for Agape3/23/2016 c2 
2Jon Keeling
Once again, a lovely way to set the scene. Your image of heaven is nice and reads well.
This chapter had a nice pace to it.
Nice bit of intrigue building in this.
Good work.
2Jon KeelingOnce again, a lovely way to set the scene. Your image of heaven is nice and reads well.
This chapter had a nice pace to it.
Nice bit of intrigue building in this.
Good work.
3/23/2016 c1 Jon Keeling
Nice start to this piece. I enjoy the opening - you set the scene pretty nicely.
The set up of the characters was nice. A good example of showing your reader the characters.
I also liked the way you described the transformation. It seems a bit Nordic in the ways you described the angel. Like a Sif-esque character of Thor.
Your choice in names...I don't know much about mythology nor history, but Theofilus sounds a lot like Friend of God in Greek...The same can be said about Filotea. Is there anything behind these names?
Nice start to this piece. I enjoy the opening - you set the scene pretty nicely.
The set up of the characters was nice. A good example of showing your reader the characters.
I also liked the way you described the transformation. It seems a bit Nordic in the ways you described the angel. Like a Sif-esque character of Thor.
Your choice in names...I don't know much about mythology nor history, but Theofilus sounds a lot like Friend of God in Greek...The same can be said about Filotea. Is there anything behind these names?
3/17/2016 c1 7Vladvonbounce
I really like the demon vs angel scene here. Although an angel smoking I found a bit odd. It sets up a lot of interesting questions. How long has the demon been possessing this guy? Is the angel also possessing the woman?
The language is really descriptive and eloquent although there were a couple of small errors
"coked" instead of "cocked"
"Theo moved so fast all most of the patrons saw" I get what you are trying to say but I would change the wording around.
Fight scene was great although when she first stepped into the alley she seemed kind of unprepared for a fight. I wouldn't have thought he would have been able to take her down quite so quick? Also where did the sword come from?, Maybe she could have been armed with the sword before hand rather than the pistols. I am not sure where or when this is set but you don't normally see people, particularly women walking into bars with pistols very often. I wonder maybe if you should end the chapter after the fight scene which is nicely conclusive and then move the bit where he wakes up to the next chapter.
Overall I really like it.
7VladvonbounceI really like the demon vs angel scene here. Although an angel smoking I found a bit odd. It sets up a lot of interesting questions. How long has the demon been possessing this guy? Is the angel also possessing the woman?
The language is really descriptive and eloquent although there were a couple of small errors
"coked" instead of "cocked"
"Theo moved so fast all most of the patrons saw" I get what you are trying to say but I would change the wording around.
Fight scene was great although when she first stepped into the alley she seemed kind of unprepared for a fight. I wouldn't have thought he would have been able to take her down quite so quick? Also where did the sword come from?, Maybe she could have been armed with the sword before hand rather than the pistols. I am not sure where or when this is set but you don't normally see people, particularly women walking into bars with pistols very often. I wonder maybe if you should end the chapter after the fight scene which is nicely conclusive and then move the bit where he wakes up to the next chapter.
Overall I really like it.
3/16/2016 c4 4SForces
One thing I noticed is the discussion with the angels. She said he had not seen her because if he had he would have gone deaf and dumb. From my understanding according to many works, whenever a mortal lays eyes on an angel he does not go deaf and dumb but rather he goes blind. I'm curious how seeing something has to do with your auditory senses?
4SForcesOne thing I noticed is the discussion with the angels. She said he had not seen her because if he had he would have gone deaf and dumb. From my understanding according to many works, whenever a mortal lays eyes on an angel he does not go deaf and dumb but rather he goes blind. I'm curious how seeing something has to do with your auditory senses?
3/16/2016 c3 SForces
Not sure why this is a chapter on its own. Nothing much happens except him being found in an alley and being brought into the bar. Decently written but it might be better to use it as setting up a bigger even than to make it its own chapter.
You also do a lot of telling instead of showing. Example "Theo was not in the mood for games" How could you tell? Did he scowl? Did he glare at Patrick? Shake his fist?
Imagine if you wrote that sentence like this instead.
His sharp green eyes glared at Patrick while pain coursed through his entire body. It felt like he had been slammed into by a carriage and a brief image of his warm bed beckoned to him from afar.
Not bad though, it is definitely an interesting story thus far.
Not sure why this is a chapter on its own. Nothing much happens except him being found in an alley and being brought into the bar. Decently written but it might be better to use it as setting up a bigger even than to make it its own chapter.
You also do a lot of telling instead of showing. Example "Theo was not in the mood for games" How could you tell? Did he scowl? Did he glare at Patrick? Shake his fist?
Imagine if you wrote that sentence like this instead.
His sharp green eyes glared at Patrick while pain coursed through his entire body. It felt like he had been slammed into by a carriage and a brief image of his warm bed beckoned to him from afar.
Not bad though, it is definitely an interesting story thus far.
3/16/2016 c2 SForces
Nice start for the story currently.
-The setting needs a little work. We know we are in a tavern and it was described beautifully. But is this 4000 BC or 3030? Huge difference on the time period.
-The second thing I noticed is your descriptions were confusing. You first described him with a silver topped cane and young man eyes. This is contradictory if you were unintentionally using the cane to bring in his age.
-The second thing is you said he was slurring his words yet said "Pour me another." He talks many other times in the story but the sentences are always coherent. The use of the word "slurring" implies he's either drunk or getting their. You need to show this in the dialogue by actually slurring his words.
-Another thing is you compared his eyes to twin emerald eyes. But then you said his eyes blazed an unnatural red. Did his eyes change on purpose? If so you need to make it clear as to why because otherwise it just causes confusion based on the imagery of his eyes from earlier.
- With the woman you use the word "emerald" a lot to describe her eyes. You also say "green eyes" a lot as well. The first time you told us her eye color was sufficient. You can then trust the reader to remember that eye color and have it pictured for the rest of the chapter. Bringing it up over and over is unnecessary to the progression of the plot.
Nice start for the story currently.
-The setting needs a little work. We know we are in a tavern and it was described beautifully. But is this 4000 BC or 3030? Huge difference on the time period.
-The second thing I noticed is your descriptions were confusing. You first described him with a silver topped cane and young man eyes. This is contradictory if you were unintentionally using the cane to bring in his age.
-The second thing is you said he was slurring his words yet said "Pour me another." He talks many other times in the story but the sentences are always coherent. The use of the word "slurring" implies he's either drunk or getting their. You need to show this in the dialogue by actually slurring his words.
-Another thing is you compared his eyes to twin emerald eyes. But then you said his eyes blazed an unnatural red. Did his eyes change on purpose? If so you need to make it clear as to why because otherwise it just causes confusion based on the imagery of his eyes from earlier.
- With the woman you use the word "emerald" a lot to describe her eyes. You also say "green eyes" a lot as well. The first time you told us her eye color was sufficient. You can then trust the reader to remember that eye color and have it pictured for the rest of the chapter. Bringing it up over and over is unnecessary to the progression of the plot.