for Cigarette Pack full of M&Ms7/7/2015 c1 
2Yannick
So very cute. I loved the dialogue. Their interaction felt very natural, even though I knew how it would turn out, and I credit that to your skills as an author. Very few people can flesh out a character with only dialogue, but I feel intimate with the two already. Brenden's subtle boyish charm and that he was already smitten was revealed in that "I try to give poor innocent good girls..." line and that he blushed. I liked that you saw a lot of Kally's character when she admitted to having tried to turn a 'bad boy' before. Though now I'm just gushing.
Apart from the dialogue, though, the build-up to the date could have been worked on a little more. As it stands, I didn't feel the little bit of excitement and annoying nervousness Kally might have felt leading up to it. I especially didn't feel the disappointment or anger that she should have felt when he didn't show up.
Maybe, if you ever feel like it, you could re-write it. Keeping the dialogue, and instead shift the rest of the story around it, keeping their meeting as the focus.
If you ever write another like this with dialogue as the focus, do let me know, I'd love to read it and leave you another review. Hope others read this and enjoy it as I did!
2YannickSo very cute. I loved the dialogue. Their interaction felt very natural, even though I knew how it would turn out, and I credit that to your skills as an author. Very few people can flesh out a character with only dialogue, but I feel intimate with the two already. Brenden's subtle boyish charm and that he was already smitten was revealed in that "I try to give poor innocent good girls..." line and that he blushed. I liked that you saw a lot of Kally's character when she admitted to having tried to turn a 'bad boy' before. Though now I'm just gushing.
Apart from the dialogue, though, the build-up to the date could have been worked on a little more. As it stands, I didn't feel the little bit of excitement and annoying nervousness Kally might have felt leading up to it. I especially didn't feel the disappointment or anger that she should have felt when he didn't show up.
Maybe, if you ever feel like it, you could re-write it. Keeping the dialogue, and instead shift the rest of the story around it, keeping their meeting as the focus.
If you ever write another like this with dialogue as the focus, do let me know, I'd love to read it and leave you another review. Hope others read this and enjoy it as I did!