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4/29/2015 c2 Eyes-Unblinded
Night time does bring out the critiquer in me, as does positive-only reviews.
First off, the pacing in this is crazy. I don't know if it is the couple of awkward sentences in the narration, or the low level of description, but things just seems to go way too fast! Show a little more transition between the scenes.

The part about Avisa waiting for two hours in the room needs to get rewritten, it's like you just listed those details with little care. Maybe something like: 'It's been two hours since me and Garret were put in this room. Only three other people/kids have been let in since then. I've pretty much kept to myself while most of the brainiacs were huddled together in a couple of circles on the other half of the room. Me and Garret had a short conversation about [something], then he went to check on the nerd group quietly buzzing with talk right across from us. I smack my dry lips, looking around the fair-sized room to see that, again, there's no food or water fountain available. The big words echoing around the bleak walls halts when one of the people from the table walks in.'

That's all I can come up with. I don't know much of Avisa's personality, so I could only put in so much. That's the thing with personal POVs like first and second: You *really* have to get into the character's head. Feel free to take my paragraph if you want to redo this.
Another thing: You've said that the parents encouraged Avisa because of the money reward. This should've been stated last chapter, during the family conversation.

I do wonder about how the selection process went: it seems very random. But I have a feeling that this will be revealed later on, and I would like to find that out.

To end on a good note, the characters are likable enough. Garret's amusement with blood is an interesting quirk, it'd be cool if there is a story explaining that. Avisa seems a bit generic right now, but this is only the second chapter, so I'm sure that we'll see her more fleshed out as the story progresses.
4/29/2015 c1 Eyes-Unblinded
Hello. Here is my first review. I know that you asked for your later chapters to be critiqued, but I have a few things to say first. One is that most of these chapters are pretty short, so my critiques won't be very long. I won't hold off too much on my thoughts on the characters, if the original creators want to reply what I've written, you all can just PM me, okay?

The lore seems interesting, I haven't read a destopia surrounding the days yet. It goes make me wonder though how families will get separated. Are Avisa's family all born on Thursday? How is that possible? I wonder if there was rebelling going on... This seems like a good hook.
The description on the characters is lacking. You did a good job with the general setting, but I can't pick out much from the characters when I'm trying to make a mental picture. I'm not sure what the OC creators sent, but a basic description would help. As for the shack, the description is good, but see it you can integrate it better into the story than just listing stuff off.
The dialogue is pretty good. That one sentence from Calix, the 'twice the quotas' one, is awkward. Either rewrite it or state that he says it awkwardly. If you can give us more character expressions to better help with the Showing, not Telling of the story.
4/29/2015 c18 17Aza Marael
And poor Sven, you poor baby... :(

On the other hand, first romance (though I had a feeling they would from the beginning. Childhood friends, right? :D) and Jordan is such a cheeky little shite. I love him. xD
Glad we got to see more of the other characters!
4/29/2015 c18 2Lost in the Light
Abel: "Hey, you don't have to be faster than the enemy, just faster than your friend on crutches!"

Jordan: "Poor Sven, I hope he get's better. Oh, and he... um... Doesn't 'kick the bucket', If you get my metaphor."

2: Yay, marriage law!. I got a few randoms in mind maybe someone in the quest. With their permission, of course.

Yay, new chapter I can already see some... Jordan x Destiny fluff. I have yet to come up with a name...
4/28/2015 c17 IronFistRocks
Same. That was really funny.
Why are you apologizing? Why?
(And which guys aren't taken? I kinda want Dest to have 'love' interest, but I don't know who yet.)
4/28/2015 c17 Lost in the Light
Hah! I love how you're incorporating Jordan, making him an ACTUAL character instead of some random person you use to get dialog out of the way when all of your other characters have spoke too much. I like how his personality is unfolding, like he is becoming more extroverted XD
4/28/2015 c17 17Akuma Kawashima
I really like how you make the dialogue realistic. We must remember that they are still kids/teens. And while this is a fantasy, kids/teens still have their limitations whether it be physically, emotionally, or power-wise.

Plus the characters are just that awesome XD
4/28/2015 c17 1Fairy Lori
Aww! Amazing chapters! XD

Poor Sasha Sunday! She is gone!

I wonder how group two is going?
4/25/2015 c16 Angel
I think this is the longest chapter so far.
The humour, the tension and drama is making a really good recipe for a great story. Make more update soon.
P.s still the same Princess Of Flames
4/25/2015 c16 17Aza Marael
That was one action-packed chapter! :D
Got to see a little more on Cris, and finally help not only Avisa and Garrett, but also all the other kids!
And HAH, take that Friday! You had that coming!
4/25/2015 c16 IronFistRocks
Woah. Wow. I-uh, wow.
4/25/2015 c16 2Lost in the Light
You write on 15? I do mostly all of my work on 22, 32 for titles and headlines. I got 12 pages, but that's probably because it doesn't automatically indent. Can't wait till the next chapter.


4/25/2015 c15 Angel
Dude, you're updating faster then I get time to review, which is a good thing.
Your story is going quite well and I'm enjoying every bit of it. You are doing a good job so keep up the good work. Though i have no idea where CCyrus disappeared off to but perhaps that's because i haven't been reviewing frequently and the author may be cross with me. Sorry about that though.
Make more, update soon.
Princess Of Flames
4/23/2015 c15 4omega1012
cool,hope moses gets a chance to shine soon :)
4/23/2015 c14 omega1012
sweet :)
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