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for The Empire Buisness

3/7/2015 c3 2Jalux
I like the setting here, you did a good job of describing it to me and in particular the detail of how they could easily be ambushed here. I feel like Anton didn't offer much resistance to the Don and that didn't feel in-character to me but maybe he's intimidated by the Don's status. Still it was nice to see he's still cautious and doesn't trust in random thugs. Great setup chapter overall, it's preparing us for the job to come and I think it does a fine job of it.
3/7/2015 c2 4m. b. whitlock
RG EF #6,681

I find this line a little confusing because the title of the chapter is “Drive *Cindy* for me!”:
“Drive Wendy for me!”
Perhaps this dissonance with names is purposeful?

I like the way you are developing the setting in this chapter in sections like this:
“Behind them were other businesses topped by apartments which were either vacant or used by street walkers as places to ply their trade somewhere more private.”
You give your readers a simple, stark picture of a pretty run-down, unsafe place where maybe criminals can ‘blend in’ more easily.

Might want to cut out little unnecessary crutch phrases like “In short” here:
“In short, there were very few people around who could see anyone in the safe house and therefore identify them when their photos went public.”

When the crew comes together and you introduce Wendy I think it might be cool to extend the scene some and put in a few more descriptors for the different characters. Not recommending you go too far with it but you could start by extending this section some:
“Anton bristled at the term kids. He was willing to bet he had sat more time in prison than Rico and all his crew combined.”
You could weave in a bit more about Anton’s past at the same time. ;)

I don;t think you need this header/divider bit:
“MIKES POV”

We get that it’s Mike’s POV from this line where you tell us how he feels internally:
“Mike didn't like this.”

Likewise I don’t feel you need “Wendy’s POV” either. :)

Like how the story keeps moving! It’s a cool set up and I’m interested to see where you take this.

Very best,

m. b. whitlock
3/7/2015 c1 m. b. whitlock
RG EF #6,679

I like the bare, gritty, realistic style of much of this story so far. You keep things simple and the plot moves a long swiftly. This makes it easy to get readers into your story quickly.

I like some of the dialogue too, like this part:
“"I'm Korean-American, you racist prick," the kid growled.”

This seems quite realistic to me, this run down of the prisoners:
“"Anton Dubrovsky. Eighteen years old. American with Russian parents. Six years into a twenty year sentence for murder," Stretch said, flicking the ash from the end of his cigarette and taking another long drag.””

You have a few places where the punctuation is off, like here **:
“Fifteen minutes, they were traveling over the Moran Bridge which connected the civic centre of the city *I*n the borough of Dukes, to the island of Birmingham.”
Might want to fix those. :)

Hmm.. I think you could expand this part where they are running and the bridge is about to collapse:
“They made it to end of the bridge before the bomb went off.”
I’d like a little more tension and drama there. :)

Overall this is an intersting start.

Very best,

m. b. whitlock
3/3/2015 c2 2Jalux
Unexplained tensions between characters are always interesting to think about and I feel like Wendy and Mike have clashed in the past, probably related to Mike's siblings. I think this is good as it generates interest for the story. You need things like these to keep readers hooked in. I felt like having Anton stick to old habits is a good way of showing us how Juvie changed him. It's realistic kind of like how some prisoners can't break their habits even after they are let out.

Not one hundred percent sold on the rapidly changing POV's though, I feel like the style you stuck to last chapter was better. Yes we get to see hear Wendy and Mike's thoughts on the current situation but it kind of feels like we're bouncing round the place too. It's also weird because we didn't get this before.

Overall solid chapter.
2/26/2015 c1 Hedonistic Opportunist
Not a bad a start all: I think it's fast-paced, and your writing is very clean, with only a few mistakes here and there (hollard instead of hollered, but Vent already pointed it out for you). I like how the writing is descriptive but also non-sense, giving this a very realistic vibe. I liked, even if the nicknames got a bit insulting for me at times, how rather callous and cold the writing seems? It fits the genre, I think: it's a bit gritty and mean, like the story you're conveying here. All in all, I like the writing.

The plot is promising too though, though it's more something I prefer watching a movie about than reading on a screen (am a more visual person :3 when it comes to action). But I like that you're making this exciting, and not stretching the plot to boring lengths or making it too monologu-ey.

Admittedly, I'm not sure where this story is set? It sounds American, especially with the dialogue, but then you go and mention Birmingham and several areas that ...seem remotely to be set in the UK (...I googled? XD Yeah, I know it's not the UK, but seriously where is this set? O_o). Maybe you should clarify this, because as a non-American and current (proud!) Welsh resident, I'm just very confused XDDD. You don't need to spoonfeed me, but make it a teensy bit clearer?
2/26/2015 c1 20Ventracere
[The last two prisoners were teenagers been transferred from the state juvenile facility on the outskirts of the city to the state prison upstate.] this sounds a little funny. Perhaps put "who had" between "teenagers" and "been".

"one of them hollard" - I think you mean "hollered".

I think you've got a good start. I liked how fast paced this was, since it made it quick and easy to get through and into the story. I also liked how clinical it as, which allowed you to get right to the action of the piece and we didn't need a long, lengthy background about who Mike and Anton are.
That said, there were mistakes that did pull away from the story a little bit, but not too much. I think something you could do is put a little more "filler" description into the story. This would give us a little more insight into their surroundings. What you have right now is great, but it leaves us wondering a little bit more about their situation.
2/26/2015 c1 2Jalux
Very exciting with everything that is going on, I have a feeling this will be a very fast paced and balls to the wall story. I did like some of the language used here as it shows they are juveniles as well as the descriptions we get. I don't have a read on Anton and Mike at the moment but they seem distinguishable enough which is good. Grammar and punctuation looks overall pretty solid to me.

Not bad, I can see the GTA inspirations with the bombs and bus.

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