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9/25/2015 c12 Eyes-Unblinded
It's very early in the morning and I'm feeling in an especially critiquing mood.
Okay, how does the Royal Family of Friday not know their Immortal? Considering the wee bit of generic villainous personality he's got, Friday comes across as someone who would want to make sure EVERYONE knows who he is and what he can do! He is, as my partner would say, 'Butt-hurt' over getting rejected by a woman who he never respected to begin with, and is trying to fill this sense of 'victimization' by being an arrogant and power-abusive cactus about it all.
And that is honestly all I could gather from the first few paragraphs. Seriously, what is stomping through Sunday?

Also, why isn't anyone protesting the children murders? Sure, they're from Thursday, but it's kids getting murdered! Why isn't anyone protesting this? Tessa is not only Thursday, but the United States of America. Really!? I thought this was Fantasy!

Again, the pacing. Stop rushing with the writing! You're either attempting action scenes or not enjoying the process of writing. A few of the sentences feel out of place. It doesn't feel like you have a great picture and action sequence.

To end on the good not, your skill in dialogue helps keep the reader with an idea of what's going on. You're able to use it to show character and move the plot forward, with little waste of space. The character POVs in this chapter are good, too, in that I can get bits of their personality intertwined with the narration. That's all for this morning.
9/14/2015 c23 IronFistRocks
Ashely and Lucian: Violent royalty yes! The rest were pansies
9/13/2015 c11 Eyes-Unblinded
The pacing is noticeably better in this chapter, although some parts still feel a rushed. The last paragraph is one place; it feels like there should be more sentences there.
The interactions in this chapter are very good and entertaining to read. A nice, fun character building little piece. I think one thing to add, though, could be some of them sharing their thoughts on the battle that happened last chapter (maybe before the water fight). Showing that most of the characters don't seem to care much about the first official fight of the story doesn't really make me care about it much, either. This can be damaging, especially when several key character, including the main antagonist, are introduced.
As a personal note, I feel that having two people named Sunday (even though one is called Sasha) is confusing. Hopefully I'll get used to it.
8/14/2015 c10 Eyes-Unblinded
Hey, sorry for disappearing. Work has been occupying my time.
This chapter was extremely fast-paced to the point of confusion. What happened to Tessa? We never got a hint at how she disappeared. The battle sequence felt very cluttered and poorly described. While I can understand why, with so many characters running around, it feels like this chapter was rushed. Friday sounds like a real boring villain character, not someone I'm interested in seeing again, but I would like to hope that that is just due to Tristan's abridged version of the tale (whom we don't have a clear-cut description of). I wish he gave a little more explanation on the Soothsayer abilities, too. The logic/mechanics of the powers can be quite flimsy. I think the power-up makeover in very much... Unnecessary. I'm pretty sure that they would've felt something since they are being physically affected. There was legit no reason I can see why that had to happen, or the fact that everyone seems to be in full control of their newly-bestowed abilities.
I guess that's all for this morning. Hopefully I can get another comment in before the month is out.
8/2/2015 c23 17Aza Marael
It's nice to see a chapter for the first time in awhile! :3 Glad to know you're still alive~! (I understand your laptop problems though. It seems to be a worldwide occurrence or something, as both I and a friend of mine have similar situations.)
I really like Ashley and Lucian. :3 They seem pretty cool, and watching them interact is funny. Also, Yuna dances and is loved some.
Keep up the good work, and good luck with the computer issues!
6/16/2015 c9 Eyes-Unblinded
Hello. I finished publishing my first book and got settled with a job, so now I'm free to review!
First off, a nice introduction into Act 2! Great descriptions, overall. You are able to give us some details of the people and house from Avisa's viewpoint, without just objectively listing stuff off.
I do think that you could give Sven a little more movement when he's explaining. I could imagine him sighing, leaning in the chair, pausing and looking around to think... This shows that you still got it with writing dialogue, but I'd consider stating any of these little actions that catches Avisa's eye would bring more life to him in this chapter.
One more thing: That sentence with Avisa staring harshly at Sven is jarring and redundant. Just putting that out there.
That's it for now. This is much better than the previous chapters, I look forward to more.
6/13/2015 c22 4omega1012
long chapter :) do you mind if we see some of the other OC's namely May, Moses and Yuna and a bunch of other OC's as I feel you've neglected them a tad...maybe have a POV from one of them?
6/3/2015 c22 17Aza Marael
Wow. That *was* a long chapter. Like, geez. On the other hand, more cute cuddling time with Sven and Hazel. :3 And get to see some characters we haven't heard from in awhile (namely May, Moses and Yuna).
6/1/2015 c22 2Lost in the Light
Hm, I guess without my pressuring you, the chapter is longer :P

Seems I should ignore you more...

Anyway, VERY fluffy. You had to introduce the royal Thursday twins ;)
5/30/2015 c22 IronFistRocks
Finally! Haven gets together
Your writing Destiny better that I expected.
5/30/2015 c22 17Akuma Kawashima
FINALLY! These two kiss! More shipping! New shipping! Shipping faster than FedX! Oh and I can't wait for some new characters!

(side note: there's a few letters missing in some words. I suggest looking over it again) ;3
5/26/2015 c21 17Aza Marael
xD Just... everyone. Get Sven and Hazel together already. Gods. Please.
5/26/2015 c21 2Lost in the Light
Yay lots of chapters! I hope to read them all ;)

Aw, this whole chap is a fluff train that crashed into the kitty and puppy store :D

That... was not a cliffhanger :(
5/25/2015 c21 IronFistRocks
Me! Me! Me! I wanna know!
5/16/2015 c8 Eyes-Unblinded
I know that you wrote these first chapters as intended prologues, but they come across more as the First Act in a story.
Summarized bad points:
They're rushed, making the stories at times confusing and not really helping a non participant such as myself really feel like I've been properly introduced to these characters. One thing about stories is to make us able to care for these characters. I'm not really feeling that much.
Description on the characters in lacking. When you do use it, it's usually listed off. I've read that it's better when a couple of traits are given at the start, then the rest of the appearance added in throughout the rest of the scene.
Awkward sentences. Enough said. Personally, I try to read some work aloud to help minimize them.
Some plotholes in the lore: How big are these nations? Do families get separated in a relative is born on a different day? Why are the riots that bad if it seems that not many people know about them? If these do get explained later on, don't count this.
Finally, the ol' Show Over Tell. I've already gone through this, so no repeating here.

Positive parts:
Good dialogue. Nothing too cheesy, I can picture hearing actual people having these conversations and interactions.
With the exception of some of those plotholes, the setting and history is an catching theme, with understandable conflicts.
You're good with beginnings, hooking people in, and ending things that'll keep the story moving along and interesting. However, that may only keep people around for so long. I'll stick around, of course

I'm aware that you requested me to review the later chapters, but again, it's your introduction chapters that need the work. That's where you hook the readers, after all, and need to keep them reading. I'm trying to publish a book now, so I don't know if I can drop a review later on this week.
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