3/8/2017 c1 13Shailaputri
I didn't get to read this story previously. Interesting..

2/4/2017 c2 Danica West
Wait.. why is the prologue posted twice?

I get that you're re-uploading but did you re-upload the wrong chapter?

I'd like to see what happens next :)

4/2/2016 c1 1ladytemily
Nice and quirky, with a good dose of humor throughout! The narrator obviously does not have full grasp of her senses, but to her credit, it makes her stream of thought pretty hilarious. (And let's be fair, who among us would expect a guy to drop out of the sky?)

The story pulled me in with the bizarre premise, and kept things lively with a few twists thrown in for good measure. Makes me pretty curious why she was filming him, and why that might have incited him to such anger!

Like Carousel, your writing here is marvelous. Most of the attention is kept on the thought process of the protagonist, for good reason, but you still sneak in some nice imagery - such as sense trickling into her body "like sudden slighters of cold water," for example.

3/15/2016 c1 10Be My Valentine
First up...the summary *drools* That's what attracted me to it first. Haha. Let me play you at chess. Have you ever read the Demonata books by Darren Shan? That's what that part reminded me of :P And I looooove Darren Shan, so...

I'm wondering why certain words are capitalized in the middle of a sentence. Like Hell, and Earth...especially in the Earth instance. I've read many stories with the, "What on earth are you doing?" line and I don't think, once, I've seen it capitalized. Earth is a common noun (so is hell), and isn't usually capitalized. Source: .com(slash)capitalization(slash) .

I approve of your first chapter. It has a slight, neurotic, childish tone that will work well for a stalker. You can tell she's a little cray-cray. What do you mean "writing from the heart?" Are you saying, you want this story emotionally driven? Hey, don't flagellate yourself. This is only the first chapter, I'm sure you will rock "writing from the heart."

I can't wait to read chapter 2 *rubs hands* but since I'm running late, it will have to be tomorrow!

(Also, I just noticed.)

["Holy shit!" A voice was yelling...]
Exclamation marks and question marks fall under a different category from periods. I would consider "a voice was yelling" as a dialogue tag, so I would punctuate like this:

"Holy shit!" a voice was yelling

I mean a little later you say,

["Bit over-dramatic," were the cool, fast words thrown out of the man's thin, soft, incredibly kissable lips.]

It's the same thing, no? You didn't capitalize 'were' in the second instance, because you recognized that entire line as a dialogue tag. Same with 'a voice was yelling.'

[Sorry, my speciality is punctuating dialogue. After I read a grammar book on it, it's all I keep noticing, non-intentionally.]

Love all the Walking Dead, BBC Sherlock and Cara Develigne references. Makes it very current ;)

2/28/2016 c10 12MTveit
Such a great story. Can't wait to see what happens next!

2/28/2016 c2 12MTveit
I don't find her 'spiky' at all. I suppose her thoughts about Halley helps soften her up a bit, and I could see that progressing during the story. I love the idea of life being goldfish bowls... Genius! And I see that this story was posted last year, so you really don't have to think about returning reviews (if you even see this). I would gladly review without knowing you'd return it. On to the next chapter!

2/24/2016 c5 4m. b. whitlock
“The rest of the night ran by liquidly.”
This opening sentence doesn’t quite work for me, but I like the image/metaphor a lot, esp the way it refs the fact that they are drinking a lot. I think if you made a minor cut the line would be brilliant: ’The rest of the night was liquid.’

This is funny:
“This was a notion contested only by Zack, who had another Zack-quake about one being way too early (just a magnitude five).” Really like the “magnitude five” bit!

Cut **:
“Halley didn't even know that I liked him a bit, that I had *done* right from the start.”

Cut **:
“his gaunt cheeks and slight lips seemed to pull themselves down *when they thought no one was looking*.“

“Those were big enough to ferry Hollywood's Chihuahuas around.”
Maybe say ‘to ferry all the Chihuahuas in Hollywood around’. Otherwise, because Chihuahuas are tiny little dogs (esp the favs of Hollywood starlets) it seems like you wouldn’t need something very big to ferry them around.

Like!:
“It was pretty sad knowing that I would never, ever be loved the way Cale loved his coffee. And that's harsh, knowing coffee has a better love life than you.”
Really like Kasey’s self-deprecating humor here.

saying his full name (esp his surname) seems awkward:
“"So, in Caleb Marin language, that means you've only just turned up, right?””
why not say ‘“So, translation, you've only just turned up, right?”’
Is it important that we learn Cale’s full legal name here?

I like how you are consistently weaving in supernatural references throughout the story. It is interesting to me that the possible ‘supernaturally inclined’ characters are both guys…the werewolf parkour dude and now the vampire/ghost/demon coffee fiend…:
“"I flew," Cale muttered, disinterested. It's sentences like these that don't help our supernatural suspicions about him one little bit.”
The fact that Kasey is a virgin plays off this in intriguing ways. Guys appear to be mysterious, dangerous and magical to her.

Interesting that Cale leaves so quickly after Jonah makes that negative comment about coffee. It makes me wonder why he showed up in the first place. I’m thinking he might be interested in Kasey.

I like the plot/character dynamics here:
“Halley's curvy frame stationed in the doorway, arms crossed tightly and foot tapping away rhythmically. She was glaring. A spearing, searing glare, sharpened not at Jonah, but at me.”
Great way to show your readers how Halley’s relationship with Jonah is altering their friendship with Kasey. I’m also getting that Halley feels threatened by how close Kasey and Jonah have been.

Kasey’s reaction to here is kind of sad:
“She had a right to be annoyed. It didn't look good, Jonah and I sitting there cosily like that. I would have been miffed, too, if it was me. I should have made Cale stay with us, or gone back to bed. Stupid. Stupid!”
I don’t see how Halley’s actions could be considered justified at all. I mean Kasey and Jonah were just talking over tea! They weren’t even close to making out. Halley is super possessive and jealous it seems. This gives me more insight into Kasey’s character though. She has a lot of insecurity if she thinks Halley’s behavior is not only reasonable but that she would have reacted the same way herself… There is a lot of room for growth for Kasey. It will be fun to see her develop some self-confidence!

Really fun description of Saffron’s room:
“Fairy lights in the shape of water lilies twirled around the twisting, metallic frame of her bed and the cream walls were adorned with *strange but spectacular* pieces from around the world, *such as a sheet of* Chinese calligraphy and a painting of a Japanese temple.”
I learn a lot about the character reading this. You could edit it down some, it’s a bit unwieldy. Here’s a quick suggestion:
‘Fairy lights in the shape of water lilies twirled around the twisting, metallic frame of her bed and the cream walls were adorned with Chinese calligraphy and Japanese paintings.’

Don’t think you need this sentence because you already showed us what you tell us here in the previous one:
“Saffron's room was a celebration of life, a room embracing cultures from around the world, all coming together to form something *spectacular*.”
You also repeat “spectacular”.

I am really enjoying the closeness of this group. It makes sense that they just hang out all the time in each other’s rooms. So many YA stories don’t get this, how teenagers form interchangeable groups, how they have multiples of friends, not just one or two ‘besties’.

Funny bit with Zack watching porn on Saffron’s laptop. Makes sense for his character.

Whoa, Halley is quite paranoid it seems:
“It was a brief conversation, ending with her sharp, paralysing, "I don't want you talking to him anymore, Kasey. You can hang out with him when we are all together. No more just you and him.””

I’m not sure what you mean here:
“I accepted this, and I released this. Like catching a lead balloon in one hand and letting go of one in the other.”
Accepted what? Released what? Also don’t really get the “lead balloon” metaphor…

It seems so sad that the children don’t know Sarah is in the hospital, that she is alone there without her family. I have to say as someone who grew up visiting my father in the hospital often, it’s hard to imagine a contemporary family operating this way. Seems more 1930s or nineteenth century even. I mean it seems like Sarah will be away for a week if not longer and then return in a cast… She’s not going to see or get any comfort and love from her family for a week or more…? Just so the children don’t have to face one of the most fundamental realities of life, that accidents happen, that people get sick, that people die?

Okay, if Sarah has a broken arm, a cracked rib, and was in a COMA for a significant period of time I can’t believe the hospital would release after a single night:
“"Tomorrow, I think.””
Of course, Kasey is likely lying again.

Well, overall I enjoyed this chapter a lot! It’s really only the end with Sarah’s accident that I think you might want to seriously revise. Why not have Kasey have to manage the children at the hospital, give us that scene and show us maybe how Kasey uses the situation to teach her younger siblings about life a little…?

Looking forward to reading more!

vb,

mbw

2/23/2016 c8 7Leon Wite
Sorry, been busy (probably going to get busier since Midterm and stuff).

A few small/meh things:

A horizonal line that separated the scene with Zack exiting, and Gabe entering her work place.

beginning: (eighty per cent).

Here is where I get a bit confused:

I could have sworn Kasey (I'm just going to call her K - easier to remember) was fascinated with the guy, not wanting him to get caught. I had the impression that thrill he gives her just by watching him got her blood pumping and excited. Now she is echoing what her friends say? Was it because he was rude? (if so might want to mention that). If I was so fascinated I would have went to hear him out. He is an enigma, a mystery. She cared enough to not want him to think of her as a stalker. Now she is saying no, kind of avoiding him. Why? Was there something I missed? Not knowing what G is doing or thinking since its not in his perspective is one thing, but for K?