for Dead Craft5/24/2015 c13 
14Virtuella
I was so excited to find that the chapter title is the title of your recent poem. The poem seemed rather cryptic to me at the time, but becomes a lot more accessible in the context of this story. I wanted to go back and read it again, but it’s gone?
Anyway, I liked this chapter a lot. It says a lot about how dark a world you have created that the abandoned and dilapidated city seems idyllic in contrast. The surroundings are melancholy but not menacing. Just like Achitophel, I am trying to imagine the panic of humans as they abandoned their world under the onslaught of the witches.
The honey in the kitchen was a lovely touch for so many reasons. On a technical level, it is one of the few foods that could plausibly still be edible after perhaps years. As a food of natural sweetness it evokes a better world than the terrible one of the present. Very fitting then that it brings childhood memories to Achitophel.
Poor Achitophel. I feel even more sorry for him after his “a dream where I traveled through more than just a bridge, but a portal leading home.” He is such a lost soul and so infinitely lonely. With his “gaping wounds for eyes,” no wonder he cannot be reconciled to his mirror image.
Excellent way of finishing the chapter with the reference to Carwin Wolf. This certainly added another layer of intrigue to the story.
I’m wondering whether the mentioning of “pale fire” is a reference to the Nabokov novel or pure coincidence?
14VirtuellaI was so excited to find that the chapter title is the title of your recent poem. The poem seemed rather cryptic to me at the time, but becomes a lot more accessible in the context of this story. I wanted to go back and read it again, but it’s gone?
Anyway, I liked this chapter a lot. It says a lot about how dark a world you have created that the abandoned and dilapidated city seems idyllic in contrast. The surroundings are melancholy but not menacing. Just like Achitophel, I am trying to imagine the panic of humans as they abandoned their world under the onslaught of the witches.
The honey in the kitchen was a lovely touch for so many reasons. On a technical level, it is one of the few foods that could plausibly still be edible after perhaps years. As a food of natural sweetness it evokes a better world than the terrible one of the present. Very fitting then that it brings childhood memories to Achitophel.
Poor Achitophel. I feel even more sorry for him after his “a dream where I traveled through more than just a bridge, but a portal leading home.” He is such a lost soul and so infinitely lonely. With his “gaping wounds for eyes,” no wonder he cannot be reconciled to his mirror image.
Excellent way of finishing the chapter with the reference to Carwin Wolf. This certainly added another layer of intrigue to the story.
I’m wondering whether the mentioning of “pale fire” is a reference to the Nabokov novel or pure coincidence?
5/24/2015 c12 Virtuella
I am really glad to get back to this. I like the very tentative nature of this chapter, the delicate and vulnerable balance that develops here. Well described how Achitophel cheers himself on, I can make it to this point, I can make it to that point. Well described also how close to breakdown Jude is, “crouched with his back to me, rocking.”
From the first chapter I have been wondering about the women, where they are, what their role is, so it was good to get a glimpse of this here. I really hope we will meet one of these witch women at some point. It is intriguing that Jude has command over female as well as male magic.
I also couldn’t help it, thought this is entirely tangential to your story, to view this in the context of the renewed debate about fox hunting in the UK.
I am really glad to get back to this. I like the very tentative nature of this chapter, the delicate and vulnerable balance that develops here. Well described how Achitophel cheers himself on, I can make it to this point, I can make it to that point. Well described also how close to breakdown Jude is, “crouched with his back to me, rocking.”
From the first chapter I have been wondering about the women, where they are, what their role is, so it was good to get a glimpse of this here. I really hope we will meet one of these witch women at some point. It is intriguing that Jude has command over female as well as male magic.
I also couldn’t help it, thought this is entirely tangential to your story, to view this in the context of the renewed debate about fox hunting in the UK.
5/23/2015 c14 2Jalux
Achitophel seems to be struggling alot with these dreams. I wonder if this is part of being a shaper, or if there's a reason behind him having these nightmares because this is the second I believe? Anyways I thought the opening was quite good, especially the extra attention paid to his condition upon waking up and finding his arm numb for example. It really goes to show what kind of effect the dream had on him both physically and mentally.
There's a lot to digest here, liking the plot developments. So I was a bit surprised the prince ended up turning on him although his line of wanting to make Achitophel remember why he valued life was interesting and this exercise of making him run or he'll hex him. There seems to be a hidden motive to his actions and I'm eager to find out what he's after.
Character-wise I appreciated the insight into Achitophel's past as it's something I've been asking about. I would not have taken him for a cold-blooded calculative strategist who killed hundreds, it really didn't fit with the coward you portrayed him as. But people do change and he mentions it was what he used to be. So yeah it makes the reader contemplate how long ago was this (as shapers live longer?) and what turned him into the Achitophel of today. You mention he was planning for a year but I am quite curious as to whether his transformation took place over a year or decades maybe?
There was a tonne of repetition in the dialogue this chapter, I'm honestly a little on the fence here. It got the message across which I thought was he's not in a great mental state at the moment but I wonder if it's too much? There's the repetition of Ruth, everywhere, lied/lied/lied, Noll/Noll/Noll. Maybe check other reviewers opinions on this because I was a bit mixed. Still I think the dialogue elsewhere was solid especially the little quip when he finishes the prince's sentence for him.
Anyways good stuff all around.
2JaluxAchitophel seems to be struggling alot with these dreams. I wonder if this is part of being a shaper, or if there's a reason behind him having these nightmares because this is the second I believe? Anyways I thought the opening was quite good, especially the extra attention paid to his condition upon waking up and finding his arm numb for example. It really goes to show what kind of effect the dream had on him both physically and mentally.
There's a lot to digest here, liking the plot developments. So I was a bit surprised the prince ended up turning on him although his line of wanting to make Achitophel remember why he valued life was interesting and this exercise of making him run or he'll hex him. There seems to be a hidden motive to his actions and I'm eager to find out what he's after.
Character-wise I appreciated the insight into Achitophel's past as it's something I've been asking about. I would not have taken him for a cold-blooded calculative strategist who killed hundreds, it really didn't fit with the coward you portrayed him as. But people do change and he mentions it was what he used to be. So yeah it makes the reader contemplate how long ago was this (as shapers live longer?) and what turned him into the Achitophel of today. You mention he was planning for a year but I am quite curious as to whether his transformation took place over a year or decades maybe?
There was a tonne of repetition in the dialogue this chapter, I'm honestly a little on the fence here. It got the message across which I thought was he's not in a great mental state at the moment but I wonder if it's too much? There's the repetition of Ruth, everywhere, lied/lied/lied, Noll/Noll/Noll. Maybe check other reviewers opinions on this because I was a bit mixed. Still I think the dialogue elsewhere was solid especially the little quip when he finishes the prince's sentence for him.
Anyways good stuff all around.
5/22/2015 c6 deadaccount2019
I'm really enjoying getting to know more of Char and what she was like before the world went nuts. I'd always been under the impression that her music career and band were something that came about around college age, so to see this was a gradually built dream with a long-time friend was bittersweet. The past scene did make me wonder what the world was like pre-war, though. The careless attitude toward ID'ing, for example, reminded me a lot of the more laid-back attitudes towards underaged substance usage pre-90s, and the rock fashion sounds 80s-ish, but the weaponry creates a much more recent image. Granted, this is AU-ish, so you have the luxury of mixing and matching elements. At the very least though there's enough to recognize the imagery.
That ending! Poor Patrice, and poor Char! Recalling your concerns re: Char sorta suicidal, I think you did a great job here establishing the basis for reaching that point. Survivor's guilt is very much at play here, but there are many other elements compounding it (fear, hopelessness, general guilt for what happened in Catskill, loneliness, mourning, anger, etc) which make her state of mind all the more authentic and create a foundation for her to grow from later on. Excellent handling of the mentality, Potts!
In terms of the action, my reaction at first was odd. On the initial arrow I was more stunned than startled, then the revelation that the jug was destoryed and water wasted I had this "Oh, ffs! Leave them alone!" moment rather than fear. At first I thought it odd that we didn't get a dose of pissy Char, but in retrospect the mood swing would have been premature given everything Char's in the middle of. So what it boils down to is I think we've reached a point where the reader is ready to see Char catch a break, something I thought took much longer tp build up to in HtD.
And yea more racial building! It's a small piece, but I'd often wondered what happened to shapers who died in a totem form. I'm actually a bit surprised that they return to human because I was always under the impression their totem was the more dominant side (especually with Kit's instinctual moments post-binding), so to see human form as a sort of default plays nicely into the humans' view of the shapers being the bad guys. On a more disturbing thought, it kind of makes me think of real bad guys (sexual sadists, pedophiles, arsonists, kleptomaniacs, etc) living with and controlling or acting on their urges. It's definitely changed my perspective on the shapers. Not necessarily for the worse, but they feel much more dynamic on moral and ethical level.
I'm really enjoying getting to know more of Char and what she was like before the world went nuts. I'd always been under the impression that her music career and band were something that came about around college age, so to see this was a gradually built dream with a long-time friend was bittersweet. The past scene did make me wonder what the world was like pre-war, though. The careless attitude toward ID'ing, for example, reminded me a lot of the more laid-back attitudes towards underaged substance usage pre-90s, and the rock fashion sounds 80s-ish, but the weaponry creates a much more recent image. Granted, this is AU-ish, so you have the luxury of mixing and matching elements. At the very least though there's enough to recognize the imagery.
That ending! Poor Patrice, and poor Char! Recalling your concerns re: Char sorta suicidal, I think you did a great job here establishing the basis for reaching that point. Survivor's guilt is very much at play here, but there are many other elements compounding it (fear, hopelessness, general guilt for what happened in Catskill, loneliness, mourning, anger, etc) which make her state of mind all the more authentic and create a foundation for her to grow from later on. Excellent handling of the mentality, Potts!
In terms of the action, my reaction at first was odd. On the initial arrow I was more stunned than startled, then the revelation that the jug was destoryed and water wasted I had this "Oh, ffs! Leave them alone!" moment rather than fear. At first I thought it odd that we didn't get a dose of pissy Char, but in retrospect the mood swing would have been premature given everything Char's in the middle of. So what it boils down to is I think we've reached a point where the reader is ready to see Char catch a break, something I thought took much longer tp build up to in HtD.
And yea more racial building! It's a small piece, but I'd often wondered what happened to shapers who died in a totem form. I'm actually a bit surprised that they return to human because I was always under the impression their totem was the more dominant side (especually with Kit's instinctual moments post-binding), so to see human form as a sort of default plays nicely into the humans' view of the shapers being the bad guys. On a more disturbing thought, it kind of makes me think of real bad guys (sexual sadists, pedophiles, arsonists, kleptomaniacs, etc) living with and controlling or acting on their urges. It's definitely changed my perspective on the shapers. Not necessarily for the worse, but they feel much more dynamic on moral and ethical level.
5/22/2015 c13 14Shampoo Suicide
(Return for Nice Girls :D)
I love that, after the beginning, Kit describes his memories of the escape as being like a dream. Because the narration in the early part here has a dreamlike quality to it, so it adds up in that he's all dazed and disoriented and literally everything he could describe to the reader would have that quality probably, not just due to the weirdness of the universe and the situation. Way to enhance mood through narration, haha!
So I feel like you mentioned cutting out a lot of the stylistic stuff, and perhaps that was just earlier on or maybe this is just more emblematic of Kit's narrative voice but I've been getting heavy hits of it in the last few bits. It's still very balanced, though! Definitely not style over substance in the slightest. It adds to the dreamlike quality in some ways that I mentioned earlier. There was a lot of the interesting finagling of verbs in this part, for example, that I know and love from you. It's impossible not to feel insecure about your own writing propensities, I know, but I'd say this is not one you need to worry about! Not for me, anyway, and I am the only reader that matters ever, new rule.
Perhaps, though, it was due to the relative lack of action here that the stylistic touches came through more noticeably. It makes sense to have a more reflective chapter both narration wise and just for pacing, unfortunately they can't all be fights and escapes hah (I mean, that would get boring and unrealistic...funny word to use here but you know what I mean XD).
I enjoyed this chapter. Not on an entertainment level, definitely pleasurable to read just because the writing's good, but what I liked most was getting to be in Kit's head a bit in a new context. There was no big action to distract and he was in a different situation than the earlier chapters so it was good for building more of his story and also for characterization because we got to see how his thoughts reflected his new circumstances. Good move in that sense.
14Shampoo Suicide(Return for Nice Girls :D)
I love that, after the beginning, Kit describes his memories of the escape as being like a dream. Because the narration in the early part here has a dreamlike quality to it, so it adds up in that he's all dazed and disoriented and literally everything he could describe to the reader would have that quality probably, not just due to the weirdness of the universe and the situation. Way to enhance mood through narration, haha!
So I feel like you mentioned cutting out a lot of the stylistic stuff, and perhaps that was just earlier on or maybe this is just more emblematic of Kit's narrative voice but I've been getting heavy hits of it in the last few bits. It's still very balanced, though! Definitely not style over substance in the slightest. It adds to the dreamlike quality in some ways that I mentioned earlier. There was a lot of the interesting finagling of verbs in this part, for example, that I know and love from you. It's impossible not to feel insecure about your own writing propensities, I know, but I'd say this is not one you need to worry about! Not for me, anyway, and I am the only reader that matters ever, new rule.
Perhaps, though, it was due to the relative lack of action here that the stylistic touches came through more noticeably. It makes sense to have a more reflective chapter both narration wise and just for pacing, unfortunately they can't all be fights and escapes hah (I mean, that would get boring and unrealistic...funny word to use here but you know what I mean XD).
I enjoyed this chapter. Not on an entertainment level, definitely pleasurable to read just because the writing's good, but what I liked most was getting to be in Kit's head a bit in a new context. There was no big action to distract and he was in a different situation than the earlier chapters so it was good for building more of his story and also for characterization because we got to see how his thoughts reflected his new circumstances. Good move in that sense.
5/22/2015 c11 4m. b. whitlock
RG Multi-Chapter Depth #674 3 of 3
Enjoyment:
So this was such a fun chapter. I really liked how the different threads of the plot weaved together. You built up the reveal of Jude’s relationship, I guess more like ‘connection’ to Charlotte very well from the beginning of Charlotte’s pov chapters. Even though this was from Charlotte’s pov, I felt like I could see through all three sets of eyes in this one. The shots of Jude reconjuring and relighting the cigarette he shared with Charlotte that one time way back when are very effective, resonant.
Opening/Writing/Techniques/Style:
Like the way this first line flows from the ending of the last chapter:
“My dance is a mosh. Hitting, screaming, tugging, pushing, rolling, running mess.”
Also sets up the backstage/punk show scenes with Jude well.
Really good description here:
“I gasp as I'm yanked, pinned, my already wounded arm slack, my plank of wood clattering.”
You hit multiple senses there. :)
Like the physical, multi-dimensional character of the magic again in this chapter, this bit is a good example:
“I'm knocked in a dragging wave of witch magic braiding into a hex.”
Like how all the witches’ spelling is compared to stitching, sewing, tailoring, the needles and threads:
“Tailored second nature.”
I suppose waxing and waning is like the next level… ;) Cool stuff.
Character:
Really good and gross and scary:
“He drinks, scoops blood with his palms, tears and chews.”
Even though at this point we have seen and heard about lots of horrible scenes, this still seem extreme. Outsized hunger. Unnatural.
Makes sense that Charlotte would do this:
“Somehow I move, even though I know I should cower like the shaper.”
I like this internal splitting with Charlotte. All three characters have this, the self they cannot know.
Foreshadowing:
“I wonder what it's like, reliving memories the way they do.”
Seamless way to transition into memories of the past, have it be chemical, or in this case, blood induced (in part anyway…?).
“Whining feedback from a guitar amplifier. Cable plugged into the wrong frequency. One step. Two.”
This is great how you build up the story behind the Witch Prince in advance, esp Charlotte’s past with him. Really cool flicker/flash back to the show where they shared the cigarette. :)
Drama/Action/Character/Dialogue:
Really good stuff here:
“"J—Jude?" I mouth with only a bare squeak of sound, look twisting in disgusted horror. I jerk away, almost toppling. Choking down a dry rattling gasp.“
Good description of Charlotte’s visceral disbelief.
Lovely imagery, good character:
“The one who picked at all his beer labels until they sprinkled on the floor underneath him backstage.”
There are so many cool character reasons why he would do this – like maybe he doesn’t have money to buy more beer so he plays with the label of the one he’s got, or maybe he doesn’t want to drink a lot cause it will mess up his human cover, or maybe he’s just tactile, OCD, ripping, tearing, tailoring stuff… all cool possibilities.
“"You, I remember! You're Char Nix—Charlotte." He pauses, magic tickling my ear with a rolling hum of noise akin to a bass guitar check.”
Really great splitting/twinning here. Charlotte sees who she was and the evil twin of the pretty shy boy from her old days.
“"Didn't I say she'd remember—what?" His grin melts fast into a scowl. "I wasn't going—I wasn't—listen to me—shut up!””
Great dialogue/character moment. I can hear Jude’s dueling halves arguing.
“I remember one argument after I took a pass on his smoke.”
Like how this was just a little thing, a small insignificant moment for Charlotte but obviously meant a lot more to Jude.
Really like how this whole chapter is about identity, for Jude and Charlotte anyway:
“I grip tighter on my plank.
"I think you're lying," says the witch.”
Like how you repeat this throughout the chapter:
“This Can't Be Happening.”
Backstory/Setting:
Wonderful placement of backstory here:
“Their mother, who everyone called The Wicked Witch, died only a year ago.”
We really care about this information now. It has a lot more impact than if you had brought it out earlier.
“We heard he did things much, much worse.”
Must be the ‘ruined Queen’…?
“"I've read all your works. Even Margott. I—“”
Love how you bring up ‘Margott’ again. I am so interested in this meta-text…!
Ending:
“I miss, but when he reappears his shade's torn—gone. He's no longer clean, no longer an echo of someone I thought I once knew. Someone who Tricked Me. He's only Thing.“
More twinning/splitting, love it.
“I am not this, I am not this, I am not this, I am not this, I am not this…”
Really resonant moment/dialogue for Jude. I am really psyched to get back inside his head now. :)
“I look down, crook it closer—then—I find it healed.”
Nice cliffy to end with!
This is really reading well. Love it. :D
vb,
mbw
4m. b. whitlockRG Multi-Chapter Depth #674 3 of 3
Enjoyment:
So this was such a fun chapter. I really liked how the different threads of the plot weaved together. You built up the reveal of Jude’s relationship, I guess more like ‘connection’ to Charlotte very well from the beginning of Charlotte’s pov chapters. Even though this was from Charlotte’s pov, I felt like I could see through all three sets of eyes in this one. The shots of Jude reconjuring and relighting the cigarette he shared with Charlotte that one time way back when are very effective, resonant.
Opening/Writing/Techniques/Style:
Like the way this first line flows from the ending of the last chapter:
“My dance is a mosh. Hitting, screaming, tugging, pushing, rolling, running mess.”
Also sets up the backstage/punk show scenes with Jude well.
Really good description here:
“I gasp as I'm yanked, pinned, my already wounded arm slack, my plank of wood clattering.”
You hit multiple senses there. :)
Like the physical, multi-dimensional character of the magic again in this chapter, this bit is a good example:
“I'm knocked in a dragging wave of witch magic braiding into a hex.”
Like how all the witches’ spelling is compared to stitching, sewing, tailoring, the needles and threads:
“Tailored second nature.”
I suppose waxing and waning is like the next level… ;) Cool stuff.
Character:
Really good and gross and scary:
“He drinks, scoops blood with his palms, tears and chews.”
Even though at this point we have seen and heard about lots of horrible scenes, this still seem extreme. Outsized hunger. Unnatural.
Makes sense that Charlotte would do this:
“Somehow I move, even though I know I should cower like the shaper.”
I like this internal splitting with Charlotte. All three characters have this, the self they cannot know.
Foreshadowing:
“I wonder what it's like, reliving memories the way they do.”
Seamless way to transition into memories of the past, have it be chemical, or in this case, blood induced (in part anyway…?).
“Whining feedback from a guitar amplifier. Cable plugged into the wrong frequency. One step. Two.”
This is great how you build up the story behind the Witch Prince in advance, esp Charlotte’s past with him. Really cool flicker/flash back to the show where they shared the cigarette. :)
Drama/Action/Character/Dialogue:
Really good stuff here:
“"J—Jude?" I mouth with only a bare squeak of sound, look twisting in disgusted horror. I jerk away, almost toppling. Choking down a dry rattling gasp.“
Good description of Charlotte’s visceral disbelief.
Lovely imagery, good character:
“The one who picked at all his beer labels until they sprinkled on the floor underneath him backstage.”
There are so many cool character reasons why he would do this – like maybe he doesn’t have money to buy more beer so he plays with the label of the one he’s got, or maybe he doesn’t want to drink a lot cause it will mess up his human cover, or maybe he’s just tactile, OCD, ripping, tearing, tailoring stuff… all cool possibilities.
“"You, I remember! You're Char Nix—Charlotte." He pauses, magic tickling my ear with a rolling hum of noise akin to a bass guitar check.”
Really great splitting/twinning here. Charlotte sees who she was and the evil twin of the pretty shy boy from her old days.
“"Didn't I say she'd remember—what?" His grin melts fast into a scowl. "I wasn't going—I wasn't—listen to me—shut up!””
Great dialogue/character moment. I can hear Jude’s dueling halves arguing.
“I remember one argument after I took a pass on his smoke.”
Like how this was just a little thing, a small insignificant moment for Charlotte but obviously meant a lot more to Jude.
Really like how this whole chapter is about identity, for Jude and Charlotte anyway:
“I grip tighter on my plank.
"I think you're lying," says the witch.”
Like how you repeat this throughout the chapter:
“This Can't Be Happening.”
Backstory/Setting:
Wonderful placement of backstory here:
“Their mother, who everyone called The Wicked Witch, died only a year ago.”
We really care about this information now. It has a lot more impact than if you had brought it out earlier.
“We heard he did things much, much worse.”
Must be the ‘ruined Queen’…?
“"I've read all your works. Even Margott. I—“”
Love how you bring up ‘Margott’ again. I am so interested in this meta-text…!
Ending:
“I miss, but when he reappears his shade's torn—gone. He's no longer clean, no longer an echo of someone I thought I once knew. Someone who Tricked Me. He's only Thing.“
More twinning/splitting, love it.
“I am not this, I am not this, I am not this, I am not this, I am not this…”
Really resonant moment/dialogue for Jude. I am really psyched to get back inside his head now. :)
“I look down, crook it closer—then—I find it healed.”
Nice cliffy to end with!
This is really reading well. Love it. :D
vb,
mbw
5/22/2015 c10 m. b. whitlock
RG Multi-Chapter Depth #674 2 of 3
Writing/Techniques/Style (General):
Okay, I really hope you take this only as total PRAISE, there be Buffyness in this chapter. I am of the Church so this is a major compliment. It’s all the kick-*ss stuff Charlotte pulls, her salty quips, etc.. flashes of her stained with ash from staked vamps… Perhaps it’s Achitophel’s perspective of her… :D
Again, love it.
So, you do something quite deftly throughout this chapter that I am often trying to do myself, convey multiple senses with few words. I feel like it’s part of the way you define/distinguish Achitophel. He smells/feels things on a visceral/skin level often without corporeal, direct contact.
Foreshadowing/Character:
“Each stride stabs like I'm driving a stake into each thigh”
Like the fleshy language as well as the bit of foreshadowing there.
“Then hunt us. A new panic jabs alongside the stakes in my stride,”
Stakes again. I suppose lots of people are thinking about stakes often in this world. Makes sense if there are packs of vampires hunting everywhere.
“The hairs on my arms and neck lift and I almost spring into my namesake spurred by instinct. Instinct I thought the witches killed with their rune magics, then drew out of me like a corpse and buried in their jail. Instinct only newly returned, punched alive by primal fear.”
I like how you are using visceral, skin/hair triggers with Achitophel. You still haven’t given us a clear picture of what he looks like, but the hair and stuff is creating an impression. I think keeping his appearance (and Jude’s) nebulous is a good move for this story. With supernatural characters in particular, sticking with hints of their appearance often works well because it maintains mystery.
You did a good job foreshadowing this with lines mentioned above:
“My stride slows. I'm going to die.”
“She collides backwards into me when I turn.”
Little fix you could do here if you like, ‘We collide backwards when I turn.’
Just kind of jumped out at me that one. ;)
Style:
Great rhythm here:
“My muscles loosen, breathe, burn. It snarls but grows dizzy on my blood. I hit. I hit. I hit. Bash its head, struggle to stand.”
I can hear the hits as well as get into Achitophel’s voice.
Character description:
Really like:
“”Eat—a f*cking—d*ck!" she screams.”
Very cool to see/hear/experience Charlotte from Achitiophel’s perspective. She seems so fierce and quick, young and unpredictable. The whole rotation of perspectives throughout the piece is beginning to converge/pay off in this chapter. I feel like I can guess how Charlotte would be seeing/experiencing this, while simultaneously looking forward to reading the next chapter to find out if I’m right.. ;)
“I growl stay away from me, growl one more step and I'll rip your throat out—but my growl doesn't sound right. Sounds human.”
Twinning/splitting here. Like how Achitophel is split from his shaper-totem-self, much like how Jude is split from his magic. This world is so out of balance it seems no individual can maintain equilibrium. Interesting…
I wonder why Achitophel continues to pursue Charlotte:
”I bristle with agitation. Say hoarse: "That's fuck you. Fuck off is zauk gra.””
But then I get it. He’s scared he’s going to die. She might be able to protect him. The witches are scared of her he knows. This is also so cool because Achitophel is a writer. Very cool for him to correct her language.
“”Fucking man-whore sh*tbags, the lot of you.””
I am wondering why the witch-men and Charlotte both call Achitophel a man-whore. Are shapers known for being rapists…?
Again like Achitophel’s description/experience of Charlotte:
“Lean and light. Hair tight-curled blond, skin shaded pale brown, but sickly, freckles and blood-splatter constellations over the bridge of her nose.”
Lets us see her but we know the view is skewed because it’s from Achitophel’s pov. Adds facets, complexity, depth. like it. :)
Little fix here:
“"That right?" she says. “*Go* any avian ink, dipshit?””
Think you mean ‘*Got* any avian ink’ :)
Very cool concepts in there. I suppose avian shapers shape into birds, interesting that they would be the suspected spies. Like it.
Plot/Action:
“"Danger. Circle west." I stay tense, scratching quick behind one ear.”
This brings us back to the earlier Achitophel chapters. This information connects the three pov characters and the three groups we know are contesting for power.
“Shadows move just out of my blurred vision, punch the sound of shrieking and howling through the veil of eerie silence, the calm polite mumbling oroot, oroot.”
Since you have already established Achitophel’s different levels of sensory perception it makes sense that he knows what lies ahead before Charlotte. And you do a good job here getting your readers tensed up for what’s about the spring. The “oroot” sound we’ve heard before as well.
Ending:
Really like this ending cliffy:
“”You want our blood—you want some new trips? Witch pals weren't enough?””
So interesting how Charlotte never gives it up. She’ll have that attitude til her last second alive I bet. ;)
Really like the ref back to Charlotte’s old performing days, back when she could simply be the town rock star girl, instead of it’s last living human.
vb,
mbw
RG Multi-Chapter Depth #674 2 of 3
Writing/Techniques/Style (General):
Okay, I really hope you take this only as total PRAISE, there be Buffyness in this chapter. I am of the Church so this is a major compliment. It’s all the kick-*ss stuff Charlotte pulls, her salty quips, etc.. flashes of her stained with ash from staked vamps… Perhaps it’s Achitophel’s perspective of her… :D
Again, love it.
So, you do something quite deftly throughout this chapter that I am often trying to do myself, convey multiple senses with few words. I feel like it’s part of the way you define/distinguish Achitophel. He smells/feels things on a visceral/skin level often without corporeal, direct contact.
Foreshadowing/Character:
“Each stride stabs like I'm driving a stake into each thigh”
Like the fleshy language as well as the bit of foreshadowing there.
“Then hunt us. A new panic jabs alongside the stakes in my stride,”
Stakes again. I suppose lots of people are thinking about stakes often in this world. Makes sense if there are packs of vampires hunting everywhere.
“The hairs on my arms and neck lift and I almost spring into my namesake spurred by instinct. Instinct I thought the witches killed with their rune magics, then drew out of me like a corpse and buried in their jail. Instinct only newly returned, punched alive by primal fear.”
I like how you are using visceral, skin/hair triggers with Achitophel. You still haven’t given us a clear picture of what he looks like, but the hair and stuff is creating an impression. I think keeping his appearance (and Jude’s) nebulous is a good move for this story. With supernatural characters in particular, sticking with hints of their appearance often works well because it maintains mystery.
You did a good job foreshadowing this with lines mentioned above:
“My stride slows. I'm going to die.”
“She collides backwards into me when I turn.”
Little fix you could do here if you like, ‘We collide backwards when I turn.’
Just kind of jumped out at me that one. ;)
Style:
Great rhythm here:
“My muscles loosen, breathe, burn. It snarls but grows dizzy on my blood. I hit. I hit. I hit. Bash its head, struggle to stand.”
I can hear the hits as well as get into Achitophel’s voice.
Character description:
Really like:
“”Eat—a f*cking—d*ck!" she screams.”
Very cool to see/hear/experience Charlotte from Achitiophel’s perspective. She seems so fierce and quick, young and unpredictable. The whole rotation of perspectives throughout the piece is beginning to converge/pay off in this chapter. I feel like I can guess how Charlotte would be seeing/experiencing this, while simultaneously looking forward to reading the next chapter to find out if I’m right.. ;)
“I growl stay away from me, growl one more step and I'll rip your throat out—but my growl doesn't sound right. Sounds human.”
Twinning/splitting here. Like how Achitophel is split from his shaper-totem-self, much like how Jude is split from his magic. This world is so out of balance it seems no individual can maintain equilibrium. Interesting…
I wonder why Achitophel continues to pursue Charlotte:
”I bristle with agitation. Say hoarse: "That's fuck you. Fuck off is zauk gra.””
But then I get it. He’s scared he’s going to die. She might be able to protect him. The witches are scared of her he knows. This is also so cool because Achitophel is a writer. Very cool for him to correct her language.
“”Fucking man-whore sh*tbags, the lot of you.””
I am wondering why the witch-men and Charlotte both call Achitophel a man-whore. Are shapers known for being rapists…?
Again like Achitophel’s description/experience of Charlotte:
“Lean and light. Hair tight-curled blond, skin shaded pale brown, but sickly, freckles and blood-splatter constellations over the bridge of her nose.”
Lets us see her but we know the view is skewed because it’s from Achitophel’s pov. Adds facets, complexity, depth. like it. :)
Little fix here:
“"That right?" she says. “*Go* any avian ink, dipshit?””
Think you mean ‘*Got* any avian ink’ :)
Very cool concepts in there. I suppose avian shapers shape into birds, interesting that they would be the suspected spies. Like it.
Plot/Action:
“"Danger. Circle west." I stay tense, scratching quick behind one ear.”
This brings us back to the earlier Achitophel chapters. This information connects the three pov characters and the three groups we know are contesting for power.
“Shadows move just out of my blurred vision, punch the sound of shrieking and howling through the veil of eerie silence, the calm polite mumbling oroot, oroot.”
Since you have already established Achitophel’s different levels of sensory perception it makes sense that he knows what lies ahead before Charlotte. And you do a good job here getting your readers tensed up for what’s about the spring. The “oroot” sound we’ve heard before as well.
Ending:
Really like this ending cliffy:
“”You want our blood—you want some new trips? Witch pals weren't enough?””
So interesting how Charlotte never gives it up. She’ll have that attitude til her last second alive I bet. ;)
Really like the ref back to Charlotte’s old performing days, back when she could simply be the town rock star girl, instead of it’s last living human.
vb,
mbw
5/21/2015 c5 deadaccount2019
The capitalization for emphasized sarcasm is a great stylistic choice, aesthetically but also because it just really makes Char's voice pop in the narrative.
Something I really appreciate with Charlotte is that her initial doubt of Patrice's attack is reasonable. She doesn't victim blame or automatically assume guilty-until-proven-innocent, relying instead on evidence and what she *knows* to reach a conclusion. This could even be an indication of trying to hold on to the old ways of the world. I suppose some could say she contributes to rape culture by doubting at first, but honestly I think it adds volumes of depth to her, especially given how crazy the world has become, and I don't think this is something we got to see in HTD. Instead of a just being painted a foul-mouthed, street-smart woman, we get to see that she is intelligent and rational, as well as how she handles guilt (outside of survivor's guilt, which I thought was more predominate in HTD), and that she's willing to change her stance (even if only quietly). Overall, just loads of character depth in the opening scene alone.
The later half of the chapter reminds me a lot of late-season 5 Walking Dead, with regards to Char's hesitance to indulge in Catskill's luxuries. In TWD luxuries have become nice, but after all that they've been through most of them are wary of "nice" things, and it was an unexpected surprise to see it turn up here too. If you ever decided to elaborate more on this, it might be worth looking up stories and psychology of vets who return home from prolonged active duty, as apprehension of luxuries is often a symptom of PTSD.
In terms of the big picture, we don't see anything that connects Char to Kit directly, but you did a great job keeping the chapter relevant to the story's world by delivering bits of information about the shapers and witches. It also makes for a good balance of world building, since we are no longer restricted to Kit's biases, demonstrating that there really isn't a "Good Guy" collective in the world, just individuals who may or may not happen to find each other.
The capitalization for emphasized sarcasm is a great stylistic choice, aesthetically but also because it just really makes Char's voice pop in the narrative.
Something I really appreciate with Charlotte is that her initial doubt of Patrice's attack is reasonable. She doesn't victim blame or automatically assume guilty-until-proven-innocent, relying instead on evidence and what she *knows* to reach a conclusion. This could even be an indication of trying to hold on to the old ways of the world. I suppose some could say she contributes to rape culture by doubting at first, but honestly I think it adds volumes of depth to her, especially given how crazy the world has become, and I don't think this is something we got to see in HTD. Instead of a just being painted a foul-mouthed, street-smart woman, we get to see that she is intelligent and rational, as well as how she handles guilt (outside of survivor's guilt, which I thought was more predominate in HTD), and that she's willing to change her stance (even if only quietly). Overall, just loads of character depth in the opening scene alone.
The later half of the chapter reminds me a lot of late-season 5 Walking Dead, with regards to Char's hesitance to indulge in Catskill's luxuries. In TWD luxuries have become nice, but after all that they've been through most of them are wary of "nice" things, and it was an unexpected surprise to see it turn up here too. If you ever decided to elaborate more on this, it might be worth looking up stories and psychology of vets who return home from prolonged active duty, as apprehension of luxuries is often a symptom of PTSD.
In terms of the big picture, we don't see anything that connects Char to Kit directly, but you did a great job keeping the chapter relevant to the story's world by delivering bits of information about the shapers and witches. It also makes for a good balance of world building, since we are no longer restricted to Kit's biases, demonstrating that there really isn't a "Good Guy" collective in the world, just individuals who may or may not happen to find each other.
5/21/2015 c8 43LuckycoolHawk9
I really like that Charlotte wants to kill herself because it shows that she feels that she doesn't have a reason to live and doesn't care about life which is an interesting character trait. I also loved the ending because it shows how much danger Charlotte is in and how close to death she is which is fascinating. I also like how we meet Jude this chapter because it gives us some insight into how horrible the witches truly are.
43LuckycoolHawk9I really like that Charlotte wants to kill herself because it shows that she feels that she doesn't have a reason to live and doesn't care about life which is an interesting character trait. I also loved the ending because it shows how much danger Charlotte is in and how close to death she is which is fascinating. I also like how we meet Jude this chapter because it gives us some insight into how horrible the witches truly are.
5/20/2015 c9 4m. b. whitlock
RG Multi-Chapter Depth #674 1 of 3
Enjoyment:
I’m going to start off with enjoyment. I really enjoyed this. You are doing a good job distinguishing the voices of your narrator/pov characters. Charlotte sounds way different from Achitophel and Jude is no less distinct. I have to say that so far Charlotte’s chapters are the easiest to read, easiest to immediately get what’s going on, and also fun for her sense of humor (which is easy for me to relate to). Achitophel and Jude are bigger challenges because they are not human. It makes sense that they would speak, and more importantly, think in unfamiliar ways. They still come off as real people though, even if they are strange people to us, they have complex emotions, motivations, histories, etc… I think your decision to cut away to Jude’s history, give us some context for his attack on Nikolai, was a good one. Jude’s present is so dizzying, kinetic, that a break to a more sane, calm time period is a good break that also increases the impact of the last section.
Writing/Techniques/Style (General):
Kinetic moments like this part from near the beginning pulled me into the action of the scene as well as Jude’s consciousness:
“By then I'm already moving but—it whips back, catches, shreds my leg, tries to bolt up into my heart, tries to unwind me. I—stop. The hissing noise I make edges with my magic, winding tight.”
Effective, good style there. Like it lots.
Your language in this section is terrific:
“His magic casts reckless, but with pow pow power, sharp, spinning stars, snapsnapsnap. Razors me bleeding. I snarl, my hex drawing, dripping into my palm.”
I like the tactile quality of the words as well as the audio cues and the searing visuals.
I did get a little lost in a few places but I think the point is to convey Jude’s extreme disorientation, and that you have definitely achieved. By the end of the chapter I’m still not exactly sure everything that has happened to Jude but I am way eager to find out. I also feel like I’m getting to know this person who has been hurt deeply and damaged and though he seems to be quite alien you show us how he suffers and give us pieces of his broken consciousness which makes him sympathetic.
“He's six years older than me and so I believe I'm six-years less loved.”
Like I said above, I really like this transition, good change in tone.
Hmmm… Curious how his eyes are a muddy blue. I’m guessing they are a dark, brownish blue…?:
“He's much taller and has our mother's muddy blue eyes where I have our father’s.”
Very good dialogue here (even though it’s really one person):
“It mumbles what have I done?
So I edge: "What have I done?"
What have you done?
I hiss: "Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!””
You do a great job conveying Jude’s confusion and anger.
Themes/Character/Techniques:
I like how you constructed parallels and inversions throughout this chapter. Lots of couples/opposites/bifurcations. Jude is split himself, split between his witch self and the vampirism taking over his mind and body. He is split and seemingly twinned with his magic also. The way you give magic so many dimensions and in this chapter almost a consciousness, well, a living essence of sorts, is very intriguing and unique.
This part is great where Jude talks to his magic:
“"You are me!" I seethe, stare daggers on Nikolai, I will not let him go. I'm not you. It tries to wriggle, drip apart. "You are me," I order, trembling, willing, pulling it fast as I force a hex, threading my fingers, flicking a draw. I am not this.”
There are lots of cool coupling/splitting going on with Jude’s siblings. He is joined with his older brother in being less than desirable male children. I have a feeling it will turn out that he shares something more than simply parentage with the new child being born as well. I think the ‘tellers’ got the sex wrong with the new baby just like they did with Jude. I’m guessing the new baby is the sister, ‘ruined Queen’. Wonder how/why they say she’s ‘ruined’… Intriguing…
Ending:
Elegant ending, ties seamlessly back to the opening and the title of the chapter:
“You know her. Remember? Run, run, run. Remember? Blood-scent bleeding on the wind. Waxing waxing. Let—me—in.”
I don’t quite get all of what ‘waxing and waning’ mean for Jude but this doesn’t bother me. I think the way that you are gradually revealing more and more about these supernatural characters and their societies and cultures is working. Keeps it suspenseful and freaky. And keeps me engaged and wanting to read more!
vb,
mbw
4m. b. whitlockRG Multi-Chapter Depth #674 1 of 3
Enjoyment:
I’m going to start off with enjoyment. I really enjoyed this. You are doing a good job distinguishing the voices of your narrator/pov characters. Charlotte sounds way different from Achitophel and Jude is no less distinct. I have to say that so far Charlotte’s chapters are the easiest to read, easiest to immediately get what’s going on, and also fun for her sense of humor (which is easy for me to relate to). Achitophel and Jude are bigger challenges because they are not human. It makes sense that they would speak, and more importantly, think in unfamiliar ways. They still come off as real people though, even if they are strange people to us, they have complex emotions, motivations, histories, etc… I think your decision to cut away to Jude’s history, give us some context for his attack on Nikolai, was a good one. Jude’s present is so dizzying, kinetic, that a break to a more sane, calm time period is a good break that also increases the impact of the last section.
Writing/Techniques/Style (General):
Kinetic moments like this part from near the beginning pulled me into the action of the scene as well as Jude’s consciousness:
“By then I'm already moving but—it whips back, catches, shreds my leg, tries to bolt up into my heart, tries to unwind me. I—stop. The hissing noise I make edges with my magic, winding tight.”
Effective, good style there. Like it lots.
Your language in this section is terrific:
“His magic casts reckless, but with pow pow power, sharp, spinning stars, snapsnapsnap. Razors me bleeding. I snarl, my hex drawing, dripping into my palm.”
I like the tactile quality of the words as well as the audio cues and the searing visuals.
I did get a little lost in a few places but I think the point is to convey Jude’s extreme disorientation, and that you have definitely achieved. By the end of the chapter I’m still not exactly sure everything that has happened to Jude but I am way eager to find out. I also feel like I’m getting to know this person who has been hurt deeply and damaged and though he seems to be quite alien you show us how he suffers and give us pieces of his broken consciousness which makes him sympathetic.
“He's six years older than me and so I believe I'm six-years less loved.”
Like I said above, I really like this transition, good change in tone.
Hmmm… Curious how his eyes are a muddy blue. I’m guessing they are a dark, brownish blue…?:
“He's much taller and has our mother's muddy blue eyes where I have our father’s.”
Very good dialogue here (even though it’s really one person):
“It mumbles what have I done?
So I edge: "What have I done?"
What have you done?
I hiss: "Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!””
You do a great job conveying Jude’s confusion and anger.
Themes/Character/Techniques:
I like how you constructed parallels and inversions throughout this chapter. Lots of couples/opposites/bifurcations. Jude is split himself, split between his witch self and the vampirism taking over his mind and body. He is split and seemingly twinned with his magic also. The way you give magic so many dimensions and in this chapter almost a consciousness, well, a living essence of sorts, is very intriguing and unique.
This part is great where Jude talks to his magic:
“"You are me!" I seethe, stare daggers on Nikolai, I will not let him go. I'm not you. It tries to wriggle, drip apart. "You are me," I order, trembling, willing, pulling it fast as I force a hex, threading my fingers, flicking a draw. I am not this.”
There are lots of cool coupling/splitting going on with Jude’s siblings. He is joined with his older brother in being less than desirable male children. I have a feeling it will turn out that he shares something more than simply parentage with the new child being born as well. I think the ‘tellers’ got the sex wrong with the new baby just like they did with Jude. I’m guessing the new baby is the sister, ‘ruined Queen’. Wonder how/why they say she’s ‘ruined’… Intriguing…
Ending:
Elegant ending, ties seamlessly back to the opening and the title of the chapter:
“You know her. Remember? Run, run, run. Remember? Blood-scent bleeding on the wind. Waxing waxing. Let—me—in.”
I don’t quite get all of what ‘waxing and waning’ mean for Jude but this doesn’t bother me. I think the way that you are gradually revealing more and more about these supernatural characters and their societies and cultures is working. Keeps it suspenseful and freaky. And keeps me engaged and wanting to read more!
vb,
mbw
5/20/2015 c8 13alltheeagles
For the RG EF
I've only just realised it: the humans have some kind of plan, right? With the caches and Charlotte headed for a specific place and the talk of Good Guys. Has it been described yet? If so, I guess it didn't make that great an impression on me. If there isn't a plan after all, then I sure am badly misreading this, huh?
I'm also getting a hint that it is meeting Charlotte that has made Jude sane again. If that's the case, I like this idea. I've liked it from the start because it's slightly goofy but also terribly logical and I like that kind of thing.
Maybe it's just the way I read but the chronology hasn't been all that clear to me cause I was paying more attention to Charlotte's reminiscence about her past rather than whatever information she was giving about the war. I didn't pay attention to it either in Kit's chapters.
So anyway, for the fighting ability, I agree that Charlotte could get fit by herself in the timeframe presented but I maintain that she'd have needed somebody with a military background to train her properly without her taking off some toes and fingers or accidentally shooting herself or her friends. I mean, if all the 'training' she gets is in actual fights, who taught her the techniques of knife-throwing and when did she do target practice and how'd she learn how to take apart/load/maintain guns? It's not a very big plot loophole, but I guess you could write in some episodes to explain it?
Language:
they have A whole royal family
13alltheeaglesFor the RG EF
I've only just realised it: the humans have some kind of plan, right? With the caches and Charlotte headed for a specific place and the talk of Good Guys. Has it been described yet? If so, I guess it didn't make that great an impression on me. If there isn't a plan after all, then I sure am badly misreading this, huh?
I'm also getting a hint that it is meeting Charlotte that has made Jude sane again. If that's the case, I like this idea. I've liked it from the start because it's slightly goofy but also terribly logical and I like that kind of thing.
Maybe it's just the way I read but the chronology hasn't been all that clear to me cause I was paying more attention to Charlotte's reminiscence about her past rather than whatever information she was giving about the war. I didn't pay attention to it either in Kit's chapters.
So anyway, for the fighting ability, I agree that Charlotte could get fit by herself in the timeframe presented but I maintain that she'd have needed somebody with a military background to train her properly without her taking off some toes and fingers or accidentally shooting herself or her friends. I mean, if all the 'training' she gets is in actual fights, who taught her the techniques of knife-throwing and when did she do target practice and how'd she learn how to take apart/load/maintain guns? It's not a very big plot loophole, but I guess you could write in some episodes to explain it?
Language:
they have A whole royal family
5/20/2015 c12 14Shampoo Suicide
I adore the "I can make it" paragraph to bits. I love repetition done right and when a cool stylistic choice like that has a purpose and elevates the narration at the same time. It's exciting as both a reader and a writer, haha, if that makes sense. Like, when you see something handled in such a great way in a book or story that makes you go "Yessss, I wanna write like that." I wanna write like that, is what I'm saying.
The language stuff I mentioned before seems very heavy in this chapter, like more than before. Maybe I'm just looking out for it more now that I'm all sucked in, I don't know, but I love to see that flair (haha, I really hate that word I don't know why I keep using it). In this chapter it really helped create the panicked mood and agony Kit has without explicitly saying these things or having to find a billion ways to reword the feeling. I really admire that.
Is there a word for, like, the use of verbs in cool ways? Haha, like in the previous chapter where you said braided and here where you say he snags on his stare. That's one of the qualities I've always liked a lot in your writing, and one of those fun writer things that makes you go YES THAT SENTENCE YES.
Jude intrigues even when he's being revealed through another POV, and I like that about him. So it's a neat choice to have him characterized this way and not through his direct POV too much. I notice the cicadas came up again and I'm curious about it. He's so full of ~*~secrets~*~ heh.
Good technique on the ending too! The short lines broken into one line paragraphs. It really adds to the tension of it somehow. This whole chapter was like fun writing tricks, I kind of love it for that haha.
14Shampoo SuicideI adore the "I can make it" paragraph to bits. I love repetition done right and when a cool stylistic choice like that has a purpose and elevates the narration at the same time. It's exciting as both a reader and a writer, haha, if that makes sense. Like, when you see something handled in such a great way in a book or story that makes you go "Yessss, I wanna write like that." I wanna write like that, is what I'm saying.
The language stuff I mentioned before seems very heavy in this chapter, like more than before. Maybe I'm just looking out for it more now that I'm all sucked in, I don't know, but I love to see that flair (haha, I really hate that word I don't know why I keep using it). In this chapter it really helped create the panicked mood and agony Kit has without explicitly saying these things or having to find a billion ways to reword the feeling. I really admire that.
Is there a word for, like, the use of verbs in cool ways? Haha, like in the previous chapter where you said braided and here where you say he snags on his stare. That's one of the qualities I've always liked a lot in your writing, and one of those fun writer things that makes you go YES THAT SENTENCE YES.
Jude intrigues even when he's being revealed through another POV, and I like that about him. So it's a neat choice to have him characterized this way and not through his direct POV too much. I notice the cicadas came up again and I'm curious about it. He's so full of ~*~secrets~*~ heh.
Good technique on the ending too! The short lines broken into one line paragraphs. It really adds to the tension of it somehow. This whole chapter was like fun writing tricks, I kind of love it for that haha.
5/20/2015 c11 Shampoo Suicide
Very great opening line, and I love that it echoed the line she cried out in Kit's section. Made for a cool transition. Interesting that the POV shifts here again, I'd been expecting that you had some sort of pattern to POV switching but I think now that the story is off and running it could be kind of fun to head jump more randomly or frequently. Intriguing choice!
I've not gushed as much about your language reviewing this as I have in some of your other stuff, so I'm overdue. What's neat is that it's honestly a bit stripped down for what I usually expect (expect sounds like, criticism, when it's not haha) from you but it's still so got your flair. It's made it easier to get into the plot in some respects, but the "you" stylistic touches keep everything fresh and vivid and get your all swept up haha. I love it. Things like "blackout panic of my desperate steps" and saying a hex braided and really I could pick out a dozen more that are just such great turns of phrase.
Love the continued punk rock/rockstar parallels from Char. The beginning, with the mosh metaphor was great. I love the use of her rocker backstory so much, as you're aware, so it's doubly awesome that it provides her and Jude with a history! I'm, like, falling in love with this the more I think about it haha. This shit is fantastic (cool concrit, Nads). And what she reveals gives Jude depth and intrigue in such a great way, like I have to know how he was able to evade detection and it's cool to find out he was once pretty punk rock boy (which is the best boy, btw) and not so broken. It makes them similar in a way.
And, more on Char, I really like that she's got this obvious fear and anticipation of death at the same time. It's really an interesting trait that she won't go down without a fight but fully expects to die most of the time anyway. I love that a lot. And at the end, when he heals her, it's like a good encapsulation of that combined with her hatred of these other beings.
Very great opening line, and I love that it echoed the line she cried out in Kit's section. Made for a cool transition. Interesting that the POV shifts here again, I'd been expecting that you had some sort of pattern to POV switching but I think now that the story is off and running it could be kind of fun to head jump more randomly or frequently. Intriguing choice!
I've not gushed as much about your language reviewing this as I have in some of your other stuff, so I'm overdue. What's neat is that it's honestly a bit stripped down for what I usually expect (expect sounds like, criticism, when it's not haha) from you but it's still so got your flair. It's made it easier to get into the plot in some respects, but the "you" stylistic touches keep everything fresh and vivid and get your all swept up haha. I love it. Things like "blackout panic of my desperate steps" and saying a hex braided and really I could pick out a dozen more that are just such great turns of phrase.
Love the continued punk rock/rockstar parallels from Char. The beginning, with the mosh metaphor was great. I love the use of her rocker backstory so much, as you're aware, so it's doubly awesome that it provides her and Jude with a history! I'm, like, falling in love with this the more I think about it haha. This shit is fantastic (cool concrit, Nads). And what she reveals gives Jude depth and intrigue in such a great way, like I have to know how he was able to evade detection and it's cool to find out he was once pretty punk rock boy (which is the best boy, btw) and not so broken. It makes them similar in a way.
And, more on Char, I really like that she's got this obvious fear and anticipation of death at the same time. It's really an interesting trait that she won't go down without a fight but fully expects to die most of the time anyway. I love that a lot. And at the end, when he heals her, it's like a good encapsulation of that combined with her hatred of these other beings.
5/19/2015 c7 13alltheeagles
Rule 10 make-up review
The capitalization is quite annoying. Used sparingly, it can be cute (though I don't think you want Cute Charlotte) but in such concentrated amounts, it makes Charlotte come across as having an inflated sense of her own importance. Oh well, I guess that helps to set her narrating voice apart from the other four.
On the one hand, I applaud Charlotte for her action hero exploits, but on the other I wonder when she learned all that if for the most part of her life (and she isn't apparently very old) she was just a kid in a rock band like she says. Learning on the job? Maybe, but I'm sticking to systematic, consistent training for that kind of knife-throwing, sharp-shooting ability. You don't get that level of skill from playing MMORPGs.
13alltheeaglesRule 10 make-up review
The capitalization is quite annoying. Used sparingly, it can be cute (though I don't think you want Cute Charlotte) but in such concentrated amounts, it makes Charlotte come across as having an inflated sense of her own importance. Oh well, I guess that helps to set her narrating voice apart from the other four.
On the one hand, I applaud Charlotte for her action hero exploits, but on the other I wonder when she learned all that if for the most part of her life (and she isn't apparently very old) she was just a kid in a rock band like she says. Learning on the job? Maybe, but I'm sticking to systematic, consistent training for that kind of knife-throwing, sharp-shooting ability. You don't get that level of skill from playing MMORPGs.
5/19/2015 c6 alltheeagles
RG EF review
Ok, I see that the rock&roll is still there. With that kind of woman-power-we're-in-this-together backstory, she'd be one bitter suspicious girl for sure. However, I like that you didn't make it a sexual relationship as well, cause that'd sound too much like a stereotypical man-hating lesbian theme.
I find the shapers' attack rather disturbing because it's implied that they're hunting the girls for food. I thought it was only the vampires that ate people, but well, I guess if shapers eat people too then no wonder the human population is so badly decimated. On the other hand, serves us right for preying on every other species and driving them into extinction.
Language:
There's something wrong in this bit that goes ...travelled through a threw up...
Because YOU'RE not
RG EF review
Ok, I see that the rock&roll is still there. With that kind of woman-power-we're-in-this-together backstory, she'd be one bitter suspicious girl for sure. However, I like that you didn't make it a sexual relationship as well, cause that'd sound too much like a stereotypical man-hating lesbian theme.
I find the shapers' attack rather disturbing because it's implied that they're hunting the girls for food. I thought it was only the vampires that ate people, but well, I guess if shapers eat people too then no wonder the human population is so badly decimated. On the other hand, serves us right for preying on every other species and driving them into extinction.
Language:
There's something wrong in this bit that goes ...travelled through a threw up...
Because YOU'RE not