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for Shaurngun Magic

3/15/2016 c1 6Victoria Best

Returning your review!

I like this so far! I think you've got an interesting premise, and certainly a unique one. I'm intrigued to see where it is going to go. The neck-snapping was really chilling, and well-written. Yikes! Made me cringe :p Your narrative style is also very neat, very fluent, and I enjoyed reading it. I think this has the makings of a great story!

Love your opening! Brilliant way to start the story. It drew me in straight away. Certainly not the usual story opening! I also enjoyed the gradual world-building, like the mention of magic, Sharungen and invisible walls. It all seems unique and engaging, and Im looking forward to finding out more about it.

Some gorgeous lines in this also, like the "bright, clear irises rolled."

I think some of this could be neatened up. Do we need so much dialogue? I'm not sure that all of it is necessary. Some lengthy paragraphs in this also, like the one starting with "Shell-shocked." I don't think we need to know straight off the bat the past history of the character's magic, seems a bit telling and it's a lot of information to take in at once. Maybe something more succinct would be good here.

Also, some of the lines could be shortened, like the line starting with "Nevellyn or Nebe" and the one at the end, "to her surprise..." Might be worth going through and checking for these longer sentences.

That's about it! Loved it. Keep writing!
3/15/2016 c1 9TheBeastlyPrincess
You know what I love this story. I love it because it is my kind of story, I love ones that give a little darkness and a love story and that is what you have done. I cam here from the review game. But I swear I honestly want more from this story. Pls update soon. I also liked Blue's character because of how it contrasted with hers.

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