Just In
for Hostess Monologue

9/12/2015 c1 13alltheeagles
Do you like anime/manga? Cause the voice of this narrator reminds me very much of an anime/manga character. The term I’d use is ‘genki’, especially at the beginning. Right, so this is essentially one long monologue addressed to an unknown person or persons. Absolutely no problem for me. Did that myself before in one of my Box of Chocs pieces.
The second time the dagger came up, I thought of Damocle’s sword. Well I found out at the end when it was used to kill somebody. That’s HEAVY foreshadowing there. And red herrings! There you were telling us about underwear colour and in the end it was the shirt that mattered. And I kept thinking there must be some reason for her very detailed description of everything. At the end I still don’t think I know the reason, unless this is the script for the opening of a murder-mystery dinner. IS it? But then it’s a one-shot…
All in all, I like this and I think it shows promise as a first chapter. Leaving it unclosed this way is somehow unsatisfying for me.
Typo: exCiting not exiting
9/9/2015 c1 1M.R. Hill
-First up, I have to say, this was absolutely refreshing to read! So often I find my critiques being more harsh or myself unable to immerse myself because there are so many problems that I have to pick out that I don’t have fun with it. This, however, is not the case! I have so many good things to say about this that I almost don’t know where to start. I’m going to go in order throughout this story. There are a few typos I noticed here and there, I’ll point them out as I see them.
-The premise of this and delivery is a really unique idea that I haven’t ran into before that was refreshing to read. I enjoy how you used monologue overall throughout this and more how it all weaved together to form a mystery story that I’m suspecting is meant to be a fair play mystery that challenges the reader to solve it. Miss Monologue is a fantastic protagonist and her delivery on everything is so delightful and mixes in just the right dips into comedy. Also, it’s a great touch how early on there is the thing about leaving the door open for a getaway, it really made me want to see what exactly is she offering us a chance to get away from. Which in turn made me want to keep reading.
-At apologise, you meant to put apologize, minor typo.
-Your use of the semi-colon to control the rhythm and pacing of this was superb! Given the babbling of Miss Marble, I feel that a period would have slowed things too much while a comma wouldn’t have given the exact half-pause that a semi-colon does. Normally I’d suggest against using a semi-colon in dialogue, but you handled it so well and with purpose that it’s 100% okay for rule breaking there.
-["Well, it is actually my first time hosting a dinner party as well, so the food might bad and the company might be bland, but – you know; we all had to start somewhere, am I right? I'm right. Just don't be mean about it, okay? If you don't like it, feel free to leave – you know where the door is, and, since we left it open, there is nothing keeping you from making a quick getaway.] This cracked me up big time and there is a part of me that feels like there is something of a speaking to the audience literally in how we can back away from the story at any time. It really adds to the immersion of this really.
-["Now, second of all – and this is mostly just a friendly heads up – there are people here tonight, and – well, people have this annoying tendency do be living breathing creatures that live full lives with ups and downs, and some of them downs might be rather unpleasant for you to hear about, which is why you should proceed with caution. There is a real risk of being the witness of emotional turmoil that might upset you. Also, some of the people might be – what do you call it? – they might be people who are not you. Some of them might be quite different from you, but that's okay, because now you've been warned.] Small typo where you put “do” instead of “to”, but that aside, again, I loved this part! It cracked me up so hard, especially with her saying it’s okay since we’ve been warned. Again, I find myself hypnotized into this and wanting to go on because I want to learn more. The same can be said about the part with a horrible accident and wanting to know what’s going on there. Oh and her reaction to things, cutting off to say don’t be scared and will give the warning is great. Also, the fact that Miss Monologue knows all this in advance adds such an element of mystery to her – who is she, what is she, why does she know this stuff – that leaves me now thinking reviewing this.
-Also, the line about sex going on in one corner but not to worry about it because it happens when we’re not in the room cracked me up. …And now going back, I wonder if that’s a clue to hint at whatever really happened or anything like that.
-["Well, as you can see, we are in a hallway. The hallway has walls that are blue, a floor that is made out of hardwood, and that there – that is a shoe rack – no, no, you don't have to take off your shoes; we don't actually use the shoe rack. It's merely for decorative purposes – I just thought it would make a nice touch.] I think after purposes, a period would better serve you here than the dash. Your use of the dash throughout this is phenomenal in most cases since the dash is the interrupter and you show her rambling well with it, but I feel flow works better there with just a stop then that line.
-["But that there, however, is a dagger hanging on the wall. Let me just repeat that: there is a dagger hanging on the wall – a very SHARP and DANGEROUS dagger hanging on the wall – a DAGGER.

"Let's proceed.] The delivery of this is absolutely brilliant! I love how you use contrast here, both when it comes to highlighting the dagger and all the details about it, the use of uppercase letters and italicizes to make it so important and just how odd it is to just have it there then how understated she is in following line as if it wasn’t that big of a deal. That is comedy gold!
-"Okay, let me introduce you to someone – this is Bill Babington III, a twenty nine-year-old software designer from – shush, Bill, let me introduce you! – from some place exotic.] Another part I love the delivery on! I am conflicted on whether I feel should suggest us being able to actually hear Bill’s interruption or not, for sake of show, but at the same time, the way she goes about this is incredible that I don’t mind. Also, with way she goes about describing them, I feel it should be odd, but with how she is, it just works. I especially love her interactions with Bill and, as I am now rereading while typing out this critique, I notice he’s wearing the red shirt. It also had a point of him pulling his shirt up for a second. Hmm… Another thing I do love about this is the reread bonus to it all. It’s essential to solving the mystery.
-["Say hi, Bill!" "Hi."] I have no clue why this running gag amuses me as much as it does, but it does. XD
-Love how you brought back up the dagger, made it super important again and more made clear its existence for the third time later on (Rule of 3 really well done there) and just commentary on things again, especially the shoe rack.
-Cracked up so hard at the rooms al being different shades of red. XD I am curious why we need to know it, haven’t put that together yet.
-["Okay, then we have Sarah – she doesn't matter.
"Shush, Sarah – go stand in the corner!]
You’re missing some ending quotation marks there. Actually, I noticed that in some places here and there, though I feel that’s a place where it’s really needed.
-Hmm…Sarah was in the corner with Larry while we were in a different room and was whole thing with the pants… Also, cracked up on just the delivery of “I don’t like him” and entire thing with the corner. Really, Monologue’s ruder moments to some people are hilarious touches. You do “mean” comedy just right in those spots. I wish I could say why, but haven’t put finger on it yet.
-For dinning room, I believe you meant to put dining room? Also, at “and lets not forget”, you meant to put let’s
-The part with blind nuns of all things was great. XD As was the line about very expensive but useless items. XDD Also, the way Miss Monologue interacts with each person during her descriptions is great!
-Cracked up so hard on her delivery about the government agency and made me really curious about what’s happening there. Also, the way the continued say hi gag with and not saying it immediately was another great quick joke there. Oh and poor, poor Danny. XDD
-The entire execution of the accident at the climax was wonderful there and well built up to. Also, how you handled it off-screen was great. Miss Monologue’s reactions to it more than make it work. XD As does her continued meanness to others.
-Anyway, having gone through it, Bill was wearing the red shirt, so he’s the killer. I am curious as to why and if there are any hints throughout. Regardless, the way it ends there and prompts to reread is marvelous. That was so well worth it and I feel the first time through, I was propelled through it all greatly by the comedy and Miss Monologue’s delivery of everything and second read through I found myself more assessing and trying to solve the complete mystery. I’m really curious as to the motives and this is just one of those pieces that stick with you. Also, you have great comedic timing and are smart to make this just a short story instead of stretching out the joke too long like some might. Overall this is one of the best pieces I’ve read on Fictionpress!
9/4/2015 c1 43zanybellecloudo
Well, zanybellecloudo is very proud to inspire such wonderful pieces of writing!

I love the updated twist on the story with the dagger... it's very much like a murder mystery weekend! I'm also fond of Hostess Monologue - she could have her own TV show and I'd watch it...

Thanks for sharing this unique piece and taking my advice! Hazzah!
9/4/2015 c1 20Kaybug150
This was wonderfully creative and funny - not like anything I've ever read before. I enjoyed it a lot.
9/3/2015 c1 3Grammatical Assassin
This is great! So, so much fun to read. While reading this, I picked up a certain voice in my head. This might sound ridiculous or, I suppose, it might make perfect sense. Effie Trinket from The Hunger Games. Also the entire thing felt like a mixture of the movies Clue, Murder by Death, and Identity all rolled into one.

I would assume the killer is Bill Babington III as he is the only one stated as wearing a “red shirt”. Unless, of course, it doesn't matter who is wearing a red shirt because everyone introduced is in fact the same person. At least, that would be my guess based only on the title.

So yeah, Effie Trinket, souped-up on coke, has a dinner party for all the guests in her head. This whole piece is simply swimming in awesome sauce!

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