for Under a blue-grey sky5/13/2017 c20 
4pumadelic
Easily one of my favourite chapters so far. The opening paragraph is sensitively done without over egging Rayne's condition. Yes, Cray's focus on covering up his nakedness does make emotional sense even if it isn't the most practical consideration. The conversation and his 'puppet' like state are believable and create tension. The reappearance of the Lady could have a little more shock value. Love that Rayne get's to use his magic and as usual, it adds a dreamlike sci fi quality to the story.
Again, it makes plot sense for Hayden to be their escape conduit. All that fuss you made over the bone flute present and the whistle call makes sense now. Predictably Hayden wants to leave Rayne behind: once again I believe in Cray's decision to stick with him no matter what.
4pumadelicEasily one of my favourite chapters so far. The opening paragraph is sensitively done without over egging Rayne's condition. Yes, Cray's focus on covering up his nakedness does make emotional sense even if it isn't the most practical consideration. The conversation and his 'puppet' like state are believable and create tension. The reappearance of the Lady could have a little more shock value. Love that Rayne get's to use his magic and as usual, it adds a dreamlike sci fi quality to the story.
Again, it makes plot sense for Hayden to be their escape conduit. All that fuss you made over the bone flute present and the whistle call makes sense now. Predictably Hayden wants to leave Rayne behind: once again I believe in Cray's decision to stick with him no matter what.
5/13/2017 c19 pumadelic
Whew! I would say violation is one of your strong points; that could sound less than complimentary.
The grim irony of The Lady wearing Cray's sister's face is twisted and also moving. Cresta is the driving force behind Cray's life as it is - the scars have positioned her in a certain way.
Once again, the Lady is most frightening when in action. A short sentence like 'she leans in' has more impact than all those coy giggles and child comparisons. You depict her 'face sucking' activities with shudder inducing vividness. Qyht is a terrific coinage. Vampire chi - brilliant. Again, love the bitter irony of the Lady's horrible burning tongue removing Cray's scars just to make her more beautiful and fit for consumption.
Again our enforced voyeurism of the big L's slavering cannibal rape of Rayne is genuinely nauseating - so well done. Especially considering what we know of Rayne. 'Moving sinuously in a rhythm that is both urgent and discordant' particularly good. Poor Rayne reacting in a grotesque parody of how he might actually react in giving in to sexual pleasure with an actual human being.
And, of course, Cray smashes her in with a mirror - what more fitting object. Go Cray - I love a nice gender reversed rescue!
Whew! I would say violation is one of your strong points; that could sound less than complimentary.
The grim irony of The Lady wearing Cray's sister's face is twisted and also moving. Cresta is the driving force behind Cray's life as it is - the scars have positioned her in a certain way.
Once again, the Lady is most frightening when in action. A short sentence like 'she leans in' has more impact than all those coy giggles and child comparisons. You depict her 'face sucking' activities with shudder inducing vividness. Qyht is a terrific coinage. Vampire chi - brilliant. Again, love the bitter irony of the Lady's horrible burning tongue removing Cray's scars just to make her more beautiful and fit for consumption.
Again our enforced voyeurism of the big L's slavering cannibal rape of Rayne is genuinely nauseating - so well done. Especially considering what we know of Rayne. 'Moving sinuously in a rhythm that is both urgent and discordant' particularly good. Poor Rayne reacting in a grotesque parody of how he might actually react in giving in to sexual pleasure with an actual human being.
And, of course, Cray smashes her in with a mirror - what more fitting object. Go Cray - I love a nice gender reversed rescue!
5/8/2017 c30 8Barbados
Haylden's send-off was wonderful. It hit all the right notes, tied up some things about his character, and had a significant impact on Rayne and Cray.
Superb.
And now they reach the gate - after everything they've been through, now it seems like is when the escape really begins! Wow!
Like Cray, I have faith.
This was a great chapter, and it did a good job of taking the focus off the Cray/Rayne relationship for a little while.
8BarbadosHaylden's send-off was wonderful. It hit all the right notes, tied up some things about his character, and had a significant impact on Rayne and Cray.
Superb.
And now they reach the gate - after everything they've been through, now it seems like is when the escape really begins! Wow!
Like Cray, I have faith.
This was a great chapter, and it did a good job of taking the focus off the Cray/Rayne relationship for a little while.
5/5/2017 c31 6AngryFerrets
Finally! I'd been waiting forever for Rayne to take charge and use his powers to save the day...only they fizzled out thanks to that stupid dog and then everything turns for the worse. I love how the action turns and the expected suddenly becomes the unexpected.
For example, our new companions. Very interesting these two, and that at least one of them can pull some of the same tricks as Rayne. My first thought was the older man could be his father. I can't remember now if we were ever told that his father was dead or alive. I know he left at some point and Rayne was left with his mom but iirc he simply left and wasn't killed.
A shorter chapter but full of suspense, action and surprises! Great job of packing so much into a shorter chapter, it was a great read.
6AngryFerretsFinally! I'd been waiting forever for Rayne to take charge and use his powers to save the day...only they fizzled out thanks to that stupid dog and then everything turns for the worse. I love how the action turns and the expected suddenly becomes the unexpected.
For example, our new companions. Very interesting these two, and that at least one of them can pull some of the same tricks as Rayne. My first thought was the older man could be his father. I can't remember now if we were ever told that his father was dead or alive. I know he left at some point and Rayne was left with his mom but iirc he simply left and wasn't killed.
A shorter chapter but full of suspense, action and surprises! Great job of packing so much into a shorter chapter, it was a great read.
5/2/2017 c29 8Barbados
Well, that was... vivid.
Seems like you're still playing around with the POV here and there. It was a little jarring to suddenly not be in 1st person again, but moved past it quickly.
Don't really understand the line break at the end either?
Globs and loops oozed out from behind his fingers, particularly the maimed hand - seriously dark comedy there, but it worked, I think.
A very suspenseful way to end this chapter. The death of this character does a lot for this story, but primarily (in my mind) is that it truly makes Rayne and Cray alone - now all they really do have is each other.
8BarbadosWell, that was... vivid.
Seems like you're still playing around with the POV here and there. It was a little jarring to suddenly not be in 1st person again, but moved past it quickly.
Don't really understand the line break at the end either?
Globs and loops oozed out from behind his fingers, particularly the maimed hand - seriously dark comedy there, but it worked, I think.
A very suspenseful way to end this chapter. The death of this character does a lot for this story, but primarily (in my mind) is that it truly makes Rayne and Cray alone - now all they really do have is each other.
5/1/2017 c28 Barbados
Oh, man, I was not expecting that to happen here and now.
And after wanting it to happen for so long, for it to happen like that... it's really well done. It's heart-breaking, but it feels more genuine, and I'm glad it's not like... hmmm.. "fan service," if you will. This means that when, if, it does happen - it will be that much more satisfactory and meaningful.
"I press the tear to my lips, taste the salt of his anguish." Just one of the many amazing lines in this chapter.
The only thing that threw me at the very end, and I recall this happening before, was the italicized thoughts. It hasn't really bothered me too much lately, but just here it did, because I don't see any real difference between the italicized thoughts and the thoughts that come after.
Oh, man, I was not expecting that to happen here and now.
And after wanting it to happen for so long, for it to happen like that... it's really well done. It's heart-breaking, but it feels more genuine, and I'm glad it's not like... hmmm.. "fan service," if you will. This means that when, if, it does happen - it will be that much more satisfactory and meaningful.
"I press the tear to my lips, taste the salt of his anguish." Just one of the many amazing lines in this chapter.
The only thing that threw me at the very end, and I recall this happening before, was the italicized thoughts. It hasn't really bothered me too much lately, but just here it did, because I don't see any real difference between the italicized thoughts and the thoughts that come after.
4/28/2017 c27 Barbados
This chapter was also very well done.
I am, however, beginning to reach a point where I'm like: okay, how much more can these two go through? And I don't mean in terms of them having it hard, but I mean the punishment their bodies are having at the expense of injuries and magic.
On the other hand, it's easy to forget that Rayne isn't like a normal human perso - and so might be able to take a little more than a normal person.
As always, the dynamics of their relationship are at the center, and you do a great job with it.
:)
This chapter was also very well done.
I am, however, beginning to reach a point where I'm like: okay, how much more can these two go through? And I don't mean in terms of them having it hard, but I mean the punishment their bodies are having at the expense of injuries and magic.
On the other hand, it's easy to forget that Rayne isn't like a normal human perso - and so might be able to take a little more than a normal person.
As always, the dynamics of their relationship are at the center, and you do a great job with it.
:)
4/27/2017 c26 Barbados
Admittedly, it's been a long time since I read the early chapters, but at the moment this is my favorite chapter.
It really felt... professional. That's not to belittled the rest of the work, I've obviously enjoyed it. This chapter just felt like everything clicked perfectly.
The tension was... tense, it was exactly what it was supposed to be, so amazingly poured out. If feel like if i was an X Factor judge, I would be telling you that I need to see you in the finals, it was that good to me.
Admittedly, it's been a long time since I read the early chapters, but at the moment this is my favorite chapter.
It really felt... professional. That's not to belittled the rest of the work, I've obviously enjoyed it. This chapter just felt like everything clicked perfectly.
The tension was... tense, it was exactly what it was supposed to be, so amazingly poured out. If feel like if i was an X Factor judge, I would be telling you that I need to see you in the finals, it was that good to me.
4/26/2017 c25 Barbados
Well that went better than I expected, but not as well as I would have liked.
But you really write this so well, I wish I could bring these sorts of interactions out in my characters with such skill.
The tension, uncertainty, confusion, andn love - all of the emotion that fills every chapter with these two is just so palpable.
Great read!
Well that went better than I expected, but not as well as I would have liked.
But you really write this so well, I wish I could bring these sorts of interactions out in my characters with such skill.
The tension, uncertainty, confusion, andn love - all of the emotion that fills every chapter with these two is just so palpable.
Great read!
4/24/2017 c24 Barbados
No! Just no. Please? Things were going so well. And I know that if they were happily ever after it would have ended there, so I know there will be more conflict, but I was kind of hoping that maaaaybe it wouldn't be between these two.
Still, Cray's distrust of Rayne seems a little sudden, though not necessarily misplaced. The tension was handled well - you did a great job building it and showing it between them.
I really hope when I get to the next chapter, they get past this...
No! Just no. Please? Things were going so well. And I know that if they were happily ever after it would have ended there, so I know there will be more conflict, but I was kind of hoping that maaaaybe it wouldn't be between these two.
Still, Cray's distrust of Rayne seems a little sudden, though not necessarily misplaced. The tension was handled well - you did a great job building it and showing it between them.
I really hope when I get to the next chapter, they get past this...
4/23/2017 c37 70BradytheJust
Son of a gun Eagles!
Okay, first of all, I totally know how Rayne feels, that being said I'm going to smack him until he goes back to Cray and they actually talk about their feelings... followed by them kissing.
Your word choice was especially flawless in this chapter. I've felt the pain of betrayal, feeling useless, and even the thoughts "no one would care if I died" in my lifetime and I could feel all those feelings tearing Rayne apart as he left. Whether that's good or not, is for another day... but right now I'm crying. :'(
It is good to know that Rayne is a Bender, and I really would like to see some sort of a family connection between him and Brook, because that would help bring them together even better!
Great, yet sad, chapter... and I need some happiness in this next chapter!
70BradytheJustSon of a gun Eagles!
Okay, first of all, I totally know how Rayne feels, that being said I'm going to smack him until he goes back to Cray and they actually talk about their feelings... followed by them kissing.
Your word choice was especially flawless in this chapter. I've felt the pain of betrayal, feeling useless, and even the thoughts "no one would care if I died" in my lifetime and I could feel all those feelings tearing Rayne apart as he left. Whether that's good or not, is for another day... but right now I'm crying. :'(
It is good to know that Rayne is a Bender, and I really would like to see some sort of a family connection between him and Brook, because that would help bring them together even better!
Great, yet sad, chapter... and I need some happiness in this next chapter!
4/19/2017 c23 8Barbados
Great chapter! The thought processes and emotional responses these two have are always so genuine.
The connection between them seems to go deeper than a normal relationship. Hmm... The effect she can have on him seems almost supernatural. He's struggling and doubting his abilities, yet at the same time her words are pushing his power our further than he could do on his own. Very intrigued by this possibility.
The way the tension here was overcome was a great, as well.
8BarbadosGreat chapter! The thought processes and emotional responses these two have are always so genuine.
The connection between them seems to go deeper than a normal relationship. Hmm... The effect she can have on him seems almost supernatural. He's struggling and doubting his abilities, yet at the same time her words are pushing his power our further than he could do on his own. Very intrigued by this possibility.
The way the tension here was overcome was a great, as well.
4/19/2017 c18 4pumadelic
Those whom savage gods wish to boff, they first detox. Brilliantly written scene this. The women's gossipy dialogue is entirely natural, gives us the necessary hints about the Lady's predations while also showing how the locals have accepted her power. It's grimly funny, scary and suspenseful. A lust potion is indeed different to a love potion: one of the main contrasts/themes of your tale. The change over etc...I sort of guessed but just needed it confirmed.
It may be you've been a bit too obvious having Cray state that they are being treated like meat: the actions and the dialogue do convey this. Obviously it makes sense for her to feel aggrieved about it and to wonder if they'd talk any differently if they realised she understood them.
Poor Rayne - stripped and stuffed full of medieval viagra and poor Cray forced to watch as the Lady has her extremely wicked way.
I love the talon nail extensions - a small visual detail but it works.
I think you delivered the surprise ending well. It wasn't a surprise for me because I had guessed but it is an excellent idea and a brilliant hook for the next chapter. With all the discussion of Cray's scars and the women's assessment of her looks, it reminds us of who she looks like. Which is the point. Good stuff
4pumadelicThose whom savage gods wish to boff, they first detox. Brilliantly written scene this. The women's gossipy dialogue is entirely natural, gives us the necessary hints about the Lady's predations while also showing how the locals have accepted her power. It's grimly funny, scary and suspenseful. A lust potion is indeed different to a love potion: one of the main contrasts/themes of your tale. The change over etc...I sort of guessed but just needed it confirmed.
It may be you've been a bit too obvious having Cray state that they are being treated like meat: the actions and the dialogue do convey this. Obviously it makes sense for her to feel aggrieved about it and to wonder if they'd talk any differently if they realised she understood them.
Poor Rayne - stripped and stuffed full of medieval viagra and poor Cray forced to watch as the Lady has her extremely wicked way.
I love the talon nail extensions - a small visual detail but it works.
I think you delivered the surprise ending well. It wasn't a surprise for me because I had guessed but it is an excellent idea and a brilliant hook for the next chapter. With all the discussion of Cray's scars and the women's assessment of her looks, it reminds us of who she looks like. Which is the point. Good stuff
4/19/2017 c17 pumadelic
Yay! We have a conscious Rayne back. This chapter has a lot more notes. Nice that Cray doesn't feel she needs the services of Gok Wan while being stripped by a sexual predator but her self respect in such a tricky scenario commands our respect.
There's some vivid writing in this section - that sentence beginning 'so many breaths'. I must admit that the childishly petulant sadist villain is still not working for me. She is a definite threat: maybe her actions should speak for her.
The real hook of this chapter is Rayne finding his inner protective hero. Love his musings about observing the naked and the copulating of the village, the admission he has 'stirrings' and then the notion that Cray's naked body is on a different emotional level for him. It is touching and I believe it. Their conversation is poignant and funny, a not overdone reflection on gender roles, leading to the role reversal kiss. Rayne is waking up to his feelings and the sense of failure that led him to repress them. It leaves you rooting for them and, of course, afraid for them.
Yay! We have a conscious Rayne back. This chapter has a lot more notes. Nice that Cray doesn't feel she needs the services of Gok Wan while being stripped by a sexual predator but her self respect in such a tricky scenario commands our respect.
There's some vivid writing in this section - that sentence beginning 'so many breaths'. I must admit that the childishly petulant sadist villain is still not working for me. She is a definite threat: maybe her actions should speak for her.
The real hook of this chapter is Rayne finding his inner protective hero. Love his musings about observing the naked and the copulating of the village, the admission he has 'stirrings' and then the notion that Cray's naked body is on a different emotional level for him. It is touching and I believe it. Their conversation is poignant and funny, a not overdone reflection on gender roles, leading to the role reversal kiss. Rayne is waking up to his feelings and the sense of failure that led him to repress them. It leaves you rooting for them and, of course, afraid for them.