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for This is a Typical Story

7/2/2018 c1 21RainbowPearls
Seems interesting to me-
You've beautiful portrayed the human nature and the qualities describes were do true. There's no doubt that persistence, hard work and courage to continue will earn success and a good status in this world whereas the negative qualities like "Greed", "Tyranny", "Addiction", "Unfairness are solely attached to the cruel term called power.
6/17/2018 c3 43zanybellecloudo
The descent into death can't be easy for anyone, least of all a fifteen year old animé loving gamer. You portray the descent with confusion and almost disbelief from Joseph's pov. Intentional? I don't know. He mocks and annoys death because he isn't grasping the reality I guess. Then he stumbles into the sorrow of all that is lost, which ultimately forces him to break free. This line echoed the final realisation of a life over, before it has even been lived: "heavily contrasting to the emptiness in Joseph's heart. Emptiness that had repelled attachments and thinking. Emptiness that was there and not."
Now, I wonder if Joseph is the darker character to hero Joe? May explain his constant feelings of being a terrible human being. In many ways, I do not believe he is as he perceives himself or his situation. Especially given how Ingress quickly became a burden: "Up till this moment, the sword had never felt so heavy in Joseph's hand, like cement, like, like, power.". He doesn't really want this. He just wants to sit on a normal sofa and watch animé (preferably in the original language with subtitles because otherwise it loses half its meaning.) For that, this is probably anything but a 'typical story'. Thanks for sharing. ZB.
6/17/2018 c2 zanybellecloudo
Nothing wrong with randomness.
Before I start on the story, what I admire greatly is the intellectual narrative. It does not talk down to the audience or simplify sentences, which sadly many writers do. You have an ability to articulate your stories intelligently. Not something I say often. If ever. Example: "to run strategically". Your writing ability is highly impressive. Your dialogue also flows naturally between Joe and Joseph, almost effortlessly entertaining and fun. Feels like I'm there listening.

So the story. Initially I thought Joe and Joseph were the same person. A mind flaw. Rereading, I see Joe is the heroic demigod in this world and Joseph his friend. Loved that everyone was on edge with the greatness of Joe. The concept of being weirded out by heroes is cleverly accurate. We all love superheroes, just not on our buses.
Animé: Loved the conversation about originality and presentation of story ideas. The sofa monster first reminded me of the Cat Bus (Studio Ghibli) because I love inanimate objects coming to life in strange ways. Your description of a 'drunken bull' made the whole scene vivid and extremely enjoyable. A great imagination. Do not let it go to waste.
Overall, probably one of the most unique and intelligent chapters I've read on here. Thanks for sharing your work, ZB.
6/17/2018 c1 zanybellecloudo
This felt like the voiceover intro to an epic movie. Remember Terminator Two where Sarah Connor is explaining what's happened in the future? Really felt like it would fade into a futuristic world where power had destroyed everything we know and love. Profound meaning in your description of power: "That is why they have "Power", not only because of their capabilities, but because of the fundamental flaw of the human society, the "logic" that dictates and binds us humans together." Power is the greatest flaw and evil which travels through time and plagues us. An intriguing start and I look forward to reading the story. Love a manga especially if it includes sci-fi elements. Excited. ZB.
1/5/2018 c1 323iu2309fjanka
I'm going to die reading this.
6/23/2016 c2 1Chenna13
Well... I think you've accomplished the random element quite well.

I enjoyed this chapter, mostly because it was a challenging read. I LOVE the narrator's comments, but it took me a while to catch on that Joe and Joseph were different people. Is it intentional to have the names be so similar? If so, I would actually advise against that, if only because there's SO MUCH going on with trying to understand this chapter, that adding the element of the names sort of seems cruel.

I'm not familiar with 'Otaku', but this main character is bothering me a little. The conversation felt really forced. I think I would enjoy this more if I enjoyed HIM more, but maybe that will come with later chapters? The problem I had in the prologue (sentences with too many words) spilled over into this one a lot, and that also makes this even more difficult to understand when reading. You should try to simplify your writing more... I think you could find room to do that without compromising the intention behind your story.
6/22/2016 c3 3This Guy Again
Hey there, returning the favour from the roadhouse here!

First thing I'll say is that unfortunately I'm not very taken to your protagonist. Teenage protagonists are hard enough to believe as it is, but a 15 year old otaku is just a character that I'm really going to struggle to like. I get that you might be attached to the idea (believe me, I know how hard it is to scrap an idea you love) but I can't help but feel you're immediately deterring a lot of possible readers with Joseph being the way he is.

I have to say, the style in this chapter is much better than the previous chapter. One thing I'd be very careful of though is the overuse of separating things into two lines. There's a whole section where it's just line after line of the same kinds of sentence. Variety is absolutely essential to keeping your readers interest. I must admit that I struggled not to skip the middle section.

But with that said, this was still easier going than the previous. I think your story would benefit a lot if you were to go back and make the first two chapters a little bit more like this. As they stand I can't help but feel like they're quite likely to deter possible readers.

One thing that I've noticed you do quite a lot of is have random words in quotation marks. I'd very much stress that quotation marks are really only for dialogue. If you're trying to show a character's thoughts, use italics. If you're trying to emphasize something, use italics!

In terms of story and plot, this chapter was actually one of the most coherent so far. At the end of the chapter you leave us with a nice teaser, and it's obvious that Joseph now has a goal. Much better! I still like the concept of a character who is self-aware of story elements like plot armour and luck etc. though it's going to take a fair amount of editing and ruthlessness to make this story as good as I'm sure it can be!
6/20/2016 c1 4SForces
What were you trying to achieve with this prologue. I picture a space background with words slowly rising from it. It was full of facts just given to us and I'm not sure what to make of it. These were also somewhat generic facts.

At the end of reading this prologue the only lines that get me interested are the last two lines. Not sure if this was entirely on purpose? Or if there is some greater meaning to it that just went right over my head.
6/18/2016 c2 2R.M.Spencer
I know that you mean for there to be a lot of random things and tense inconsistencies but unless it is absolutey necessary I would change that. I usually try to be more positive but I honestly had a hard time reading this and couldn't finish it. The elements you want about in the author's note are just too distracting. You may have a good story here but there was just too much going on with that to follow it.

I'm sorry, I know this seems like a really harsh review and maybe our styles are just too different but sometimes abstract writing can be taken too far. The fact that you need a disclaimer means that you should probably make some changes.

I hope you don't take this personally, I am just trying to be helpful as a fellow writer.
6/15/2016 c3 Naerie
I really like where this is going, however I do feel that the overall tone of this piece is just a little bit too random for me and I find it a little difficult to follow.
However, I must commend you on a great story that certainly shows promise.
All the best,

~Jaye
6/15/2016 c2 Naerie
...Definately interesting.
This might be my opinion as a writer, but I felt a little swamped with dialogue. But it does work well with your story. I can sympathise with the inability to activate editor mode. There was only one missing full stop that I found.
... And now I can't find it again...

Confusing, but certainly entertaining. Nice of you to include an explanation of the terms used too and I want a sofa monster as a pet now.

~Jaye
6/15/2016 c1 Naerie
I've never been one for reading Manga based stories but, I thought I'd give your story a try.
So this opening for the tale is certainly strong and interesting to say the least.
Looking forward to reading this.

~Jaye
5/31/2016 c2 2LostCriesofTime
You have a character called Joe and one called Joseph?! My mind just kind of exploded. There were points here where I was lost, but I'm not sure whether thats just me being tired and so not as on the ball, I just found it far more difficult to focus on this chapter.
I love the randomness though. A sofa monster, thats pretty awesome.
I liked the end, too, where he becomes strong and his sword gets engraved with a pretty cool word, ingress. The cliffhanger at the end is pretty dramatic and out of the blue :P
5/31/2016 c1 LostCriesofTime
This is a very intriguing start. I like the fact you're keeping everything about this story (so far) mysterious and I love your contemplation of the way things are/should be/will soon be, it gives a sense of greatness to this piece before I've even begun reading the story proper.
I like the sense of ground breaking inevitable chance you hint at in the final sentence, and I like the little hints as to what this story will feature, such as mentioning miracles/unexplained phenomenon. Also the reference to Zero One theory ( which I wasn't aware covered unexplained phenomenon ) is a very nice touch.

Just a query on your chosen punctuation (not a criticism at all, I'm questioning because I'm genuinely curious as to your choice) how come you chose to put ["Unfairness!".]? Was the exclamation mark linked to all of the words ["Greed", "Tyranny", "Addiction", "Unfairness!".] or was it directed specifically at Unfairness? If so why? If not then please ignore the query :P I wondered whether it was a hint at what the emphasis would be later on in the tale.
The reason I wondered was because the full stop seems to be the chosen punctuation for the whole sentence, as it is outside of the speech marks, while the use of the exclamation mark inside the speech marks, followed by an all encompassing full stop for the sentence, has me wonder whether it was only for the one word.
5/20/2016 c3 20dmasterxd
Well, it didn't really bother me too much in the previous two chapters but here I think it might be a little too confusing...It took me a while to really understand what was going on. But other than that, I didn't have any problems. The parody elements are still good and humorous. Loved the Gurren Lagann reference, haha. It's a nice and fun story overall. Keep it up!
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