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6/25/2018 c2 43zanybellecloudo
This was my favourite line by far: "and perhaps the future really is. Dark. Clouded by the mass of human dreams." It holds so much meaning, those few words. It feels like this character is struggling amidst a war of sorts. It is like a descent from the world, no doubt a side affect of battle. The story is fragmented such as how did he come to be there and what is psi, and the general? Is he just being silent during the gapped speech? Is gapped a word? So many questions. You could string together the elements and expand them. I'd like to read the full thing someday. Thanks for sharing, ZB.
12/19/2017 c1 7The Littlest Mouse
Is this supposed to be a poem? I'm very confused. There are very, very few poetic devices in this, but those that are here are good. Line 6 is really out of place and none of your line breaks make sense. I even tried reading it out loud, being as some poems read better out loud than in your head, and it still didn't help. Overall, this reads more like an internal monologue put into poem-format without a whole lot of forethought. I seriously recommend reading a lot more poetry and studying how they are written and how they read out loud then adjust your poem accordingly. I know you're trying to go for free verse so just focus on free verse poems. Other than that, good job. Keep writing!
6/15/2016 c2 27Orizielle
I have to say this is so unique. This constant train of thought...which isn't exactly poetry, but it isn't a typical narrative either because the thoughts are so disconnected and abstract.
Sometimes (especially in the 2nd chapter) I felt the character was within a game, kind of trapped, reduced to basic survival. But I can't be sure. Maybe it is meant to have different meanings for different people...
I loved it, absolutely. Especially the endings, of both the chapters. Cheers!
5/11/2016 c2 1Tomoyuki Tanaka
Wait...what? What's going on here? Who's the General? Then again, as you said, you don't even remember his name. So I guess General is just a general character.

Speaking of which, did you skip 4 days? What's going on here? It feels a bit confusing, but then as always, you're going for a more poetic, abstract narrative, so I guess that's the whole point.
5/11/2016 c1 Tomoyuki Tanaka
Wow. Is this supposed to be a poem or something? I guess it has a poetic feel to it, and always, the narrative is a bit confusing and all over the place. It's like you like writing about abstract stuff and giving the structure no shape or form.

By the way, re-read your typical story. The first two chapters work a lot better now, but the third chapter descended into this confusing dialogue between Joseph and Death, which felt out of place and disconnected from the first couple of chapters. What happened? I guess that's the whole point, though.
4/22/2016 c2 8LorrahBear
I wonder if the "..." sections are areas where you note to yourself that you need to go back and put in actual chat, or if you're intentionally leaving the reader in the dark. I actually enjoy the idea of the second.

I maintain that this feels more poetic than story-like. Perhaps like the "epic poems" that tell stories for hundreds of pages?

It's definitely abstract, which makes it hard to critique so far as plot suggestions go, especially so early. But it's different, and I like that. I hope you continue.
4/22/2016 c1 LorrahBear
This first chapter feels more like a poem than a chapter, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

My main suggestion would be to watch word choice, as every once in a while, things come across slightly out of place. The most glaring example (to me) is the choice of "thou" in the "laughing at thou self," is an incorrect word choice. Thou means "you" (or your), but in this case, he's talking about himself.
4/19/2016 c2 Writdescent
I'm so confused. This stream of consciousness stuff can go really well, but I don't know anything about the protagonist (antagonist, maybe?). The megaman reference seems a little out of place, but I wouldn't really know, as I've no context. I'm still curious, though. This guy's (girl's?) power seems interesting. Is it a different being entirely? I'll be on the lookout for more.

-From the Roadhouse
4/19/2016 c1 Writdescent
Hello! I'm a little uncertain as to the tone this is going for, though I blame myself. This person (?) is probably a teensy bit less sane than they'd like to believe. Laughing at rising skeletons and the like leads me to believe so, anyway. Maybe it's the power they suddenly possess? I don't know enough to judge one way or the other, so I'll keep reading. I'm intrigued.

-From the Roadhouse
4/18/2016 c2 3The Okay Writer
This is so interesting when I read it I get the feeling of being with the character. I love how it's written. I'm not the greatest at finding errors and such, but the story seems fine to me! It's going to be interesting to see where this goes?
4/18/2016 c1 The Okay Writer
This is almost an existential piece. It's very dark, yet very deep as well. I feel like I'm with the character thinking about what's going on around me, but I don't quite know what or how to respond to the situation. Albeit out of confusion or lack of care? Very interesting work, it makes you think, is death all that bad?

[they are undead./So I grin./There is no feeling anymore.] Wow, favorite line. Love it!
4/18/2016 c1 5Time And Space In The Balance
Suggested retitle: 'Joker: The Prologue'
4/17/2016 c1 5MysteriousFire
I like the way you wrote this story, all the thoughts on new lines. Having mental discussions and all.
So... they are rising as zombies? Interesting!

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