6/22/2015 c1 2Yannick
I liked the premise of your piece. I often find myself enjoying narration that captures fleeting moments.

Your writing itself, technically is very good, but it lacks the feeling and effortlessness that pieces like these need to have in order to be more than just good. It feels almost like you had the electrifying scene playing in your head and tried to transcribe it exactly as you envisioned it. Unfortunately it didn't come out as eloquently as you or I would have liked.

I think... to use your snapshot analogy, that there are as many different writing styles as there are cameras and photographers. While there are different ways of capturing one scene, sometimes one particular style lends itself to it more than others. This is just a case of someone taking a photograph with a digital where film might have been better (or vice versa). It only takes practice.

Also, with a narrative as short as this, each piece of dialogue counts. It might have been more beneficial to use the contraction of "we will" if you had already written "don't" earlier to keep it consistent.

Looking forward to see more from you.