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for Cybil (FictionPress Draft)

11/24/2015 c1 19Ckh
Heyo! Random review dropping by.

This seems like an interesting concept to work on, with a scientific humanoid and all. I wonder where you would go with this! I'm expecting twists here and there, so I'll try to keep my expectations high.

The descriptions, though a bit dry, served their purpose in setting the atmosphere and tone, with decent characters to add on to the mix. Good job on your first attempt!

Overall, decent chapter you got there
10/28/2015 c1 1guardiangrey
Hi there! This has the makings of something really good. My biggest recommendation would be to be more specific in your details. For instance, McDougal isn't named till nearly the end of the chapter. A name makes us care more. In the last paragraph, when McDougal is imagining various scenes of Marcia bonding, give us one of those imaginary scenes. It'd make that a lot more powerful.

In paragraph 5, you mention stairs and then the fluid. Is the fluid in the stairs? Because that's what it sounded like to me.

A scientist would never use the phrase "miles quicker." Scientists are very stingy on the proper use of units of measurement. At least all the ones I know are. Miles refers to distance while quicker refers to velocity. So they don't complement one another.

I didn't expect the arm-breaking part. That was a nice touch.

Great start, and hope I could be helpful.


10/19/2015 c3 6SoulsandSwords
There were some grammatical errors here;

"Cybil's face seemed to ask "Why". Should be 'why?' If she's not actually saying it, maybe italicize it with apostrophe's and not actual quotes. Or the way you did it at the end when she says 'I hope he does, too.' Also, take away the comma after 'does.' It sounds awkward when you say it out loud.

I like Cybil slowly learning human ways, like how to talk despite she's far more capable than most infant children when they first 'wake' to say. She's in no way childish, however, which proves that she might easily be cunning and calculating. She IS meant to be a weapon, so it makes sense.

I feel like Cybil was referring to herself despite thinking of Ryu when she said she wanted happiness. I doubt she's enjoying her current lifestyle as a military android.
10/19/2015 c2 SoulsandSwords
The beginning is very reminiscent to most sci fi movies about robots; Terminator being specific. Is Cybil going to go Sarah Connor on us? (I hope so, Hehe).

I feel like James accidentally created something he didn't quite prepare himself for; she has human-like qualities and I'm sure she KNOWS she's just an A.I. being to everyone who looks upon her. As you said, looks can be deceiving... I know this is probably on purpose, but James is quite vague... but it's kind of grating.

I have an idea of who Marcia is, but maybe you should go more into his thoughts rather than the static descriptions of what Cybil sees and does (unless you intended to do so, which isn't bad at all)!
10/19/2015 c1 SoulsandSwords
I like this idea! It reminds me of an anime I watched, can't remember the Japanese title, but it translated to 'She, the ultimate weapon.'

It seems to be the same premise; A human being transformed into the ultimate weapon for military purposes... only not willfully.

This is only the first chapter, so there's not much to say, except I'm eager to get into this dark story. Cybil has only just awaken... I feel like this story will be very 'Ex Machina;' if someone can turn her on and shut her off at any time, why should anyone else be free?

Maybe I'm just too dark. xD

Onto chapter two!
10/11/2015 c3 14Scott Pilgrim
"Cybil herself clammed up..." Clamed needs another m added to it to make it clammed. That was the only grammar that caught my eye in this chapter, so good job! Keep up the great work.

As for Cybil and her missons, she is amazing at them, and I love how you add a bit of difficulty to each of them, whether it just be simple things as the chafing of the gas mask in the first mission of the rough terrain and freezing cold weather in the Appalachians in the second mission. Any bit of difficulty and how the power through it, like Cybil just powering through both terrains, adds a bit of life to the character.

Just a thought, it would be really interesting, if, throughout all of these missions, Cybil is just really gathering parts for another cyborg/robot/thing. Just a thought.

And so, her family grows still. I like it.

Stay frosty from the Roadhouse,
Scotty P.
10/10/2015 c1 The Jollyginger
Form the Bar.
Hey, I thought I'd start here as I should probably get at least a little bit of an idea of what the story's about.
This is a very good prologue chapter; not gonna lie, I think that the premise is sort of cheesy, but that doesn't mean that there aren't a lot of places you can take it and besides, just because it's been done before doesn't mean it isn't fun to read.
And this is fun to read; your writing flows quickly and you very nicely set up your story in one chapter.
Looking forward to the next time.
9/30/2015 c2 Scott Pilgrim
Oooo. Another great chapter! So Cybil has siblings, too. Great addition. I hope we get to meet them.
9/26/2015 c1 Scott Pilgrim
Wow. Great start to the story! You had me intrigued from the get go. I feel like threats are always a great way to start off stories for some reason. Also, James has an excellent character so far. He quickly adapted to the roll of Cybil's father, I think. He feels parental feelings with her, emphasized at the end.

Also, I didn't see any grammatical mistakes except for one:

"...backpedaling instinctively, The scientist..."

The needs to be lower cased. Other wise, keep up the great work!

SF, Scott Pilgrim
9/26/2015 c1 2Aske Nat
I found this both interesting and well written. It was very refreshing not to stumble over any glaring mistakes, and the only typo I found has now mysteriously disappeared, which must mean that it was all in my head.

It’s really a fascinating subject you’ve chosen to explore and I’m curious to see what you’ve done with it.

Nice job.
9/26/2015 c10 deadaccount2019
I apologize for the delay in returning your review!

I found there was a lack of balance with dialogue and storytelling. We get the occasional line or paragraph to move things along, but ultimately the chapter seems to drone on with conversation. That's not to say you should remove dialogue, but it would be much more immersive if the characters were interacting with the environment. How does Kinsley's house smell? Is it damp or dusty? Show us what specifically "screams upper-middle class" to James, rather than simply tell us a general impression.

Outside of the dialogue/narration ratio, the chapter works well as a transitional one. There is a very strong sense of leaving one arc behind and delving into the next, and you tied it together well with Cybil's consideration of the new environment vs the old one.
9/6/2015 c9 1FireFlyingCourse
Great. Great. Great. Great. Great!
Definitely faving this!
9/5/2015 c9 7Fierce Ookami
I really enjoyed this story so far, its a very interesting idea. I can't wait to see how the story unfolds, keep it up!

-Fierce Ookami.
8/26/2015 c8 3solacing
Very emotional chapter! Nice job :)
8/25/2015 c2 8TheGirlWhoRambled
Oh, so he did appear again :P I’m not really sure why I thought he wouldn’t – I suppose the last scene just felt like a good bye for me. Anyway, overall this chapter was just as good as the first. I think you could probably describe the emotions Cybil’s feeling a bit more though – for example, instead of writing “a wave of surprise hit Cybil” you could describe the surprise – does she react to it? What’s her body language? Details like that could really add a lot to the story.
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