for Leading A Pretentious Life8/18/2015 c20 
8LorrahBear
I enjoyed the view into how they are becoming more of a family. I look forward to them getting some action flowing!
8LorrahBearI enjoyed the view into how they are becoming more of a family. I look forward to them getting some action flowing!
8/18/2015 c18 LorrahBear
That was really sweet of her to get the Ireland items.
I haven't said it in a while tonight, but I am *so* impressed with how much your writing has improved. It is so much easier to read, and very pleasant. I look forward to more!
That was really sweet of her to get the Ireland items.
I haven't said it in a while tonight, but I am *so* impressed with how much your writing has improved. It is so much easier to read, and very pleasant. I look forward to more!
8/18/2015 c17 LorrahBear
I found it unreasonable that she would run after he got a call - they could have easily gone to a different restaurant (although I could understand her frustration).
Need more kissing!
I found it unreasonable that she would run after he got a call - they could have easily gone to a different restaurant (although I could understand her frustration).
Need more kissing!
8/18/2015 c16 LorrahBear
Finally, kisses!
Homeslice needs to not throw pillows at the beautiful woman he's just started kissing in his bed...
Love it!
Finally, kisses!
Homeslice needs to not throw pillows at the beautiful woman he's just started kissing in his bed...
Love it!
8/18/2015 c15 LorrahBear
Just make out already!
Okay, now that I got that out of my system, I am glad they are getting closer together. I was very confused about who or what Ireland was (is this a person (woman's?) name, or is he literally talking about the country?).
Just make out already!
Okay, now that I got that out of my system, I am glad they are getting closer together. I was very confused about who or what Ireland was (is this a person (woman's?) name, or is he literally talking about the country?).
8/18/2015 c14 LorrahBear
I had a hard time telling when the walk down memory lane ended, but it was good.
I'm back to wanting to see them make out. Resisting the urge to skip ahead. I am SO ready for some progress in their relationship!
I had a hard time telling when the walk down memory lane ended, but it was good.
I'm back to wanting to see them make out. Resisting the urge to skip ahead. I am SO ready for some progress in their relationship!
8/18/2015 c13 LorrahBear
I love how they talk about the plants.
I wish there were more details during Andrews conversation with her family - just filler details. What did their voices sound like? How did they move? What was the scene?
Overall, a good chapter.
I love how they talk about the plants.
I wish there were more details during Andrews conversation with her family - just filler details. What did their voices sound like? How did they move? What was the scene?
Overall, a good chapter.
8/18/2015 c12 LorrahBear
I still wish I knew what caused the fight, or what they were fighting about. I remain so confused!
That being said, the writing is solid. Very nice.
I still wish I knew what caused the fight, or what they were fighting about. I remain so confused!
That being said, the writing is solid. Very nice.
8/18/2015 c11 LorrahBear
I have no idea what happened. One minute I was thinking "JUST MAKE OUT ALREADY" and right as I finish that thought, she's sprawled on counter-tops and breaking dishes and having a melt down. I am so confused!
I have no idea what happened. One minute I was thinking "JUST MAKE OUT ALREADY" and right as I finish that thought, she's sprawled on counter-tops and breaking dishes and having a melt down. I am so confused!
8/18/2015 c9 LorrahBear
This is absolutely the best chapter to date, especially in writing style. You did something I haven't talked about yet (at least I think so), and that is having some really solidly formatted paragraphs in terms of spacing and length. Your sentences really flow so much better, which in turn makes it so much easier to connect to your characters. I've said it so much tonight, but I am *so proud*! :)
I'm glad that Jen and Andrew are starting to at least begin communicating again. You did a great job of working out how they started talking, and made their struggle seem very realistic. Good for Jenny. Good for Andrew.
This is absolutely the best chapter to date, especially in writing style. You did something I haven't talked about yet (at least I think so), and that is having some really solidly formatted paragraphs in terms of spacing and length. Your sentences really flow so much better, which in turn makes it so much easier to connect to your characters. I've said it so much tonight, but I am *so proud*! :)
I'm glad that Jen and Andrew are starting to at least begin communicating again. You did a great job of working out how they started talking, and made their struggle seem very realistic. Good for Jenny. Good for Andrew.
8/18/2015 c8 LorrahBear
Woo! Once again, the writing was so much better - so much more polished. Lovely, lovely.
One suggestion (I know, I know!): "Immediately, the three of us got into the black car of Henry" would be more grammatically correct as "Immediately, the three of us got into Henry's black car."
Honestly though, such improvement, and I'm really enjoying this. I am *SO* proud of Jen for standing up to Andrew, even if he was in the hospital. He totally deserved to be put in his place.
Woo! Once again, the writing was so much better - so much more polished. Lovely, lovely.
One suggestion (I know, I know!): "Immediately, the three of us got into the black car of Henry" would be more grammatically correct as "Immediately, the three of us got into Henry's black car."
Honestly though, such improvement, and I'm really enjoying this. I am *SO* proud of Jen for standing up to Andrew, even if he was in the hospital. He totally deserved to be put in his place.
8/18/2015 c7 LorrahBear
Again, this is much a better chapter in terms of writing technique. I am so proud! In the span of one story, you're already making such dramatic improvements. I love it! :)
One suggestion (because who doesn't love suggestions? Okay...maybe because I'm an addict, and I can't stop): The moment when Andrew says "I can't Jenny. Don't you understand?" should probably be on the line above, as he was already talking in the previous paragraph.
On to the good stuff. I really liked this chapter because it showed Jenny making an additional effort, but then Andrew shooting it down. I was a tiny bit confused about what caused the crash (were there multiple cars flying through a red light?), but it was an excellent cliff hanger.
Again, this is much a better chapter in terms of writing technique. I am so proud! In the span of one story, you're already making such dramatic improvements. I love it! :)
One suggestion (because who doesn't love suggestions? Okay...maybe because I'm an addict, and I can't stop): The moment when Andrew says "I can't Jenny. Don't you understand?" should probably be on the line above, as he was already talking in the previous paragraph.
On to the good stuff. I really liked this chapter because it showed Jenny making an additional effort, but then Andrew shooting it down. I was a tiny bit confused about what caused the crash (were there multiple cars flying through a red light?), but it was an excellent cliff hanger.
8/18/2015 c6 LorrahBear
This is a chapter written so much better than the previous chapter. I am so proud! :)
There were a few things that were nit-picky, such as tense changes here and there, and a few awkward wordings, but overall, this was so so SO much better! All my previous suggestions about the swaps between "I" and "s/he" were totally taken care of in this chapter.
You also did a great job of building some hope - I felt so good for Jen when she decided to let herself fall for him - and then shooting it down - how dare Andrew be so callous!?
I hope he's able to break out of this - he's being emotionally cruel to her, even if he doesn't realize it.
This is a chapter written so much better than the previous chapter. I am so proud! :)
There were a few things that were nit-picky, such as tense changes here and there, and a few awkward wordings, but overall, this was so so SO much better! All my previous suggestions about the swaps between "I" and "s/he" were totally taken care of in this chapter.
You also did a great job of building some hope - I felt so good for Jen when she decided to let herself fall for him - and then shooting it down - how dare Andrew be so callous!?
I hope he's able to break out of this - he's being emotionally cruel to her, even if he doesn't realize it.
8/18/2015 c5 LorrahBear
I feel very sorry for Drew, but I enjoyed having a chapter from his point of view about their wedding. That being said, it was very difficult to understand, especially in the beginning of this chapter because you switched from saying something like "I felt bad" to "he felt bad" while still talking about Andrew in both cases.
My biggest suggestion is to choose who is telling this story once you come back for a second-draft. Either Andrew and Jen are telling the story, in which case when it's their turn, they would speak like you and I talking about our day (IE: "Dreamy D, you will never guess what *I* saw today. My cat was up and riding my puppy like it was pony! I was so shocked!") or an omnipotent narrator is telling the story (IE: "LorrahBear walked in after a long day, and was shocked to see her cat riding her puppy, as if the dog was a pony.")
Still, I look forward to learning more about how their relationship progresses!
I feel very sorry for Drew, but I enjoyed having a chapter from his point of view about their wedding. That being said, it was very difficult to understand, especially in the beginning of this chapter because you switched from saying something like "I felt bad" to "he felt bad" while still talking about Andrew in both cases.
My biggest suggestion is to choose who is telling this story once you come back for a second-draft. Either Andrew and Jen are telling the story, in which case when it's their turn, they would speak like you and I talking about our day (IE: "Dreamy D, you will never guess what *I* saw today. My cat was up and riding my puppy like it was pony! I was so shocked!") or an omnipotent narrator is telling the story (IE: "LorrahBear walked in after a long day, and was shocked to see her cat riding her puppy, as if the dog was a pony.")
Still, I look forward to learning more about how their relationship progresses!