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for Nurture, Cliques and Green Skinned Freaks

3/21/2016 c4 4m. b. whitlock
RG Depth #5,342

This was an intriguing chapter. I enjoyed meeting Sophie with her extra husky deutsch-isms. The HAM insurgency could use some work though, honestly. I am wondering if these guys have a specific plan or if they’re just staging random raids and half-baked publicity acts? Are they capable of strategy? I mean, with the red skulls and everything, I don’t see how they are going to win a lot of followers beyond the extremists who are already marching with them.

Also, when Kristin and Sophie are attacked, their assailant doesn’t appear to be much of threat. I guess all I can say about HAM is that they appear to be no more than a bunch of crazies. The only problem with having your conflict (or a layer of it) be generated by a group of feeble lunatics is that it doesn’t create a lot of suspense. I am expecting the Dextror to come back and I can imagine that what you’ve set up with HAM will come into play then… But you could still develop HAM more, make them scarier by toning down the cartoonish aspects a bit. Or give them some technological prowess at least (if you work on the statue switch some it would cast HAM in a more interesting light).

Okay here are notes:

“The grass has the unmistakeable smell of genetic alteration.”
Perhaps describe that smell. If you give us some idea of the smell, then you can refer to those scent elements later, and your readers will know that whatever has the odor is genetically altered. Since so much is genetically altered in this word I imagine the fragrance is quite common. ;)

It is sad how wherever Kristin goes she gets ‘looks’:
“He gives us a grim look.”
I like how she is sensitive to that. Even though she’s a dim bulb, she nonetheless has feelings and notices others’ disapproval. I hope, and I think there might be *some* hints in your story, that Kristin will eventually discover that she’s NOT a total ditz and gain some confidence.

I like husky voiced Sophie:
“"I think that that poker faced kerl who told us to sit here doesn't approve of our kind, eh Kristin?””
Don’t think I’ve come across the word “kerl” before but since it’s similar to ‘churl’ I think I get the meaning, also the context makes the definition easy to guess. Like it. :D (after writing this I saw the glossary.)

I’d have Kristin say this (or part of it) out loud. Having it be an internal line that the others respond to is a little awkward, makes me wonder if there is blatant telepathy happening all of the sudden or something:
“I squirm. Oh mum! I know you're looking out for me, but did you have to mention that?”

I like the concept of the GEB bluebird:
“A bluebird flutters down. Genetically Engineered Birds are also GEBs. Bluebirds are a special type of jewel bright bird, created for their docility.”
But maybe let your readers figure it out on their own that the birds are genetically engineered. If you tell us in the beginning of the chapter what genetic alteration smells like, then you can have the wind carry the scent here. The smell matched with the birds’ brilliance and other artificial aspects will show us they are engineered… Just a suggestion. There’s nothing wrong with the section. This is just if you want to make the reading experience more seamless and immersive. :)

Here Sophie tells us specifically that the birds are GEBs:
“Sofie watches. "Now that little GEB can flutter by as he pleases. Too bad we weren't given that gene.””
So you don’t need to tell us explicitly earlier I don’t think.

Nice idea:
“A shining metal statue of the figure of justice is positioned on the stage reflecting the sun's rays.”
But I can’t see it very clearly. I don’t know what this world’s ‘Justice’ looks like. Is it a blindfolded woman in a toga holding scales? Or something else entirely…?

I would cut the part of the dialogue tag description marked **:
“"Yes and I hope he'll be sport captain," I reply equally softly *in my husky whisper*.”
I think it will read better, and it seems a bit odd for Kristin to describe her own voice as ‘husky’. If you had her express how she’s trying to sound huskier, more like Sophie, it would work.

“The figure of justice is gone and replaced by this likeness of a huge skeleton with burned sinews. I feel a bit sick. It looks like a statue of the Extremely Superior Hominid.”
This is a very dramatic scene, which is cool, but it’s a little hard to believe. I think the reason why is that I don’t have a clear idea of what the statue of Justice looks like or its dimensions. Since I don’t a have a solid impression of the Justice statue it is hard to visualize a group dismantling it and replacing it with something that is also nebulous in terms of how big and heavy it is… Too many unknowns for me to get a high def image.

Sorry, but this isn’t much fun for me to read:
“Gannon gives his modest shrug that I remember so well at Elys. "I couldn't let the young ladies face danger, now could I.””
Do these green girls have to be so pathetic? I mean, green dude is like a superhero running up the stairs and his sisters can’t think straight enough (being around pinky-faced boys!) to fend off some batsh*t old man with a rusty penknife? Please…

;)

Well, your stuff continues to be different. And different is certainly intriguing.

Very best!

mbw
2/10/2016 c3 6Victoria Best
Hello!

Let me start by saying, great cliffhanger! Loved it. Definitely encouraged me to keep reading! I have a feeling that things are going to get interesting. I have one massive question for HAM. Why? The green people are so nice :( Why do they hate them so much :( I guess it's just the simple fact that they are different, and maybe they're scared of that. They're scared of what they don't know. I love how thought-provoking this piece is, because this could be paralleled with sexist / racist / homophobic movements also. Love all the themes running through this. Certainly a powerful story.

"Pearl's programme runs its course." I liked your opening. It brought us straight into the scene, no talky bits or descriptions or introductions. You get right to the point, which is wonderful.

"That's the monster." Just a structural point, but I've seen it written in a lot of writing guides and literary agent interviews, bios, blogs, etc., about capital letters being a pet peeve. Obviously it's your story and you have free terrain over it, but might be worth thinking about when you get to the stage of trying to publish.

"Oh my gosh, I need to get ready." I love, love, love the little lines like this, that remind us of Kristin's age and her personality. She's just a teenager, and a very excitable and innocent one at that, and you have captured her girly, excitable voice perfectly, as well as the 'bubbles and sprinkles' way she sees the world. Really brilliant characterisation. Also, this means you've set the character up for potential development, as I have a feeling her relationship with Gannon and her experiences with HAM will no doubt bring out a maturer side to her and a sense of responsibility.

I really liked the part with the mice also. Again, it reminded us of Kristin's good heart. Having said that, this part did feel a little Disney Princess-y (innocent teenager feeding and befriending the mice). Maybe try to delineate it, (not sure exactly how) simply so that comparisons won't be drawn, even subconscious ones.

Finally, I loved the descriptions of the 'science fiction' things in this, reminding us that this is set in a completely different world, a world with "three legged turkeys" and wonderful baths. I want that bath so, so much. Can technology hurry up and improve itself so we can have baths like this? :p Maybe we should send your story to bath shops and be like "Invent this. Now. Go."

Minor comments, nothing major:

You say "tropical" twice in one paragraph. It's not a big deal, but it did stick out to me.

"The air carries pleasant fragrances." I am not sure what "minerals in the water" would smell like. Perhaps more elaboration here? Could be a chance for some descriptive writing.

Lastly, there was a lot of 'says'. She says this, he says that. I did a quick control and f and it picked up the word 'says' about thirty times. Maybe you were doing this intentionally, to capture Kristin's voice, but it started sticking out to me and began to be distracting. Maybe a few of these could be shaved off.

Anyway, great job with another solid chapter. Keep writing!
2/8/2016 c4 20Ventracere
"boy/ green girl" - this is a nitpicky thing so feel free to ignore. I'm not the biggest fan of slashes in the middle of the narrative, since it tends to disrupt the flow of the story. Perhaps just get rid of "boy/green girl" entirely and stick with couple. It's a bit redundant to have to redefine which couple you're talking about, so I think you're okay without that descriptor.

Not going to lie, the HAM remind me a bit with their whole, "hybrids must die" idea of the Death Eaters. I don't know, but the scene with the football pitch and the HAM members appearing at the end kind of just screamed the Quidditch world cup at me. Even with the GEB - there are just a lot of parallels, even if there are different characters and different characterization. But I digress.

I did like how you kept a good variation with your sentence structure; lots of short sentences, but a decent amount of lengthier ones as well. I would have liked to see a bit of the footy match and the excitement that rushes through your protag and her family, but that's not to say the scene after it wasn't well written. It was tense and colorful actually. I don't think I ever said how unique the piece is with all its artificial colors. It's bright, easy to imagine. The interaction between Sophie and Kristin's family was a bit forced to me with all the little descriptions breaking up the dialogue, about Sophie's face, what she was eating, what she was doing. It might help to clump the descriptions a bit during that scene to help it flow a little better, imo.

Nice.
2/4/2016 c2 6Victoria Best
Hello!

Wow, this story gets more and more complex with every chapter. I love, love, love the world-building you have done here. It's well-developed and complex, and I can tell you've done your research, so great job with that. I liked learning that in this timeline there was no first world war, and I especially liked learning more information at the end here about Genutec and the parallels you give us with the various eugenics programmes throughout history. Again, well-researched and well-developed. So far, the Genutec stuff stands out the most to me in this story, and I still have a lot of questions, mainly whether what they are doing is good or bad, because, as her father rightly points out, their work meant that he could have a daughter. I've got my suspicions about Genutec, though, because of the mention of their 'creepy ideas' so I'm looking forward to reading more about it.

Love the description of Gannon, like when his "sky blue eyes light up." I like his natural chemistry with Kristin. You play them off each other nicely in their dialogue - it all flows naturally - and I'm interested in seeing how their relationship will develop as time progresses. There is definitely an attraction there, and I'm intrigued whether they will end up together, or if something will break them apart.

I also love the way you show Kristin's thought processes, like the "yes!" on its own, and the way she describes how she is filled with "nervous excitement," and when she talks about wanting to impress him. Very cute and also very believable. It's these little features that make her seem very real. I can definitely relate to her.

"Oh, my little emerald." Aww, her mum is so lovely. It's great that we get to see more of Kristin's relationships with her family. I can see you're exploring themes of family and growing up, and it's lovely to see - family often get overlooked in young adult stories, in favour of the love interests, and it doesn't feel natural. There is a lot of potential here for this 'coming of age' theme, and I hope to see more like this, and to see how it all plays out.

Finally, my favourite line in this was "drinking in his unique scent." Love this! Not only is it a gorgeous line, it's just a really fascinating idea. Shows she isn't quite human, and it's a fun trait to give her. Also, very original - I haven't seen a character in a book / film who can do this before.

No issues that I could see. Keep writing!
2/2/2016 c4 4lookingwest
Plot was the one feature I saw happening the most in this chapter, the action really picked up with HAM attacking again. I think the move to have HAM attack the game was a good one and it made sense, though I'm not quite sure why HAM attacked a game like this one where there were only three hybrids present - though it wasn't really an "attack" yes - just hate speech. They seem poorly organized and therefore not too much of a threat - I think it would have more impact if the game had been flooded with people, but I didn't get that sense from the descriptions of the stands. It makes me also wonder if they're merely just trailing after Kristen for some reason. But like I said though, the action of having this happen was great for the pacing of the first four chapters so far, I think! Looking forward to more!

In terms of character, I feel a little bit of a Mary Sue thing happening with Kristen in terms of her beauty. I'm not quite sure if I should believe her when she says she isn't pretty and she'll never get a boyfriend, or if she is actually being honest about her looks - it's hard to tell. I remember the first chapter, but even then, we didn't have much to compare her to but a reference to Emily on the TV. Again, not sure how reliable Kristen actually is and the idea that she's actually very beautiful but does /not/ see herself that way and talks about it in almost every chapter is a Mary Sue trope. That being said, it is true - she doesn't have a boyfriend yet! But her age also feels a little more immature - like she isn't quite ready to have one. Significant others are more than just their looks and the fact they can provide her with babies - they're also people that you emotionally connect with... not feeling that she is considering that completely, since most of the conversations she's had with Gannon are very one-sided.

In other words - I continue to worry for Kristen! I wish she had a girl friend to give her some solid boy advice, heh. But I really like her innocence too. That's really what it is when it comes down to it I think. She's incredibly innocent! Nothing wrong with that. Things are still up in the air with Gannon. He felt a LITTLE more believability interested in Kristen after the events at the stadium, but at the same time, any good-hearted person should rush to the rescue of people in need if you personally invited them to a game where things go ugly. I'm still wary of him and Kristen, but again, it's hard to tell what's totally reliable when you have a narrator like Kristen who is very insecure about herself and her relationships.

One thing - how far along was Sofie? I thought she only had a slight swell - but she references the baby kicking - that doesn't seem right. I think they would only start kicking at a much later trimester. Perhaps describe her belly more prominently if she's that far along? A small detail, though. I did like getting to see Kristen with a biobrother and biosister near by. Even though the brother doesn't get that much screen time, the scene where he fights the HAM representative was action-packed and a lasting image. I also thought the convo with Sofie and her bf did a good job continuing to highlight the lives of hybrids - it's again, perhaps a little troublesome that a boy would only have a baby with a woman because it makes /her/ happy. A child is such an incredible responsibility - you'd think you'd want both parents to be fully wanting it for themselves, and not just to make their significant other at ease (this kind of goes back to me thinking love is both something that involves lust but also emotional connection beyond a surface-level - you also gotta jive with someone's personality!). Still though, looking forward to what happens between Kristen and Gannon, there's definitely been some progress!
2/1/2016 c3 20Ventracere
It's been a while since I've been here, but I like how easy it is to fall right back into the story. Something that I did like was how easily Kristin's emotions transfer from the page. We can feel how excited she is as she gets ready to meet Gannon - to the point that she has to restrain herself from doing as she usually does. Not a bad thing that she's falling so hard and so fast for her already; it's just feels like it's too fast, too hard - but that's just personal preference. Something I think that would make it a bit stronger is if Krisitin tells us a little less. Show us her actions a bit more instead of having her tell us what is going on.

Ha, I do like your name choices - Dolly.. That has a bit of significance within itself, does it not - it made me smile, ha. There were a couple hiccups here and there I think; "Pearl's program runs its course late that night" - sounds a bit funny. Did you mean, "Pearl's program runs late that night"?
1/24/2016 c1 kumamon
Your obsession with green skin is for real. I spot a few minor grammar mistakes, it's not glaringly obvious but it destroys the pace of my reading as I'm a stickler for grammar. You might want to proof-read them or ask someone for help. Now, on with the review!

I like the setting and the plot, and the xenophobia the girls has towards Kristin - it makes everything more real, as humans can't really be counted on to change their views. But all the telling and the explanation behind the events that led up to the first chapter is a bit confusing and throws me off a bit. Maybe break it down over the course of a few chapters?

I share the same preference with Kristin. I like boys with athletic builds, especially their arms. I see you've planned out the breeders well, including their preferences and their gene-pool and their purpose. Their purpose is to breed, so they have baby fever and glow when they're pregnant. These little details makes the story better, especially since you made it out so that breeding is programmed into them.

The little side-effects the breeders have are really interesting. You repeat the fact that Gannon has a nice scent too much, I know it's important, but it can be off-putting sometimes. Maybe emphasis it's importance once or twice, sparingly. The fact that Kristin can smell an error in a genetic code is a bit funny. She'd be perfect in looking for sociopaths.

Oh, and you mean banoffee? It's spelled electricity, by the way.

But the development of Gannon and Kristin's relationship is a bit unrealistic. Kristin makes her tiny crush sound like she found her soulmate, and if the xenophobia against breeders are real, wouldn't the waitress be nicer to them and not flirt with Gannon? Also, wouldn't Gannon be more wary of Kristin, and not act as if he has fallen for her at first sight, to the point of badmouthing and abandoning his friend? The end where the manager calls the police on HAM is also unrealistic, I don't think HAM would go that far as to beat up breeders. It sounds like you've got something against haters and are making them pay in your own way in this story.
1/20/2016 c3 4m. b. whitlock
RG EF Rule 10 Review

“The HAM members drift around us hissing "monster… monster…" they give off a powerful putrid stench that makes me want to gag and heave.”

I like how the Hams smell putrid. Especially since this is a dream, it appears to me that their rotten stench emanates from their stinking hate. Cool play on the themes of the story as well as the synesthesiastic character of dreams.

“But first I've got to feed my sugar mice. They're my pets. Little Genetically Engineered Beasts, or GEBs as they are called,”

This is a common trope in sci-fi and horror stories/films—the experimental child has experimental pets, or makes pets of the animals being tested in their lab. It’s one I like a lot, though have yet to make use of myself…hmmm…could be a WCC prompt in there ;)

This reads a bit awkward to me:

“I sit up, push my long black hair out of my face”

Or should I say convenient or contrived. Most people don’t think about their hair color when they are sweeping a hair into place (even me, and I’m a redhead haha -bet you could have guessed). It seems like the ‘long black’ bit is there to remind your readers of her luscious black locks. It pulls me out a bit. Even after all this time being away from the story, I am still conscious of her appearance. If I were you, I would keep the physical stuff a little more casual and organic to the situation. With her relationship with Gannon you have so many opportunities in dialogue to gush about her noir tresses. ;)

This reflexive bit throws me off some too:

“(can pure humans see that one clearly?)”

Is she specifically addressing ‘standard humans’ in this chapter? How does she know in the world of your story who is reading this? Too much 4th wall degradation IMO. Nonetheless, I really like the changing colors and the way your describe them, esp. “shine leafy green”. :)

This seems unnecessary since her mum mentions her purring in the next line:

“I'm making that purring noise hybrids make”

“I get the urge to shove my face in the bowl and gorge,”

Okay the line above is a bit of a turn-off I have to say. Every time she thinks something like this, I hear ’I can’t control myself!’ ‘I’m a soft-animal-instinct-silly-girl object!’. It’s unnecessary too, you already said the syrup made her mouth “explode with excitement”… Maybe she just tells herself she needs to stay calm and cool and in control?

This is condescending:

“"Oh well done, I've never known a girl to be so good at this.”

But I’m sure you intended that. ;)

Interesting how important it is to Kristin that she maintains her apparent ‘inferiority’ to her male date. It seems important to the structure of your society too. I’m getting the sense that Gannon’s masculinity might shrink away and disappear if it isn’t constantly puffed up artificially by fictions:

“I honestly don't think he can beat me if we make it a competition, but of course I won't say that. I want him to feel welcome and relaxed in my home.”

There’s also something so sad about a society that would raise a female to believe this. Of course, that’s 99% of human social history. ;)

Oh gods, please don’t do this!:

““And we do have an eating contest.””

And the story continues… There is a lot here that, as I have said multiple times, isn’t exactly my thing. But nonetheless, your work is very unique and surprising and certainly diverting. I enjoyed this quite a bit. :D

Very best,

mbw
1/14/2016 c1 6Victoria Best
Hello!

I enjoyed this first chapter. I think you've done great in terms of setting up the plot, introducing the characters and building and developing your world. Great job for fitting so much in without it feeling like too much in a short space. You've got the balance just right.

"Even a strange green teen." Nice sentence. Straight away, we learn that Kristin is not an ordinary girl, and it brings immediate action and intrigue into the story.

"Garish red lipstick / I'm not your typical girl." I think the second half needs to be on its own paragraph. You go from makeup, to talking about how she isn't human, which is a very large jump. I would recommend breaking the sections into two separate paragraphs and maybe smoothing it over or putting in a sentence to connect the two together so that it flows naturally, without feeling disjointed.

Interesting idea with the breeders. Great world-building overall, very unique and well-developed ideas, and it certainly encouraged me to read more!

Thanks so much, Shirley." This was a strong sentence because it allowed us to see Kristin's personality without it being explicitly spoon-fed to us. She's got confidence and inner strength, and these traits have certainly made her a strong, likeable character, and I can already tell I will enjoy reading about her. This also tells us a lot about the world she lives in, as most likely the reason her remark was so fast was because of the amount of times she has experienced people putting her down because of her green skin. So as well as showing us her personality, it also says a lot about the world she lives in.

"The lady at the till is giving me an odd look." This scene was quite powerful, especially when she moves away to prove that she isn't stealing. Again, it's a nice way of showing us exactly what she has to go through on a daily basis.

"I wish my voice wasn't so low and coarse. I wish I could think of something interesting to say." I liked this line. Very raw, real thought process.

"Could she be pregnant?" It's great that you go back to this idea of her almost obsession with babies and pregnancy, here hinted in the way it's one of the first things she thinks about when she sees Emily.

Okay, I get that you are trying to give us a lot of information about the world, however the period from "the extremely superior hominid" down to "the vp news presenter continues" just felt like solid, unbroken infoloading and felt tiring to read, especially as we already had some information higher up about it when she tells us about 'the breeder programme.'

"It's driving me wild." It took me a good few seconds to get that she meant this that he smelt good, not bad.

"He cares about me and he's here. I don't want to let him go." Lovely way to finish the chapter! This sentence is so simple, so subtle, yet really shows us the love she feels for Gannon, understandably so because he is so far the only person to show her kindness in this bleak, prejudiced world. I am looking forward to reading more about them and what you have planned for them, and I hope you are not going to break out hearts with this story, because I think that their relationship is a little too good to be true to exist in such a world. If this makes me cry I'm not going to be happy ;) We'll see.

Overall, fantastic start, with mystery, action, intricate characters and a wonderful world. Keep writing!
9/16/2015 c1 13alltheeagles
RG EF Rule 10 review

I've read a few of your pieces so the green skin isn't so much a novelty to me, though it would be to a first-time reader. I think the real issue is marginalisation? Cause Kirstin is being treated much as an ethnic (or migrant) minority would. I guess I like that it's not too in your face. I also like that the story is complicated from the start. You raise many questions straight off: Is Kirstin really attracted to Gannon, or will any male do given her urges? Is Gannon aware of her attraction? Will HAM stand in the way of true love? All these questions set up a situation that drives readers to want to know more.
8/16/2015 c3 4lookingwest
Hmm, I suppose there's a bleak outlook towards the ending here of this chapter about the work that feminism has done over time. I'd almost hope that feminism has come far enough in the future that there *aren't* still rigid gender roles that expect men not to be maternal, but it doesn't seem like that's happened. Sad times, lol. I wonder what progress *has* been made in areas of race, class, and gender. While this future isn't dystopian, it's kind of a downer in the sense that I don't feel any progress at all has been made in those areas in society. Seems we're where we are now.

I agree with Graham about the sci-fi touches to the setting in this chapter. I really liked how you brought the setting to life, literally, with the GEBs and even the jellyfish in the pool.

I'm still not sure about Gannon. He seems like he's much too interested in sports, and I can't help but still carry over my bad impression of him from before when he really didn't want to hang out with Kristin and only decided to because of her father. I'm wary he's still using her. While he was pleasant enough in this chapter, I can't help but remember how he was treating her before.

Pacing-wise, this chapter drug for me a little bit towards the end when we go back to school and she gets sent to the nurse. I feel though, that that section is important because we're getting more plot foreshadow and information at the end. I'm just wondering if we could skip the in-classroom scene and just start at the nurse's office right away - then maybe a sentence or two about why she's there. I don't know if I really *need* to see all the kids making fun of her, since we're *told* about it so often in the story and I'm inclined to take Kristin and her parents' word on it. Plus there's the showing in the first chap. Anyway, just things to think about. Great chap overall, thanks for the read.
8/3/2015 c1 14Shampoo Suicide
Opening wasn't super engaging for me, but I think that's an easy fix. Perhaps move the bit about the genetic experiment closer to the beginning...maybe mention the green skin along with her being "any teen girl", and I think it's a solid hook.

The voice in this is pretty spot on for character age, and it's compelling too. It feels sort of fourth wall breaking at times, which I actually like, but it sort of varies in tone throughout to. It worked for me, though, I'd say.

Kristin's an intriguing character. She's very much a teen girl, despite her differences and difficult circumstances and I like that a lot because it feels so real. Like you're trying to make a deeper point with her obvious differences, like it's political you know? I think that's very interesting.

Anyway, I love the very real girl-ness to her, the fact that she's self depricating and a bit bubbly and young seeming. It really stood out to me especially when she was with her friends or remarking on her appearance, it felt like a "normal" girl talking which is why it struck me that the green skin must hold deeper meaning.

The other themes explored are interesting too. The genetic experiment aspect, obviously, is deeply compelling and I love how easily you manage to intertwine this part of the story with the other aspects of Kristin's character. This all makes for an engaging, enjoyable opening chapter for sure!
7/27/2015 c2 2Jalux
Gannon was well-written as a character, definitely seem like just a nice person trying to help others. I mean these characters are mind-blowing but they are always likable and work in most stories. Dialogue is good for the most part, definitely some lines convey her emotions very well. Appreciated the extra insight into the world this chapter, definitely looks like you put the effort in!
7/25/2015 c1 28mikey magee
Opening: I thought the opening was a little bland. The first line, with Kristen introducing herself seemed cliché. Perhaps it might work better if you found another way to introduce your main character, and just skipped the first line all together and went with the second one. I thought the second line was a better hook.

Other: While I do like the first person narrative, I felt like the writing was keeping me at a distance. For example, while Kristin was looking around the baby section, thinking about babies, I felt like this could have been a great place to explain why she (personally, or genetically) was feeling the way she did. Does she feel having a child will fill some hole inside of her? It's an interesting facet of her character that I would love to see explored more.

Scene: You do a great job of the iceberg technique. Showing only the kind of info about Kristin that is necessary. You filled in subtle points and relationships (like how rude Shirley was) at the perfect places. It was a really nice balance. It would be cool if you expanded on the scene with Kristen and her baby doll. Perhaps a few lines of how she felt when Shirley teased her about her baby doll, and how the overall experience made her feel at that age. I think it could lead to some interesting truths about Kristen.

Writing: Some of the imagery was really nice. Like how she meets the HAM members and she "feels like she's in cold water". That was a wonderful image and really showcased how she was feeling. Well done!
7/25/2015 c2 20Ventracere
Gannon is a good guy. I liked how you flushed out his character a little bit more here, he's humble to add on with the idea that he's brave. It gives him a bit more dimension as well as make him seem a little more realistic. Something else I liked was how you showed that Kristin isn't afraid of bribery - haha, to make sure that she could see Gannon again. She's definitely not the cliche heroine. The same goes for Gannon who is swayed by the idea of going to an athletic event. It's sweet and classic, haha, definitely something I liked.

Another thing I liked was the pacing. You've certianly slowed everything down a bit from the first chapter. With the slower pacing, we get to see a bit more of Gannon and Kristin's interactions - and make them more realistic while you're at it. Watching her interact with her dad was also sweet and touching as well.

Thanks for the read!
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