6/5/2015 c11 43LuckycoolHawk9
I really liked the introduction of this chapter because you get right into the action and show how Charlotte percieves the situation quite well at the end of it all. I also liked how Jude rescued them because it shows an interesting side to his character that we have never seen before. I also really like how you revealed the connection between Jude, Kit and Charlotte because it is fascinating to think that a boy winds up saving his favorite author and the main star of his punk show and demonstrates how life can be very concidental. I somewhat dislicked the ending because it seems to show that Charlotte is not noticing what's around her.

6/4/2015 c16 13alltheeagles
RG EF

Hey, it’s the revelation, and sooner than I thought too. Right, so Jude was on a pest-control mission and he decided to spare the humans. That makes sense, given his (presumably forbidden) association with humans vis-a-vis hanging around C’s band. And then he got turned and he’s persona non grata to his own kind so he might as well hang around Charlotte. And he just happens to want a pet shaper. Ok, I’ll stop harping on Jude’s motives now. But I’m no closer to understanding the nature of vampires and shapers, which is a little maddening to my OCD-ish brain. Charlotte, honey, your plan is so full of holes you could use it as a sieve. But hey, whatever keeps you going, right? Incidentally, I liked the explanation of why they turned Jude – it’s logical if somewhat risky, and boy did the gamble NOT pay off big time for them. Especially Niki. It’s pretty cool, though, that combination of deadly magic and regeneration/hard to killness, like the Hulk and Wolverine had a lovechild. But now that I think about it, hmm, the fact that Kit was the shapers’ strategist might explain why Jude thinks he’s worth keeping around.
In conclusion: I think you dealt with your problem of getting sidetracked in character development cause the plot is moving just fine now. Incidentally, are there only 3 POVs now? No more from the other shaper and Jude’s sister?

6/2/2015 c9 19Anihyr Moonstar
Juuuuude.

-rumbles happily- I love reading his chapters, but then I'm always left at the end having no idea what to say because I feel like the rhythm of his perspective just rolls up and sweeps me over and I kind of just swim in his mind for a while. And then I get to the end and it's like wow, well, the current took me somewhere but the *ride is over* what happened.

But ahem. Something a little more coherent, let's see...

I feel like I kind of half babbled everything I thought about this chapter into the RG forum already. XD But I'll make an effort to make it more readable here. As I said in there, I thought the waxing/waning was clear, but I actually was going to comment on it anyway (before you brought it up as a point of possible confusion) just because, while reading it, I actually thought that was a really neat effect. It felt almost like this sort of...energy balloon/bubble/inhale as it waxes and his magic/energy/blood rage builds and roils up on itself, and then a heavy gradual exhale as it wanes... The word choice adds a nice subtlety to it and also makes it feel more...wild? Comparing it to the moon/nature? I enjoyed it.

The little break of a memory in between was a neat technique, splitting up the chaos poetry with this very vivid, concise and suddenly fully comprehensible dream. If I'm correct in assume that it's when he drinks (or kills?), he gets to experience these memories(?), then I really think the reasoning behind why it's so addictive is made really evident in that stylistic choice. He's completely 'lost' when he's himself in the real world - everything is chaos and the reader is rolled through that tumultuous insanity as he experiences it, but then he gets to this *memory* and it's not 'real' but it feels so much more real because it can be understood and it's calm and clear, etc.. Not this clashing of two selves tossed into a sea of battling impulses.

Really Jude does feel kind of like riding giant ocean waves in a stormy sea going up, up, up crashing thunder and then down, down, down into the lull between waves...anyway. Very cool. I thought that sense of rise/fall was especially evident right at the end when he's waning, waning down from the high and his grin is fading and guilt and confusion are sinking in - and then the vampire hivemind is back at him and energy pulses back in.

Let's see - oh yeah! I did like the content of that little eye of the storm memory, too - I felt like it did a good job emphasizing that 'reverse' culture of the witches, where girls are wanted and three boys in a row is bad, etc.. Jude was a cute little'un, poor thing had to grow up. Poor sweet prince. It does a good job inspiring sympathy for him too in that we can really glimpse him feeling more human there.

All around, lovely chapter! :D

- Moonstar

5/31/2015 c8 19Anihyr Moonstar
Great opening line. I especially like Charlotte’s caps in that particular instance. They come off not only punchy but defiant, in your face Not Dead, motherfuckers. Take That. That initial scene reminds me of a hangover, head swimming, thoughts too loud, nauseous, vision blurry, focus off — though I imagine her version is several hundred times worse than the worst hangover *I’ve* ever had. Still, it fits in nicely (ironically?) with her being in the ‘drunk tank’ now, even though the circumstances are so drastically different.

[“Eat shit,” I seethe.] Lovely dialogue. The whole exchange there is nicely handled, but it’s always especially fun to hear Charlotte being…Charlotte, and never see her fire die out. People pick fusses about using anything else besides ‘said’, but I think ‘seethe’ in this instance really does its work and adds to the emphasis of the tone.

And huzzaahhhh — all of them finally together in united glory! The scene where they’re all finally in the same space is grand. All of them worn to their limits, haggard, multi-times broken brittle and filthy as you can get, but breathing the same air! It’s almost amusing to see Charlotte’s reaction to Kit, him being The Worst, when really he is the softest thing there, poor thing - and he can’t even *shape*, Char! Not that she knows that, but still. I feel bad for Kit - as always, I suppose.

The depictions of Jude, though, are especially great once things get going. I always love how you describe the mottled mesh of his expressions, his movement and his magic — definitely his magic. [Magic curls from his center, unfolding up like broken, jagged wings.] I think almost terrifying broken horror angel, which is pretty rad.

The capitalization technique — love it or hate it — has had mostly rhythm and emphasis effects up until now. At the end, though (even though I suppose it’s still an emphasis thing in a way), it really makes a *difference* - I think (unless I’m mistaken) this is the first time where, if the caps *weren’t* there, the writing just wouldn’t work, since it would be an ‘exact’ repeat. So I think it’s cool that you used it there, that way, really making it carry its weight, and the point comes across obviously. I am hoping for much Jude carnage of evil witches next chap, knowing you let him handle action scenes. I ANTICIPATE ACTION. Much excitement.

Lovely chapter - so happy to see them all together. 8D

- Moonstar

5/31/2015 c17 2Jalux
Interesting interaction between them at the start and then to follow up with it at the end basically. At the start he kind of ignores her attempt to talk to him but at the end it's him trying to be friendly after everything they went throughout the chapter. I definitely can see the steady progression of their friendship and it feels like it's set a good pace. Sharing the energy bar is something I used to haha.

I do think it's realistic how Achitophel follows her orders more or less, it fits in line with what we've seen of his character so far. Charlotte is more "capable" and it shows in how they interact. What I am interested was Achitophel's strategist past and I think it came through this chapter! Like he didn't really plan so to speak but he showed a tactical side of him with the rune traps and his memory of what had transpired before to dictate their actions.

So yeah apart from that I liked the plot developments all around here, good note about how Nikky found the note but not before it was too late. Unless I miss something I don't believe we know why he was too late so it's just more stuff we need to discover. Pacing was spot on and I liked the steady development of Charlotte and Achitophel's relationship. It's a kind of we need to stick together because we need each other to survive kind of thing at the moment.

5/30/2015 c13 13alltheeagles
RG EF review.

First off, my my what a familiar sounding title... :D

I like the setup of your world in general so far, but certain things are starting to make me wonder. One particular phrase intrigues me: ‘the not human parts of me’. Does this mean Kit is only half shaper, and in turn, does that mean that Shapers/Witches/humans can interbreed? He doesn’t seem to identify himself as human, since he also says ‘Don’t underestimate humans’. That it isn’t an inborn condition is suggested by his brother Carwin being a wolf (and he’s a fox – if it’s genetic, then he should also be a fox too right?) Or is it the case that being human is the base form and something has to happen to make one a shaper or witch? In other words, is a shaper or a witch just a human with special powers, or are they born fundamentally different? Going with that thought, is a shaper just a subspecies of witch in that they have a particular kind of magic (ie shapeshifting) as opposed to the witches’ more varied abilities? In the absence of any explanation, I fall back on ‘standard’ knowledge of shapeshifters and witches, so if you have a different explanation, maybe that could be made clearer unless you think it makes no difference to the story. Having said all this, I like that you’re giving Kit distinct characteristics like his heightened senses and his residual instincts. In a sense, he’s also having an identity crisis just like Jude, only in his case it’s not so much having two identities as being forced to adopt a new one.

5/29/2015 c6 Anihyr Moonstar
I enjoy the flashback to the glory days feel of the opener. It’s immediately evident that we’re getting a glimpse into the past, and cool to get that backdrop of Char and Pat’s roots - putting a real world, glitter and glam rocker teenagers spin on everything before dropping them back into the dingy, end-of-the-world present again. The whole loop there is great, really - heaping that whole sequence in rich with detail in a minimum span of time before finally finishing with the ‘death’ of their childhoods.

Language choice and phrases like [a constellation of…clubs] and [writhed on the floors of stages] really does a great job of making the tone of the opening sequence pop and feel as flashy and ephemeral as it was. Celestial, starry, impossible and wild. You are always great about slipping in words that add flavor that way, but those pairs really stood out for me in that portion.

The development of the setting in the part after the opener is well-handled as always. Between the dingy water to the ‘black skies’ to ‘industrial outlands’, ‘rotting cesspools’ and ‘inland seagulls’ you get a really strong sense of the desolation and ruined atmosphere. Very dreary and bleak, which layers atop what they’re already mentally dealing with.

“That I’m just as bad.” Uuuuggghhhhh. Not at her, but in general at anyone ever who says ‘hate doesn’t stop hate’ or *anything* that amounts to victim shaming suggesting that lashing back at aggressors is *somehow* equatable to aggressive action in the first place. I want to punch anyone who says or suggests this. It’s like suggesting you should never say or do anything when someone hurts you because that makes you ‘just as bad’ and completely de-legitimizes the *rational* anger you feel and- *shuts up*

Like all your rare dialogue, I thought the segment between Char and Patti was natural and telling. The fact that you have so little of it made it *feel* sudden, like it was supposed to be, breaking into the silence with that crack burst of emotion. It seemed fittingly horrible somehow that the last time they held each other like that was when their previous friend died, and now they’re doing it again just as Pat is killed.

I think you handled the shock really well - the rawness and brutality of it combined with instincts kicking in, making for a jarring and powerful closer. The “still alive” bit really hits home by then. Like everything’s been taken from her and maybe literally all Char has left at this point is that - her life. But I still managed to feel a spark of pity for the shapers at the line ‘their bodies are so starved they already look like rotting corpses’ - obviously pushed to their desperate outer limits.

Hnnnnh - best of luck to you, Char. Maybe this is why you had to resort to a boot knife against those witches - all out of bullets. I look forward to seeing your whole motley crew get round up together.

- Moonstar

5/29/2015 c5 19Anihyr Moonstar
I enjoy how, right from the opening sentence, Charlotte’s voice is already immediately distinct. Her narrative style comes off blunt, to the point, a little roughed up around the edges but practical and no-nonsense, and that’s consistent throughout. Though I’ve never had good luck with first person narratives myself, I love the way you manage them, and how you manage to say as much with their voice and presentation style as you do with what they actually tell us - ‘how’ they tell the story acting as an added layer. Really nice work.

I thought the opening itself worked well in general, too - hitting it off with immediate action and sucking me in. I thought the contrast between ‘the arm’s whatever’ (which is bad enough to begin with and I was like haha what of course you’d say that but it seems like a *big deal to me*) and the mention of castration was nicely timed and put the arm breaking nicely into perspective.
The “Every Dick Counts” line paired with the castration mention was sufficiently ominous and followed through to the end I anticipated it would. The handling of the ordeal kind of makes me want to bludgeon The Good Guys, but that’s typical of me.

I think the style of Charlotte’s presentation have always been the easiest for me to read - certainly the quickest, with Jude being the slowest (though always fascinating) - which makes the pacing feel like it trucks right along nicely. I chock this up mostly to the fact that she’s the least…poetic, of them? And not in a bad way - I think it fits her really well, as previously described, and emphasizes her character. It’s also a nice change of pace, varying the tempo up a bit after Kit’s more lyrical prose.

I’m also interested in the significance of The Title Caps that Charlotte likes to use. To me it mentally adds weight and emphasis to certain phrases - probably the most poetic thing about her style - and gives the rhythm of it an interesting lilt. Pushing the words on us a little more - sometimes a bit like delivering small punches.

“Jaxon wanted us both to hang.” I’ll just have to settle for mentally spitting on him and maybe grinding a heel into his non-existent balls.

I liked the way the bulk of the story dribbled down into the ending, the chapter beginning heavy both in content and physical text (thick paragraphs), and then petered out to their leaving with spaced out, one lined dialogue and finally just three, spread out short sentences. It kind of mirrors the feel of what’s going on and gives off that sense of the cowgirl-soldiers disappearing off into the sunset as the screen fades to black. I don’t know if the text set up was intentional or not, but my eyes noticed it looking back and I thought it was interesting, and it gave the ending a nice sort of dwindling finality.

- Moonstar