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for Whoever Brings the Night

9/6/2015 c1 1Jun Aoi
I really enjoyed reading this one! The sharp knives and sharper tongues. It was fun, great job!
9/4/2015 c1 39Emerald Viper
The world you're building seems like it could be an interesting place, but I feel that some of your dialogue is confusing. We don't really get a good view of your main character - what does she look like? I might have missed the description.

Also, there are certain words you use often which don't really help you - "just" is one of them. Almost every time you feel tempted to write this word, you could cut it without affecting the meaning. This is an instance where I would say "less is more" and some of your lines would "pop" better if you cut the extra words.

Also, it seems odd the reaction that the Fae has to someone drinking themselves to death. I'd probably omit half of the dialogue and leave it as "Dear, it's not your fault. You're not to blame. These things happen." (or something similar). In a situation where cause of death hasn't been determined, it seems odd that someone would immediately perceive cause of death as "had too much to drink" versus a heart attack or any number of other possible causes.
9/2/2015 c1 Guest
Oh, I like the up playing of the gender roles! It is so true. Maybe a little bit of cleanup and everything will flow a little bit better.
9/2/2015 c1 2Hikitsune-Red
What a fun story! Especially coming to the end.
I'm not too sure about some the dialogue that occurs, it feels somewhat...off or forced perhaps, but this may also be just the word limit at play.
I did enjoy what bits and pieces of the world we get in this story, and I didn't feel too left out of the setting, so kudos to that.

As previously mentioned, there are some typos about, but nothing that I couldn't figure out.
8/31/2015 c1 20T.Rasa
An interesting read! I love the universe, different species all woven together and a massive inter-species tavern brawl happening in the background of Ryanon and Dak's quiet scene in the corner is just a hilarious mental image.

As others have mentioned, this needs a good proofread; there's a lot of tiny little things that need to be cleaned up, but nothing that breaks the story. I did find some of the Ryanon/Dak dialogue a bit forced, and a bit more insight into their motivations and reasons for needing to kill each other (destiny? Contracts? Past associations? Double crosses?) might smooth out their interactions and help push the story along.

Overall, though, good work!
8/28/2015 c1 26augie.toaste
In a story with a prompt about getting away with murder, it's very likely that someone is going to die, but... that was still a bit unexpected! There were times when I thought: is this a... romance? Well played.
8/27/2015 c1 31TanteLiz
Nicely paced, fun setting - lots of structural errors you do not usually make, though, in terms of missing words, hasty punctuation, et cetera - all the things Solemn mentioned, of course, and little things like placeholder movement cues (they do a lot of smiling and nodding to hold the beat of the sentence). You'll probably dump most of those, Serena, when you have time for a good edit. I know you are up to your eyeballs with the new school year now!
8/20/2015 c1 82Solemn Coyote
"The human body was the perfect disguise murder." For murder?

"No one knew what it was like to death," To die?

"so for the vampires" save for the vampires

"even thought he was bleeding in several" several places

"besides sitting down next tom me" to me

"you're attitude hasn't seemed to change" your

"so you had better kill me know" now

"just made like look the person had died" just made it look like

"no marks or no pointing fingers" no marks and no pointing fingers

Interesting, grimy-feeling setting. Murder seems like it's a sport in this city, and destiny is apparently also a thing. I wonder if those are interrelated?

There isn't really any explanation about who Ryanon is or why Dak (or Dak's master) should want her dead. It would be nice to have a bit more context for why they're trying to kill each other.

The fight's well written, as is the brawl going on in the background in the tavern.

I'd like to know a little more about how your particular werewolves and vampires work. The city seems to be very cosmopolitan, since you mentioned Ryanon casually walking through a crowd of nonhumans. Where do they come from? And what do they look like?

The werewolves apparently fight with knives instead of claws, and that struck me as a really interesting choice too. Can they only partly shift? Just the ears? Would scrapping in wolf-form be uncivilized?

All in all, I think this was good as a teaser piece. I wouldn't mind reading more about the characters or the setting, and it seems like there's so much to potentially expand on that it would be hard to run out of good content.
8/6/2015 c1 6Carmel March
Great job on this! I really enjoyed it, especially the ending. I liked the male-female themes, and Ryanon was awesome. Thanks for sharing this!
8/5/2015 c1 1MileyRowling
Great work! It kind of reminds me of Throne of Glass!

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