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for Nazifar

4/4/2015 c1 1Mrs.McLaren
Hiya! I love the visual imagery you've included, and the metaphors (or were they similes- I still get confused :/) that you've attached to the description...
But I haven't got a clue whether this is going to be an actual story or whether it's just a really short prequel sort of thing. I guess we'll find out when you update it ;)
In the first proper paragraph (after that huge mind-boggling question you asked us) you missed out a few words or used a word in the wrong context- nothing major :)
The next paragraph was... Amazing. I was so caught up in what you were describing I didn't see many problems. Only ones I can remember were simple grammatical mistakes. For example (I copy-and-pasted) 'This thing. This monster, is called The Parallax.'. Only problem with this is that there shouldn't be a full stop after the first 'this thing', why not use a comma or dash or even ellipsis :) it would make much more sense if you did. Also, the sentence after that was a bit confusing... Maybe you could put a few commas here and there to make me pause and process what you just said before continuing...?
Hope I helped in some way,
Lauren xox
3/16/2015 c1 3rae alexander
3/15/2015 c1 69xt7loena

You have a nice discription going on here, so congrats for that! I still have absolutly no idea where this story is going though - all you told me in these words is that there's a parallax in the desert somewhere killing animals, and from your summary I understand the same thing - that's not exactly a storyline yet. The first chapter is there to invite people in, and to give an idea of what the story is going to be like (and if not the first chapter, than at the very least in the summary). You didn't spell check it either (and well... as FP states, there's no excuse not to do this. Of course you can still miss mistakes after rereading it, but I'm recommanding rereading it again).


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