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for The Coma Kids

9/27/2015 c1 16Aretice N. Treader
I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this chapter. Your synopsis is pretty interesting. I also like how Luke and his friends break stereotypes to just be themselves.

Grammar is a bit of a problem. Your verb tenses continue to change, and I found quite a few run-on sentences and comma splices (sentences that are only combined with a comma instead of a comma plus a coordinating conjunction).

Also, most of the chapter is telling instead of showing. I know. This rule is a bit of a pain, but it's one of those things that really draws that fine line between a good author and a great author. For example, instead of telling the reader that Luke is called a wanna-be emo, show the reader a scene in which people at school are calling him that. Showing, not telling, allows the reader to relate to the characters on a whole different level. Also, it makes your writing more vivid and interesting.

I can tell your story has so much potential, so continue to write and improve, which is all any writer should be doing. I hope my review helps you, and good luck with this story!
8/5/2015 c16 9Waxing Shadow
Yes, I do like this story. It's in my Favorites for a reason! Keep on writing!
7/25/2015 c2 hankinsteinamy
Good story. I could definitely see this in a YA section in a school or public library. Just one thing though: you keep switching tenses. What I mean is, the dialog goes from past to present back to past tense and so on.

For instance: I look at the time when I'm finally sitting down. It was 3:00.
It should be (if you are sticking to present tense): I look at the time when I'm finally sitting down. It's 3:00.

If that makes sense. No, not an English professor, but that can be a major put-off to a reader.
6/26/2015 c3 2cavyamador
The narrative is very relatable and engaging. I like to pacing too, and I enjoy how everything is very number specific.
6/23/2015 c15 mandymoocha
I'm enjoying your story but the bit about Star talking to Aviana is a little stretched .. she'd only be 18 months old and not have that kind of language skills :) but for the sake of the story ... I'll go with the flow
5/22/2015 c16 Faith83
good story!
5/22/2015 c2 Faith83
i like your story
5/22/2015 c1 Faith83
good start!
4/4/2015 c1 2xtypicalx
I think this story is awesome :) its got me hooked!

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