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10/13/2015 c2 12MTveit
I really like the concept of this story; a fourteen year old against a whole world of fucked up. I can't imagine how I'd manage if I were there, hearing the President's speech. (Oh, and it's no big deal, but your story would be even better if you'd check tiny mistakes like 'Presidents speech' which should be 'President's speech'.

This could turn out very interesting, and I'm excited to see where your story goes next. I really like the way you've managed to differentiate between the way your characters speak, it adds authenticity to your story. Can't wait to read on!
3/22/2015 c2 6French The Llama
You seem to have said bookism. Make the dialogue speak your itself, instead of adding too many annoying tags!
However, I liked President Harris, because he was relatable and not ridiculously formal.
3/19/2015 c2 2Jalux
Would a president talk to his people like that? I mean yes time to time people do make mistakes but they are usually more subtle and controlled, honestly for the sake of realism I'd almost think this could be improved by rewriting the sentence. Even under stress that is a little unprofessional, presidents usually have a tonne of experience I'd say.

That being said the history of this flu is certainly interesting and you do feel for the President a little as this is out of his hands. I do think it's realistic of them to start implementing emergency procedures and forcing people to stay inside for this flu as it seems like the right thing to do.

Interesting stuff, update soon.
3/15/2015 c1 6French The Llama
I like the start of this, it's very original, and sets the scene of the story, arousing curiosity, but is very easy to digest at the start. Er, one grammar mistake, you want to say "coverED in blood," past tense. The detail in the rest of the story is very well done, you describe these intricate details, like the spongebob theme playing and his curiosity at the blue scene. The "this is an emergency" broadcast is slightly cliché, but you did it well. Great story.
3/14/2015 c1 1Cheddar-Graham
RG EF review

I like how you started with that emergency call - it tickled my curiosity and I was trying to link it to the rest of the story. My theory is that the call was the one made when dad got killed, correct me if I'm wrong. I also liked that image where Thomas was naked when the announcement came on. I dunno, it just made me LOL. And then later Grandpa's reaction to that sight made me giggle again.

On the CC side, I think you could leave out the cast list of the family and just introduce them as you go along with the description of the start of the day. That way, we still get their names and their relationships to the MC but we don't get turned off by an info dump. But on the other hand, the info about the flu virus was inserted nicely.

Typo: no idea (extra D at the end)
3/13/2015 c1 2Jalux
More then six foot when he's only fourteen? Man that is one tall teenager, I mean I've seen people close to that height at that age but the height itself comes with problems. I'm not certain he could be stocky and that tall at that age honestly, I'm no doctor but I do think it's bordering on impossible but then again I may be wrong. I do like how his resemblance to his father impairs on his relationship with his mother, it happens in real life and feels like a valid reason for their iffy relationship. I like the plot and characters you have here and I think this is a good introduction because of that but I will reserve judgement until later chapters.
3/13/2015 c1 4m. b. whitlock
RG EF #6,723

First off, this looks like a very serious undertaking. A fourteen-year-old boy fighting off the evils of a post-apocalyptic world is a potentially thrilling, disturbing and compelling concept. I am looking forward to seeing how you approach it. Very cool start so far.

I like the opening paragraph but I do feel you could finesse this sentence some, esp because it’s the first we read:
“Nothing in the way the day started promised anything bad.”
A promise is usually a positive thing, perhaps use a more ominous/neutral word like warning or sign, like, ‘When the day started there were no signs anything bad was coming.’ Or a similar kind of thing. :)

I like the soundscape of normalcy you create for Thomas as he wakens up to what he thinks will be just another typical Saturday.

Might want to start a new paragraph with this line:
“His mom or sister never made it, not since the accident that had killed her husband.”
Also, I’m not sure whose husband died. Was he married to Thomas’ mother or sister?

Good foreshadowing here:
“They were in a rush today because of the strange flu like virus that was sweeping the country.”

“Thomas rolled out of bed and pulled on a pair of underpants, stretched and rolling his massive muscles, then padded to the bathroom to shave.”
He has massive muscles at fourteen? This is just a suggestion but maybe have him develop those muscles over time, due to the immense challenges he faces defending his grandfather and little brother. That way your readers will see your young hero grow andante stronger in the face of conflict over time and they will care more about him and he will seem more realistic, you know?

Again, fourteen seems too young to look like this:
“Thomas was tall, even at fourteen. Six foot two, strong arms, with wide, mucled shoulders and chest that tapered in a V to his toned abdomen and waist and toned legs.”
Why don’t you make him older?

Il like how fast things escalate and your plot gets going:
“The Office of the President has issued the following message. This is a civil emergency. Regular broadcasting has ceased. Do not venture outdoors. Do not allow entry to your home of any person, particularly anyone who appears ill.”

Wow, Grandpa’s a b*d*ss:
“He was a combat veteran, tried and tested, and every instinct told him something was terribly wrong, that he should be preparing for a storm.”
These guys seem like they are all ready for the apocalypse, luckily for little Rickey. :)

Cool stuff!


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