for Clean Sweep1/16/2016 c1 
19Ckh
Roadhouse Review:
o.o
This is actually fairly engaging. The writing, for what it is worth seems quite unique and well written, combing both grim and humour aspects into a smooth flow of things.
That being said, the prologue sets things up strongly, with the atmosphere around the MC being established and so on. I could see myself reading more of this, granted that I have enough time at least.
-Ckh
19CkhRoadhouse Review:
o.o
This is actually fairly engaging. The writing, for what it is worth seems quite unique and well written, combing both grim and humour aspects into a smooth flow of things.
That being said, the prologue sets things up strongly, with the atmosphere around the MC being established and so on. I could see myself reading more of this, granted that I have enough time at least.
-Ckh
1/14/2016 c2 6Victoria Best
Hello from the Roadhouse!
I'm intrigued by this story. I have so many questions. Who is the man who is doing this torturing? I am guessing he is the same person with the katana in the last chapter, but I can't wait to find out more about him. It's great that you are keeping this shrouded in so much mystery for now. It certainly acts as a great hook to encourage the reader to keep reading!
This guy seems to be some kind of 'hero' or intent on doing 'heroic' actions. Maybe he is convinced he is a superhero, or maybe he is. In this chapter it is clear through the dialogue that Toby was attempting to rape the girl (from the words "albeit forcibly") and so it seems our mystery man swooped in at just the right moment.
He is so taunting. It's great. That was a brilliant monologue you gave him, and showed not only his intelligence, (who knows about human teeth? Apart from dentists? That's awesome. Well researched) but all his dry humour and his almost sadistic nature - he enjoys hurting others, possibly even killing them. He especially loves taunting them in the moments before he does so. I am not so sure if he is a good guy or a bad guy, because by his heroic actions, saving the girl, I would automatically think he is a good guy, but by his sadistic nature and the hints that he kills people, I am not so sure. More of an anti-hero, for now. I'm looking forward to reading more and finding out some answers!
Only one thing to work on. I couldn't picture the man's voice. He says a lot of things in this chapter, yet I did not 'hear' his voice. I would love some hints to us about how his voice sounds. Is it low? Hoarse? Coarse? Thick? Heavy? I imagine him sort of drawling, like Snape. That would sound particularly mocking and be very effective. Or better yet, maybe make him eerily cheerful, like an evil version of Deadpool. So yeah, I'd love some tag lines with description of his voice or how he says the words, for example slowly, carefully, cheerfully, etc.
Thanks for the read and keep writing!
6Victoria BestHello from the Roadhouse!
I'm intrigued by this story. I have so many questions. Who is the man who is doing this torturing? I am guessing he is the same person with the katana in the last chapter, but I can't wait to find out more about him. It's great that you are keeping this shrouded in so much mystery for now. It certainly acts as a great hook to encourage the reader to keep reading!
This guy seems to be some kind of 'hero' or intent on doing 'heroic' actions. Maybe he is convinced he is a superhero, or maybe he is. In this chapter it is clear through the dialogue that Toby was attempting to rape the girl (from the words "albeit forcibly") and so it seems our mystery man swooped in at just the right moment.
He is so taunting. It's great. That was a brilliant monologue you gave him, and showed not only his intelligence, (who knows about human teeth? Apart from dentists? That's awesome. Well researched) but all his dry humour and his almost sadistic nature - he enjoys hurting others, possibly even killing them. He especially loves taunting them in the moments before he does so. I am not so sure if he is a good guy or a bad guy, because by his heroic actions, saving the girl, I would automatically think he is a good guy, but by his sadistic nature and the hints that he kills people, I am not so sure. More of an anti-hero, for now. I'm looking forward to reading more and finding out some answers!
Only one thing to work on. I couldn't picture the man's voice. He says a lot of things in this chapter, yet I did not 'hear' his voice. I would love some hints to us about how his voice sounds. Is it low? Hoarse? Coarse? Thick? Heavy? I imagine him sort of drawling, like Snape. That would sound particularly mocking and be very effective. Or better yet, maybe make him eerily cheerful, like an evil version of Deadpool. So yeah, I'd love some tag lines with description of his voice or how he says the words, for example slowly, carefully, cheerfully, etc.
Thanks for the read and keep writing!
1/14/2016 c1 7Leon Wite
I will only review your Prologue. If you want me to do the rest, let me know (just in case what I have to say isn't helpful or not what you are really looking for.)
With that being said:
1st paragraph: the introduction is very well written; a really good hook.
"Boats sliding slightly along the carpeted floor,.."? Are you talking about an actual boat? or are you talking about the trash like "a boatload". Is there another definition for boat that is more uncommon? like "a container for holding incense before it is placed in the censer"? I felt like I've missed something.
"He scrunched his nose in disgust before pushing open the door.." So, from how it goes on, they didn't hear him walk in. And apparently they were so engrossed in their "dirty deeds" to even see him from the corner of their eyes or "felt" his presence. I think that might be something worth mentioning? How stealthy his is?
I give you kudos. This is one of most well edited pieces I've read so far in the past two days (although I have been reading and editing for the past seven plus hours now, but I'm about 95% sure that its basically error free - well except for the "Prolgue" if you see it).
The two things I've noted above where the only moments I stopped and thought.."What?" But, you had all the indicators that what ever you where not going to tell the readers at the moment they are reading it, would be revealed later (I hope I'm still typing English).
The "stained the sheets rose" was a unique touch. Using the typical red rose color that symbolized love, passion, etc. to depict death. Can't say it doesn't work, can't say it does. It's just very different. Probably would take some time for a reader to get use to the idea.
There isn't much else I can say (I think). Great job, and keep it up.
7Leon WiteI will only review your Prologue. If you want me to do the rest, let me know (just in case what I have to say isn't helpful or not what you are really looking for.)
With that being said:
1st paragraph: the introduction is very well written; a really good hook.
"Boats sliding slightly along the carpeted floor,.."? Are you talking about an actual boat? or are you talking about the trash like "a boatload". Is there another definition for boat that is more uncommon? like "a container for holding incense before it is placed in the censer"? I felt like I've missed something.
"He scrunched his nose in disgust before pushing open the door.." So, from how it goes on, they didn't hear him walk in. And apparently they were so engrossed in their "dirty deeds" to even see him from the corner of their eyes or "felt" his presence. I think that might be something worth mentioning? How stealthy his is?
I give you kudos. This is one of most well edited pieces I've read so far in the past two days (although I have been reading and editing for the past seven plus hours now, but I'm about 95% sure that its basically error free - well except for the "Prolgue" if you see it).
The two things I've noted above where the only moments I stopped and thought.."What?" But, you had all the indicators that what ever you where not going to tell the readers at the moment they are reading it, would be revealed later (I hope I'm still typing English).
The "stained the sheets rose" was a unique touch. Using the typical red rose color that symbolized love, passion, etc. to depict death. Can't say it doesn't work, can't say it does. It's just very different. Probably would take some time for a reader to get use to the idea.
There isn't much else I can say (I think). Great job, and keep it up.
1/13/2016 c1 5Whirlymerle
Hi there! Returning your review!
So the leather clad man. He’s creeping up the stairs so I imagine he’s trying to be secretive, but then his boots are also thunking heavily. I feel like if he really made an effort to creep, his boots would not be thunking.
I really like the imagery of the half eaten banana that had been sprouting a lower form of life. I like that the image makes readers think, and I think the writing is great and really vivid here.
[the snow white bedsheets covered up the dirty deeds] I’m confused, if they’re on top of the bed, how can the bedsheets cover up the orgy?
So I thought this is an interesting start, the quirky combination of being in the backwoods of Mississippi *just* worked with some assassin wielding a katana. I feel like the chapter sets up the piece to be light and playful (if in a macabre kind of way). Of course, that might not be the case, and I’m interested in seeing where/how you take.
5WhirlymerleHi there! Returning your review!
So the leather clad man. He’s creeping up the stairs so I imagine he’s trying to be secretive, but then his boots are also thunking heavily. I feel like if he really made an effort to creep, his boots would not be thunking.
I really like the imagery of the half eaten banana that had been sprouting a lower form of life. I like that the image makes readers think, and I think the writing is great and really vivid here.
[the snow white bedsheets covered up the dirty deeds] I’m confused, if they’re on top of the bed, how can the bedsheets cover up the orgy?
So I thought this is an interesting start, the quirky combination of being in the backwoods of Mississippi *just* worked with some assassin wielding a katana. I feel like the chapter sets up the piece to be light and playful (if in a macabre kind of way). Of course, that might not be the case, and I’m interested in seeing where/how you take.
1/8/2016 c1 6Victoria Best
Hello!
Wow, great start! I love that ending! I have so many questions. Who is the mysterious man? Why did he kill the couple? I am guessing, due to your summary, that the man with the katana is the man who left the Order of the Cleaning Fist, and is now seeking revenge on them. So, by that logic, the couple he killed were part of the Order? I have so many questions so I guess I will have to keep reading to find out! :D But yeah, great job on setting up the plot in this prologue without giving too much away, and already feeding us these mysteries. I have a feeling this is going to be an original, very complex story.
The writing in this was great. I love the line, "Graced his thin lips." It would have been a pretty line anyway, but the word 'thin' adds just that bit extra to help us visualise the character.
I also loved the first paragraph. There was great, humorous juxtaposition between the well-written descriptions of the states, before moving swiftly onto the description of the couple. Very cleverly done and made this an original and engaging opening. Similarly, further down the juxtaposition between the "dirty deeds" and the "Snow White bed sheets," was also very well done. I hope there will be more clever lines like this! I think it will really enhance the story and make it something special, as it has done with this chapter!
Also, I enjoyed the very subtle lines that introduce the mystery man's personality, for example when you state that Kill Bill was one of his favourite fllms. You have to be a very certain sort of person to really appreciate Tarantino films, in my opinion (I am one of those sorts of people) so this subtle line acted as a nice nudge to the character's personality.
No problems that I could see. Keep writing! :D
6Victoria BestHello!
Wow, great start! I love that ending! I have so many questions. Who is the mysterious man? Why did he kill the couple? I am guessing, due to your summary, that the man with the katana is the man who left the Order of the Cleaning Fist, and is now seeking revenge on them. So, by that logic, the couple he killed were part of the Order? I have so many questions so I guess I will have to keep reading to find out! :D But yeah, great job on setting up the plot in this prologue without giving too much away, and already feeding us these mysteries. I have a feeling this is going to be an original, very complex story.
The writing in this was great. I love the line, "Graced his thin lips." It would have been a pretty line anyway, but the word 'thin' adds just that bit extra to help us visualise the character.
I also loved the first paragraph. There was great, humorous juxtaposition between the well-written descriptions of the states, before moving swiftly onto the description of the couple. Very cleverly done and made this an original and engaging opening. Similarly, further down the juxtaposition between the "dirty deeds" and the "Snow White bed sheets," was also very well done. I hope there will be more clever lines like this! I think it will really enhance the story and make it something special, as it has done with this chapter!
Also, I enjoyed the very subtle lines that introduce the mystery man's personality, for example when you state that Kill Bill was one of his favourite fllms. You have to be a very certain sort of person to really appreciate Tarantino films, in my opinion (I am one of those sorts of people) so this subtle line acted as a nice nudge to the character's personality.
No problems that I could see. Keep writing! :D
12/28/2015 c2 1ShayGar
Interesting character you have here. I feel like most assassins just slice and dice, and then hit the road. It's fun seeing this man being so interested in his victims, enough to give them a lesson on the human bone structure. :)
A few grammatical errors here and there, but other than that, it sounds like an interesting story to follow as it unfolds!
1ShayGarInteresting character you have here. I feel like most assassins just slice and dice, and then hit the road. It's fun seeing this man being so interested in his victims, enough to give them a lesson on the human bone structure. :)
A few grammatical errors here and there, but other than that, it sounds like an interesting story to follow as it unfolds!
12/18/2015 c1 1bluebear54
I like the personality you gave him. A lot of times these types of scenes are pretty straight forward.
Having him munch on the persons food as he continues to search through the house is kind of entertaining and adds to his character. Very good setup!
1bluebear54I like the personality you gave him. A lot of times these types of scenes are pretty straight forward.
Having him munch on the persons food as he continues to search through the house is kind of entertaining and adds to his character. Very good setup!
12/3/2015 c3 Red Dearest
"Story time, bitch" Lolol
I loved it XD several mistakes, but awesome nonetheless!
I'm glad you incorporated old characters. Can't wait to see what happens next!
"Story time, bitch" Lolol
I loved it XD several mistakes, but awesome nonetheless!
I'm glad you incorporated old characters. Can't wait to see what happens next!
11/8/2015 c2 3This Guy Again
This scene was really nice and gritty, the violence goes a long way to setting the tone for the kind of story this is going to be. However I felt myself wanting to know a little bit more about the surroundings. I imagined some kind of car park (parking lot I guess is the American term) because of the mentions of asphalt, but then again that stuff is pretty widespread.
I think some subtle but important details would really help set the scene here. If they're in an empty parking lot at night, you could mention how the blood glistens in the street-lamps or how his head was parallel to the lines of a parking bay. Just little things like that help the reader imagine the situation without explicitly being told where they are.
I enjoyed the dialogue. The character comes across as fairly unhinged, which I seems to be what you were going for, and it works really well. One thing I should mention though is that if dialogue extends past one paragraph, you need to start the next paragraph with a quotation mark, though you don't need to end the paragraph with one if it carries on.
I won't waste too much time talking about the mathematical error that some of the other reviewers have already picked up on. It happens a lot when you change your mind with numbers in a story, you have to make sure you go back and make sure everything adds up which can be kinda tedious if you decide to change a long way in.
Overall this was an enjoyable chapter, even if it was a little on the short side. The characterisation is good, but I'm still wanting to see a little more plot development.
3This Guy AgainThis scene was really nice and gritty, the violence goes a long way to setting the tone for the kind of story this is going to be. However I felt myself wanting to know a little bit more about the surroundings. I imagined some kind of car park (parking lot I guess is the American term) because of the mentions of asphalt, but then again that stuff is pretty widespread.
I think some subtle but important details would really help set the scene here. If they're in an empty parking lot at night, you could mention how the blood glistens in the street-lamps or how his head was parallel to the lines of a parking bay. Just little things like that help the reader imagine the situation without explicitly being told where they are.
I enjoyed the dialogue. The character comes across as fairly unhinged, which I seems to be what you were going for, and it works really well. One thing I should mention though is that if dialogue extends past one paragraph, you need to start the next paragraph with a quotation mark, though you don't need to end the paragraph with one if it carries on.
I won't waste too much time talking about the mathematical error that some of the other reviewers have already picked up on. It happens a lot when you change your mind with numbers in a story, you have to make sure you go back and make sure everything adds up which can be kinda tedious if you decide to change a long way in.
Overall this was an enjoyable chapter, even if it was a little on the short side. The characterisation is good, but I'm still wanting to see a little more plot development.
11/8/2015 c1 This Guy Again
As first lines go, I have to admit, this one hooked me pretty well. The whole seedy southern slum scene is one that's always appealed to me for some reason.
Where spelling/grammar-wise this was generally solid throughout, although two things did catch my eye.
[The bathroom proved to be just as groady as the living room...] I'm fairly certain that 'groady' should be 'grody'.
[Boats sliding silently along the carpeted floor...] I guess 'boats' is meant to be 'boots'?
Aside from these two really minor errors, everything else was good.
I enjoyed seeing the assassin's disgust at the squalid living conditions of the apartment, even killers have standards, though I'm a little unconvinced that a man so willing to cut people up with a sword would be so opposed to seeing them in their birthday suits. That being said, it could be an interesting character point :)
I like prologues that, as this one does, provide us with a little tease of what's to come, rather than just being infodumps that are long enough to be chapters in their own right. The ending certainly leaves me wanting to know where this is going, and does a good job in encouraging the reader to carry on.
Overall, a nice little prologue!
As first lines go, I have to admit, this one hooked me pretty well. The whole seedy southern slum scene is one that's always appealed to me for some reason.
Where spelling/grammar-wise this was generally solid throughout, although two things did catch my eye.
[The bathroom proved to be just as groady as the living room...] I'm fairly certain that 'groady' should be 'grody'.
[Boats sliding silently along the carpeted floor...] I guess 'boats' is meant to be 'boots'?
Aside from these two really minor errors, everything else was good.
I enjoyed seeing the assassin's disgust at the squalid living conditions of the apartment, even killers have standards, though I'm a little unconvinced that a man so willing to cut people up with a sword would be so opposed to seeing them in their birthday suits. That being said, it could be an interesting character point :)
I like prologues that, as this one does, provide us with a little tease of what's to come, rather than just being infodumps that are long enough to be chapters in their own right. The ending certainly leaves me wanting to know where this is going, and does a good job in encouraging the reader to carry on.
Overall, a nice little prologue!
11/2/2015 c2 5Time And Space In The Balance
So far this is good. I'm getting the grungy sorta gritty vibe to it, which you've done really well. It's grim, dark, claustrophobic and scary, while at the same time remaining funny in a black-humour sort of way. I like it. It feels very much like the book I'm reading at the moment (Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits, which is recommended, incidentally). I like that sense of revelling in the darkness of it.
However:
Thirty minus six is twenty-four.
Also, Toby changes his name in the penultimate line.
Other than that, nice job as always! I have to say, I prefer this to Lessons of the World, but maybe that's just me :P
Thankyouu! "*-*"
-TSB
5Time And Space In The BalanceSo far this is good. I'm getting the grungy sorta gritty vibe to it, which you've done really well. It's grim, dark, claustrophobic and scary, while at the same time remaining funny in a black-humour sort of way. I like it. It feels very much like the book I'm reading at the moment (Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits, which is recommended, incidentally). I like that sense of revelling in the darkness of it.
However:
Thirty minus six is twenty-four.
Also, Toby changes his name in the penultimate line.
Other than that, nice job as always! I have to say, I prefer this to Lessons of the World, but maybe that's just me :P
Thankyouu! "*-*"
-TSB
10/24/2015 c2 Red Dearest
YEHHHHH! That was ! You definitely upped the violence and went so smoothly, I love it lol
The 30 minus 6 bit confused me, but then I realized he said he had no molars. So that gives ya the 20 heh.
I'm fascinated with this man. Is he a vigilante of sorts his need for violence coincide and he ended up helping that gal? He's clearly fascinated with human body, that 207th bone joke Hehehe!
This was awesome as all gets out. I can't wait to see how this connects and unravels and what you have in store for these characters. It's obviously not the guy previous chapter because he's a germiphobe and katana. I can't wait for more! :))
YEHHHHH! That was ! You definitely upped the violence and went so smoothly, I love it lol
The 30 minus 6 bit confused me, but then I realized he said he had no molars. So that gives ya the 20 heh.
I'm fascinated with this man. Is he a vigilante of sorts his need for violence coincide and he ended up helping that gal? He's clearly fascinated with human body, that 207th bone joke Hehehe!
This was awesome as all gets out. I can't wait to see how this connects and unravels and what you have in store for these characters. It's obviously not the guy previous chapter because he's a germiphobe and katana. I can't wait for more! :))
10/24/2015 c2 Guest
HA! That was fucking epic! DUDE! This was bloody amazing! I loved it! SO GOOD!
Though, the only part that confused me was the 30 minus 6 bit, but then I remembered he said he had no wisdom teeth, so it's actually 30 minus 10, giving ya the 20 lol
It was totally epic! That 207th bone bit, heh! I love it! Scott, this was amazing. This guy has a fascination with the human body lol and he seems to be a vigilante, helping that gal. Hmmmm, unless he just likes to be violent for fun. I'm super intrigued. I can't wait to see how everything connects in the end, it's exciting! I can't wait for the next chapter :D
Awesome job!
HA! That was fucking epic! DUDE! This was bloody amazing! I loved it! SO GOOD!
Though, the only part that confused me was the 30 minus 6 bit, but then I remembered he said he had no wisdom teeth, so it's actually 30 minus 10, giving ya the 20 lol
It was totally epic! That 207th bone bit, heh! I love it! Scott, this was amazing. This guy has a fascination with the human body lol and he seems to be a vigilante, helping that gal. Hmmmm, unless he just likes to be violent for fun. I'm super intrigued. I can't wait to see how everything connects in the end, it's exciting! I can't wait for the next chapter :D
Awesome job!