for Fate Again4/29/2016 c9 
8LorrahBear
Come on, Samantha! Forgive the man!
I'm glad he's had such a turn of behavior. I could understand Samantha not trusting such a sudden shift. It seemed unlikely that he'd wait that long, but hey, in romance stories, people do all kinds of things! :)
8LorrahBearCome on, Samantha! Forgive the man!
I'm glad he's had such a turn of behavior. I could understand Samantha not trusting such a sudden shift. It seemed unlikely that he'd wait that long, but hey, in romance stories, people do all kinds of things! :)
4/16/2016 c8 LorrahBear
Hello! I enjoyed this chapter. :) I did notice a few spots where the tenses swapped briefly, and a few more where the punctuation/capitalization was slightly off during the conversation (IE: "'You can go to Hell, Hawke[,]' Samantha yelled...")
I look forward to more!
Hello! I enjoyed this chapter. :) I did notice a few spots where the tenses swapped briefly, and a few more where the punctuation/capitalization was slightly off during the conversation (IE: "'You can go to Hell, Hawke[,]' Samantha yelled...")
I look forward to more!
1/23/2016 c7 LorrahBear
This was an interesting chapter. I liked getting to see Sam and Jared finally interact, and it was good to see just how much they dislike each other (or how differently). There were a couple spots that read awkwardly, such as the section on the dogs seeking her 'godly' attention, but overall, not bad!
This was an interesting chapter. I liked getting to see Sam and Jared finally interact, and it was good to see just how much they dislike each other (or how differently). There were a couple spots that read awkwardly, such as the section on the dogs seeking her 'godly' attention, but overall, not bad!
1/10/2016 c6 LorrahBear
Malory must have some remarkably redeeming qualities for all she seems to put Samantha through. I wasn't fully able to understand why she was screaming so much during the moving process. Was she just overwhelmed and that's how she deals with it?
Malory must have some remarkably redeeming qualities for all she seems to put Samantha through. I wasn't fully able to understand why she was screaming so much during the moving process. Was she just overwhelmed and that's how she deals with it?
1/10/2016 c5 LorrahBear
What on earth was Marcus doing, letting the bimbo kiss him!? Just because you can't speak (due to mouth on mouth), that doesn't mean the rest of his body is broken. He can back up with his feet or push with his hands. Turn his head away!
I'm not sure I like him.
What on earth was Marcus doing, letting the bimbo kiss him!? Just because you can't speak (due to mouth on mouth), that doesn't mean the rest of his body is broken. He can back up with his feet or push with his hands. Turn his head away!
I'm not sure I like him.
1/10/2016 c4 LorrahBear
There are a few spots where commas are missing, and I did notice one small typo ("[Sighing], he raked his long writer fingers in his blond hair...").
That being said, I thought you did a really great job with the way you've done the conversation. It was smooth and realistic, especially when they were debating about whether or not to tell Sam that Jared was coming.
There are a few spots where commas are missing, and I did notice one small typo ("[Sighing], he raked his long writer fingers in his blond hair...").
That being said, I thought you did a really great job with the way you've done the conversation. It was smooth and realistic, especially when they were debating about whether or not to tell Sam that Jared was coming.
1/10/2016 c3 LorrahBear
My biggest suggestion for this chapter would be to watch out for speech lines. There are a couple times where one person is talking, and then they continue talking on the next line. This isn't necessarily bad, except that it can be a little confusing at first to figure out if I missed a response somewhere.
My biggest suggestion for this chapter would be to watch out for speech lines. There are a couple times where one person is talking, and then they continue talking on the next line. This isn't necessarily bad, except that it can be a little confusing at first to figure out if I missed a response somewhere.
1/10/2016 c2 LorrahBear
I enjoyed this second chapter, and I'm intrigued to know more about how all these different relationships intertwine. There's clearly some history, and I like how you're slowly giving me tidbits. Just enough to keep me curious. I look forward to how they move in the future!
I enjoyed this second chapter, and I'm intrigued to know more about how all these different relationships intertwine. There's clearly some history, and I like how you're slowly giving me tidbits. Just enough to keep me curious. I look forward to how they move in the future!
1/7/2016 c4 6Victoria Best
Hello!
Nice chapter! I love how realistic your dialogue is. "Long time no see, huh?" I can really imagine the characters saying those words. Great job! The plot continues to be interesting, with some lovely lines of description, such as, "Blue eyes smiling of joy." Lovely piece of writing. I'm looking forward to reading more!
6Victoria BestHello!
Nice chapter! I love how realistic your dialogue is. "Long time no see, huh?" I can really imagine the characters saying those words. Great job! The plot continues to be interesting, with some lovely lines of description, such as, "Blue eyes smiling of joy." Lovely piece of writing. I'm looking forward to reading more!
1/5/2016 c1 8LorrahBear
Interesting start to this story! I'm excited to start getting back into what you write. :)
There were a few sections where the flow of things felt just slightly off, but overall, I enjoyed this. I look forward to reading more!
8LorrahBearInteresting start to this story! I'm excited to start getting back into what you write. :)
There were a few sections where the flow of things felt just slightly off, but overall, I enjoyed this. I look forward to reading more!
12/9/2015 c20 Guest
I really like this story. I think the plot is about to get really interesting with whatever it is Jay and Sam are going do face. One question though is it supposed to be "signed" or "sighed"?
I really like this story. I think the plot is about to get really interesting with whatever it is Jay and Sam are going do face. One question though is it supposed to be "signed" or "sighed"?
11/28/2015 c13 CuteK
That last chapter was awesome and so romantic!
That last chapter was awesome and so romantic!
11/8/2015 c3 6Victoria Best
Hello!
Okay, this was better. This is more like it!
In this chapter we start to see some character personality and detail, which is great. I liked the conversation between Flynn and Sam, helping to show their close relationship, and the line "Flynn said softly, glancing at his sister's head poking beneath the covers." A brief line, but hinted the love he feels for his sister without explicitly telling us, and was a nice, tender moment. I also liked the line following - "seeking a good morning kiss" which I felt was great in detailing his love for Samantha. This is what we need to see more of in this chapter and the last chapter - lines and moments which detail the characters' personalities and relationships with each other.
Some good description here as well. "Shooting
daggers with her beautiful hazel eyes." Great line! Adds description of the character and does a great job of showing us that she is angry and not telling us.
Another piece of description I loved was "fleetingly catching glance." Very beautiful way to put this! More intriguing sentences like this would be wonderful.
Yes! The beginning of the second half was great and really went back to your roots in the prologue. Great, very telling narrative.
Comment about grammar - "'good morning sweetheart.' Flynn said softly," needs to be "good morning sweetheart," Flynn said softly. If you are adding a comment such as he said, he laughed, he joked, etc, in needs to be a comma before the closing quotation mark.
Another comment about grammar - "what did I say li-…. Ohh." Don't put a dash and an ellipses next to each other, and there are only three dots in an ellipses, and putting more than one 'h' in 'oh' can seem unprofessional in the industry, but of course this is up to you.
You need to add complexity to your characters. I am struggling to find real personality, depth and originality. I am yet to see something that makes me go "wow! Yes! This is a great character!" Or "yes, he definitely has an anger problem/ great sense of humour/ intelligence, etc."
Again, be careful of the telling thing again. "The nickname triggered some feeble threads of her not so alluring past," we do not need this sentence. The words "daring look" are enough to show us that she is not happy with the nickname for some reason. Also, we do not need the words "frustrated sign" - the fact that he is "twiddling his thumbs" is enough to tell us that he is frustrated.
In addition, there is just too much dialogue once again and it is unnecessary. It isn't moving the story along, isn't adding detail, personality and complexity to the characters and isn't showing or building the characters' relationships. And, with limited narrative around the dialogue, like the precious chapter, it feels scripted. You write narrative so well, like in the beginning of the second half of this chapter, so please, please, please immerse your dialogue with narrative, because not only would it remove the script-y feel, but would also enhance the story dramatically and showcase your writing ability. And definitely go through and get rid of any unnecessary dialogue. In published books, dialogue parts tends to literally just be about three-quarters or a side of A4 double-spaced maximum. Keep it succinct. I always ask myself questions when writing dialogue - does this show character, does this show or build relationships and does this move along the plot. If the answer is no, I get rid.
Going back to what I said in the last chapter, you can totally do this! The awesome parts in this show that. You're a great writer. Keep writing!
-Vicky
6Victoria BestHello!
Okay, this was better. This is more like it!
In this chapter we start to see some character personality and detail, which is great. I liked the conversation between Flynn and Sam, helping to show their close relationship, and the line "Flynn said softly, glancing at his sister's head poking beneath the covers." A brief line, but hinted the love he feels for his sister without explicitly telling us, and was a nice, tender moment. I also liked the line following - "seeking a good morning kiss" which I felt was great in detailing his love for Samantha. This is what we need to see more of in this chapter and the last chapter - lines and moments which detail the characters' personalities and relationships with each other.
Some good description here as well. "Shooting
daggers with her beautiful hazel eyes." Great line! Adds description of the character and does a great job of showing us that she is angry and not telling us.
Another piece of description I loved was "fleetingly catching glance." Very beautiful way to put this! More intriguing sentences like this would be wonderful.
Yes! The beginning of the second half was great and really went back to your roots in the prologue. Great, very telling narrative.
Comment about grammar - "'good morning sweetheart.' Flynn said softly," needs to be "good morning sweetheart," Flynn said softly. If you are adding a comment such as he said, he laughed, he joked, etc, in needs to be a comma before the closing quotation mark.
Another comment about grammar - "what did I say li-…. Ohh." Don't put a dash and an ellipses next to each other, and there are only three dots in an ellipses, and putting more than one 'h' in 'oh' can seem unprofessional in the industry, but of course this is up to you.
You need to add complexity to your characters. I am struggling to find real personality, depth and originality. I am yet to see something that makes me go "wow! Yes! This is a great character!" Or "yes, he definitely has an anger problem/ great sense of humour/ intelligence, etc."
Again, be careful of the telling thing again. "The nickname triggered some feeble threads of her not so alluring past," we do not need this sentence. The words "daring look" are enough to show us that she is not happy with the nickname for some reason. Also, we do not need the words "frustrated sign" - the fact that he is "twiddling his thumbs" is enough to tell us that he is frustrated.
In addition, there is just too much dialogue once again and it is unnecessary. It isn't moving the story along, isn't adding detail, personality and complexity to the characters and isn't showing or building the characters' relationships. And, with limited narrative around the dialogue, like the precious chapter, it feels scripted. You write narrative so well, like in the beginning of the second half of this chapter, so please, please, please immerse your dialogue with narrative, because not only would it remove the script-y feel, but would also enhance the story dramatically and showcase your writing ability. And definitely go through and get rid of any unnecessary dialogue. In published books, dialogue parts tends to literally just be about three-quarters or a side of A4 double-spaced maximum. Keep it succinct. I always ask myself questions when writing dialogue - does this show character, does this show or build relationships and does this move along the plot. If the answer is no, I get rid.
Going back to what I said in the last chapter, you can totally do this! The awesome parts in this show that. You're a great writer. Keep writing!
-Vicky
11/8/2015 c2 Victoria Best
Hello!
Again, thank you for your kind words on my story. Here is your returned review!
I love the imagery in this. One line I particularly enjoyed was "on the other side, Jared was watching the fiery sunset in all its glory with the colours merging together." Wow! What a great line! Very vivid and well-written and it really enabled me to picture it.
I also am enjoying the characters, particularly Flynn. I can't wait to see the character grow and develop and finding out more about him. The dialogue was also strong and felt realistic and flowed well. It also helped to show some characterisation. Well done!
A few comments for this one. Be careful not to "tell" rather than "show." Most of the chapter was good, but I think it has slipped subconsciously into your work in a few places. For example, instead of "worrisome" eyes, describe what they look like to hint that they are worrisome. Also, when you tell us "she felt bad, so bad." Is there a better way you can put this? A way that isn't so telling.
"'Jared Hawke' He spoke waiting for the person on the other line to answer." The grammar in this is all over the place. I think you meant to say "Jared Hawke," he spoke, waiting for the person.
Same with this sentence "'Flynn exclaimed on the phone thanking god that he was having a conversation with Jared on the phone, not face-to-face." It's missing a comma before the word "thanking" and you say the words "on the phone" twice.
In addition, I think there was too much dialogue in this - the whole thing is basically dialogue, which is not good. I do feel there needs to be at least 40% more narrative and description, such as description of the characters, of how they are looking as they say those words, and little comments to suggest personality, as so far I am struggling to get a feel for this. It just felt too much like a script, not a story, which is a shame because the last chapter was descriptive and detailed.
Also, I just didn't feel there was any action in this, so the plot is travelling very slow and nothing seems to be happening.
I am being a bit harsh, I know :( I hate being the big bad wolf. It's just that the last chapter was so good that to read this was disappointing. I know you've got it in you because your last chapter was so strong and intriguing! Look back at the prologue and you will see what I mean and take inspiration from it and I know you can do this and bring this up to the same standard. You can do it! I have faith in you!
Keep writing! It's all about improving and improving and you will get there. You've got the talent, just need to apply it.
Onto the next chapter I go!
-Vicky
Hello!
Again, thank you for your kind words on my story. Here is your returned review!
I love the imagery in this. One line I particularly enjoyed was "on the other side, Jared was watching the fiery sunset in all its glory with the colours merging together." Wow! What a great line! Very vivid and well-written and it really enabled me to picture it.
I also am enjoying the characters, particularly Flynn. I can't wait to see the character grow and develop and finding out more about him. The dialogue was also strong and felt realistic and flowed well. It also helped to show some characterisation. Well done!
A few comments for this one. Be careful not to "tell" rather than "show." Most of the chapter was good, but I think it has slipped subconsciously into your work in a few places. For example, instead of "worrisome" eyes, describe what they look like to hint that they are worrisome. Also, when you tell us "she felt bad, so bad." Is there a better way you can put this? A way that isn't so telling.
"'Jared Hawke' He spoke waiting for the person on the other line to answer." The grammar in this is all over the place. I think you meant to say "Jared Hawke," he spoke, waiting for the person.
Same with this sentence "'Flynn exclaimed on the phone thanking god that he was having a conversation with Jared on the phone, not face-to-face." It's missing a comma before the word "thanking" and you say the words "on the phone" twice.
In addition, I think there was too much dialogue in this - the whole thing is basically dialogue, which is not good. I do feel there needs to be at least 40% more narrative and description, such as description of the characters, of how they are looking as they say those words, and little comments to suggest personality, as so far I am struggling to get a feel for this. It just felt too much like a script, not a story, which is a shame because the last chapter was descriptive and detailed.
Also, I just didn't feel there was any action in this, so the plot is travelling very slow and nothing seems to be happening.
I am being a bit harsh, I know :( I hate being the big bad wolf. It's just that the last chapter was so good that to read this was disappointing. I know you've got it in you because your last chapter was so strong and intriguing! Look back at the prologue and you will see what I mean and take inspiration from it and I know you can do this and bring this up to the same standard. You can do it! I have faith in you!
Keep writing! It's all about improving and improving and you will get there. You've got the talent, just need to apply it.
Onto the next chapter I go!
-Vicky
11/6/2015 c1 Victoria Best
Hello!
Thank you for reading and reviewing My Psycho and for your kind words. Here is your returned review!
Interesting start. I am already intrigued. It is definitely quite unusual, a start that I have not seen in a story before. Acts as a real hook to reel the reader in. Great job!
You are certainly a talented writer. I particularly enjoyed these sentences "sharply defined"
"through his brain vigorously" and "ecstasy coursing through his body." Very vivid imagery. I could really picture it happening.
I loved the main character. His image and connection with his characters is so intense - in fact, possibly even a little obsessive and unnerving. Through his description of his characters and the information about his strong connection with them, I think readers will get a better understanding of the character himself - he is clearly very immersed in his writing, telling us a lot about his own, possibly slightly obsessive, personality. I am looking forward to seeing how his character develops throughout the story.
I also enjoyed repetition of the line "fate again." Very powerful and thought-provoking and again tells us a lot about the character.
Small comment - there should be a comma before "Sir" - "good evening, Sir." Another comment I have is that it does go on a little. I loved the first half, regarding his writing, and then it started to feel a little long. This would have been all right in a proper chapter, but prologue need to be short, sharp and succinct - they are just a way to introduce the story, really. My prologue is quite long so I know I don't have strong grounds to talk, but it is fast-paced. Possibly more action in this, less description and cutting it a little shorter would be perfect, but of course it's your story and it's entirely up to you; this was just my personal opinion from reading.
Otherwise, I really enjoyed this and will be looking forward to reading more. Thanks again for reading and reviewing My Psycho. Have a lovely weekend and keep writing!
-Vicky
Hello!
Thank you for reading and reviewing My Psycho and for your kind words. Here is your returned review!
Interesting start. I am already intrigued. It is definitely quite unusual, a start that I have not seen in a story before. Acts as a real hook to reel the reader in. Great job!
You are certainly a talented writer. I particularly enjoyed these sentences "sharply defined"
"through his brain vigorously" and "ecstasy coursing through his body." Very vivid imagery. I could really picture it happening.
I loved the main character. His image and connection with his characters is so intense - in fact, possibly even a little obsessive and unnerving. Through his description of his characters and the information about his strong connection with them, I think readers will get a better understanding of the character himself - he is clearly very immersed in his writing, telling us a lot about his own, possibly slightly obsessive, personality. I am looking forward to seeing how his character develops throughout the story.
I also enjoyed repetition of the line "fate again." Very powerful and thought-provoking and again tells us a lot about the character.
Small comment - there should be a comma before "Sir" - "good evening, Sir." Another comment I have is that it does go on a little. I loved the first half, regarding his writing, and then it started to feel a little long. This would have been all right in a proper chapter, but prologue need to be short, sharp and succinct - they are just a way to introduce the story, really. My prologue is quite long so I know I don't have strong grounds to talk, but it is fast-paced. Possibly more action in this, less description and cutting it a little shorter would be perfect, but of course it's your story and it's entirely up to you; this was just my personal opinion from reading.
Otherwise, I really enjoyed this and will be looking forward to reading more. Thanks again for reading and reviewing My Psycho. Have a lovely weekend and keep writing!
-Vicky