did during the dream, but I feel like it could be so much more. I feel like there is more story here. Would love to see a second pass at this.

Good luck in the contest!
M.C.
2/25/2015 c1 1MileyRowling
Nice work!
2/24/2015 c1 39Emerald Viper
Like AppleCinnamon, I think this piece wants more description. There are lots of ways to create atmosphere beyond descriptions of how things look. There are also some grammar and punctuation issues but I think SolemnCoyote got those. The concept is fun, but it feels like a rough draft rather than a finished story (and it is awfully short, even considering the constraints of the contest).
2/24/2015 c1 26augie.toaste
I really liked the concept. The characters are likable. I would have liked to see it end with Les escaping, and perhaps more details sprinkled through about how Megan (or her family) were terrorists. A politically motivated Cassanova Robin Hood is a bizarre and great concept for a romance!

My only suggestion would be to flesh it out with more words. :)

Augs
2/23/2015 c1 82Solemn Coyote
A nice quick read, and the twist made me smile. The borders of the dream sequence are pretty undefined, and I guess they need to be to make the punchline work, but this jolted me out of the story a little.

Also, brace yourself. Nitpicks are incoming.

"you can call me, megan," No comma after me. Period after Megan.

"no where in particular" Nowhere.

"how they thouht, how they planned, overseas" Thought. No second comma.
2/22/2015 c1 15SuitedManatee
Well, short, sweet, to the point. Slightly bizarre left turn around the middle. Kind of a fun twist at the end. All in all, not bad. There's not much else to say so goodbye and good luck.
2/15/2015 c1 1GrimNightingale
Hey, I like the idea of this. It seems to have a romantic/comedy theme with a bit of thrill. Some things I would change are to add more detail, especially to the conversation. As a reader, I couldn't feel any connection with the characters. Maybe you could add more to their conversation and personal traits (i.e. Les being more charming)- more human, I suppose.
Regarding their conversation, the introductions were fine, but when Megan suddenly just offered up information about her inheritance, it became unbelievable. Perhaps you could have her mention it later on in the conversation after she begins to trust this charming man.
Just my thoughts. Hope they help!
2/14/2015 c1 deadaccount2019
Greetings from The Roadhouse!

This piece feels very incomplete. One of the biggest factors is the lack of atmosphere. The reader is told it's a train car, but there is no attention paid to the story's environment. No sensory stimulation, such as lighting or smell or sound, or even physical feeling such as a metabollic reaction to fear or panic in the second scene. It makes for a very skeletal story that I had trouble really getting into until much later in.

On Megan, I have to admit her characterization made me want to slap her. Nobody tells complete strangers they've just come into a bunch of money, and especially not in today's world where women are taught all men are evil, horrible monsters waiting to victimize the first girl to give them the time of day. Her devulging such sensitive information to a stranger who forced himself into her space was extremely unrealistic.

The one good thing to come from her loose lips was the dream sequence. It starts off with this feeling of, "Called it!" but then Les says "Please." That made me take pause (in a good way), and then you did something that few writers ever do: you made a dream person make illogical logic. Robbing someone to stop terrorism makes no sense, and yet Megan seems to accept the logic without question, which is actually a very common thing that happens in dreams. By that point I figured out what was going on, but I was actually grinning because I just really appreciated the realistic/natural portrayal of a dream. And Megan's reaction upon waking is most definitely natural. I've woken from dreams before and looked at my husband and demanded to know where was the ice cream Dream-Him promised (along with more violent/defensive reactions after nightmares). Sometimes reason takes its time working its way back into us after a dream, so it was perfectly understandable that she would hit the guy (even if he didn't deserve it). Overall I just really enjoyed/appreciated the dream aspect of this story.

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