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for Cashmere Black

3/19/2016 c1 4m. b. whitlock
This is a wonderful story. I sense the setting is vast and fascinating, even though all we get in the story is a brief view. You accomplish here what I often strive to do, you create a world that is both mysterious and authentic. This setting feels real despite the fantastic, horrific Abyss. The lives of the characters and the surrounding area and greater world beyond feel familiar.

This line is great:

“I pivot in my harness, guessing which way is up from the tug of gravity on my hair. I have my fingers wrapped for the return signal when the second tug comes.”

I get the sense I’m in a strange atmosphere. It’s dense, though not liquid… really cool! Especially like the hair detail.

I don’t know about using ‘Benthic Threshold’ for the depths of the Abyss, since ‘Benthic’ means specifically ‘the depth of the *sea*’:

“I am down at the edge of the what the winch lets us reach. The Benthic Threshold, according to the laboratory techs.”

‘Threshold’ is cool though. Maybe just come up with something like ‘Benthic’ but a variation…?

Like parts of this line, but I would cut the ** marked part out. You don’t need the direct address to the reader I don’t feel. It kind of pulls me out of the the story and I was really engrossed up until this point:

“*Imagine, if you will,* a substance softer than silk.”

The rest of the descriptions in the paragraph are really luscious and freaky and cool!:

“Gentler than a brush of lips. Weightless as a huff of helium.”

I’d cut ** “consoles”:

“Game*-console*s refuse to boot.”

A console makes me think of a housing, an object of some size. The games could be played using projections, like holograms or just interior mental experiences…? Anyway, I think if you just say ‘Games refuse to boot.’ it will be more high tech.

Wow this is great!:

“The air around me resonates with something low and thrumming. It sounds almost like the word please. Followed by go deeper. Followed by please.”

Just one tiny tiny suggestion though, cut “with something” and “almost”. Streamlined suggestion, ‘The air around me resonates, low and thrumming. It sounds like the word please.’

I would cut this last line:

“My vacation is quiet and uneventful”

I don’t think you need it and the one that comes before has a lingering ring to it.

Really cool stuff! Enjoyed it a lot.


11/1/2015 c1 4InkWellWisher
I am glad you submitted this piece for the writing challenge. Really great voice, right amount of detail, and excellent flow that naturally unfolds this stark existential horror. You've created some very poignant passages as well, you definitely know where to punctuate emphasis and foreshadowing to keep the reader propelling forward. The plot is simple, yet it's simplicity is what makes this story work so well-as well as the metaphor that suggests at what cost man would plumb the depths of the abyss, the unknown. I really enjoyed this, and hope to see more of your work in the future. Keep up the good work.
10/11/2015 c1 5RG16
Oh. This is just... Wow. I loved how you drescribed her fear and the sensations she had, the detail is wonderful and just right! I love it very much! Kudos!
10/8/2015 c1 16Encore19
This was very well done! Great wording and great job sticking so much to the prompt and turning it into something else. The abyss is creepy and the secret of it all is very interesting. You use a lot of metaphors though and I felt like you could've cut some of that out to fit the maximum word limit. But good job, nonetheless!
10/8/2015 c1 63RedactedNoLongerWriting
Brilliant world-building. The history is great, but also the detail of what it feels like to be in the Abyss. There's that sense that the narrator is used to some things in there, but the main event of this story is so obviously different from that. Loved the bit at the end where you see just how close they came to cutting the rope. Nice job and good luck in the WCC!
10/7/2015 c1 26augie.toaste
Great piece that captures the eeriness of the depths, though this time, there *is* probably something down there. Is there going to be more?

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