for S4V3D9/17/2015 c8 
1Tonofun
Aw. And here I was, all happy to have an internet connection again so I could come read this.
1TonofunAw. And here I was, all happy to have an internet connection again so I could come read this.
9/13/2015 c8 Cap
Shoot I thought it was a chapter... :(
Shoot I thought it was a chapter... :(
6/18/2015 c7 Tonofun
Hi! I'm back for another round of the Infinite Compliments Carousel! Because I still can't find anything I don't like! Exclamation point!
This chapter was hilarious. I could spend a lot of time going into detail WHY it was hilarious, but you probably already know, and I don't really have a whole lot of time. So I'll just say that I was in a crappy mood when I started reading this, and I was in a better mood by the time I was done. Thank you.
I gotta say, as a whole, this story so far is better than a lot of published YA fiction. To be more specific, it's better than a lot of GOOD published YA fiction (because sometimes, sadly, that's a distinction you have to make).
Hi! I'm back for another round of the Infinite Compliments Carousel! Because I still can't find anything I don't like! Exclamation point!
This chapter was hilarious. I could spend a lot of time going into detail WHY it was hilarious, but you probably already know, and I don't really have a whole lot of time. So I'll just say that I was in a crappy mood when I started reading this, and I was in a better mood by the time I was done. Thank you.
I gotta say, as a whole, this story so far is better than a lot of published YA fiction. To be more specific, it's better than a lot of GOOD published YA fiction (because sometimes, sadly, that's a distinction you have to make).
6/18/2015 c6 Capri
Didn't notice the dyslexia, and I'm dyslexic, soooo...I'm not trying to question your knowledge prowess, but I feel like avi could (and probly would) mix up/ mess up names or something. He's cute, tho :)
I didn't think it was filler. Seemed important, the runaway factor that a lot of "problem" mc's have...idk. I liked it. But that's just me.
Can't say much except I liked Avis point of view but thought it could be more ... Distinguishable from Syls and deas narration. That's something I'm working on myself, trying to give each character a different voice. You should be able to tell who's talking without seeing the name, just by the writing style.
It's okay. Veronica Roth can't do this either, so u and I are safe :)
Cheers,
Cap
Didn't notice the dyslexia, and I'm dyslexic, soooo...I'm not trying to question your knowledge prowess, but I feel like avi could (and probly would) mix up/ mess up names or something. He's cute, tho :)
I didn't think it was filler. Seemed important, the runaway factor that a lot of "problem" mc's have...idk. I liked it. But that's just me.
Can't say much except I liked Avis point of view but thought it could be more ... Distinguishable from Syls and deas narration. That's something I'm working on myself, trying to give each character a different voice. You should be able to tell who's talking without seeing the name, just by the writing style.
It's okay. Veronica Roth can't do this either, so u and I are safe :)
Cheers,
Cap
6/17/2015 c2 Guest
I actually realllllllllllllllllly like this story!
I actually realllllllllllllllllly like this story!
6/16/2015 c5 Caaaaaaaap
My sister won't shut up, but I'm wearing my "I am second" bracelet and so not telling her it's bugging me, so please forgive if this is a bit jumbled.
Idk of I like the switch to third person...first person present is awk, but third person present is just...it doesn't seem normal. I guess it's unique, though, right? Still, I'd prefer first person or (my fav) past :P
But it's ur story, of course.
Gasping in OH WAIT THAT WAS A TWIST HAHA DIDNT CATCH THAT kinda way :P Sorry, but I'm still not sure who carcina is and well, the creepiness of the hospital-thingie seems totally consistent with the bad guys lair...so i wasn't surprised to see him show up.
AAAAAEGH IM AN AWFUL REVIEWER
I miss avi.
Cheers,
Cap
My sister won't shut up, but I'm wearing my "I am second" bracelet and so not telling her it's bugging me, so please forgive if this is a bit jumbled.
Idk of I like the switch to third person...first person present is awk, but third person present is just...it doesn't seem normal. I guess it's unique, though, right? Still, I'd prefer first person or (my fav) past :P
But it's ur story, of course.
Gasping in OH WAIT THAT WAS A TWIST HAHA DIDNT CATCH THAT kinda way :P Sorry, but I'm still not sure who carcina is and well, the creepiness of the hospital-thingie seems totally consistent with the bad guys lair...so i wasn't surprised to see him show up.
AAAAAEGH IM AN AWFUL REVIEWER
I miss avi.
Cheers,
Cap
6/16/2015 c4 CapGirl
Are you okay? -Just wanna make sure my fav FP gurl is hanging in there :)
This is sad. I'm not sure why you're so ...idk, unsatisfied w ur work? because it's so much better than mine, and if Leonardo divinci told me "the Mona Lisa sucks!" it wouldn't help my own confidence, ya know? :P
Anyway, it's sad. I'm worried about the chicos. More than I'm worried about Dea, bc she can take care of herself, I think...but I choked up when she's saying goodbye to her dad. Sniffle :(
Curious: have y read the lunar chronically by Melissa Meyer? Ur work reminds me of tht :D
Cheers,
Cap
Are you okay? -Just wanna make sure my fav FP gurl is hanging in there :)
This is sad. I'm not sure why you're so ...idk, unsatisfied w ur work? because it's so much better than mine, and if Leonardo divinci told me "the Mona Lisa sucks!" it wouldn't help my own confidence, ya know? :P
Anyway, it's sad. I'm worried about the chicos. More than I'm worried about Dea, bc she can take care of herself, I think...but I choked up when she's saying goodbye to her dad. Sniffle :(
Curious: have y read the lunar chronically by Melissa Meyer? Ur work reminds me of tht :D
Cheers,
Cap
6/16/2015 c3 Cap
"It's IL June, there's always a storm coming"
TRUUUUUUE THAT! My pool has only been open a few days and I've been on call because of the bad weather. It stormed here earlier, did that hit u?
Soooo...I posted my S4V3D Fanart. I figure the characters don't look anything like they're really supposed to (I just made up appearances) but I had fun :) I'm not sure if it posted, tho, bc I did it on my phone, so u'll hav to check
How much of the story is Deas POV? I like her, but for some reason I got the vibe that the mc was supposed to be avi...idk...where did u find the name avi anyway?
Are any of the other kids fat (besides Dea)? And what's the disability Syl has? I'm kinda too lazy to look it up haha...
It's curious- are u a Blackhawks fan?
"It's IL June, there's always a storm coming"
TRUUUUUUE THAT! My pool has only been open a few days and I've been on call because of the bad weather. It stormed here earlier, did that hit u?
Soooo...I posted my S4V3D Fanart. I figure the characters don't look anything like they're really supposed to (I just made up appearances) but I had fun :) I'm not sure if it posted, tho, bc I did it on my phone, so u'll hav to check
How much of the story is Deas POV? I like her, but for some reason I got the vibe that the mc was supposed to be avi...idk...where did u find the name avi anyway?
Are any of the other kids fat (besides Dea)? And what's the disability Syl has? I'm kinda too lazy to look it up haha...
It's curious- are u a Blackhawks fan?
6/8/2015 c6 2ThePikachu181
I liked it. I found a sentence or two that didn't exactly make sense, however it is an easily fixed issue. A few of your sentences are extremely long and, in my opinion, should probably be shortened.
Tip: I'd say that you should vary your sentence lengths. It helps keep the readers into the story. I noticed a lot of long sentences but no shorter ones in between.
Like you said at the end this chapter feels like a filler. I believe it would be best if you thought through your plot lines and what you want to happen in each chapter before updating. Just a suggestion.
Keep up the good work!
2ThePikachu181I liked it. I found a sentence or two that didn't exactly make sense, however it is an easily fixed issue. A few of your sentences are extremely long and, in my opinion, should probably be shortened.
Tip: I'd say that you should vary your sentence lengths. It helps keep the readers into the story. I noticed a lot of long sentences but no shorter ones in between.
Like you said at the end this chapter feels like a filler. I believe it would be best if you thought through your plot lines and what you want to happen in each chapter before updating. Just a suggestion.
Keep up the good work!
6/8/2015 c5 ThePikachu181
Nice work on this one! Syl has a very distinct voice and I appreciate that. As always the dialogue was good and I liked the hints at her back story. The story is being very interesting... :)
Nice work on this one! Syl has a very distinct voice and I appreciate that. As always the dialogue was good and I liked the hints at her back story. The story is being very interesting... :)
6/8/2015 c4 ThePikachu181
I really liked this chapter. The dialogue was very sweet between Dea and her father. Great job on that.
The ending was rushed. I noticed you use "-" when it doesn't seem to be necessary. Just be careful with those. I'd have to point out that it feels as if the numbers were over used again in this chapter. It made the sentences slightly hard to read. Overall great chapter. :)
I really liked this chapter. The dialogue was very sweet between Dea and her father. Great job on that.
The ending was rushed. I noticed you use "-" when it doesn't seem to be necessary. Just be careful with those. I'd have to point out that it feels as if the numbers were over used again in this chapter. It made the sentences slightly hard to read. Overall great chapter. :)
6/8/2015 c3 ThePikachu181
Good chapter. I saw a couple grammar mistakes but for the most part it was great.
Just a suggestion, using numbers for names can confuse readers at times. (it happened to me numerous times when reading chapters.) I think it'd be good if you used less numbers. That's just opinion though. :)
Good chapter. I saw a couple grammar mistakes but for the most part it was great.
Just a suggestion, using numbers for names can confuse readers at times. (it happened to me numerous times when reading chapters.) I think it'd be good if you used less numbers. That's just opinion though. :)
6/8/2015 c2 ThePikachu181
Good chapter. I feel as if the villain is too easily discovered and not very threatening. A little work on the characterization would benefit him in my opinion.
Your dialogue, again, is spot on. However, the whole chapter felt slightly rushed. I think taking it slower would be good.
Good chapter. I feel as if the villain is too easily discovered and not very threatening. A little work on the characterization would benefit him in my opinion.
Your dialogue, again, is spot on. However, the whole chapter felt slightly rushed. I think taking it slower would be good.
6/8/2015 c1 ThePikachu181
Very interesting... I really like your ideas. The story is engrossing and your dialogue feels natural. I thoroughly enjoy Dea's voice. It has a good pace. I'd suggest that the opening be a bit stronger and captivating.
Very interesting... I really like your ideas. The story is engrossing and your dialogue feels natural. I thoroughly enjoy Dea's voice. It has a good pace. I'd suggest that the opening be a bit stronger and captivating.
6/6/2015 c5 1Tonofun
I like Syl. She has a very distinct voice, and it's definitely an interesting one. I find myself feeling very sorry for her. She seems like she's had a rough life, and it's about to get worse.
The intrigue is starting to ramp up. Mysterious facility, pushy Nazi (in the figurative sense) doctor, surprise villain reveal. Lots of set up, and all of its good.
I've gone back through a couple times, and I don't have any complaints. And despite how much I've gushed over your writing, I'm much better at finding flaws than dealing praise. Just keep going, please.
1TonofunI like Syl. She has a very distinct voice, and it's definitely an interesting one. I find myself feeling very sorry for her. She seems like she's had a rough life, and it's about to get worse.
The intrigue is starting to ramp up. Mysterious facility, pushy Nazi (in the figurative sense) doctor, surprise villain reveal. Lots of set up, and all of its good.
I've gone back through a couple times, and I don't have any complaints. And despite how much I've gushed over your writing, I'm much better at finding flaws than dealing praise. Just keep going, please.