for Perspective (1)11/19/2015 c2 LittleDeadFly
A little unrelated note before I begin:
On your profile, you listed several other links for readers to follow. FictionPress and FanFfiction have this weird filter where any links you write get deleted if they don't link to stories on their sites. Make sure to write out the link on your profile to avoid it getting deleted or have the link redirect to your profile here instead.
["Yeah, sorry. I'm meeting someone soon," I apologized again,]
'Apologized' is a really bad speech verb since we as readers can see she apologized by the fact that she said it. Clarifying it again is unnecessary.
The writing is solid, but the plot could use some tweaking. The narrator is in a rush to get somewhere, so she wouldn't suddenly stop to smell the air. The bit with the other pedestrian is just filler. Maybe you could have it that the narrator is such in a hurry that she ducks and weaves around people only to eventually slip up and run into the woman with the flowers? Then it wouldn't feel set up, but a natural progression of events.
A little unrelated note before I begin:
On your profile, you listed several other links for readers to follow. FictionPress and FanFfiction have this weird filter where any links you write get deleted if they don't link to stories on their sites. Make sure to write out the link on your profile to avoid it getting deleted or have the link redirect to your profile here instead.
["Yeah, sorry. I'm meeting someone soon," I apologized again,]
'Apologized' is a really bad speech verb since we as readers can see she apologized by the fact that she said it. Clarifying it again is unnecessary.
The writing is solid, but the plot could use some tweaking. The narrator is in a rush to get somewhere, so she wouldn't suddenly stop to smell the air. The bit with the other pedestrian is just filler. Maybe you could have it that the narrator is such in a hurry that she ducks and weaves around people only to eventually slip up and run into the woman with the flowers? Then it wouldn't feel set up, but a natural progression of events.