for Aphiry10/18/2015 c8 
18cud-b-better
Sorry, been a while.
Not much really happened this chapter in terms of development but I understand it was necessary. Now will he finally be cured. Hoping some tension of some kind will come in soon.
Keep it up.
18cud-b-betterSorry, been a while.
Not much really happened this chapter in terms of development but I understand it was necessary. Now will he finally be cured. Hoping some tension of some kind will come in soon.
Keep it up.
8/29/2015 c8 5Lost Magic
Looks like Rain has a dark side that might be coming out with the game.
As for monsters... Skeletons for low to mid level. Giant bugs or lizards at mid level. Harpies or Vampires or Werewolves at high level. Chimeras are always a good fantasy bosses.
5Lost MagicLooks like Rain has a dark side that might be coming out with the game.
As for monsters... Skeletons for low to mid level. Giant bugs or lizards at mid level. Harpies or Vampires or Werewolves at high level. Chimeras are always a good fantasy bosses.
7/30/2015 c7 Guest
This is some good stuff not a lot of people make he mc. An archer So lookie forward to some
This is some good stuff not a lot of people make he mc. An archer So lookie forward to some
6/18/2015 c2 2ThePikachu181
This is an intriguing chapter. I like the relationship between Sora and Riku. (Their names remind me of kingdom hearts actually.)
Your chapters feel very short. I think it'd be great if you could lengthen them a bit. That's just my opinion, however, and either way the story is good.
2ThePikachu181This is an intriguing chapter. I like the relationship between Sora and Riku. (Their names remind me of kingdom hearts actually.)
Your chapters feel very short. I think it'd be great if you could lengthen them a bit. That's just my opinion, however, and either way the story is good.
6/18/2015 c1 ThePikachu181
Interesting start! I love stories about virtual reality games. Your style really drew me in and I'm extremely curious to find out what happens next! :)
Interesting start! I love stories about virtual reality games. Your style really drew me in and I'm extremely curious to find out what happens next! :)
6/12/2015 c7 18cud-b-better
Well unsurprisingly the duo work pretty well together. But people PKing or attempting just to get their hands on those potions. Shouldn't they really work to prevent those kind of things in games (like items cannot be taken from characters below a certain level), you don't wanna ruin something for someone who's only just started.
But anyway a good chapter with some good team work on the characters part. Keep it up.
18cud-b-betterWell unsurprisingly the duo work pretty well together. But people PKing or attempting just to get their hands on those potions. Shouldn't they really work to prevent those kind of things in games (like items cannot be taken from characters below a certain level), you don't wanna ruin something for someone who's only just started.
But anyway a good chapter with some good team work on the characters part. Keep it up.
6/8/2015 c7 5Lost Magic
This chapter was a little choppy at times. I could follow what was happening, but the usual flow, especially during the combat section, felt like it was lacking a bit.
Other than that, good to see they can work together well. Seems they now have their first quest to go on to cure the slime issue.
5Lost MagicThis chapter was a little choppy at times. I could follow what was happening, but the usual flow, especially during the combat section, felt like it was lacking a bit.
Other than that, good to see they can work together well. Seems they now have their first quest to go on to cure the slime issue.
6/6/2015 c6 18cud-b-better
Well main character getting slimed, nice. Couldn't really work out whether the kids were meant to be NPC's or not though.
Anyway just one minor correction:
I want to [by] some cheap light armour - [buy]
18cud-b-betterWell main character getting slimed, nice. Couldn't really work out whether the kids were meant to be NPC's or not though.
Anyway just one minor correction:
I want to [by] some cheap light armour - [buy]
6/4/2015 c6 2Nullified
This was a very creative an intruiging chapter, lots of different tid bits and other neat entries. Here are some of the things I enjoyed most:
-1st, I loved 'Lyre's' expression to the attractive NPC at start, That was perfectly hilarious.
-2nd, the creative reason why players stood away from slimes. You could've said they poison or damage nearby players, but the slime explosion was very innovative.
-3rd, that cliffhanger. I know Rain's just asking about his inventory, but something's telling me it might not be as simple as any other dumb old inventory... Great job on making a simple game mechanic sound frightening XD.
2NullifiedThis was a very creative an intruiging chapter, lots of different tid bits and other neat entries. Here are some of the things I enjoyed most:
-1st, I loved 'Lyre's' expression to the attractive NPC at start, That was perfectly hilarious.
-2nd, the creative reason why players stood away from slimes. You could've said they poison or damage nearby players, but the slime explosion was very innovative.
-3rd, that cliffhanger. I know Rain's just asking about his inventory, but something's telling me it might not be as simple as any other dumb old inventory... Great job on making a simple game mechanic sound frightening XD.
5/30/2015 c5 18cud-b-better
And they learn the basics of the game. Sora definitely coming over to me as a brocon but hey why does that matter. I liked the touch that she was kicked out of the game because of her increased heart rate.
Anyway as per usual:
and found [his] brother - [her]
she realized he did [the] exactly the same thing to it - [omit out]
Could be better - you called?
Sora made [final-some] touches - switch words around.
18cud-b-betterAnd they learn the basics of the game. Sora definitely coming over to me as a brocon but hey why does that matter. I liked the touch that she was kicked out of the game because of her increased heart rate.
Anyway as per usual:
and found [his] brother - [her]
she realized he did [the] exactly the same thing to it - [omit out]
Could be better - you called?
Sora made [final-some] touches - switch words around.
5/29/2015 c5 2Nullified
Oooooo... It's getting hopelessly romantic in here! XD
Anyways, this was a good chapter to explore Sora's personality. It showed a side to her I never would've expected.
*waves flag* I'm rooting for you, Sora.
2NullifiedOooooo... It's getting hopelessly romantic in here! XD
Anyways, this was a good chapter to explore Sora's personality. It showed a side to her I never would've expected.
*waves flag* I'm rooting for you, Sora.
5/29/2015 c5 5Lost Magic
Getting a more than sisterly vibe from Sora towards her brother. I'm guessing that is what you intended?
5Lost MagicGetting a more than sisterly vibe from Sora towards her brother. I'm guessing that is what you intended?
5/25/2015 c1 C. V. Atwood
Off the bat, I think it might be fun to withhold from the reader that Riku is playing a video game until the knock on the door. I think it would be a better hook if the reader was questioning if he was in an actual battle rather than a game. It is a good action sequence with enough clues to lead the reader to it being a game without giving it away upfront.
The switch from Riku to Sora was a bit jarring. It came out of nowhere and I was momentarily confused as to whose thoughts I was getting. You might want to add a divider to make that a bit more clear.
Also, just a few typos-missing commas and capitalization when it isn't necessary. This is any easy fix with an extra spell-checker. I use Grammarly on top of Word's checker and it seems to work well most of the time.
Finally, I might try to introduce the virtual reality game a bit more in this chapter, and what it means to Sora. I saw in your summary that she wants to use it to connect with her brother, but I didn't really get that in this chapter. I think filling this out a bit more would also help to create tension for the rest of the story and soften the end of the chapter. It kind of came to a close abruptly and didn't give me much to go on. I think it can be a cool concept and plot so be sure the reader gets that early.
Off the bat, I think it might be fun to withhold from the reader that Riku is playing a video game until the knock on the door. I think it would be a better hook if the reader was questioning if he was in an actual battle rather than a game. It is a good action sequence with enough clues to lead the reader to it being a game without giving it away upfront.
The switch from Riku to Sora was a bit jarring. It came out of nowhere and I was momentarily confused as to whose thoughts I was getting. You might want to add a divider to make that a bit more clear.
Also, just a few typos-missing commas and capitalization when it isn't necessary. This is any easy fix with an extra spell-checker. I use Grammarly on top of Word's checker and it seems to work well most of the time.
Finally, I might try to introduce the virtual reality game a bit more in this chapter, and what it means to Sora. I saw in your summary that she wants to use it to connect with her brother, but I didn't really get that in this chapter. I think filling this out a bit more would also help to create tension for the rest of the story and soften the end of the chapter. It kind of came to a close abruptly and didn't give me much to go on. I think it can be a cool concept and plot so be sure the reader gets that early.
5/17/2015 c4 Lost Magic
Not a great way to start a game but that might turn out to be for the best. A quick loss is the best way to cure overconfidence. I'm sure he will do better once he has his sister backing him up.
Not a great way to start a game but that might turn out to be for the best. A quick loss is the best way to cure overconfidence. I'm sure he will do better once he has his sister backing him up.
5/13/2015 c4 18cud-b-better
Wow, go into a game and get killed within a few minutes. But what kind of arsehole attacks someone who has literally just started? That's one way to ruin someones gaming experience. Really hope Riku screws him over bad and soon. Well Riku's attitude was hardly polite though so I suppose no surprise there.
Anyway things I noticed take with grain of salt:
before he released [me] and walked away - [him]
he was [freighted] of it - [frightened]
18cud-b-betterWow, go into a game and get killed within a few minutes. But what kind of arsehole attacks someone who has literally just started? That's one way to ruin someones gaming experience. Really hope Riku screws him over bad and soon. Well Riku's attitude was hardly polite though so I suppose no surprise there.
Anyway things I noticed take with grain of salt:
before he released [me] and walked away - [him]
he was [freighted] of it - [frightened]