4/24/2016 c1 27Monty Mason
Hey 360pages,

Let me start this review off by saying that if anything in this honest review sounds too harsh, it is written with the intention to help you improve. Also for others reading this, the review will refer to specific parts of the chapter, so spoiler alert.

So as I start reading, I don’t know if this sentence is intentional or not, but when read out loud it sounds a little confusing. The sentence I refer to is the following: The red eyed demon girl in a black and white gothic dress, the beautiful blonde tied to a tree as his eyes narrowed.

So are there two women there or just one? Consider revising that sentence for a bit more clarity. Now since this is a humor story, I imagine the following dialogue was written with the intention of giving us giggles: “Ugh, think of something sad, think of your life Jeff, that is pretty sad.”

If so, I must say that the dialogue came off as too bland in tone. Perhaps having a break in between the dialogue describing the director pausing, or you describing her tone can help bring in a sense of comedic timing and a better tone to the dialogue.

Okay so I will say the major issue with this comedy story is the comedy right now. There does not seem to be much of a build up to the jokes for it to pay off later. The only joke that did actually made me laugh a little was the morals one, and that was at the end. The rest of the chapter felt like it was trying, but it missed quite a few vital components to make it work. You need to be a lot more descriptive with the character actions and emotions when building up the jokes. You need to pace it out well instead of trying to throw one joke right after another. Keep in mind, while I may not have laughed as the intended effect, someone else may have due to different preferences in comedy.

Thing(s) done well:

- The light hearted aspect of a comedy is there, although it is still somewhat flawed due to the comedy lacking in impact. It is more like a light hearted slice of life story right now.

Suggestion(s) for improvement:

- Revise your story for grammar and spelling errors.

- Try to be more descriptive, especially during the comedy build up. Try to make your writing more detailed for the actions, facial expressions and the tone the characters speak in.

- Pace out your jokes. Having too many jokes at once can be detrimental to the overall impact of the story. Too many jokes can also easily wear out a reader quite quickly (this is a subjective point).

- Take some time in the first chapter to briefly describe all the characters, this helps the readers get accustomed to them and quickly determine if they like them or not. Right now, I have no opinion of any characters presented here due to the very general descriptions we got about them.

Your story feels like it would benefit from becoming a comedy comic rather than a story of this format. Detail is a must if you choose to continue this one, as well as better pacing to setup the jokes. Other than that, even if for me personally it wasn’t as funny, it was a nice light hearted slice of life read. Also, I would recommend putting this in the Humor section of this site rather than manga; you may be able to reach a more targeted audience that way.

I hope this review helps, or at least gives you something to think about for your future chapters. If you have any questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to PM me :).

~ Monty