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12/16/2015 c2 1bluebear54
So I am really curious to find out what really happened to the ship sense the computer is saying that there wasn't a crash. My guess would be it as something to do with the person who was hiding on the planet.

The contrast between his AI and the one that he stole was pretty awesome. The fact that the one from the newer one seems to have some personality will be interesting to watch. It gives a little more wiggle room-instead of just a computer repeating things back to people, she can now develop into her own character.

Seems like he may fancy her a little bit as well which will make an interesting subplot if that continues.
12/16/2015 c1 bluebear54
I applaud people who can write Sci-Fi, it has such a HUGE opportunity to get creative. So far you're doing a great job of creating a universe.

I love that even with all these high tech gadgets the voice command is still touchy lol. Maybe that will never be fixed. This opener has a very nice set up and seems like it leaves lots of room to bring in other characters.
11/11/2015 c1 5Time And Space In The Balance
I like this already. I'm getting a Star-Lord vibe from Rigel, but perhaps more determined. It's nice. Good character for a sci-fi. And I have to say, this is very sci-fi. Really well thought out, from the slightly off artificial gravity to the slow AI. This is a more real, mature future, rather than the standard dystopia/utopia thing you tend to get with this kind of thing.

I would read this if it were a book and I'd just picked it up in the shop. It has enough well-paced setup to make me want to read on; the sort of thing that I might browse through in my spare time and end up finishing in three hours because I'd be so engrossed.

Just a couple of things really that I found here: some of the sentences seem a little off. For example, ' "On a night like this, if you're lucky, you can catch a glimpse of the Fifth Orion Fleet as it tears by on its perpetual hunt." Rigel Ward lay gazing up at the sky from the roof of his Sleipnir-class ship.' just seems a bit jarring. I don't know what it is exactly, but perhaps something like

' "On a night like this - if you're lucky - you can catch a glimpse of the Fifth Orion Fleet as it tears by on its perpetual hunt."

Rigel Ward gazed up at the sky from the roof of his Sleipnir-class ship.

"That's great, Rigel," ' etc. would fit better?

I'm not sure what it is, but the first one tripped me up when I was reading it. There were a few sentences like this throughout that didn't flow quite right. I usually try to go over all my writing and make sure each sentence by itself satisfies my extremely pedantic brain. This isn't a big issue, but from what I've found it can improve writing dramatically. With a piece as good as this, I can only imagine.

The only other issue I had was minor grammatical errors. They were admittedly infrequent, but I pick up on those things like a hawk with 20-20 vision. For instance, 'G's' should be 'Gs'. Sorry for being so pedantic!

On the whole, though, I really enjoyed this. I'll come back to this at some point and review the rest - and I can only hope it stays as good as this.
4/20/2015 c3 14Virtuella
I don’t really care very much for car chases/coach chases/space craft chases in general, but that’s just me. As far as these things go, this one was good. I loved how he ripped out the useless computer with a cry of “I don’t need safe of legal.” That was very funny.

Fascinating ending to the chapter! I was wondering how long it would take him to think of mustering the AI’s help, and what would happen then. But I had not expected this. I think things are going to get very, very interesting! Rigel is certainly caught between a rock and a hard place.

BTW, I would call him either Rigel or Ward, but not switch between these names all the time. Otherwise it feels as if the narrator doesn’t know on what terms he is with the men.

I see another reviewed has suggested giving minutely detailed descriptions. I don’t think that is necessary – you’re not writing a police report. I find the setting clear enough.
4/2/2015 c1 4SForces
-Too comma heavy, suggest re reading the chapter and pausing for a brief moment after each comma. Get’s tedious especially when there are 3 or more commas in a single sentence.
-A lot of uses of the word ‘and’ when other words could be used instead. Seems like the story is bumpy and could flow better.
More detail would engage the reader more:

Example: There was a passage where you described a sex shop, reading your story these are the details I gathered from it:
Shabby, grey, on the corner of the market deck, dingy, has a metal detector,

While that is decent detail, it brings the question, are you showing your story or are you simply telling the story?
There is a big difference and many authors struggle with telling the story instead of showing the story. You could have done 2 or three sentences describing the store. This way the reader could close their eyes and draw an image as to what the story looked like.
Rather with your description, while not bad, there could be quite a few different versions of what the store looked like, I wasn’t told any details such as:
Windows? Tall door? Short door? No door? How high was the roof? Was there a roof to begin with? How big was the store on the inside? What color was the counter? Was it made out of wood? Metal? Futuristic material?
Many wide gaps that could be slowed to show. When I write stories, I like to slow it down a bit and just describe the scenery around the characters so the reader can get an idea of what is around them in an attempt to immerse the reader in my story so they want to stay up and keep turning pages.
3/29/2015 c2 14Virtuella
This is a really good chapter. I found the encounter with the AI fascinating. So, he doesn’t tell his friend about it? Shifty fellow, isn’t he?

Again, the setting is very convincing. I loved the idea of the three moons and the planet that is dangerous because of its tides of all things.

I also like the touches of humour, like “The Navy never were any good at parking,” and “Could an AI really be so stupid?”

That Rigel would have preferred “the arm he was born with” to the objectively superior prosthetic limb is a nice touch that gives his character a hint of vulnerability and thus makes him more sympathetic.

Delphi makes the sign of the cross? Is this some obscure futuristic gesture, or have traces of Christianity survived?

I enjoyed reading this chapter, because it flows well, but what hooked me most was the mentioning of people who are being declared “not human enough.” I can guess what massive ethical conflicts are stored up here and I am looking forward to seeing you explore them.
3/29/2015 c1 Virtuella
I’ll start off on a tangent: One thing I enjoyed in Jane Austen’s Northanger Abbey is the scene in which John Thorpe boast about the amazing featured of his new carriage, the brass lights, the wheel rims etc. It make me smirk and think, blokes (some blokes, obviously) were no different in Regency times than they are now. And your story nicely extends this by showing us that some blokes will still be like that in the distant future, only now it will be spaceships that fill their minds.

I’m not much of an expert on science fiction, but here are some things that I really liked:

-The mentioning of standard hours and standard months, reminding us that our Earth time measurements are entirely contingent.
-The original technology – mass reduction field, inertia nullifier – that makes the space travel believable. These devices are like nothing that currently exists, but they sound like something that might be feasible.
-The fact that even in such an advanced technology, people still have problems with speech recognition software. It’s realistic and also slightly humorous.
-The artificial gravity field being a little wonky and giving Rigel some problems walking. Again, nicely realistic.
Altogether, the setting came across as a plausible world. The plot seems a little Han Solo, which can only be a good thing. ;-)
3/23/2015 c1 2Ghost Divsion
The first thing that really jumps out at me with this story is the setting. It has that steampunk/ scifi setting that reminds me of something like Cowboy Bebop or Halo. It makes the story very interesting and engaging. You also do a good job of fleshing out your main characters in the first chapter. It feels as if they all have extended backstories that can be expanded on in future chapters of the story. Overall, I feel that this is a very good story and I look forward to reading more of it.
3/22/2015 c1 6French The Llama
From the Roadhouse:

Interesting start, I'm definitely intrigued to find out what is going to happen. You avoided an info dump but cleverly explained some of what's going on. One thing I did find confusing was all the different characters introduced- I could only really keep up with Rigel- all the others got mixed up. I think you should introduce the other characters more slowly in first chapter.

I liked the part about the replacement body parts, there was emotion in Rigel that was easy to relate to, through your showing, not telling of "looked down and wiggled his fingers with a frown." That was a very strong line or two.

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