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for Light Me Up

8/2/2017 c19 KarasunoFan
YAY! Just read this all the way through! So engaging and lovely
7/5/2017 c4 Kia
Is he finding her lab or she's doing some research that he's connected with? Did he agree to be her boyfriend?
Some parts aren't too clear as far as sentence structure since it gets a bit confusing
7/5/2017 c3 Kia
Man i wish she would throw a drink in his face and give a snarky reply back!
7/5/2017 c2 Kia
Wow her grandma isn't very nice! Well she is a businesswoman but still! I wonder how she'll be as an heiress but if she's lived with her grandma before it shouldn't be too hard to act again
11/3/2016 c13 Katie
I adore Pen and Rhys. Can't wait for more of their banter in the next chapter!
12/12/2015 c1 4HighOnBrokenWings
Hi there,

So I thought the summary for this story was interesting so I decided to come on in and have a read.

Now the first thing I noticed was that you had three chapters in this one chapter. I'm not sure why you did that, as it is usually better to space them out more. People are actually more likely to read if the earlier chapters are shorter. That way it isn't such a commitment until you get hooked into the story.

Secondly is the actual formatting of said chapters. Nothing seemed to have a lot of structure. We went from one time period then back three months, and then at the end I assume we went back to the present? It was all a bit haphazard, and a little difficult to read. Two more things added to the chaos of this for me. The first was the constant switching between tenses. Even within a sentence you would often switch from past to present tense. Here's one example:
"Before she can give up someone picked up the call"
You have two options with a sentence like that either make it
"Before she can give up someone PICKS up the call" or
"Before she GAVE up someone picked up the call"
The final thing that made this really bitsy and difficult to read was the constant switching between perspective. There was little to alert me as the reader that we were switching point of view, and often the switches occurred in very peculiar places.

Now if you were going for an experimental piece where you wanted to see how many unsaid narrative writing rules you could break and still have a piece that told somewhat of a story then you succeeded, otherwise I would highly recommend reading back over everything and editing.

Best of luck.

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