for Under a blue-grey sky5/5/2018 c10 
9The Warrior Poet
“He was looking at her in a way that made her feel like a two-headed calf, or like she'd forgotten to put on her pants.”
Nice! Found myself chuckling at this one.
Having a POV chapter who is capable of becoming invisible is a very helpful device. Through his eyes we see Haylden’s desperation manifesting itself physically, whereas before we could only guess at the undertaker’s emotional state from his conversations with Cray. Still, by more or less inviting himself to the blacksmith again is a dangerous game. I am starting to wonder if it’s not just Haylden, but Cray’s parents also who are trying to make this relationship happen. I know if I was Cray’s father I would be beginning to question the undertaker’s motives with my teen daughter by now...unless I wanted them to get together.
I feel myself becoming more interested with the story with each passing chapter. The hook is subtle, but it is drawing me in nevertheless. Well done!
9The Warrior Poet“He was looking at her in a way that made her feel like a two-headed calf, or like she'd forgotten to put on her pants.”
Nice! Found myself chuckling at this one.
Having a POV chapter who is capable of becoming invisible is a very helpful device. Through his eyes we see Haylden’s desperation manifesting itself physically, whereas before we could only guess at the undertaker’s emotional state from his conversations with Cray. Still, by more or less inviting himself to the blacksmith again is a dangerous game. I am starting to wonder if it’s not just Haylden, but Cray’s parents also who are trying to make this relationship happen. I know if I was Cray’s father I would be beginning to question the undertaker’s motives with my teen daughter by now...unless I wanted them to get together.
I feel myself becoming more interested with the story with each passing chapter. The hook is subtle, but it is drawing me in nevertheless. Well done!
4/29/2018 c9 The Warrior Poet
"What the pigfart is this?"
Lol. What a wonderful, innocent little swear.
This is a nice little flashback in the life of Peep, that also happens to tell us quite a bit about him. His memory of his father's tutelage helps to illuminate the indifferent attitude that he seems to take toward others, and especially how he handled helping Petra.
This chapter also helps to highlight just how exceptional the Cray situation is. He wants to be indifferent toward her, but is apparently unable. He himself is confused about why he allowed Cray to remember him. I think it is simple loneliness. This chapter would seem to indicate that his parents are both gone.
I liked getting Peep's perspective on Haylden and the dinner since that part seemed so rushed in the previous chapter. I get the sense that Rayne is doing a lot of things that he would not normally do for Cray's sake, and if that's not a great description for the first budding of love I don't know what is.
"What the pigfart is this?"
Lol. What a wonderful, innocent little swear.
This is a nice little flashback in the life of Peep, that also happens to tell us quite a bit about him. His memory of his father's tutelage helps to illuminate the indifferent attitude that he seems to take toward others, and especially how he handled helping Petra.
This chapter also helps to highlight just how exceptional the Cray situation is. He wants to be indifferent toward her, but is apparently unable. He himself is confused about why he allowed Cray to remember him. I think it is simple loneliness. This chapter would seem to indicate that his parents are both gone.
I liked getting Peep's perspective on Haylden and the dinner since that part seemed so rushed in the previous chapter. I get the sense that Rayne is doing a lot of things that he would not normally do for Cray's sake, and if that's not a great description for the first budding of love I don't know what is.
4/29/2018 c8 The Warrior Poet
"People call them loverbirds because the calls are supposed to sound like Where are you? and the response, Here, my love!"
This is awesome! Little details like this make your worldbuilding come to life.
Haylden is working hard to get back into Cray's good graces and, despite Cray knowing better, his efforts are (gradually) succeeding. A bad date is still a date, and the little sequence with the flutes counts -in my mind- as date number two.
The pacing in this chapter does seem a little rushed, though. Rayne meeting Cray's parents and sharing a meal with them could have easily been its own chapter. Here, it seems kind of tacked-on and doesn't really fit. It is interesting that Cray's father recognized Rayne as a boy immediately, when it took Cray so long to realize the same. Either the blacksmith is really observant or Cray is really obtuse.
"People call them loverbirds because the calls are supposed to sound like Where are you? and the response, Here, my love!"
This is awesome! Little details like this make your worldbuilding come to life.
Haylden is working hard to get back into Cray's good graces and, despite Cray knowing better, his efforts are (gradually) succeeding. A bad date is still a date, and the little sequence with the flutes counts -in my mind- as date number two.
The pacing in this chapter does seem a little rushed, though. Rayne meeting Cray's parents and sharing a meal with them could have easily been its own chapter. Here, it seems kind of tacked-on and doesn't really fit. It is interesting that Cray's father recognized Rayne as a boy immediately, when it took Cray so long to realize the same. Either the blacksmith is really observant or Cray is really obtuse.
4/29/2018 c7 The Warrior Poet
"The intruders' words arrived before they did"
I like this!
Your descriptions of the separate snatchers is concise and effective -this aids me in visualizing the scene. Rayne shows a bit of his inner trickster here with how he sabotages the saddles and sets up Petron's escape. I still get a very fay-like vibe from Rayne -he helps Petra but seems ultimately indifferent about the boy's fate. This type of moral ambiguity screams 'Fay' to me, but I have a feeling that there is more to Rayne than that. We shall see.
Haylden seems like a complex character. He is showing kindness toward Cray, but I get the feeling that he is only doing it to so he can get more of what he wants from her. The snatchers are disgusting brutes, but at least I know what their motives are.
"The intruders' words arrived before they did"
I like this!
Your descriptions of the separate snatchers is concise and effective -this aids me in visualizing the scene. Rayne shows a bit of his inner trickster here with how he sabotages the saddles and sets up Petron's escape. I still get a very fay-like vibe from Rayne -he helps Petra but seems ultimately indifferent about the boy's fate. This type of moral ambiguity screams 'Fay' to me, but I have a feeling that there is more to Rayne than that. We shall see.
Haylden seems like a complex character. He is showing kindness toward Cray, but I get the feeling that he is only doing it to so he can get more of what he wants from her. The snatchers are disgusting brutes, but at least I know what their motives are.
4/23/2018 c6 The Warrior Poet
"I can't say for sure, of course, but I suspect those slim limbs are sturdier than they seem, the way a rope twisted from leather strips can be stronger than a metal chain of single links."
Love this analogy!
So Peep finally has a name and a gender, and all of the sudden Cray has another beau to distract her from her work. We have already seen Cray distract Rayne from his "work" also. This, combined with Rayne's admission that he's been shadowing Cray, seems to indicate that he is just as curious about her as she is about him.
These two characters already have great chemistry together. It is entertaining to read their exchanges and observe how they react to one another. I feel that its just as critical for characters in a story to have chemistry as it is for actors in a film. A character (like an actor) can be great, but if he or she is unable to interact believably with other characters that sharpness and realism is lost. Cray and Rayne are both beginning to take on life for me as I read them, and if you can capture that as a writer you are doing the right thing.
"I can't say for sure, of course, but I suspect those slim limbs are sturdier than they seem, the way a rope twisted from leather strips can be stronger than a metal chain of single links."
Love this analogy!
So Peep finally has a name and a gender, and all of the sudden Cray has another beau to distract her from her work. We have already seen Cray distract Rayne from his "work" also. This, combined with Rayne's admission that he's been shadowing Cray, seems to indicate that he is just as curious about her as she is about him.
These two characters already have great chemistry together. It is entertaining to read their exchanges and observe how they react to one another. I feel that its just as critical for characters in a story to have chemistry as it is for actors in a film. A character (like an actor) can be great, but if he or she is unable to interact believably with other characters that sharpness and realism is lost. Cray and Rayne are both beginning to take on life for me as I read them, and if you can capture that as a writer you are doing the right thing.
4/23/2018 c5 The Warrior Poet
"In the next few days… nothing happens. Nothing of note to me anyway. The days that come and go and the work that fills those days are so alike and so monotonous that it all melds into one long day and one never-ending task in my head."
If this isn't an accurate description of work I don't know what is, lol.
The mystery and wonder surrounding the character of Peep continues to grow. She/he/it clearly has some wondrous abilities, with her/his/its manipulation of water seeming to indicate that those abilities are elemental in nature. I get a Fay folk vibe from Peep, but I couldn't tell you why.
The closed casket is probably inconsequential, but I can't help but feel a little tingle of suspicion. Is it possible that there is someone/something in the casket other than Stamon?
Cray manages to avoid Haylden again, but something tells me she won't be able to hide herself from him for very much longer.
"In the next few days… nothing happens. Nothing of note to me anyway. The days that come and go and the work that fills those days are so alike and so monotonous that it all melds into one long day and one never-ending task in my head."
If this isn't an accurate description of work I don't know what is, lol.
The mystery and wonder surrounding the character of Peep continues to grow. She/he/it clearly has some wondrous abilities, with her/his/its manipulation of water seeming to indicate that those abilities are elemental in nature. I get a Fay folk vibe from Peep, but I couldn't tell you why.
The closed casket is probably inconsequential, but I can't help but feel a little tingle of suspicion. Is it possible that there is someone/something in the casket other than Stamon?
Cray manages to avoid Haylden again, but something tells me she won't be able to hide herself from him for very much longer.
4/23/2018 c4 The Warrior Poet
All of the perspective jumps in this chapter have me feeling a little whiplashed.
Personally, I prefer just one character’s perspective per chapter -or, if a perspective shift is absolutely essential within the same chapter, separate sections with only one POV per section. Some writers find this constrictive, but as a reader I would much rather judge how a non-POV character is feeling based on how they are acting as opposed to jumping to that character’s perspective and inner dialogue. Just my opinion -when all is said and done you need to do what you judge best for your own story.
Peep certainly has some interesting abilities, abilities that could definitely come in handy in this particular world. For how secluded she seems she does seem to know a lot about the Lady and the rumors surrounding the captives. I am very curious about Peep and her family, and look forward to more meetings at the pond if they do in fact occur.
It’s back to reality for Cray. I can foresee some awkwardness taking place when the apprentice encounters Haylden again...
All of the perspective jumps in this chapter have me feeling a little whiplashed.
Personally, I prefer just one character’s perspective per chapter -or, if a perspective shift is absolutely essential within the same chapter, separate sections with only one POV per section. Some writers find this constrictive, but as a reader I would much rather judge how a non-POV character is feeling based on how they are acting as opposed to jumping to that character’s perspective and inner dialogue. Just my opinion -when all is said and done you need to do what you judge best for your own story.
Peep certainly has some interesting abilities, abilities that could definitely come in handy in this particular world. For how secluded she seems she does seem to know a lot about the Lady and the rumors surrounding the captives. I am very curious about Peep and her family, and look forward to more meetings at the pond if they do in fact occur.
It’s back to reality for Cray. I can foresee some awkwardness taking place when the apprentice encounters Haylden again...
4/22/2018 c3 The Warrior Poet
“The words lined themselves up in his head like a troop of soldiers ready to go into battle”
Love this!
The question of how gender works in this story is starting to make me scratch my head a bit.
I can see one person confusing which gender the other is, but for each of them to assume that the person to whom they are speaking is the opposite gender seems to point to more than mere coincidence. I had assumed that Cray was a girl, but I suppose that is never explicitly stated. One or the other of them is definitely confused, but I can’t tell which!
If introducing this kind of ambiguity is your goal you are definitely succeeding.
I like Peep a lot. As a character he (or she? Or do we care?) reminds me a bit of my own Jack. The character of the lovely loner is loveable indeed.
I really like your writing in the third-person perspective, more so than your first-person writing, but that is probably more due to personal preference than any real difference. No matter which style you choose the prose is polished and a pleasure to read.
“The words lined themselves up in his head like a troop of soldiers ready to go into battle”
Love this!
The question of how gender works in this story is starting to make me scratch my head a bit.
I can see one person confusing which gender the other is, but for each of them to assume that the person to whom they are speaking is the opposite gender seems to point to more than mere coincidence. I had assumed that Cray was a girl, but I suppose that is never explicitly stated. One or the other of them is definitely confused, but I can’t tell which!
If introducing this kind of ambiguity is your goal you are definitely succeeding.
I like Peep a lot. As a character he (or she? Or do we care?) reminds me a bit of my own Jack. The character of the lovely loner is loveable indeed.
I really like your writing in the third-person perspective, more so than your first-person writing, but that is probably more due to personal preference than any real difference. No matter which style you choose the prose is polished and a pleasure to read.
4/22/2018 c2 The Warrior Poet
Old Stinky definitely knows what he is doing.
I get the feeling that his gifts, his more manicured appearance, and his nap were all designed with the same hoped-for outcome. It’s a pretty skeevy thing to do with your lost love’s little sister but I can’t help but feel a little bit of sympathy for the guy.
Cray seems conflicted about the whole situation. The attention she receives definitely elicits a not fully understood response within her, but the question is whether those feelings can coexist beside the bitterness she feels toward her older sister. So much of her life has been impacted by what happened to Cresida, and I get the feeling that when she refers to “her past” in the last sentence she could just as easily say ‘Cresida’.
Old Stinky definitely knows what he is doing.
I get the feeling that his gifts, his more manicured appearance, and his nap were all designed with the same hoped-for outcome. It’s a pretty skeevy thing to do with your lost love’s little sister but I can’t help but feel a little bit of sympathy for the guy.
Cray seems conflicted about the whole situation. The attention she receives definitely elicits a not fully understood response within her, but the question is whether those feelings can coexist beside the bitterness she feels toward her older sister. So much of her life has been impacted by what happened to Cresida, and I get the feeling that when she refers to “her past” in the last sentence she could just as easily say ‘Cresida’.
4/21/2018 c1 The Warrior Poet
You’ve brought me to a very grim world indeed.
There is definite craftsmanship evident in this chapter. I like how you start out by describing the scar in such vibrant detail, enough detail to make the reader wonder why so many words have even dedicated to something that appears mostly inconsequential. The confusion grows as the scar is referenced as evidence of an ‘act of love’. Later, it all becomes clear and as a fellow writer I am left to marvel at how nifty a device you have employed in tying everything together.
You have just the right amount of exposition here as well -enough to bring me into your world, but not enough to overwhelm me. The result is a nice, snappy pace that satisfies without bogging down.
A solid opening with a great hook!
You’ve brought me to a very grim world indeed.
There is definite craftsmanship evident in this chapter. I like how you start out by describing the scar in such vibrant detail, enough detail to make the reader wonder why so many words have even dedicated to something that appears mostly inconsequential. The confusion grows as the scar is referenced as evidence of an ‘act of love’. Later, it all becomes clear and as a fellow writer I am left to marvel at how nifty a device you have employed in tying everything together.
You have just the right amount of exposition here as well -enough to bring me into your world, but not enough to overwhelm me. The result is a nice, snappy pace that satisfies without bogging down.
A solid opening with a great hook!
1/19/2018 c41 Vivian Night
Awwwwww... sooooo sweeeeeet! I am glad that Rayne has finally accepted his feelings for Cray! Wonderful story and thank you!
Awwwwww... sooooo sweeeeeet! I am glad that Rayne has finally accepted his feelings for Cray! Wonderful story and thank you!
1/19/2018 c32 Vivian Night
Yeeesssssss I remember the "Rules to Break You" story and am pretty psyched to see Eryk and Brook in this one too... now I will have to go read the other story again though haha. ;)
Yeeesssssss I remember the "Rules to Break You" story and am pretty psyched to see Eryk and Brook in this one too... now I will have to go read the other story again though haha. ;)
1/19/2018 c30 Vivian Night
Just wanted to say that I was pleasantly surprised to come back to this site after some time and see that you added more chapters to this story! I am still enjoying it. Got a little choked up there with Haylden's passing... I hope these two kids make it out okay... I do fear that there is always going to be some kind of impending doom for the two, because of a bit I had read in another story of yours when you referenced Rayne... But I am still loving these two characters and I hope SOME good comes out of this whole situation for them. Their struggles make my chest ache (
Just wanted to say that I was pleasantly surprised to come back to this site after some time and see that you added more chapters to this story! I am still enjoying it. Got a little choked up there with Haylden's passing... I hope these two kids make it out okay... I do fear that there is always going to be some kind of impending doom for the two, because of a bit I had read in another story of yours when you referenced Rayne... But I am still loving these two characters and I hope SOME good comes out of this whole situation for them. Their struggles make my chest ache (
12/19/2017 c41 25Jaya Avendel
What a lovely end to a wonderful story. From beginning to end, the mix of your story elements kept me intrigued.
What a perfect gift Rayne created. It sounds so beautiful and magical and pure, the perfect gift for a woman as good as Cray. I like how both of them were a little flustered and nervous there at the ending.
And Rayne's final acceptance of who he is is . . . a sound state of mind to end the story with!
I enjoyed every word. It was a pleasure to read this.
25Jaya AvendelWhat a lovely end to a wonderful story. From beginning to end, the mix of your story elements kept me intrigued.
What a perfect gift Rayne created. It sounds so beautiful and magical and pure, the perfect gift for a woman as good as Cray. I like how both of them were a little flustered and nervous there at the ending.
And Rayne's final acceptance of who he is is . . . a sound state of mind to end the story with!
I enjoyed every word. It was a pleasure to read this.