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11/15/2020 c5 6Darth Zannacross
Ah, the scale of the story is going to be even bigger then I figured since we have this Austin entering the stage...how curious. He seems to be part of a VERY different world then Jessica's so, should be fun to see how things inter lap.
11/15/2020 c2 37Starart152
This is a nice chapter where they had to deal with the consequence of their father death in that world where little people care for the others.
I wasn't expecting them to already know that Christina was a vigilante and they want to be a part of it. Maybe the sisters are skipping a few steps because they just lost their father for now.
11/14/2020 c4 6Darth Zannacross
Damn, we throw a timeskip in here like its Batman Begins. Thanks to her aunt being cool they don't have to wiggle around to get what they need, the Professor seems interesting, we will see if she can be trusted soon enough. Guess we will see how much of a pain these Blue moons are?
11/14/2020 c2 Darth Zannacross
Well, Jessica clearly is motivated for vengeance, guess we will see if she goes more down the path of Green Arrow or the Punisher soon enough, hope her aunt will pull through though as she seems rather cool.
11/13/2020 c1 Darth Zannacross
Hey there Ulquiorra9000 saw your story and figured I'd give it a shot.

The Coopers seem to have rather bad luck with how quickly things go to hell, guess she had better luck then Batman avenging her father...but looks like things are going to pick up rather fast depending on what her aunt does. Guess we will see, a fun start to what seems to a fun story.
5/3/2016 c24 Rouge the Man
Ch.20 - Again, Austin acts like a 16-year-old, and his father treats him like a 16-year-old (surprise surprise). "Austin, you're grounded! No phones or computer for the week!" Maybe his good conscience is supposed to make me feel sympathetic about him, but really I can't. I think Austin characterization needs some overhaul. If he is supposed to draw sympathy as a guy that's trapped in a world he doesn't like, then he needs to behave sympathetically. Selling his own father is not a sympathetic move by any standard (yes, even "bad guy" standard). Nor throwing tantrum.

Ch.21 - "You've only got seconds before he finds you..." Then what is Susie doing cyberchatting with Jessica with detailed real names and escape plans? Do these guys not know about cryptic languages? And even after the TS46 finds out everything, Jessica still escapes. So Susie effectively blows out Jessica's cover, and the Blue Moons still fail to kill Jessica. If I were you, I would overhaul this chapter to a more believable level.

Ch.22 - The reunion of Jessica and May is actually touching. I like that.
Vlatko actually shows a sign of intelligence by waiting for the Aphrodite and Richard Marshall duking it out, then maybe he can sweep the winner. I just don't like the fact that everybody lines up behind Aphrodite. I know it is the good guy of the story, but let it solve its problem by itself without sudden "power ups" from different directions.

Ch.23 - Ahhh, auction! "Heeeeeyyy twenty five twenty five twenty five five five five aaaannd... sold!" Sorry, can't help it. I kinda like this auction scene even without the redneck auctioneer (maybe you imagine it as an English kind-of auction. I like the redneck auction better). It's a change of pace from the gritty violence some chapters before. Too bad it ends with another... surprise surprise, violence. Oh the humanity.
5/2/2016 c24 1Tomoyuki Tanaka

At least they're using call-signs now. Why didn't Jessica use call-signs in her communication with Susie?

I'm not sure what to make of this scene, but yeah, some people can be bastards. Like that bitch. At least her boyfriend's a decent bloke. Or so it seems. Too bad the best-laid plans never go according to planned. And the auctions feel a bit off, but I guess that's the world you've built up. Sex slaves exist even now, after all, so it doesn't feel too far-fetched.

And the hackers-for-hire seem...a bit off. I dunno.
5/2/2016 c23 Tomoyuki Tanaka
Aphrodite again. What is it with the characters all turning to Aphrodite?! Vlakto and Ruza have no relationship whatsoever with them, no direct contact, and exactly like Austin, didn't even care about Aphrodite before...and now because Richard pulled this stupid stunt, Aphrodite becomes this freaking universal solution to throw at Richard!? Are there no better alternatives!?

And let's be honest. In the real world, even if someone backstabs you or you become aware of this mafia thing running about in the city you're living in...will you all of a sudden turn to a vigilante corporation that you were never interested in or have no contact with other than through the news? It just feels forced and unnatural, like you're contriving to make Aphrodite the good guy and main plot element, at the expense of logic and realism.

Now, think about the Dark Knight. If you're a victim of crime, do you suddenly turn to Batman and call to him to beat up Scarecrow or the other villains? The police do...but that's because they have direct contact with him! Commissioner Gordon actually receives and communicates with Batman, so it's natural that he'll cooperate with him. That's the police in your story, and it's believable, which is why I understand why the superintendent/sheriff works with Aphrodite (but I just realize that Christina is taking a big risk revealing about her niece...if the police is compromised and happens to be bought out by Richard, Jessica will be DEAD). But random characters like Ruza, Vlatko and Austin, who have no relationship whatsoever? Do you think the victims in the Dark Knight will actively go looking for Batman to get him to save them from the mafia? No, they will not.

I also realized that it was kind of dumb that Susie and Jessica are using their real names in the online chat, but forgot to mention it before. Don't undercover agents use code names? We use call signs in the military. Nobody uses their real names like "Susie" and "Jessica" as their call signs or ID, that's ridiculously risky, especially if it leaks out.

And Ruza's last line, just like most of your romance scenes so far, is awkward and...unnecessary. I know you want to make a reference to Aphrodite being the goddess of love, but unfortunately, love has absolutely nothing to do with what's going on here, and is totally irrelevant. It feels tacked on to hit the reader over the head on how Aphrodite is the "good guys" and to somehow remind us who Aphrodite originally was, but the disconnect is just too huge. Not to mention, the analogy totally falls flat when you consider that Aphrodite isn't a warrior and doesn't go around shooting arrows (or guns). That was Atermis.

You really need to work on your romance scenes...
5/2/2016 c22 Tomoyuki Tanaka
I just found something hilariously wrong with the concept of Tomas Dragovic and Richard Marshall. The dude steals a freaking cyborg...just to use him for hacking? Wouldn't it be cheaper to hire a computer science student and buy a high-grade laptop for him to hack? The whole S-tier thing and tiers just feel a bit...weird and unconvincing. How is Tomas a better hacker than say the other hackers? Just because Vlakto combined his brain with machine? Why would that work better than say, a human working together with a sophisticated AI (like the aforementioned computer science student and a laptop with highly sophisticated AI and advanced software)? It's just a waste of money to develop a cyborg...just to use him for hacking.

And are the Blue Moons still not wearing helmets? Bloody hell, getting guns pressed to their foreheads and being shot. One sentence you mentioned them having dark helmets, and the next, Zoya is getting shot in the head. When did she take off her helmet? I guess she did. Must have missed that.

I still find it hilarious that the Blue Moons are shooting and riding bikes at the same time. How are they holding their guns when they need to ride a bike? With their mouths? I thought you would have corrected that already, but never mind. Maybe I misread it and it's the passengers firing and not the bikers.
5/2/2016 c21 Tomoyuki Tanaka
What does Richard mean when he keeps saying, "it's not too late to fix this."? I don't understand. What exactly does he expect Austin to do? Shoot Vlatko or something? And man, bugging his own son, that's really low.

And Austin's outburst about joining Aphrodite just came out of nowhere. He has no relation to the group whatsoever and because his dad is being corrupted he suddenly thinks it's a good idea to join them? Wouldn't a normal person consider other alternatives instead of running off to join a vigilante or paramilitary group? His comment was unnatural and forced, like, hey, let's randomly have this guy join Aphrodite for the sake of plot! But you see, he has absolutely no contact with them whatsoever, direct or indirect, only hearing about their feats. And he wasn't even that interested in hacking or whatever, so why would he suddenly talk about them?

And wow...posting 4 chapters at once. I hope you understand if I'm unable to read all of them in one go, though you'll be sending me PMs wondering why I haven't read the other chapters yet.
5/2/2016 c20 Rouge the man
This chapter makes me scratch my head.
1. I understand Austin's guilt, but why did he tell Vlatko that his father had betrayed him? Isn't Vlatko a Serbian mafia? So Austin goes from one mafia to another mafia?
2. So after Richard betrayed everybody, now everybody lines up behind the Aphrodite?
3. "You have shown nobility... " I don't think so. Austin gave up his own father to another mafia. Maybe the intention is good, but in a mafia world, it's the same as stabbing his father from the back. Vlatko should know this too. He shouldn't complement Austin.
4. If Austin is worried about Ruza, why did he tell Vlatko about his father betrayal? Save Ruza *first*, then tell everybody about his father.
5. "Richard may take serious action against me..." Vlatko just learnt that he's been betrayed by Richard Marshall, and he's worried about "serious action"? I feel like everybody in this story has a screwed priority. If I were Vlatko, I would take "serious action" against Richard Marshall before he took "serious action" against me. He's the one that betrayed me. Why should I be worried?
6. "Best performance"? Like what? Time? Endurance? Size?
5/1/2016 c20 Tomoyuki Tanaka
That ending part was just so...abrupt and unnecessary. And awkward. And best performance yet? I thought you were writing Austin as a sympathetic character trying to do the right thing, and then suddenly you have this sentence that implies (probably not what you mean) that he was acting all along and deceiving Ruza. If that's what you meant, then sorry, good job. But from what I've been reading so far, that doesn't match how you've built up Austin's character.

Ruza running off to join Aphrodite (and Austin too) will be...too out of character. I understand Vlatko's stance a lot more than Ruza. The guy has his reasons, and if I'm in the same shoes, I'll probably do the same thing. Keep it smooth, play by ear and see how things go. However, if I see an opportunity to rescue Dragovic, I will do so. But that's just me. Ruza is a bit too hot-blooded to understand that, I suppose.
4/27/2016 c19 Tomoyuki Tanaka
I thoguht Jessica was close to the professor, but she has no reaction to his death whatsoever. Huh. Well, she only cares about her sister and aunt, huh? Poor professor...

Richard is a SOB. If I could, I would go through the computer screen and strangle him. He didn't pay a single penny for Dragovic, and now he's trying to get his money's worth, and whining about how his prize is cracking? I really want to pummel him. Argh.

I wonder if Jessica will wake up the next morning with a hangover, and finding herself naked next to a guy in bed...
4/27/2016 c18 Rouge the man
I really like the action scene. It's everything a R-rated story should be. The death scenes are realistic. Both sides lose men, unlike typical PG-13 story where "all good guys survive, all bad guys suffer horrible death". I never like the professor so I'm glad he's gone. Poor May still looks up to him, but this is street-gang war. She has to be ready for it.

I particularly like the bleak and dark vision of this story. It is different than your typical PG-13 stories where the main characters are always overly protected and never had a chance to use his/her full potential. In this story the main characters are put in a "loosing battle" and had to fight their way out. This is what I want to see in a good story.
4/23/2016 c18 Tomoyuki Tanaka
All right...for one thing, Susie got what she deserved. She'll be more humble next time, or so I hope. Bitch was getting obnoxious with her over-confidence. Ghost? What ghost? Dragovic is the new ghostbuster, ha ha ha! Serve you right!

May...uh, well, may May survive this. The professor evidently didn't. A pity, he was the only likeable character in the bunch of misfits. Argh. I get that May and Jessica are supposed to be the main characters, but I don't feel so emotionally attached to them. I dunno why. And Susie is such a ...never mind. I don't really like her. Christina feels a bit distant, but at least she's that nice aunt. Only the professor really stood out as a character, and now he's dead! Argh.

By the way, you can't shoot out tires. That's only a movie thing. In real life, bullets are more likely to bounce off and richochet from the tires than blow them out. Just an interesting tidbit.
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