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for Starcorp 1: Escape from Sol

3/18/2016 c40 johnrieder
WOW! Excellent story...will there be more?
2/3/2016 c1 1CREEEEEEEEED
TL;DR Good read if you can get past the poor quality writing. (Hey, it's fiction press, what can you expect?)

A very nice plot line, with some original ideas. Original ideas are very rare, so I applaud you.

Tbh I really wanted to see the earthers stomp all over the star/corps but I guess you can't have everything.

Here is some constructive/angry criticism:
Have you ever noticed that professional, big name authors don't a) describe every single character and b) start their description of every character (should they choose to do so) with their height?
There are a myriad of reasons for this. Firstly, someone's height will not add to the plot unless it is a defining characteristic. If, for example, people bully the protagonist for being short, say they are short. Not they are 5' 4". After a while the specific height in feet and inches not only clutters up the page and slows down reading but also becomes boring, repetitive and inevitable.
Another point about descriptions of characters, and this can be found in the work of many authors, so don't feel too bad about it, is that centering the description around someone's attractiveness is not very good way of going about it. Take for example the description of the characters Michael and Rebecca:

"Martin Fitch was a fairly attractive sixteen-year-old boy. He stood five-foot-eight-inches tall and looked to be ideally proportioned in every way. Rebecca Sullivan was a pretty fifteen-year-old girl. She measured little higher than five-foot-six and was clearly at the height of her bloom."

The only points here are their height and how pretty/attractive they are. When these two factors had featured in everyone's description so far (remember this was only chapter 10/40, so not even very far through), I as a reader was just bored by it. I stopped caring, it was just meaningless clutter on the page that took time to read and didn't impact in any way on the scene. Take the beat the excerpt is from with the descriptions cut out:

'The three teenagers were watching this monitor when Oscar walked up to them.
"Hey Oscar," Martin greeted as he turned in his direction.
"Hi," Rebecca greeted with a smile an instant after Martin.
Sawyer surmised from the way that she shouldered up next to Martin that the relationship between them was close.
Anthony Skolnick was the third teenager waiting outside the game pod.'

It reads much more smoothly and is much more concise (remember kids, concise writing is good writing). Nothing has been lost of importance, and the reader can form their own image of the characters from their actions and speech without the mindless and repetitive drudge.

Point two: Please study how to correctly use the comma. At first I though the random scattering of commas in the wrong places was just a series of typos, however, it was so common and so consistent in it's appearance that it couldn't have just been a series of typos.
This (again from chapter 10, so both examples can be referenced easily), 'The building was a two-story high, structure' is one of the worst abuses of the comma I have ever seen, and there were a lot of situations like this. Why would a comma go there? It doesn't follow the three basic rules of comma use. It's not between two clauses, so the comma isn't needed. There is no list, two-story and structure being part of the same descriptive construct rather than two separate things that need listing. Two story structure is all one, see. Thirdly, there is no additional information/detail being given that would be require commas to seperate it. Think brackets for this one. Jeff (who was 12) reached for a cookie. Jeff, who was twelve, reached for a cookie.

None of those three situations apply here, so don't do it!

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