for Sizzling4/2/2015 c1 
7WhisperingZephyr
Powerful bit of work.
The imagery is vivid and imaginative, and the dialogue is certainly entertaining for what little there is.
The only thing close to a flaw would be the length. In less than 600 words you've managed to pique my interest, but it ended too soon.
I certainly hope you continue. I'm eager to see more into this world you've made.
-WZ
7WhisperingZephyrPowerful bit of work.
The imagery is vivid and imaginative, and the dialogue is certainly entertaining for what little there is.
The only thing close to a flaw would be the length. In less than 600 words you've managed to pique my interest, but it ended too soon.
I certainly hope you continue. I'm eager to see more into this world you've made.
-WZ
3/30/2015 c1 97rust phoenix
Wow. This is so powerfully written. You create such a vivid sense of setting: "the mouldy sky," "houses... like square dragons... coil into the horizon." Each word overflows with meaning and sensory detail. The ending was shocking, and the build-up of tension worked to make it even stronger - you give just the right amount of information to bring the reader fully into the scene, while still leaving a sense of mystery and suspense.
Your characterizations were also very well done. I was shocked when the girl died, even though everything had been building up to that, because her dialogue and actions gave her such a strong personality and I grew attached to her even in this short time.
Definitely looking forward to reading more.
97rust phoenixWow. This is so powerfully written. You create such a vivid sense of setting: "the mouldy sky," "houses... like square dragons... coil into the horizon." Each word overflows with meaning and sensory detail. The ending was shocking, and the build-up of tension worked to make it even stronger - you give just the right amount of information to bring the reader fully into the scene, while still leaving a sense of mystery and suspense.
Your characterizations were also very well done. I was shocked when the girl died, even though everything had been building up to that, because her dialogue and actions gave her such a strong personality and I grew attached to her even in this short time.
Definitely looking forward to reading more.
3/30/2015 c1 14Shampoo Suicide
I love the dragon comparison in the second paragraph. It's fantastic metaphor and description which I've come to expect from you and also less mixed or muddled than some of the other very beautiful but sometimes confusing metaphors I've seen you employ in other work. The consistency throughout the paragraph in using the dragon imagery only made it stronger, so well done there!
Plot is intriguing. I'm interested in learning the circumstances that led to their being imprisoned, and the effect that her final act of rebellion. I like the narrator so far and will be interested in seeing their reaction after these event as well, on a personal level since they seemed to be involved. I wonder if it was a preexisting relationship or one born from the circumstances. Cool stuff!
I mentioned the description of the dragon scene as particularly strong, but it was wonderful throughout. I loved the feelings evoked from the description of oil and slime, the way you knew they'd been there quite awhile as a result of imagining them this way. I wondered too if the narrator had been there a shorter time.
This was the perfect length and pace for a prologue I think. Just a short scene, fast moving, to pique interest and keep the reader there by not revealing too much. It was very well done. You hate to see someone with a good idea feel the need to delve into history and backstory before they begin, so I'm so glad to see you avoided that. Excited for more!
14Shampoo SuicideI love the dragon comparison in the second paragraph. It's fantastic metaphor and description which I've come to expect from you and also less mixed or muddled than some of the other very beautiful but sometimes confusing metaphors I've seen you employ in other work. The consistency throughout the paragraph in using the dragon imagery only made it stronger, so well done there!
Plot is intriguing. I'm interested in learning the circumstances that led to their being imprisoned, and the effect that her final act of rebellion. I like the narrator so far and will be interested in seeing their reaction after these event as well, on a personal level since they seemed to be involved. I wonder if it was a preexisting relationship or one born from the circumstances. Cool stuff!
I mentioned the description of the dragon scene as particularly strong, but it was wonderful throughout. I loved the feelings evoked from the description of oil and slime, the way you knew they'd been there quite awhile as a result of imagining them this way. I wondered too if the narrator had been there a shorter time.
This was the perfect length and pace for a prologue I think. Just a short scene, fast moving, to pique interest and keep the reader there by not revealing too much. It was very well done. You hate to see someone with a good idea feel the need to delve into history and backstory before they begin, so I'm so glad to see you avoided that. Excited for more!
3/30/2015 c1 14Virtuella
Powerful stuff! The dragon simile was wonderful, the houses as squat dragons, the comparison of tiles and scales, that was really vivid and original imagery.
The use of the colour grey and, in connection with that, the word “mouldy” for the sky, set the scene here and offer a striking contrast to the fire, which we only imagine because you were so restrained in describing it. I found that very effective.
You do a good job to portray to desperation of both characters. Excellent word choices here, like “infest” and “stench” and, of course “crushing.”
The death of the girl is shocking. More so because there is an aesthetic quality to the description of it that as I reader I can almost enjoy. Again, this was well played, the way it is brushing convention against the grain.
Pacing and rhythm are very good. Altogether a fantastic opening, and I am looking forward to the rest of the story.
14VirtuellaPowerful stuff! The dragon simile was wonderful, the houses as squat dragons, the comparison of tiles and scales, that was really vivid and original imagery.
The use of the colour grey and, in connection with that, the word “mouldy” for the sky, set the scene here and offer a striking contrast to the fire, which we only imagine because you were so restrained in describing it. I found that very effective.
You do a good job to portray to desperation of both characters. Excellent word choices here, like “infest” and “stench” and, of course “crushing.”
The death of the girl is shocking. More so because there is an aesthetic quality to the description of it that as I reader I can almost enjoy. Again, this was well played, the way it is brushing convention against the grain.
Pacing and rhythm are very good. Altogether a fantastic opening, and I am looking forward to the rest of the story.
3/30/2015 c1 2Jalux
[Opening]
This opening works for the most part, the lighter and their intentions makes for a solid opening hook. I also think your writing makes the transition over to the main chunk of the chapter is quite good.
[Dialogue]
Very effective, you do dialogue quite well here and you keep it natural and easy to read. Insanity's my only option was a great line I think that also gives her some character so well done on that.
[Ending]
That's a very brutal ending and I think the brutality makes the reader want to keep reading so it makes for a good ending. Certainly the theme of fire here makes for an interesting story, it's not new by any means but I think you have a cool spin on it.
[Writing]
Your prose and sentence flow is excellent for the most part. I also like how you balance out description, exposition and dialogue, it's good because it keeps the piece from being stale. As far as I could tell there were no grammatical errors.
2Jalux[Opening]
This opening works for the most part, the lighter and their intentions makes for a solid opening hook. I also think your writing makes the transition over to the main chunk of the chapter is quite good.
[Dialogue]
Very effective, you do dialogue quite well here and you keep it natural and easy to read. Insanity's my only option was a great line I think that also gives her some character so well done on that.
[Ending]
That's a very brutal ending and I think the brutality makes the reader want to keep reading so it makes for a good ending. Certainly the theme of fire here makes for an interesting story, it's not new by any means but I think you have a cool spin on it.
[Writing]
Your prose and sentence flow is excellent for the most part. I also like how you balance out description, exposition and dialogue, it's good because it keeps the piece from being stale. As far as I could tell there were no grammatical errors.
3/30/2015 c1 1Cheddar-Graham
RG EF review
I like the conciseness of your writing - you pack a lot into 566 words, and perhaps because of this brevity, the story is open to (mis)interpretation. Discounting the information in your summary, the girl's act could be a flamboyant stunt gone wrong or even a protest against arranged marriage or something like that.
I also like how you've captured the moment with your descriptions of the hair and the slimy lips. I could also suggest mentioning the smell of the oil, because while it isn't usually given much attention, the sense of smell is actually quite a major part of our experiences and memory.
Finally, 'smirked' and 'tried' seem inconsistent with the general present tense of the story.
1Cheddar-GrahamRG EF review
I like the conciseness of your writing - you pack a lot into 566 words, and perhaps because of this brevity, the story is open to (mis)interpretation. Discounting the information in your summary, the girl's act could be a flamboyant stunt gone wrong or even a protest against arranged marriage or something like that.
I also like how you've captured the moment with your descriptions of the hair and the slimy lips. I could also suggest mentioning the smell of the oil, because while it isn't usually given much attention, the sense of smell is actually quite a major part of our experiences and memory.
Finally, 'smirked' and 'tried' seem inconsistent with the general present tense of the story.