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4/7/2017 c1 14Encore19
This chapter was well-written all the way through, which would make me think it was a oneshot you entered into a competition. But since you've called it Chapter 1 I see you intended to update it at least at the time you wrote it. An interesting slave-master fetish piece, I'm guessing. It was definitely descriptive all the way through, the character's thirst, the barracks and clinking, sparking iron, the hot sun, how he was chained up to that post. I also had a good view for your character. "Death before dishonor" as comforting words from his mother. The feel I got from this was that the main character was a Japanese war prisoner maybe in World War 2, although this is probably earlier than that cause the soldier's were sword-fighting and your characters metaphor about newly bought boots separating from their soles in a village square. Those things give a more medieval feel. But Japanese people were all about honor and committing suicide when disgraced so... The repetition of 'the conquered' seems to punctuate parts of the story well and keep it consistent with the theme of the chapter, good work.
4/23/2016 c1 1angeliflora
Interesting start for a story - 'the conquered' tried to kill himself to avoid being conquered, but somehow survived his poisening. I like how you continue with describing the merciless sun, burning the skin of the conquered even through his cloth, eyelids not being sufficient shielding the eyes, water deficiency making it impossible to speak or even think. It makes me feel all that, despite it is currently raining outside.
The ending of this first chapter leaves a lot of options open. Like, is the Hawk really nice to the conquered or does is simply want his possesion to be properly alive so that later he can do whatever he plans? Maybe it's just a wrong perception of gentleness due to dehydration. (*I don't hope so. Dominance is one thing, abuse another.*)
I'm looking forward to read how the relation between the Hawk and his possesion evolves, what you have planned for them.
12/12/2015 c1 9Sjoorm
Very very well written. Before I begin, are you normally drunk when you do your writing? If so, I highly recommend staying sober for these stories :p

The description in this story was exquisite, and absolutely necessary. You don't need character building in this particular chapter because it's all about the setting, it's not so much about why he's there but the fact that he IS there. No one cares about him, and you can tell that it's both demoralizing and soul crushing for this man, to accept the fact that he is worthless.

It's really powerful stuff. Now, the only thing I disliked about this story, is the uncharacteristic kindness of his "master". This is a society that doesn't think twice about taking slaves, that values strength and (presumably) honour above all else. And not to menu n the fact that his master is a hardened soldier who has earned the nickname "The Hawk" (I can only assume because of his cunning or ferocity), it just doesn't seem typical for a man of this nature to cradle a captive he has most recently taken down a peg to make him almost inhuman.

That being said, I really think you should continue this story, I was gripped by it the whole time and really enjoyed the read.
9/16/2015 c1 31YasuRan
Excellent start. Good establishment of setting and narrator, achieved through the blur of memories and outward action. The protagonist firmly establishes himself as a victim of circumstance, resigned to his fate and that of his soon-to-be Master's whim. The 'out-of-body' effect of going back to more pleasant times in his head made for a painful (in a good sense) contrast to his present suffering. I've read of trauma victims adopting this technique, so points for realism.

Interesting how the Master is referred to as 'Malik' in-text. Arabic for 'King'. Is he of new wealth, which could explain his lack of harshness in dealing with a slave or is he a product of his upbringing? Your descriptions of him certainly raise these questions and it's a good lead-on into the next few chapters hopefully. Well done so far!
9/14/2015 c1 1wisedec4u
RG-EF
WOW! This was a gripping introduction from beginning to end. I loved the level of detail you used. You addressed all the senses which a lot of writers ignore. I also liked the sense of despair you conveyed to the reader without the young man having to utter one word. I loved the ending. Mainly because it makes me think that death will be the young man's only escape. Then you offer a twist with a very slight show of kindness from his new master, leaving us to wonder if the conqueror is as cruel as we are being led to believe. It makes you want to keep reading on to find out more about Hawk and what type of relationship will develop between him and his new "possession".
8/5/2015 c1 10BeeSkeez
This was definitely not what I was expecting, it's so so different to your other piece that I've read! It's absolutely fantastic. I think I like this fantasy/historical style on you much much more, you definitely have a flair for it! That could just be because this genre in general is more something I enjoy reading, but still, I loved reading this.

The opening was fascinating, right from the first lines I was totally hooked. I have to say, I'm still not completely clear on what was happening there, but I have a feeling that will become clear so that's fine, I appreciate things being left to the imagination for a while. It was a perfectly mysterious and exciting introduction.

The tone of this character is perfect, by the end of this chapter, I had such a clear visualisation of this whole setting. You've written him so clearly, I almost felt like I could feel what he was feeling. It made me want a drink haha.

The brief interludes, breaking the scene up with the references to being conquered, was a perfect touch in my opinion. It provided a perfect quick snap out of the long descriptive passages, so you didn't get bored or overwhelmed, while being so brief that you never lost your place or anything. Just generally, the formal and highly descriptive style was so lovely to read, and I'm really really impressed.

I do hop you continue, I would love to read more!
Bee.
6/9/2015 c1 4pumadelic
Rg Depth review

Opening -The section in italics is dramatic and raises a question: is this the voice of a ghost? The sentence reversals create a sense of ritual and I like the way you segue from the burning flames to the stabbing sunlight. As writing I find the paragraph below the epigraph more effective.

Writing/Technique

You have good sentence rhythm and vivid sensory language that is never overdone considering the subject. The parallelism of 'iron' and the link to the 'iron' will of the mother is effective. It is an intractable universe where the sun punishes as much as nurturing. The chained up man longs for water but your little interjected mantras emphasise that he has little hope of humane treatment. I loved the little fish becoming stale in his memory after eight hours of captivity. Images I particularly liked - 'disks of fire being slowly tattooed into his eyes' 'every swallow sent a stream of hard edged nails into his throat to scrape it raw. The personification of the sun as a sadistic dominant lover succeeds too.

Plot/Setting

Not entirely sure of setting/backstory here - eg why didn't the condemned man die? I expect that is to come. You're setting it up for some sub dom slash so it seems, not really my bag but I would be interested to have more of the 'world' in later chapters. The sensory language does give a picture of an older mediterranean militarist culture..that is what I have in my head for this.

Relationships/characterisation

The point of torture fic or some porn genres is to do away with much concerning individual character. The focus is on the power relationships, physical suffering and its release, pleasurable or otherwise and the reduction of a person to a malleable object and you've done that well here, with visceral impact.
The Hawk does briefly emerge as an individual...embarassed and flustered. Apparently he does not know yet what is expected of masters

What really interests me is the parental dynamic in this s/m set up...'cradled like a child' 'as if he were a babe trying to nuzzle at a breast'. Considering the 'iron will' of the mother, it is as if our captive is psychologically primed to be dominated. The captive expects to be punished for seeking kindness but isn't.

You are allowing room for development. Is this going to pan out with a purely punitive master slave relationship? Is that what the captive actually wants? Who is this Hawk person?

Enjoyment

I really enjoyed your writing style but am not a fan of whump, painsploitation or these kind of scenarios so am probably not your ideal reviewer for this piece.

Ending - Sets up a tension and raises questions. Who pulled him from the flames? Why?

So my minor issue would be a bit more setting or clues as to backstory but overall a vibrant piece of writing.
5/26/2015 c1 81Timbo Slice
Regarding the first passage of the story, while it does its job of setting up the scene to a brisk start I found it kind of unnecessary to begin in the first person only to change to third in the second paragraph, more so because the last sentence of the first passage mirrors the first sentence of the second, making it somewhat of an awkward transition.

Other than that I was impressed by your descriptive prose and usage of metaphors to describe the tortuous conditions the main character is in, lines such as the suns rays stabbing and the air stripping the moisture from him reads so vividly and is brutal enough in its description to give the reader a feel for the hostile environment.

The repetition of the conquered works to reiterate the hopeless situation of the main character but I think those passages should be formatted a little better (sentence structure and line spacing) to have more of an effect.
5/14/2015 c1 deadaccount2019
I'm not fond of the switching between 1st and 3rd perspective. The prose doesn't sound natural in 1st (overly detailed), and the lack of transition to 3rd made for a jarring flow. After that the unformatted segues to the "conquered have no" lines seem to carry on the bouncing perspective. Overall, the use of both perspectives wasn't well executed and felt unnecessary.

Content-wise, I think you've got a good balance here. The backstory is maybe a little heavy toward the start, but the memory of the gardens was a good choice in terms of contrast in the protagonist's experiences. The Master is introduced a bit abruptly, but given the protag's current state I think that works to the writing's advantage, making it a bit more immersive. It also blends the current and future conflicts (dehydration and etc. now, relationship later) from the start, which I think will help the transition in later chapters.
5/9/2015 c1 6DarkWolfWavius
I really like how descriptive you were with this story because it helped me imagine the world this story takes place in as well as the situation that was going on in this particular chapter :)

However, my biggest issue with this story was the center text that appeared every now and again. If they were meant to be new sentences, why weren't there any capitals at the beginning of said sentences? If it was meant to be a quote, then where are the quotation marks/italics?

Overall, I like this story and would like to see more )
5/2/2015 c1 6HarryPotterForever3
Interesting story. I liked how descriptive you were, even though at times you might have over described, making it confusing. Even though it is fictional I liked how it does have some truth to it " The conquered have no rights". People who are conquered, slaves or captives in war have few rights and it is sad, all the things people take for granted, freedom and life in general.

I sort of would like to get to know the character more. He seems like a fighter, but he is so used to the situation and doesn't remember life before he was conquered. You can see how he wants to do something, but can't because he has these rules ingrained in him of how he must listen and obey his master, and how honor is one of the most important things.

Over all it is a good story with an interesting plot. I would like to see in later chapters maybe how he got into this situation and how his spirit to be a conqueror, a master instead of a servant changes him. I find it sort of sad that he really thinks he is worth nothing more. Worth no rights.

Good Job and please update soon. :)
4/22/2015 c1 4lookingwest
Writing - Though flowery at times, I think, I do like how you characterize the motif of the sun as something that is unwelcome and torturous by the words you use to describe it. So for instance "assaulting" "abuse" "stabbed" - all your simile and metaphor linking words do well to match up with the MC's sorry state, and I think it really gets across how long he's been hanging there and how horrible it feels.

To explain my con crit better, I say flowery sometimes though, because, take the very first line: "The rays of the sun stabbed no less cruelly though his eyelids, no matter how tightly he tried to hold them down over his bloodshot eyes." I think a lot of the wordiness could be stripped of that and it would still have the same effect and heaviness. "Sunlight stabbed cruelly through his bloodshot eyes, even when shut as tightly as he could shut them." Or something to that effect. For instance "holding them down" just feels like a wordier way to me to just say "his eyes were shut tight" since that already implies he's "holding them down" - so I just thought I'd explain what I meant by flowery. Stuff like that can be subjective though and overall I won't lie, I was surprised / impressed by this writing compared to the other one I've read from you about molestation.

Character - I liked how you worked in character description in regards to the conquered narrator by slipping in his age, and what he might look like, not to mention his bodily pains, etc. It all made for a very vibrant understanding of him right now, especially given the ending with his new master, who I also though you characterized well by just straight up having the narrator wonder if Hawk is new to being a "master" of another human being / buying in a slave trade. Good dichotomy going.

Setting - Other than the post and the soldiers in the opening I didn't get a whole lot of setting from this chapter, but I don't think that's really the focus and I like the minimalist approach and focusing more on the two characters here and their interaction at the end. It very body-centered, this chapter, especially with the want of water and the torture and then the draining of strength at the end. The stark detail of how he's hung on the post "like a gutted fish" stuck out to me and I think that was one of my favorite moments of setting due to how it also brought up the imagery of flaying or again, torture. Grimacing here, of course, but I think that's what you were going for.

Enjoyment - So like I mentioned - I'm liking this so far! I kind of though, can see similarities between Fang and Michael (?) forgot his name - in your other story - what with one of them being very subordinate and the other sort of having this like...control over the other, and I hesitate there because I wouldn't want to see this going into the same rape fantasy territories (which is why I had to stop reading the other), BUT as long as we're not going there and it's more of a territory like the YA novel The Winner's Curse or something, or just any doomed love story with M/M stuff instead of het which is fine, then I'm all on board... I just fear sometimes that M/M can get fetishized instead of just a regular love story, you know? Especially with this dom/sub kind of emphasis that can happen. Looking here to a breakaway from that - the writing I enjoyed a lot better than the humor writing (that's of course subjective again), but I felt overall you did an excellent job pulling me into scene!
3/30/2015 c1 1PrideTheSparrow
Very interesting! Only problem I had was that the words inbetween paragraphs kind of threw me off a little.
I really enjoyed the desert (I am assuming that he was in a desert). It was wonderfully described. It really portrayed effectively what dehydration feels like. Your imagery skills are really good and that shows in your story. Other than that I don't really have much else to say. Your story is great and it intrigued me a good deal

ProjectPride
3/29/2015 c1 2rkalanau
Wow. This is pretty good. What is there to say…

First the sentences between paragraphs, while certainly shining a strong insight onto the story itself, feels a bit off. Not sure why. At times it feels like an interruption into the flow of the story. A random alien thought amidst… the scene itself. Glad other people enjoyed it though.

Yet the rope of sand that was his tongue – blew me away, your description is amazing! I can almost feel the actual dry pebbles scraping against the inside of the mouth, and it not feeling so good, so inspiring some of your descriptions are.

Already knowing what Malik means, its interesting that you should italicize it. It adds more interest into whom his master really is, or may not be. Good writing.
3/27/2015 c1 5XxLoveMakesTheWorldGoRoundxX
I liked the descriptions because even though this chapter is mainly imagery, the description sets tone to the characters and the story, so I don't feel like the story is on pause, rather than it's just on a bit slow mo.

I'm not sure how I like the quotes in the center, because they remind me a bit too much of a song fic, and I think you should've put them more as thoughts rather than like stanzas in a poem, but that's a pretty minor thing

This is the first chapter so I don't know how it will pan out, but the dialogue so far was really good and even before I read how the voice sounds, I imagined it in a gruff tone because that's how good your tone was.

I'd also recommend you give names soon, because since they're both boys it's harder to imagine who does what, especially if you're planning on the master-slave lines blurring
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