for Book One: Rise3/28/2015 c1 
14Shampoo Suicide
(I owe you a review for an RG debt!)
I like the imagery of the opening. I particularly enjoyed the illustrative quality of the phrase "stars paving the sky like diamonds". I think the descriptions here and throughout really managed to be really striking, sometimes beautiful, without tipping into purple prose territory which is great.
Pace is sort of slow, especially at the beginning. I wonder if this is magnified by the length of the chapter which did make it a little harder to get through. It's necesary sometimes but there may be parts here to cut if you plan on editing or rewriting ever. The writing in the beginning was gorgeous for example but not all entirely necesary for setting the scene. Reducing this kind of thing could help with the pace and length I think :)
I like the palpable sense of anxiety and desperation you've created in this character. It feels very honest and relatable in a way. A strength of this so far, along with the great way with description, is how realized she feels already.
Intriguing circumstances happening here. You've captured my interest in the stranger who rescued her and also in how she will fare throughout the story. It's a pretty great start, but I definitely think you can get more people interested in it through a tiny bit of editing!
14Shampoo Suicide(I owe you a review for an RG debt!)
I like the imagery of the opening. I particularly enjoyed the illustrative quality of the phrase "stars paving the sky like diamonds". I think the descriptions here and throughout really managed to be really striking, sometimes beautiful, without tipping into purple prose territory which is great.
Pace is sort of slow, especially at the beginning. I wonder if this is magnified by the length of the chapter which did make it a little harder to get through. It's necesary sometimes but there may be parts here to cut if you plan on editing or rewriting ever. The writing in the beginning was gorgeous for example but not all entirely necesary for setting the scene. Reducing this kind of thing could help with the pace and length I think :)
I like the palpable sense of anxiety and desperation you've created in this character. It feels very honest and relatable in a way. A strength of this so far, along with the great way with description, is how realized she feels already.
Intriguing circumstances happening here. You've captured my interest in the stranger who rescued her and also in how she will fare throughout the story. It's a pretty great start, but I definitely think you can get more people interested in it through a tiny bit of editing!
3/27/2015 c1 2Jalux
Beautiful opening, I really do like the descriptions here. They offer detail without being too wordy to read and I also like how you described her appearance by using the weather rather then telling us (I mean you tell us but in a different way then information-dumping). The emotion was definitely there when she tried to kill herself, the last moment of regret kind of shows she still has something to live for though. Then we get the double reversal with it being a dream and then not again, still it gives her a reason to keep living to find this stranger with the note. This person is kind of creepy with the messages (one at the end is weird honestly) but his intentions are good? Interesting story overall but try to shorten the chapters. 6k words is a slog.
2JaluxBeautiful opening, I really do like the descriptions here. They offer detail without being too wordy to read and I also like how you described her appearance by using the weather rather then telling us (I mean you tell us but in a different way then information-dumping). The emotion was definitely there when she tried to kill herself, the last moment of regret kind of shows she still has something to live for though. Then we get the double reversal with it being a dream and then not again, still it gives her a reason to keep living to find this stranger with the note. This person is kind of creepy with the messages (one at the end is weird honestly) but his intentions are good? Interesting story overall but try to shorten the chapters. 6k words is a slog.