for Dead Craft5/19/2015 c4 deadaccount2019
Initial opening reaction: Grins. Has Char been being a pain in the ass? :D
All joking aside though, the introduction of a third party here was well-timed without being blatant about who it is. A sort of transition technique that helps ease the reader out of Kit's bubble of who he is and what's happening to what has yet to come.
I really like how we're seeing Kit's state of mind evolve here. It's very much like the evolution of some who considers/attempts suicide after a trauma. He's moved beyond that first wish for death and now seems to be getting more perspective, which does a great job building to an almost epiphany without feeling angsty or contrived. Essentially it's an organic development in his thought process.
The way Kit describes magic makes me think of shadowy, ethereal gossamer tapestries being unwoven by the witches. I really like that the descriptions offer enough to give the reader a grasp of your vision, withou preventing the reader from filling in the blanks. It makes the magic aspect a lot more visual than I usually find in urban fantasy and overall just fun to read.
It seems for a moment the narrative slips slightly into Jude's voice just after Kit is doused. I'm not sure whether this was intentional or not, but Jude's always seemed like a pretty willful guy so it makes for a super creepy moment to think that Kit might be touched by that madness.
Ooh! So Jude's magic can be heard by others, and seems to be a conscious entity of it's own! I don't recall this being in HTD, but it adds more of creepy Jude-ness to the rest of the story and actually has me wondering about his role in the big picture, as he's always been a bit enigmatic compared to the rest of the characters.
Kit describing his eyes fluttering added a bit of a damsel-in-distress feel, which from an insider perspective is kind of funny because it reminds me of what you said in OT about trolling readers with warnings and watching them assume Kit and Jude are the reason. With that humor aside though, in my experience flutter is perceived as a feminine word, so to see a male character, particularly a straight one, utilize it so easily was really refreshing.
Initial opening reaction: Grins. Has Char been being a pain in the ass? :D
All joking aside though, the introduction of a third party here was well-timed without being blatant about who it is. A sort of transition technique that helps ease the reader out of Kit's bubble of who he is and what's happening to what has yet to come.
I really like how we're seeing Kit's state of mind evolve here. It's very much like the evolution of some who considers/attempts suicide after a trauma. He's moved beyond that first wish for death and now seems to be getting more perspective, which does a great job building to an almost epiphany without feeling angsty or contrived. Essentially it's an organic development in his thought process.
The way Kit describes magic makes me think of shadowy, ethereal gossamer tapestries being unwoven by the witches. I really like that the descriptions offer enough to give the reader a grasp of your vision, withou preventing the reader from filling in the blanks. It makes the magic aspect a lot more visual than I usually find in urban fantasy and overall just fun to read.
It seems for a moment the narrative slips slightly into Jude's voice just after Kit is doused. I'm not sure whether this was intentional or not, but Jude's always seemed like a pretty willful guy so it makes for a super creepy moment to think that Kit might be touched by that madness.
Ooh! So Jude's magic can be heard by others, and seems to be a conscious entity of it's own! I don't recall this being in HTD, but it adds more of creepy Jude-ness to the rest of the story and actually has me wondering about his role in the big picture, as he's always been a bit enigmatic compared to the rest of the characters.
Kit describing his eyes fluttering added a bit of a damsel-in-distress feel, which from an insider perspective is kind of funny because it reminds me of what you said in OT about trolling readers with warnings and watching them assume Kit and Jude are the reason. With that humor aside though, in my experience flutter is perceived as a feminine word, so to see a male character, particularly a straight one, utilize it so easily was really refreshing.
5/19/2015 c3 deadaccount2019
Belated review return!
So I have a question regarding shaper language: How are "Mai" and "brij" pronounced? Like, I read it as "My" and "Breezh", but I just want to be sure. :D Pronunciation aside, I really liked seeing this element introduced, and how you translated it. The dream was definitely a good way to go about it, since Kit doesn't seem like the type to use his own language to piss off his captors (which isn't a complaint; it ties in well with his mild cowardice). I think you had mentioned some concern before about the story's world feeling too much like a specific real locale, so adding the fictional language helps make the world your own.
I'm curious as to whether or not Margott's book will play into the plot. It's strange that in a pile of spell books that would be the only non-spell book, which suggests that the witches at some point got close to her. I doubt she's in any immediate danger at this point (seems like something Nikky and them would have made a fuss about, even if they were unaware of Kit's connection to her), but it definitely makes me wonder if Kit realizes the implication of them having her book, and whether or not this will drive him more instead of Char kicking his ass all the way down the road.
Kit's totem traits seem to be a bigger part of his characterization. Granted it's in little things such as him howling when he wakes from the nightmare, but it's a subtle thing that keeps his otherness in the back of the reader's mind.
On a last note, ooh, last meal gift! Is Kit finally going to meet Jude? :D We shall see!
Belated review return!
So I have a question regarding shaper language: How are "Mai" and "brij" pronounced? Like, I read it as "My" and "Breezh", but I just want to be sure. :D Pronunciation aside, I really liked seeing this element introduced, and how you translated it. The dream was definitely a good way to go about it, since Kit doesn't seem like the type to use his own language to piss off his captors (which isn't a complaint; it ties in well with his mild cowardice). I think you had mentioned some concern before about the story's world feeling too much like a specific real locale, so adding the fictional language helps make the world your own.
I'm curious as to whether or not Margott's book will play into the plot. It's strange that in a pile of spell books that would be the only non-spell book, which suggests that the witches at some point got close to her. I doubt she's in any immediate danger at this point (seems like something Nikky and them would have made a fuss about, even if they were unaware of Kit's connection to her), but it definitely makes me wonder if Kit realizes the implication of them having her book, and whether or not this will drive him more instead of Char kicking his ass all the way down the road.
Kit's totem traits seem to be a bigger part of his characterization. Granted it's in little things such as him howling when he wakes from the nightmare, but it's a subtle thing that keeps his otherness in the back of the reader's mind.
On a last note, ooh, last meal gift! Is Kit finally going to meet Jude? :D We shall see!
5/18/2015 c2 
90Timbo Slice
I think this chapter does a better job of establishing not only some backstory to the events taking place but also gives us a glimpse into the society happening around the characters, such as humans being subjugated in a sort of caste system. You really make a great attempt to seperate the various beings (shapers, witches, vampires) into their own likenesses, especially the subtle way you write in the physical descriptions like the vampires "writhing and fluttering".
Your vivid use of magic is still a strong point, with some very unique descriptions that really adds to the immersion of the world you've built as well.
90Timbo SliceI think this chapter does a better job of establishing not only some backstory to the events taking place but also gives us a glimpse into the society happening around the characters, such as humans being subjugated in a sort of caste system. You really make a great attempt to seperate the various beings (shapers, witches, vampires) into their own likenesses, especially the subtle way you write in the physical descriptions like the vampires "writhing and fluttering".
Your vivid use of magic is still a strong point, with some very unique descriptions that really adds to the immersion of the world you've built as well.
5/18/2015 c10 14Shampoo Suicide
HA, see. I love that I brought up the mental illness stuff and then Kit comes swooping in to make it super clear. This is a good thing, this new structure haha. I'm glad he was able to affirm things for me and also to dip into a clearer head again anyway. And I'm so excited everyone's starting to come together now, this is about to get even crazier and I'm thrilled.
Poor Kit, though. Realizing Char is afraid of him, haha. This was another good grounding Chapter for revealing character details about both Char and Kit, so that was nice. I will say, appearance description wise, saying pale brown and then sickly pallor seems redundant almost? I know it's not totally and I get what you meant, but maybe finding someway to say he could tell she was once tanned and now has a sickly pallor would get the image across clearer.
I like the descriptive detail overall in this though, for your characteristic imaginative phrasings. I love d blood splatter constellation and his description of Jude's magic returning the most. Great dialogue in this bit too, it was something I wasn't aware I had been missing from your previous chapters until it returned to me haha. I snorted when she said eat a fucking dick.
This whole thing felt movie scene like in a great way. This is a terrible place for my review spree to stop honestly, haha. But it was definitely a fun read and I do love that I got to read all the POV sandwiched together again in this go round because, while it was still enjoyable, it definitely reaffirms my belief that the larger POV chunks is the way to go. (3/3)
14Shampoo SuicideHA, see. I love that I brought up the mental illness stuff and then Kit comes swooping in to make it super clear. This is a good thing, this new structure haha. I'm glad he was able to affirm things for me and also to dip into a clearer head again anyway. And I'm so excited everyone's starting to come together now, this is about to get even crazier and I'm thrilled.
Poor Kit, though. Realizing Char is afraid of him, haha. This was another good grounding Chapter for revealing character details about both Char and Kit, so that was nice. I will say, appearance description wise, saying pale brown and then sickly pallor seems redundant almost? I know it's not totally and I get what you meant, but maybe finding someway to say he could tell she was once tanned and now has a sickly pallor would get the image across clearer.
I like the descriptive detail overall in this though, for your characteristic imaginative phrasings. I love d blood splatter constellation and his description of Jude's magic returning the most. Great dialogue in this bit too, it was something I wasn't aware I had been missing from your previous chapters until it returned to me haha. I snorted when she said eat a fucking dick.
This whole thing felt movie scene like in a great way. This is a terrible place for my review spree to stop honestly, haha. But it was definitely a fun read and I do love that I got to read all the POV sandwiched together again in this go round because, while it was still enjoyable, it definitely reaffirms my belief that the larger POV chunks is the way to go. (3/3)
5/18/2015 c9 Shampoo Suicide
THIS is exactly what I expected and still better somehow haha. I do think it helps tremendously that I've experienced Jude narration before, but it's also, again, been great to have the more grounded stuff come previously. And I love the disoriented feeling that comes anyway, even understanding more of what's going on than I did in HTD. It's a purposeful effect on the writing that I totally like get and commend now haha. Not that I didn't before!
I love the technique of having his magic speak to him this way. And it really drives home what's been addressed previously with the other narrators about his separation from his magic. And of course his unhinged Burroughs-esque stream of consciousness makes it clear just how powerful an effect this torture has had on him.
Very interesting, and probably wise, choice to have Jude only once each round haha. Not that I didn't like this narration style! But it's admittedly less helpful for moving the plot forward for the reader. Still good stuff, fun and challenging to read yet still easy to get sucked into, and still containing useful information. I like that it keeps him somewhat detached from it too, if that makes sense, or keeps the reader detached from him is probably a better way to put it. We get to puzzle him out with Char and Kit. Nice work.
It was interesting too that his rumination on the past felt clearer narration wise. I wonder if it grounds him somehow, to think back on those things? A time before he was completely lost? I like that, I don't know. It feels like mental illness made fantastical and that's a really cool thing, the mentions of his magic whispering for example. Schizophrenia parallels. Very cool. (2/3)
THIS is exactly what I expected and still better somehow haha. I do think it helps tremendously that I've experienced Jude narration before, but it's also, again, been great to have the more grounded stuff come previously. And I love the disoriented feeling that comes anyway, even understanding more of what's going on than I did in HTD. It's a purposeful effect on the writing that I totally like get and commend now haha. Not that I didn't before!
I love the technique of having his magic speak to him this way. And it really drives home what's been addressed previously with the other narrators about his separation from his magic. And of course his unhinged Burroughs-esque stream of consciousness makes it clear just how powerful an effect this torture has had on him.
Very interesting, and probably wise, choice to have Jude only once each round haha. Not that I didn't like this narration style! But it's admittedly less helpful for moving the plot forward for the reader. Still good stuff, fun and challenging to read yet still easy to get sucked into, and still containing useful information. I like that it keeps him somewhat detached from it too, if that makes sense, or keeps the reader detached from him is probably a better way to put it. We get to puzzle him out with Char and Kit. Nice work.
It was interesting too that his rumination on the past felt clearer narration wise. I wonder if it grounds him somehow, to think back on those things? A time before he was completely lost? I like that, I don't know. It feels like mental illness made fantastical and that's a really cool thing, the mentions of his magic whispering for example. Schizophrenia parallels. Very cool. (2/3)
5/18/2015 c8 Shampoo Suicide
Really love the opening here. The first two lines were very cutting and well written, I like the idea of expressing her headache that way. Very original and very you. The whole part was very good for establishing what's happened and all, giving a sense of how badly she was hurt. Love your continued use of irregular capitalization too.
I loved the description you used to convey the grime she was covered in, it's well written and good imagery wise and also for picturing the state of the cell better. Very cleverly done, I'd say! We know it's gross and in disrepair from how icky it made her to be tossed in there. I love the memory it evoked of her more carefree times too, especially considering more carefree still had her end up in the same place. Nice. "Ghost of our drunk giggling" I have to highlight as a line I particularly liked. You write a lot of brain wormy lines for me, the things you read and turn over in your head because they sound good haha.
I really like Char's POV, again, because of how clear she can describe what's happening in comparison to the other narrators. Like, learning more about how the witches function for example. I think Kit's exposition is good too, though, and maybe serves better for the more magical side of things i that makes sense.
Okay. Brilliant here, bringing them together like this. Especially with the change of POV coming up, I love that it happens here. This is such fantastic stuff, I'm being so unhelpful. Hopefully my stupid here's what I love reactions can help in some way, though, haha. But this was a great intro to Jude and again love that Char is the one introducing me because it's a very clear picture for me. Granted, I know he's appeared already but I meant more so we've seen Kit with the magic side of Jude explained a little more and now Char making things even more clear? And now he's coming up next? I'm ready to dive in haha. (1/3)
Really love the opening here. The first two lines were very cutting and well written, I like the idea of expressing her headache that way. Very original and very you. The whole part was very good for establishing what's happened and all, giving a sense of how badly she was hurt. Love your continued use of irregular capitalization too.
I loved the description you used to convey the grime she was covered in, it's well written and good imagery wise and also for picturing the state of the cell better. Very cleverly done, I'd say! We know it's gross and in disrepair from how icky it made her to be tossed in there. I love the memory it evoked of her more carefree times too, especially considering more carefree still had her end up in the same place. Nice. "Ghost of our drunk giggling" I have to highlight as a line I particularly liked. You write a lot of brain wormy lines for me, the things you read and turn over in your head because they sound good haha.
I really like Char's POV, again, because of how clear she can describe what's happening in comparison to the other narrators. Like, learning more about how the witches function for example. I think Kit's exposition is good too, though, and maybe serves better for the more magical side of things i that makes sense.
Okay. Brilliant here, bringing them together like this. Especially with the change of POV coming up, I love that it happens here. This is such fantastic stuff, I'm being so unhelpful. Hopefully my stupid here's what I love reactions can help in some way, though, haha. But this was a great intro to Jude and again love that Char is the one introducing me because it's a very clear picture for me. Granted, I know he's appeared already but I meant more so we've seen Kit with the magic side of Jude explained a little more and now Char making things even more clear? And now he's coming up next? I'm ready to dive in haha. (1/3)
5/18/2015 c5 4pumadelic
I enjoyed the change of voice here: salty, spiky and a woman to boot. Starting with a castration certainly grabs attention and I like the black humour 'Every Dick Counts' . It's also good to get some inkling to how the humans are faring in your worldscape: none too well, obviously as the references to the scarcity of showers and the need to avoid inbreeding show.
Both Patrice and Charlotte are clearly gutsy characters who we can sympathise to an extent. Catskill has a Wild West frontier ring and you've meshed these with Armageddon. The irony in calling the humans 'Good Guys' for torturing witches and attempting to beat down magic with colonial christianity is great. For me it adds an element of cultural realism to your story.
It has some good description - Patrice's bruised face - and carries you along with the quickened, but not frenetic pace.
Will enjoy following these characters further along their adventures.
4pumadelicI enjoyed the change of voice here: salty, spiky and a woman to boot. Starting with a castration certainly grabs attention and I like the black humour 'Every Dick Counts' . It's also good to get some inkling to how the humans are faring in your worldscape: none too well, obviously as the references to the scarcity of showers and the need to avoid inbreeding show.
Both Patrice and Charlotte are clearly gutsy characters who we can sympathise to an extent. Catskill has a Wild West frontier ring and you've meshed these with Armageddon. The irony in calling the humans 'Good Guys' for torturing witches and attempting to beat down magic with colonial christianity is great. For me it adds an element of cultural realism to your story.
It has some good description - Patrice's bruised face - and carries you along with the quickened, but not frenetic pace.
Will enjoy following these characters further along their adventures.
5/18/2015 c1 Understanding Hell
I liked the opening of this story because of how you immediately throw in some terms (hex, shaping, witch, magic) that make it clear we’re dealing with a supernatural/fantasy setting. You get to the good stuff immediately, essentially, which definitely helps draw readers like myself in right from the start. I also particularly liked the first sentence, specifically the latter half of it. The ‘nettles’ bit just adds something for me knowing Kit is an animal shape-shifter. I feel like if it was me in Kit’s shoes, I would have chosen a less natural comparison, like ‘being stabbed’ or something like that. Something more human, more man-made, I guess. I’m not exactly sure why, but it feels like the perfect comparison for somebody who spends a lot of time as an animal. Sort of reinforces the idea that your viewpoint character isn’t human. I liked it.
Your description throughout is pretty spot on. Very vivid, despite the relatively low word count. Too many people seem to think more words equals better writing. You do a good job giving us a very clear picture without spending three paragraphs of flowery bullshit on every little thing. I can picture Kit’s capture, can feel his pain and fear when he realises what’s going on and still instinctively tries to shape anyways.
As an aside, I like how you portray magic. I’ve always been drawn to/preferred stories where magic is like a force that just acts, as opposed to something that needs to be shaped with words. Spells. I’m not opposed to that, especially since it’s basically the accepted method at this point, but I prefer how you do it. I don’t know that you won’t have that later on, but for right now, really dig your magic portrayal.
Character-wise, Kit is clearly already very developed. I think it all ties into your description. The combination of solid description and a character you’ve been writing for years really makes all the little facets of how Kit feels, how he thinks, how he sees his surroundings pop out. His self-awareness in regards to what and who he is. His own voice is very distinct, with some interesting word choices. Poetic, I would say. Fitting. I’ve read earlier versions of this, so yeah, fitting.
The closing was good. You really felt Kit’s pain, his helplessness. The introduction of the vampires was well-placed. Another aspect to entice readers to keep going. Vampires are hot these days. They’re what the people want, and leaving questions of how they were jailed and why only adds to the appeal. And the tease of something worse below. Solid hook.
Overall, this chapter does what a good first chapter should. Introduce some stuff and characters without overwhelming new, unfamiliar readers, and drop enough teases and intrigue to make them want to stick around for the next chapter. I feel like you did that. Leaving Nik unnamed for now was a good choice, I believe. It fits within the first-person narrative, and puts the majority of the focus on your viewpoint character. Which is what you want in a first chapter.
One small thing I picked out:
“I’m lead down a narrow corridor…”
Not sure if you mean ‘led’ or if you mean he’s at the front of the group. The former makes more sense, but with your writing style, I could see the latter. Just a bit of confusion there.
I liked the opening of this story because of how you immediately throw in some terms (hex, shaping, witch, magic) that make it clear we’re dealing with a supernatural/fantasy setting. You get to the good stuff immediately, essentially, which definitely helps draw readers like myself in right from the start. I also particularly liked the first sentence, specifically the latter half of it. The ‘nettles’ bit just adds something for me knowing Kit is an animal shape-shifter. I feel like if it was me in Kit’s shoes, I would have chosen a less natural comparison, like ‘being stabbed’ or something like that. Something more human, more man-made, I guess. I’m not exactly sure why, but it feels like the perfect comparison for somebody who spends a lot of time as an animal. Sort of reinforces the idea that your viewpoint character isn’t human. I liked it.
Your description throughout is pretty spot on. Very vivid, despite the relatively low word count. Too many people seem to think more words equals better writing. You do a good job giving us a very clear picture without spending three paragraphs of flowery bullshit on every little thing. I can picture Kit’s capture, can feel his pain and fear when he realises what’s going on and still instinctively tries to shape anyways.
As an aside, I like how you portray magic. I’ve always been drawn to/preferred stories where magic is like a force that just acts, as opposed to something that needs to be shaped with words. Spells. I’m not opposed to that, especially since it’s basically the accepted method at this point, but I prefer how you do it. I don’t know that you won’t have that later on, but for right now, really dig your magic portrayal.
Character-wise, Kit is clearly already very developed. I think it all ties into your description. The combination of solid description and a character you’ve been writing for years really makes all the little facets of how Kit feels, how he thinks, how he sees his surroundings pop out. His self-awareness in regards to what and who he is. His own voice is very distinct, with some interesting word choices. Poetic, I would say. Fitting. I’ve read earlier versions of this, so yeah, fitting.
The closing was good. You really felt Kit’s pain, his helplessness. The introduction of the vampires was well-placed. Another aspect to entice readers to keep going. Vampires are hot these days. They’re what the people want, and leaving questions of how they were jailed and why only adds to the appeal. And the tease of something worse below. Solid hook.
Overall, this chapter does what a good first chapter should. Introduce some stuff and characters without overwhelming new, unfamiliar readers, and drop enough teases and intrigue to make them want to stick around for the next chapter. I feel like you did that. Leaving Nik unnamed for now was a good choice, I believe. It fits within the first-person narrative, and puts the majority of the focus on your viewpoint character. Which is what you want in a first chapter.
One small thing I picked out:
“I’m lead down a narrow corridor…”
Not sure if you mean ‘led’ or if you mean he’s at the front of the group. The former makes more sense, but with your writing style, I could see the latter. Just a bit of confusion there.
5/18/2015 c7 14Shampoo Suicide
I'd been under the impression she was inevitably captured at the end of the last chapter so I was a bit confused upon beginning this one, but I think that was mostly sloppy reading on my part since I looked back and you make it kind of clear the attackers were wasting away half dead really. So, escape was plausible. I love the opening line, though! Very gripping, and puts you right back into the mindset of what's happening and how terrible the situation is at present.
And I love that it's another signifier of Char's toughness and how her head just seems to be built for survival. Get the fuck up and move on because you have to. You still demonstrate her caring and love but she's practical and clear headed too, even in grief. That's remarkable, in fact. And I love that, because you show just how much she cares, it's clear she's just remarkably strong rather than like unfeeling or superhumanly cold about things, which I've seen people default to.
A lot of great information has been revealed through Char so far. It's interesting because I feel like as a reader I learn more from her. There are some reasons this may be, perhaps Kit thus far doesn't have as much to reveal to us or his head is too fucked at the moment, or maybe just from a personal standpoint Char's voice translates better for me? Either way I love learning more about the world and the circumstances leading up to the present. You do it in a very cool way too, definitely nearly seamlessly worked in.
Oh man, I love her breakdown toward the end. The bit about you're all the same, you sick fucking men. So perfect. I really, really, hope that's a theme that gets explored more and more here. It doesn't even necessarily have to be a major one, but I love that it's so important to her life and character because it feels like it would be, would HAVE to be, and not only that but like it makes sense for her life before all of this too. She had a band of sisters and this shit has wrecked it. I love it (I hate it, I mean, but I love it).
Really great descriptions of magic again, here! I like that it's slightly different from how Kit would describe it as well, another great way you can tell each character has a distinctive voice. Can't wait for Jude's part, honestly, to see how that may have changed! Was always the hardest to get a handle on as a reader for sure. The ending is great here as well, and totally heartbreaking. Because it shows her losing it a bit. I love, love, that she fought as long as she could and it makes it even more sad that she can't overcome this situation. And the like magic induced or pain induced or trauma induced vision...so sad, so good. Well done!
14Shampoo SuicideI'd been under the impression she was inevitably captured at the end of the last chapter so I was a bit confused upon beginning this one, but I think that was mostly sloppy reading on my part since I looked back and you make it kind of clear the attackers were wasting away half dead really. So, escape was plausible. I love the opening line, though! Very gripping, and puts you right back into the mindset of what's happening and how terrible the situation is at present.
And I love that it's another signifier of Char's toughness and how her head just seems to be built for survival. Get the fuck up and move on because you have to. You still demonstrate her caring and love but she's practical and clear headed too, even in grief. That's remarkable, in fact. And I love that, because you show just how much she cares, it's clear she's just remarkably strong rather than like unfeeling or superhumanly cold about things, which I've seen people default to.
A lot of great information has been revealed through Char so far. It's interesting because I feel like as a reader I learn more from her. There are some reasons this may be, perhaps Kit thus far doesn't have as much to reveal to us or his head is too fucked at the moment, or maybe just from a personal standpoint Char's voice translates better for me? Either way I love learning more about the world and the circumstances leading up to the present. You do it in a very cool way too, definitely nearly seamlessly worked in.
Oh man, I love her breakdown toward the end. The bit about you're all the same, you sick fucking men. So perfect. I really, really, hope that's a theme that gets explored more and more here. It doesn't even necessarily have to be a major one, but I love that it's so important to her life and character because it feels like it would be, would HAVE to be, and not only that but like it makes sense for her life before all of this too. She had a band of sisters and this shit has wrecked it. I love it (I hate it, I mean, but I love it).
Really great descriptions of magic again, here! I like that it's slightly different from how Kit would describe it as well, another great way you can tell each character has a distinctive voice. Can't wait for Jude's part, honestly, to see how that may have changed! Was always the hardest to get a handle on as a reader for sure. The ending is great here as well, and totally heartbreaking. Because it shows her losing it a bit. I love, love, that she fought as long as she could and it makes it even more sad that she can't overcome this situation. And the like magic induced or pain induced or trauma induced vision...so sad, so good. Well done!
5/17/2015 c8 C. V. Atwood
I found the phrase, “My grogginess swoops me until I feel queasy,” strange. It just doesn’t make sense to me as a feeling. I think you are trying to use it in the context of a swift attack, but since this phrase isn’t typically associated with nausea the reader has to really think on it, and that just takes too long for conveying a feeling. Also, there are again strange capitalizations throughout. Ie. Get Scared. And some missing commas, “I shriek from pain, signing high and pure.” I don’t know why this has become more of a problem in these chapters, but it is very distracting.
Plot wise I think you are still going strong. I want to know why the witches aren’t killing our narrators. From what you’ve set up it seems like they’ve had no problem killing, but they’ve let both Charlotte and Achitophel live. Instead they seem to be torturing and trying to break them. I want to know why. I thought it might be to discover the human hideout, but then I don’t know why they need to keep a shaper alive. Is it just to be a translator?
The ending of this chapter seemed a bit repetitive in my opinion. It was the same fight to the death sequence as you gave Achitophel. I know it doesn’t end the same, but the lead-up is very similar. It takes away some of the excitement, which is disappointing because you’ve developed Charlotte as such a strong fighter. When she isn’t able to fight it and is scared it should be terrifying for the reader but it wasn’t. I will say that having the vampire witch is still interesting though. It causes so much terror for both narrators that I can’t help but take notice.
Overall, I think Charlotte’s chapters are stronger than Achitophel’s. I think this is in large part due to the way you contrast her pre-war past with her present situation. It provides more depth to her character and gives the reader a glimpse into what she has lost. Her chapters also do a great job to orient the reader with the world you’ve created. Achitophel’s seem more shock, aww, and mysterious. I obviously haven’t read far enough into this story to know the grand plan, but right now I kind of wish you’d lead with Charlotte instead of Achitophel. It just feels like a more natural introduction, but that is just my opinion.
I found the phrase, “My grogginess swoops me until I feel queasy,” strange. It just doesn’t make sense to me as a feeling. I think you are trying to use it in the context of a swift attack, but since this phrase isn’t typically associated with nausea the reader has to really think on it, and that just takes too long for conveying a feeling. Also, there are again strange capitalizations throughout. Ie. Get Scared. And some missing commas, “I shriek from pain, signing high and pure.” I don’t know why this has become more of a problem in these chapters, but it is very distracting.
Plot wise I think you are still going strong. I want to know why the witches aren’t killing our narrators. From what you’ve set up it seems like they’ve had no problem killing, but they’ve let both Charlotte and Achitophel live. Instead they seem to be torturing and trying to break them. I want to know why. I thought it might be to discover the human hideout, but then I don’t know why they need to keep a shaper alive. Is it just to be a translator?
The ending of this chapter seemed a bit repetitive in my opinion. It was the same fight to the death sequence as you gave Achitophel. I know it doesn’t end the same, but the lead-up is very similar. It takes away some of the excitement, which is disappointing because you’ve developed Charlotte as such a strong fighter. When she isn’t able to fight it and is scared it should be terrifying for the reader but it wasn’t. I will say that having the vampire witch is still interesting though. It causes so much terror for both narrators that I can’t help but take notice.
Overall, I think Charlotte’s chapters are stronger than Achitophel’s. I think this is in large part due to the way you contrast her pre-war past with her present situation. It provides more depth to her character and gives the reader a glimpse into what she has lost. Her chapters also do a great job to orient the reader with the world you’ve created. Achitophel’s seem more shock, aww, and mysterious. I obviously haven’t read far enough into this story to know the grand plan, but right now I kind of wish you’d lead with Charlotte instead of Achitophel. It just feels like a more natural introduction, but that is just my opinion.
5/17/2015 c7 C. V. Atwood
Like the last chapter, this one seems to have more typos than the previous chapters, particularly unnecessary capitals. “Our Story,” “Right Thing to Do,” and “The Good Guys,” all come up in the first paragraph alone. Although you continue to do so throughout the chapter, so maybe these are proper nouns in this world, but it just hasn’t been made clear as of yet.
I liked the addition of witches being able to skry once they’ve touched your flesh with magic. It immediately puts Charlotte in a more desperate situation. No matter how careful she is, the reality is that the witch can track her. It also lends some insight into how the witches were able to overthrow the humans so quickly.
I think your descriptions are picking up. You do a very good job contrasting the pre-war world to the current world as Charlotte is sneaking through the town. For example, shelled buildings where there used to be clubs. It also builds off the last chapter as we know Charlotte spent much of her childhood in those clubs. I also thought it was a nice touch to add that Uptown is now Vampire Ground Zero.
I think it was a great twist that the Old Mains that used to house the witches has become the only human safe place. Charlotte is right; the irony isn’t lost.
I particularly enjoyed the fight with the witches in the end. I thought this was well executed and displayed that Charlotte has a good head on her shoulders. The way she had to calm herself by taking a deep breath and counting down showed she was nervous without saying it outright. And the way she took out the skrying witch first and then killed the others using a mere switchblade helped to emphasize her years of training. The pace here felt more rushed than the rest of the chapter, but that was a good thing since it made it clear that there was no room for error.
This chapter had me really rooting for Charlotte, so I was sad when they bested her in the end. The only reprieve I have is that the next chapter is also from Charlotte’s POV so I know she didn’t die. Although with what we’ve seen so far that may be worse.
Like the last chapter, this one seems to have more typos than the previous chapters, particularly unnecessary capitals. “Our Story,” “Right Thing to Do,” and “The Good Guys,” all come up in the first paragraph alone. Although you continue to do so throughout the chapter, so maybe these are proper nouns in this world, but it just hasn’t been made clear as of yet.
I liked the addition of witches being able to skry once they’ve touched your flesh with magic. It immediately puts Charlotte in a more desperate situation. No matter how careful she is, the reality is that the witch can track her. It also lends some insight into how the witches were able to overthrow the humans so quickly.
I think your descriptions are picking up. You do a very good job contrasting the pre-war world to the current world as Charlotte is sneaking through the town. For example, shelled buildings where there used to be clubs. It also builds off the last chapter as we know Charlotte spent much of her childhood in those clubs. I also thought it was a nice touch to add that Uptown is now Vampire Ground Zero.
I think it was a great twist that the Old Mains that used to house the witches has become the only human safe place. Charlotte is right; the irony isn’t lost.
I particularly enjoyed the fight with the witches in the end. I thought this was well executed and displayed that Charlotte has a good head on her shoulders. The way she had to calm herself by taking a deep breath and counting down showed she was nervous without saying it outright. And the way she took out the skrying witch first and then killed the others using a mere switchblade helped to emphasize her years of training. The pace here felt more rushed than the rest of the chapter, but that was a good thing since it made it clear that there was no room for error.
This chapter had me really rooting for Charlotte, so I was sad when they bested her in the end. The only reprieve I have is that the next chapter is also from Charlotte’s POV so I know she didn’t die. Although with what we’ve seen so far that may be worse.
5/17/2015 c6 C. V. Atwood
I really enjoyed the beginning of this chapter because it did a lot to help me understand the setting. It finally gave me an idea of how long it has been since the war broke out. I was thinking it had been a significant amount of time, but the fact that Charlotte remembers the world before cities fell means it has been a much shorter time frame. Also, it made it clear that the witches and shapers didn’t just come out of nowhere and surprise humans. The revelation that witches began in ghettos lets me know that they coexisted with humans for a time, but as a lower class.
Your characterization of Charlotte continues to be on point. I thought she was a badass because she was in hiding and one of the last humans. As such, I was sad to find out she has been like this since she was a kid. I was just a bit confused by the timeline of her life. Was her underage drinking and sex before or after the city fell? If it was before I want to know where he parents were, and why they weren’t paying attention. Did she just come from a crappy home, or did it have something to do with the larger war?
You’ve set a pretty good pace here. It is a post-apocalyptic world where Charlotte and Patti have to be constantly on their guard and that reflects in your writing style. You move quickly from them being kicked out of Catskill, to killing the vampire (by the way, I loved “Unwound into dust”), to their tent being destroyed. It all feels very pessimistic and it is clear they are in danger. And then Patrice dying came unexpectedly and really heightened the stakes.
My only corner with this chapter is that there seems to be more typos than normal.
Galloon should be gallon
“It was my own fault,” Patrice said suddenly
“You were only did what nobody else..”
Also, I wasn’t sure I liked some of the sentence fragments you used. I get that you were trying to emphasize them as Charlotte’s thoughts and she tends to have fragmented thoughts, but I think the same could have been done with dashes. Case in point: “Even then, it was like everyone knew this was the only time we’d get to live like this—with passion—with security.” But this just my opinion.
I really enjoyed the beginning of this chapter because it did a lot to help me understand the setting. It finally gave me an idea of how long it has been since the war broke out. I was thinking it had been a significant amount of time, but the fact that Charlotte remembers the world before cities fell means it has been a much shorter time frame. Also, it made it clear that the witches and shapers didn’t just come out of nowhere and surprise humans. The revelation that witches began in ghettos lets me know that they coexisted with humans for a time, but as a lower class.
Your characterization of Charlotte continues to be on point. I thought she was a badass because she was in hiding and one of the last humans. As such, I was sad to find out she has been like this since she was a kid. I was just a bit confused by the timeline of her life. Was her underage drinking and sex before or after the city fell? If it was before I want to know where he parents were, and why they weren’t paying attention. Did she just come from a crappy home, or did it have something to do with the larger war?
You’ve set a pretty good pace here. It is a post-apocalyptic world where Charlotte and Patti have to be constantly on their guard and that reflects in your writing style. You move quickly from them being kicked out of Catskill, to killing the vampire (by the way, I loved “Unwound into dust”), to their tent being destroyed. It all feels very pessimistic and it is clear they are in danger. And then Patrice dying came unexpectedly and really heightened the stakes.
My only corner with this chapter is that there seems to be more typos than normal.
Galloon should be gallon
“It was my own fault,” Patrice said suddenly
“You were only did what nobody else..”
Also, I wasn’t sure I liked some of the sentence fragments you used. I get that you were trying to emphasize them as Charlotte’s thoughts and she tends to have fragmented thoughts, but I think the same could have been done with dashes. Case in point: “Even then, it was like everyone knew this was the only time we’d get to live like this—with passion—with security.” But this just my opinion.
5/16/2015 c13 2Jalux
I wasn't sure if it was a dream at first but it became pretty apparently fairly quickly. I'm almost certain this is one of Achitophel's memories rather then just a stock standard dream and I do wonder what the implications of the dream. What was she trying to tell him and what was her connection to him, it suggests to me there was something Achitophel wanted but could never reach. Anyhow it was a solid opening, very interesting as it gives the reader some things to mull over.
The chapter was quiet and was mostly Achitophel resting up but I didn't find it bad by any means. In fact I think the readers would appreciate having this sort of chapter after everything he's been through and it serves as a beacon of realism too. He's a person (well shaper) but he needs to eat, bathe and cut his hair. While there wasn't much plot movement the chapter works because it's like the calm before the storm I guess.
It was nice however how you didn't down on the characterization by giving us the dream and little things like the honey reminding him of the past and how he didn't like it. Achitophel is definitely shaping up as a character, he's developed enough even if one was to dislike him they could still appreciate his character depth.
The ending is interesting because it asks the question of if Achitophel will develop into a character capable of stopping this "transformation" into a vampire-like shaper and if Carwin Wolf is the main villain of this story. So I'm wondering if shapers go mad as they age? Is that how it works or is it actually some sort of transformation? Either way liked this chapter, good stuff.
2JaluxI wasn't sure if it was a dream at first but it became pretty apparently fairly quickly. I'm almost certain this is one of Achitophel's memories rather then just a stock standard dream and I do wonder what the implications of the dream. What was she trying to tell him and what was her connection to him, it suggests to me there was something Achitophel wanted but could never reach. Anyhow it was a solid opening, very interesting as it gives the reader some things to mull over.
The chapter was quiet and was mostly Achitophel resting up but I didn't find it bad by any means. In fact I think the readers would appreciate having this sort of chapter after everything he's been through and it serves as a beacon of realism too. He's a person (well shaper) but he needs to eat, bathe and cut his hair. While there wasn't much plot movement the chapter works because it's like the calm before the storm I guess.
It was nice however how you didn't down on the characterization by giving us the dream and little things like the honey reminding him of the past and how he didn't like it. Achitophel is definitely shaping up as a character, he's developed enough even if one was to dislike him they could still appreciate his character depth.
The ending is interesting because it asks the question of if Achitophel will develop into a character capable of stopping this "transformation" into a vampire-like shaper and if Carwin Wolf is the main villain of this story. So I'm wondering if shapers go mad as they age? Is that how it works or is it actually some sort of transformation? Either way liked this chapter, good stuff.
5/16/2015 c5 C. V. Atwood
This is my favorite chapter thus far. Charlotte's crass way of describing Catskill and being the last vestiges of humanity really emphasizes this point. Her lack of niceties makes it clear that this is world where there just isn't time for or value to being polite. Line that really summed it up for me- "Every dick counts" Also, Charlotte's tough as nails attitude sells that this is a dangerous world. She is pretty awesome to go out there and castrate Jaxon for raping Patrice.
I like the way your break out lines. You seem very conscious of where a reader should pause and how to make lines stand out. For example, breaking out "Jaxon wanted us to hang" gave that line more power. Also, in the final section "They don't smile. They don't wave." I liked how you chose to break this up. It forced me to pause and think.
The only line I thought was a bit awkward came at the end. "Two homesick city slicks chomping at the bit to get home." I think "homesick" and "home" are used too close together. I'm not sure what I'd replace it with, but it just seemed to lack impact.
This is my favorite chapter thus far. Charlotte's crass way of describing Catskill and being the last vestiges of humanity really emphasizes this point. Her lack of niceties makes it clear that this is world where there just isn't time for or value to being polite. Line that really summed it up for me- "Every dick counts" Also, Charlotte's tough as nails attitude sells that this is a dangerous world. She is pretty awesome to go out there and castrate Jaxon for raping Patrice.
I like the way your break out lines. You seem very conscious of where a reader should pause and how to make lines stand out. For example, breaking out "Jaxon wanted us to hang" gave that line more power. Also, in the final section "They don't smile. They don't wave." I liked how you chose to break this up. It forced me to pause and think.
The only line I thought was a bit awkward came at the end. "Two homesick city slicks chomping at the bit to get home." I think "homesick" and "home" are used too close together. I'm not sure what I'd replace it with, but it just seemed to lack impact.
5/16/2015 c6 14Shampoo Suicide
Quick typo fix: a threw up, I'm assuming, should be I threw up.
I'd read a whole book in Charlotte's perspective about these same circumstances, I truly would. I love her voice and I adore her character. She seems so Riot Grrl: the opening of this chapter where she's talking about how punk rock gave her a voice is the very ethos that screamed to me as a 14 year old when I couldn't get enough of Kathleen Hanna and Brody Dalle and I wanted to be them or be adopted by them or be their friend. Charlotte is the stuff girl crushes are made of, for serious. This is not helpful critique, obviously, but I just wanted to point out how alive and vibrant her characterization is already. It helps, I'm sure, that you've spent so much time exploring all the angles of all the characters in this work.
It's really easy to fall into this story from her side of things. Does it help that she's the human character, maybe? I don't know. Kit's situation is tragic but Charlotte feels so much more relatable...not from a personal perspective, duh haha, but just like you'd be able to watch a movie or read about this and would find the motivations understandable. I loved reading about the connection she had to her bandmates. And it was like a gut punch to see Patti killed. Doubly so to know Char had to mercy end her suffering. Oh my god, and it came out of nowhere in such a great way. Like, it obviously makes sense, as Char said they'd been expecting and dreading such a thing.
Technique wise I loved the contrast of reading about the touring concert days and the touring apocalypse days, haha. It set up backstory in a great way and also highlighted their connection and the tragedy of why they're traveling now, to stay alive, versus before it was the music that was keeping them alive if that makes sense. It probably doesn't but my brain has been weird for days now ahah.
I adore the ending, especially the last sentence. The whole construction of this chapter was perfect, the opening setting up her story and then reading about how things got from bad to worse, to finally the inevitable capture. It made her feelings at the end really raw and powerful to know about how much she and Patti had gone through together. So, so well done. You should write about Charlotte's life for me more, but I know you have a loooot going on with this and don't need another project haha.
I've mentioned this so many times already but it has to be said again, your signature writing quirks shine here and throughout so far and aid this rewrite. The last draft I remember being more taken in with the language than the story whereas here it's like it bolsters the storytelling and makes it an even more interesting read than if you wrote less stylistically than you do. I'm not explaining that well. But I guess I just mean I can see where you've improved a lot! You've got a good grasp on both form and function thus far, might be a good way to put it.
14Shampoo SuicideQuick typo fix: a threw up, I'm assuming, should be I threw up.
I'd read a whole book in Charlotte's perspective about these same circumstances, I truly would. I love her voice and I adore her character. She seems so Riot Grrl: the opening of this chapter where she's talking about how punk rock gave her a voice is the very ethos that screamed to me as a 14 year old when I couldn't get enough of Kathleen Hanna and Brody Dalle and I wanted to be them or be adopted by them or be their friend. Charlotte is the stuff girl crushes are made of, for serious. This is not helpful critique, obviously, but I just wanted to point out how alive and vibrant her characterization is already. It helps, I'm sure, that you've spent so much time exploring all the angles of all the characters in this work.
It's really easy to fall into this story from her side of things. Does it help that she's the human character, maybe? I don't know. Kit's situation is tragic but Charlotte feels so much more relatable...not from a personal perspective, duh haha, but just like you'd be able to watch a movie or read about this and would find the motivations understandable. I loved reading about the connection she had to her bandmates. And it was like a gut punch to see Patti killed. Doubly so to know Char had to mercy end her suffering. Oh my god, and it came out of nowhere in such a great way. Like, it obviously makes sense, as Char said they'd been expecting and dreading such a thing.
Technique wise I loved the contrast of reading about the touring concert days and the touring apocalypse days, haha. It set up backstory in a great way and also highlighted their connection and the tragedy of why they're traveling now, to stay alive, versus before it was the music that was keeping them alive if that makes sense. It probably doesn't but my brain has been weird for days now ahah.
I adore the ending, especially the last sentence. The whole construction of this chapter was perfect, the opening setting up her story and then reading about how things got from bad to worse, to finally the inevitable capture. It made her feelings at the end really raw and powerful to know about how much she and Patti had gone through together. So, so well done. You should write about Charlotte's life for me more, but I know you have a loooot going on with this and don't need another project haha.
I've mentioned this so many times already but it has to be said again, your signature writing quirks shine here and throughout so far and aid this rewrite. The last draft I remember being more taken in with the language than the story whereas here it's like it bolsters the storytelling and makes it an even more interesting read than if you wrote less stylistically than you do. I'm not explaining that well. But I guess I just mean I can see where you've improved a lot! You've got a good grasp on both form and function thus far, might be a good way to put it.