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for Two Brothers

3/1/2016 c2 4SForces
The plot is starting to develop and it is going pretty well. It is interesting to see what Ally is going to do with a target above his head now with the $75,000 bounty.

What I noticed is throughout both chapters you haven't really described much of a setting or where we are except for a couple of key words. The first chapter we know a school, but we don't know anything about the school. 2 story, 12 story, 1000 story. We don't know anything about if it's a school with 4,000 students or 400 students (which is a huge difference in atmosphere.) Then we get taken to a camp, where from what I read we don't seem to know much about that. Is it band camp? is it summer camp? Boy scouts? How many kids are at this camp.

If I'm correct Ally is grown up? or is he just a teenager now? I'm unsure. The second think I noticed is when you were describing characters in the first chapter you mentioned key words that let's us see them, red hair, black hair etc. But in this one you didn't really describe much of these characters.

For example: Tate seems grumpy when he is first introduced. He also has a lack of concern when he gets Ally's name wrong. Is this because he's 60, been at the camp his whole life and just doesn't care anymore? Or is he near the same age as Ally and he is just stressed with having to look for people with supernatural powers. Then because of this he accidentally takes out his emotions passive aggressively in such instances like pretending not to care that he pronounced Ally's name wrong.

Look forward to future chapters, keep it up!
3/1/2016 c1 SForces
Pretty good start to this chapter. I noticed in the beginning you did a bit of telling instead of showing.

"Nor did he want to be late for school."

We get that he doesn't want to be late for school but the imagery in the first couple of statements with him brushing his hand through his hair and staring at his watch did a much better job at conveying that message. Give the reader the subtle information he needs to let him make the conclusion that the character doesn't want to be late for school. Not only will it add details to make your character appear more real, but it will make the reader think they are sooo smart. haha.

He had a bored look on his face.

Same as above. Give the details and let the reader think "Wow that character must be bored or irritated at the moment" instead of just telling us he's bored.

Other than a few details here or there it looks like you have a great story with some potential on your hands. Side note, the reader is not quite sure what this story is about between the title and this first chapter except the brothers. Not sure if this is intentional or not.

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