for Wind Warrior7/2/2015 c34 RougeBaron
Alright, the story ends in a happy ending for everybody and a cliffhanger for possible sequel. I'd love to see a sequel. I think Aeron deserves a promotion for what he did in the last few chapters: saving his fellow soldiers and beat the werewolves. Siana should go out with Bevan because they're cute together (sorry, can't resist taking a jab at these nosy Talwydd people...)
So in summary:
Good points:
- Original story and plot with some original imaginative magic and monsters
- The action scenes are not limited to "get out and shoot everthing that moves" formula a la video games. There are intelligence gathering, hold position, patrol, scramble, attack points. Great variety of mission objectives.
- Some missions are results from the previous missions. This is a great way to tie in chapters together. The flow of the story is smooth.
- Nice nice nice battle scenes. All action scenes are very well written.
Things need works:
- Need more understanding of military structure. If this story is about a band of pirates or mercenaries, I wouldn't give a damn. But this is about a military unit, and any military unit in any part of the world at any time has to have a strict chain of command. They live, eat, sleep, poop discipline. Without discipline and order, they are not real military. They're just pirates, or maybe mercenaries. Even mercenaries have to have order and discipline at some degree.
- Need more detail introduction of the universe, kinds of magic and technology used in the story, types of monsters, and overal "mechanic" of the story. Some introduction to the background is done in a very clever way, but it's too short. I don't know what a Gwyneth (or whatever its name is) is until Chapter 20 ish.
- The Aeron-Kenna-Sianna love triangle is a great idea, but as it stands now it is underdeveloped. It has sparks when Kenna shows signs of jealousy at the game, but after that everything just disappears. Then it has sparks again when Siana rejected Aeron's move, then it disappears again until Aeron and Kenna have a romp at the hotel, and even then Siana is not brought up. So if you want to have this subplot, think of how to make it more engaging. If you don't, then maybe just scrap this subplot and focus on Aeron-Kenna relationship.
- Kenna is way underdeveloped. She is supposed to be the main character or at least the primary supporting character, but it feels like she's just a "trophy" girlfriend of Aeron. Other supporting characters like Lt. Anderson, Siana, Catrina, Bevan, Conall have their spotlight. Kenna doesn't have any. So it'll be nice to have one or two chapters dedicated just for her.
- I know you're probably bored to death about me saying this, but I'll say it again: don't mix two or three scenes that don't have anything to do with each other in one chapter. It takes away the mood. You can mix 2 or 3 scenes if they have relation to each other. For example: scene 1 Aeron goes to the bathroom, scene 2 Aeron complains about the toilet getting clogged, scene 3 Aeron and Cadoc fight over who clogged the toilet. This is fine because the scenes are related.
There, I've done it. I'll see what you do with it, or if you decide to write a sequel.
Alright, the story ends in a happy ending for everybody and a cliffhanger for possible sequel. I'd love to see a sequel. I think Aeron deserves a promotion for what he did in the last few chapters: saving his fellow soldiers and beat the werewolves. Siana should go out with Bevan because they're cute together (sorry, can't resist taking a jab at these nosy Talwydd people...)
So in summary:
Good points:
- Original story and plot with some original imaginative magic and monsters
- The action scenes are not limited to "get out and shoot everthing that moves" formula a la video games. There are intelligence gathering, hold position, patrol, scramble, attack points. Great variety of mission objectives.
- Some missions are results from the previous missions. This is a great way to tie in chapters together. The flow of the story is smooth.
- Nice nice nice battle scenes. All action scenes are very well written.
Things need works:
- Need more understanding of military structure. If this story is about a band of pirates or mercenaries, I wouldn't give a damn. But this is about a military unit, and any military unit in any part of the world at any time has to have a strict chain of command. They live, eat, sleep, poop discipline. Without discipline and order, they are not real military. They're just pirates, or maybe mercenaries. Even mercenaries have to have order and discipline at some degree.
- Need more detail introduction of the universe, kinds of magic and technology used in the story, types of monsters, and overal "mechanic" of the story. Some introduction to the background is done in a very clever way, but it's too short. I don't know what a Gwyneth (or whatever its name is) is until Chapter 20 ish.
- The Aeron-Kenna-Sianna love triangle is a great idea, but as it stands now it is underdeveloped. It has sparks when Kenna shows signs of jealousy at the game, but after that everything just disappears. Then it has sparks again when Siana rejected Aeron's move, then it disappears again until Aeron and Kenna have a romp at the hotel, and even then Siana is not brought up. So if you want to have this subplot, think of how to make it more engaging. If you don't, then maybe just scrap this subplot and focus on Aeron-Kenna relationship.
- Kenna is way underdeveloped. She is supposed to be the main character or at least the primary supporting character, but it feels like she's just a "trophy" girlfriend of Aeron. Other supporting characters like Lt. Anderson, Siana, Catrina, Bevan, Conall have their spotlight. Kenna doesn't have any. So it'll be nice to have one or two chapters dedicated just for her.
- I know you're probably bored to death about me saying this, but I'll say it again: don't mix two or three scenes that don't have anything to do with each other in one chapter. It takes away the mood. You can mix 2 or 3 scenes if they have relation to each other. For example: scene 1 Aeron goes to the bathroom, scene 2 Aeron complains about the toilet getting clogged, scene 3 Aeron and Cadoc fight over who clogged the toilet. This is fine because the scenes are related.
There, I've done it. I'll see what you do with it, or if you decide to write a sequel.
7/2/2015 c33 RougeBaron
This is not what I imagine the story would end, but there's some really cool imagination in it. So the black titan guy is actually a collective ghost. Like The Legion from the Bible. That is very cool. I wouldn't guess it. I'd say that's the best original "monster" in this story. Werewolves are overdone. Everybody has vampires and werewolves. But this collecitve ghost is classic.
Now that I learnt the entire history of the Talwydd people and the collective ghost, I wonder: why didn't the collective ghost tell people about Unster's attrocity in the first place? This entire civil war could've been avoided if they did this "mental slide show" *before* the civil war started. So what's the purpose of putting the "black mist" into the animals? Don't get me wrong, it's very cool the story ends this way. But something is missing and needs to be explained in a bit more detail.
This is not what I imagine the story would end, but there's some really cool imagination in it. So the black titan guy is actually a collective ghost. Like The Legion from the Bible. That is very cool. I wouldn't guess it. I'd say that's the best original "monster" in this story. Werewolves are overdone. Everybody has vampires and werewolves. But this collecitve ghost is classic.
Now that I learnt the entire history of the Talwydd people and the collective ghost, I wonder: why didn't the collective ghost tell people about Unster's attrocity in the first place? This entire civil war could've been avoided if they did this "mental slide show" *before* the civil war started. So what's the purpose of putting the "black mist" into the animals? Don't get me wrong, it's very cool the story ends this way. But something is missing and needs to be explained in a bit more detail.
7/2/2015 c32 RougeBaron
Now this is the way an action scene should be written. Violence, determination, savagery, blood, detail surrounding, the sound of the weapons, and soldiers who don't quit until the last drop of blood is spilled. This is what I've been waiting to see from the main characters for the entire story: the grit and determination to win. It's coming a bit late but worth the wait.
Excellent chapter to finish up the story.
Now this is the way an action scene should be written. Violence, determination, savagery, blood, detail surrounding, the sound of the weapons, and soldiers who don't quit until the last drop of blood is spilled. This is what I've been waiting to see from the main characters for the entire story: the grit and determination to win. It's coming a bit late but worth the wait.
Excellent chapter to finish up the story.
7/1/2015 c31 RougeBaron
For 30 and 31
This is like a Mexican Standoff: 3-way battle between the mage force, rebels, and the animals. I want to say that the timing is a bit off; the animals should've waited until the mage force and the rebels finish fighting. But they are animals, so they might not have read The Art of War by Sun Tzu :lol: So yeah, it's fine this way.
For a climatic battle, nothing like a chaotic battle scene where everybody hits everybody else. It's a bar fight, except that when you get hit you'll die. Everybody has a piece of action. I like it that nobody has long air time up to this point. It gives a feeling that the battle is fought everywhere by everybody, not just the main character. Granted Aeron is the main character and he has to have a longer air time than everybody else, but that can come later (on the next chapter, I pressume). These 2 chapters just tell the story of the battle in general, and they do a good job.
For 30 and 31
This is like a Mexican Standoff: 3-way battle between the mage force, rebels, and the animals. I want to say that the timing is a bit off; the animals should've waited until the mage force and the rebels finish fighting. But they are animals, so they might not have read The Art of War by Sun Tzu :lol: So yeah, it's fine this way.
For a climatic battle, nothing like a chaotic battle scene where everybody hits everybody else. It's a bar fight, except that when you get hit you'll die. Everybody has a piece of action. I like it that nobody has long air time up to this point. It gives a feeling that the battle is fought everywhere by everybody, not just the main character. Granted Aeron is the main character and he has to have a longer air time than everybody else, but that can come later (on the next chapter, I pressume). These 2 chapters just tell the story of the battle in general, and they do a good job.
7/1/2015 c29 RougeBaron
Good action scene overall. I like the urban fighting from infantry's point of view. I'm so used to urban fighting from mech's point of view I forgot how it is to be a foot soldier. This is a nice description to it. Kinda reminds me that not everything is battlemech size.
And once again Aeron has an idea and wouldn't share with his fellow soldiers. He had an idea that could potentially kill his teammate, and he didn't share it because if he did nobody would want to help him out. I kinda back and forth about this, but at the end of the day I'd prefer a mediocre team player who care about his teammate, than an awesomely badass maverick who wants all the glory for himself. I don't know, that's just me. If you like Aeron this way, then fine. I'll settle with it and move on.
I want to say sorry for Siana but really I'm not. IMHO she brought everything upon herself. Now she has to live with guilt without a chance to fix it. Yeah, well.
Good action scene overall. I like the urban fighting from infantry's point of view. I'm so used to urban fighting from mech's point of view I forgot how it is to be a foot soldier. This is a nice description to it. Kinda reminds me that not everything is battlemech size.
And once again Aeron has an idea and wouldn't share with his fellow soldiers. He had an idea that could potentially kill his teammate, and he didn't share it because if he did nobody would want to help him out. I kinda back and forth about this, but at the end of the day I'd prefer a mediocre team player who care about his teammate, than an awesomely badass maverick who wants all the glory for himself. I don't know, that's just me. If you like Aeron this way, then fine. I'll settle with it and move on.
I want to say sorry for Siana but really I'm not. IMHO she brought everything upon herself. Now she has to live with guilt without a chance to fix it. Yeah, well.
6/30/2015 c34 
1Tomoyuki Tanaka
As I said, awesome epilogue, and since you've followed my advice to put in stuff about Siana and the werewolves, there is nothing more for me to say except AWESOME!
Been a fun ride, as I said, and now looking forward to the next draft. Argh. I don't know, actually. Ha ha. It's like reading the entire story all over again.
1Tomoyuki TanakaAs I said, awesome epilogue, and since you've followed my advice to put in stuff about Siana and the werewolves, there is nothing more for me to say except AWESOME!
Been a fun ride, as I said, and now looking forward to the next draft. Argh. I don't know, actually. Ha ha. It's like reading the entire story all over again.
6/30/2015 c33 Tomoyuki Tanaka
Yeah, this ended well, a lot better than the version where everyone just decides to listen to Anderson and Siana for no good reason. :D Great, this sounds much more convincing, and having the Spirit provide visions gives it a reason to exist, and allows it to actually force some change on the Ascendancy.
Kind of sad that the story is now over, it had been a great ride, and I enjoyed reading it. I still like the first version where humans united to fight the Spirit and monsters, and Aodhagan did some epic battle with the Spirit at the end, but oh well. Whatever. :)
Good luck for your next story! Or the next draft! Don't forget about Griselda and her death this time. She just "vanished" after a while. Same with Cadoc.
Yeah, this ended well, a lot better than the version where everyone just decides to listen to Anderson and Siana for no good reason. :D Great, this sounds much more convincing, and having the Spirit provide visions gives it a reason to exist, and allows it to actually force some change on the Ascendancy.
Kind of sad that the story is now over, it had been a great ride, and I enjoyed reading it. I still like the first version where humans united to fight the Spirit and monsters, and Aodhagan did some epic battle with the Spirit at the end, but oh well. Whatever. :)
Good luck for your next story! Or the next draft! Don't forget about Griselda and her death this time. She just "vanished" after a while. Same with Cadoc.
6/30/2015 c28 RogueBaron
Leaving the wounded in the battlefield? What the hell is Bythell thinking? No, no, no! The wounded go back to the infirmary, period! If Bythell is worried of spreading thin between Golau and the marshland, then follow Supreme Magus order and give up the marshland. Under no circumstances you can leave your wounded soldiers on the battlefield. That is NOT the way to run an army, least of all a general.
And you write this scene following somebody else's advice?
Instead of listening to different people giving you different advices, I suggest you read Bands of Brothers and see what Captain / Major / Colonel Richard Winters did during WWII in German. Or read We Were Soldiers Once and see what Colonel Hal Moore did during the Battle of Ia Drang in Vietnam. Those two were prime examples of how a military commander should act during war. And I need to point out that Major Bruce "Snakeshit" Crandall won a Medal of Honor during Battle of Ia Drang for running 22 sorties a day transporting the wounded back to the infirmary. Not because he was an awesome pilot (which he was), not because he was recklessly brave to the point of being a Mary Sue (which he was), but because he saved a lot of soldiers, especially the wounded.
Save the wounded, man. Don't leave them in the battlefield.
Leaving the wounded in the battlefield? What the hell is Bythell thinking? No, no, no! The wounded go back to the infirmary, period! If Bythell is worried of spreading thin between Golau and the marshland, then follow Supreme Magus order and give up the marshland. Under no circumstances you can leave your wounded soldiers on the battlefield. That is NOT the way to run an army, least of all a general.
And you write this scene following somebody else's advice?
Instead of listening to different people giving you different advices, I suggest you read Bands of Brothers and see what Captain / Major / Colonel Richard Winters did during WWII in German. Or read We Were Soldiers Once and see what Colonel Hal Moore did during the Battle of Ia Drang in Vietnam. Those two were prime examples of how a military commander should act during war. And I need to point out that Major Bruce "Snakeshit" Crandall won a Medal of Honor during Battle of Ia Drang for running 22 sorties a day transporting the wounded back to the infirmary. Not because he was an awesome pilot (which he was), not because he was recklessly brave to the point of being a Mary Sue (which he was), but because he saved a lot of soldiers, especially the wounded.
Save the wounded, man. Don't leave them in the battlefield.
6/30/2015 c27 RougeBaron
For Ch.26, 27, and part of 28
Good plan from the start. The intel that brought info about the city hall undefended and the mage force going to the marsh did a good job. It gives the rebel a chance to strike the city hall at the perfect time. But they should've reported that now the city hall was defended by Gwyneth (or whatever their name is). This oversight cost the rebels a lot of good people, including Craig. So I think the intel should get a medal and courtmartialed at the same time. I don't know if it's even possible.
I like it that Aeron started taking charge, and save people's lives instead of charging forward like a hog. There's no shame in running away from a battle you can't win. Again, from The Art of War: a good leader knows when to attack and when to retreat. He knows that he can't win against the Gwyneth, so he retreats and take some survivors with him. Excellent move. It may not be the bravest, Mary-Sue-est move but it would sure give him respect from his men.
I love Craig's death scene. You don't play the gore card very often but this one is at the perfect place at the perfect time.
For Ch.26, 27, and part of 28
Good plan from the start. The intel that brought info about the city hall undefended and the mage force going to the marsh did a good job. It gives the rebel a chance to strike the city hall at the perfect time. But they should've reported that now the city hall was defended by Gwyneth (or whatever their name is). This oversight cost the rebels a lot of good people, including Craig. So I think the intel should get a medal and courtmartialed at the same time. I don't know if it's even possible.
I like it that Aeron started taking charge, and save people's lives instead of charging forward like a hog. There's no shame in running away from a battle you can't win. Again, from The Art of War: a good leader knows when to attack and when to retreat. He knows that he can't win against the Gwyneth, so he retreats and take some survivors with him. Excellent move. It may not be the bravest, Mary-Sue-est move but it would sure give him respect from his men.
I love Craig's death scene. You don't play the gore card very often but this one is at the perfect place at the perfect time.
6/29/2015 c24 RougeBaron
OK so this is how the rebels finds out if the "POWs" are telling the truth: by a psycho named Firtha. Still, they should've done *this* before they offer Aeron and Kenna to join them.
Overall good progress, although the transition of Aeron and Kenna from mage force to this is too fast. But whatever, now they are in the rebel side. I'm interested in knowing what they *think* about their changing sides. Does it serve their conscience right? Are they happy with their decision? Do they think they do the right thing? I will see if this is covered in the next several chapters.
OK so this is how the rebels finds out if the "POWs" are telling the truth: by a psycho named Firtha. Still, they should've done *this* before they offer Aeron and Kenna to join them.
Overall good progress, although the transition of Aeron and Kenna from mage force to this is too fast. But whatever, now they are in the rebel side. I'm interested in knowing what they *think* about their changing sides. Does it serve their conscience right? Are they happy with their decision? Do they think they do the right thing? I will see if this is covered in the next several chapters.
6/29/2015 c23 RougeBaron
Once again, this is way too fast. I understand that Aeron will *eventually* joins the rebels, but it doesn't mean that he should throw himself to somebody that claims to be the rebels. They are in a state of war. You can not switch sides just by 2 sentences. First of all, Aeron confesses he's a mage. The rebels are fighting the mages. Why should they believe Aeron? What if Aeron is actually a mage spy? He's not, but the rebels don't know that yet. They never met Aeron before. Second of all, Aeron doesn't know about the man either. He says he's with the rebellion, but what if he's not? How can he be sure that the man is trully with the rebellion?
That "take your chance in the woods or come with me" doesn't cut it either. Here he has 2 enemy soldiers in his hands, and he's thinking of letting them go? What is he, Dalai Lama? If I were the rebel, I would torture them for information before I offer him a chance to switch side. First, I need to find out who Aeron and Kenna really are. If they are what they say they are, then I'll try to offer them a chance to switch side. But first, I will have info from them, see what they know about the mage's strategy. Remember what Sun Tzu said in The Art of War: information is winning half of the war. You read this book, don't you?
I think you need at least half a chapter to solve these trust issues before Aeron switches side. If you don't want a torture scene, fine. But use something else so it doesn't feel rushed. Don't rush to the end situation just because you know what the end situation will be. Write the story as if you are the readers: assume you don't know what the end situation will be. Make every step clear and logical.
Once again, this is way too fast. I understand that Aeron will *eventually* joins the rebels, but it doesn't mean that he should throw himself to somebody that claims to be the rebels. They are in a state of war. You can not switch sides just by 2 sentences. First of all, Aeron confesses he's a mage. The rebels are fighting the mages. Why should they believe Aeron? What if Aeron is actually a mage spy? He's not, but the rebels don't know that yet. They never met Aeron before. Second of all, Aeron doesn't know about the man either. He says he's with the rebellion, but what if he's not? How can he be sure that the man is trully with the rebellion?
That "take your chance in the woods or come with me" doesn't cut it either. Here he has 2 enemy soldiers in his hands, and he's thinking of letting them go? What is he, Dalai Lama? If I were the rebel, I would torture them for information before I offer him a chance to switch side. First, I need to find out who Aeron and Kenna really are. If they are what they say they are, then I'll try to offer them a chance to switch side. But first, I will have info from them, see what they know about the mage's strategy. Remember what Sun Tzu said in The Art of War: information is winning half of the war. You read this book, don't you?
I think you need at least half a chapter to solve these trust issues before Aeron switches side. If you don't want a torture scene, fine. But use something else so it doesn't feel rushed. Don't rush to the end situation just because you know what the end situation will be. Write the story as if you are the readers: assume you don't know what the end situation will be. Make every step clear and logical.
6/28/2015 c32 Tomoyuki Tanaka
What a great climactic fight scene, and great to finally see Aeron defeat his nemesis. Ha ha, sort of sad that Conall had to die, but hey, he was a villain. And all villains die. This is pretty climatic, and if I recall, the Spirit shows up next after they capture Aodhagan. Yay.
Not sure what else there is to say, it was a great ride, a great battle scene, pretty epic. YYou do tend to gloss over the characters' losses like Siana or Cadoc like forgetting they are human, or that they existed, but you'll going to replace Kenna with Cadoc in the druid island to make him more relevant. And yeah, I asked you before too, what was Kenna doing on the island when she wasn't injured, and you told me "for plot reasons". I wasn't satisfied with that answer, but hey, you're the writer. Glad you finally saw the light for that one. Plus the love triangle wasn't done very well. And now Siana's loss is just being glossed over (even if she mentions it in front of everyone, it doesn't feel natural, y'know? We didn't see her suffering, didn't see her react much to it except for running out and crying before suddenly regaining her fortitude). I think you just need to work on those issues. Other than that the story is great.
What a great climactic fight scene, and great to finally see Aeron defeat his nemesis. Ha ha, sort of sad that Conall had to die, but hey, he was a villain. And all villains die. This is pretty climatic, and if I recall, the Spirit shows up next after they capture Aodhagan. Yay.
Not sure what else there is to say, it was a great ride, a great battle scene, pretty epic. YYou do tend to gloss over the characters' losses like Siana or Cadoc like forgetting they are human, or that they existed, but you'll going to replace Kenna with Cadoc in the druid island to make him more relevant. And yeah, I asked you before too, what was Kenna doing on the island when she wasn't injured, and you told me "for plot reasons". I wasn't satisfied with that answer, but hey, you're the writer. Glad you finally saw the light for that one. Plus the love triangle wasn't done very well. And now Siana's loss is just being glossed over (even if she mentions it in front of everyone, it doesn't feel natural, y'know? We didn't see her suffering, didn't see her react much to it except for running out and crying before suddenly regaining her fortitude). I think you just need to work on those issues. Other than that the story is great.
6/28/2015 c31 Tomoyuki Tanaka
Hell yeah, Aeron vs. Conall incoming! The rematch is great! I can't wait! Well, it's the next chapter so I'll be reading it soon. Anyway, good to see the Ascendancy in ascendancy, at least Anderson and friends are driving the monsters out of the city.
Hell yeah, Aeron vs. Conall incoming! The rematch is great! I can't wait! Well, it's the next chapter so I'll be reading it soon. Anyway, good to see the Ascendancy in ascendancy, at least Anderson and friends are driving the monsters out of the city.
6/28/2015 c30 Tomoyuki Tanaka
Non-stop action! Yay! Not much to say here, especially since I have to type and review 4 chapters in one go (I am extremely busy, sorry), so I think it's great and the action sequences flow smoothly. No problems from what I can see here.
Non-stop action! Yay! Not much to say here, especially since I have to type and review 4 chapters in one go (I am extremely busy, sorry), so I think it's great and the action sequences flow smoothly. No problems from what I can see here.
6/28/2015 c29 Tomoyuki Tanaka
Great chapter as always, Aeron's getting really good at fighting Gwyllions, you kind of took my advice for the Red Werewolf sniper scene (Aeron objecting to killing the guy), and at least you've gotten Siana in here unlike the first time where you completely forgot about her existence (ha ha ha ha!). I guess nothing to say except thumbs up! I do think you're just glossing over Siana's loss, though. I mean, the impact of her loss doesn't feel real or strong enough, and she recovered too quickly and too unrealistically. She just lost her parents, and that's right after the last time they "met" she refused to see them or talk to them! She's bound to feel endless regret, but we don't see any regret here, just her "fortitude". It makes her...I dunno, not human? How can she just brush off her parents' death to the side just like that? That kind of feeling.
Great chapter as always, Aeron's getting really good at fighting Gwyllions, you kind of took my advice for the Red Werewolf sniper scene (Aeron objecting to killing the guy), and at least you've gotten Siana in here unlike the first time where you completely forgot about her existence (ha ha ha ha!). I guess nothing to say except thumbs up! I do think you're just glossing over Siana's loss, though. I mean, the impact of her loss doesn't feel real or strong enough, and she recovered too quickly and too unrealistically. She just lost her parents, and that's right after the last time they "met" she refused to see them or talk to them! She's bound to feel endless regret, but we don't see any regret here, just her "fortitude". It makes her...I dunno, not human? How can she just brush off her parents' death to the side just like that? That kind of feeling.