for Forgiveness4/24/2018 c1 
157LeagionFear
Gosh. Not sure what to make of this, but the world you are creating is stylized and very dream-like, the specific focal points of the scene bring everything else into shadow, leaving the reader wondering, why is the singing so important, why is this character drawn to drown it out? Another wonderful addition to your portfolio.
157LeagionFearGosh. Not sure what to make of this, but the world you are creating is stylized and very dream-like, the specific focal points of the scene bring everything else into shadow, leaving the reader wondering, why is the singing so important, why is this character drawn to drown it out? Another wonderful addition to your portfolio.
5/23/2016 c1 4The Destruction Kloud
I like it.
It's minimalistic and surreal but hides... Something.
I'd say it's a contrast of two worlds, maybe a microcosm?
I'm not an author or anything like that, but I just thought I'd leave a review.
It's good. :3
~Someone New
4The Destruction KloudI like it.
It's minimalistic and surreal but hides... Something.
I'd say it's a contrast of two worlds, maybe a microcosm?
I'm not an author or anything like that, but I just thought I'd leave a review.
It's good. :3
~Someone New
5/19/2016 c1 8LorrahBear
I adore your ending! "I don't want forgiveness." Stone cold, just like the rock he's pressure washing.
I did notice one typo early on: "I'm stood here..." Should this be I'm standing here or perhaps I stood here?
Well done. I look forward to reading more from you. :)
8LorrahBearI adore your ending! "I don't want forgiveness." Stone cold, just like the rock he's pressure washing.
I did notice one typo early on: "I'm stood here..." Should this be I'm standing here or perhaps I stood here?
Well done. I look forward to reading more from you. :)
5/13/2016 c1 FORGETTeN
A'll right, back to the suggestions and stuff.
Regarding the italics-musical bits, if you try, you can actually make them seem melodic and in tune. Its hard, I know, and its a bit absurd asking someone to write musical lyrics. But that's about the major improvement one can make to it, like make the words rhyme, have some tune, link it a bit more to the piece, and perhaps the flow might be better.
Its a bit weird how the persona changes his view on things. He feels mechanical-like in the first few passages but he just bends down and begins to feel said. Its a bit unusual. Maybe it would be better if he doesn't realize he is sad/merciful, then suddenly poof, add in lines like "My hand suddenly trembles, and I suddenly begin to feel sad."
Let me goes amateur lazy mode and try to edit:
"I try, as if conducting an experiment, to coax it back to life, but there is no response...
I blink, un-moving at this strange sight that is death, and for a moment there, I contemplate penning down x and y values. I contemplate the gradient of life. It is amusing how people view bystanders as guilty, and how showing sympathy is akin to helping.
I laugh at the ignorance of humans, and I laugh more at myself. Why am I even thinking? Why am I am out here playing a losing game of dice? I wave my hand to dismiss such thoughts, but somehow, somehow I can't. Like heavy metal. Like paralysis. The trembling of my bare, visible hands makes no sense and I try again to move. Nothing. Despite my negative thoughts, despite my world view, why, why, why is my heart still hollow? Why are the feelings swarming in?
The entirety, of my flesh-my bones, are frozen and I am helpless. I am helpless to all but my eyes that still move. That turn and stare at my misdoings. And for moment, I remember sadness. Something is wrong. Something is wrong within my body-and- I feel sad."
Eh, something like this, whatever. As a general piece, this still remains pretty solid. Well dones.
A'll right, back to the suggestions and stuff.
Regarding the italics-musical bits, if you try, you can actually make them seem melodic and in tune. Its hard, I know, and its a bit absurd asking someone to write musical lyrics. But that's about the major improvement one can make to it, like make the words rhyme, have some tune, link it a bit more to the piece, and perhaps the flow might be better.
Its a bit weird how the persona changes his view on things. He feels mechanical-like in the first few passages but he just bends down and begins to feel said. Its a bit unusual. Maybe it would be better if he doesn't realize he is sad/merciful, then suddenly poof, add in lines like "My hand suddenly trembles, and I suddenly begin to feel sad."
Let me goes amateur lazy mode and try to edit:
"I try, as if conducting an experiment, to coax it back to life, but there is no response...
I blink, un-moving at this strange sight that is death, and for a moment there, I contemplate penning down x and y values. I contemplate the gradient of life. It is amusing how people view bystanders as guilty, and how showing sympathy is akin to helping.
I laugh at the ignorance of humans, and I laugh more at myself. Why am I even thinking? Why am I am out here playing a losing game of dice? I wave my hand to dismiss such thoughts, but somehow, somehow I can't. Like heavy metal. Like paralysis. The trembling of my bare, visible hands makes no sense and I try again to move. Nothing. Despite my negative thoughts, despite my world view, why, why, why is my heart still hollow? Why are the feelings swarming in?
The entirety, of my flesh-my bones, are frozen and I am helpless. I am helpless to all but my eyes that still move. That turn and stare at my misdoings. And for moment, I remember sadness. Something is wrong. Something is wrong within my body-and- I feel sad."
Eh, something like this, whatever. As a general piece, this still remains pretty solid. Well dones.
5/13/2016 c1 4WhiteSand
This is a nice exploration of the idea of forgiveness. Great metaphor, with the killing of the louse... I laughed when the snail died by water-scythe, and I apologize for that. I was picturing a maniacal un-feeling bug-killer in my mind. I guess when we do bad things, that's how we see ourselves, as bad people. This is good writing, keep it up.
4WhiteSandThis is a nice exploration of the idea of forgiveness. Great metaphor, with the killing of the louse... I laughed when the snail died by water-scythe, and I apologize for that. I was picturing a maniacal un-feeling bug-killer in my mind. I guess when we do bad things, that's how we see ourselves, as bad people. This is good writing, keep it up.
5/13/2016 c1 9Zoicite23
This was very interesting, and healing too, although the narrator's last sentence kind of nulled that. It seems like the narrator has her/his own internal turmoil and can't understand the world, or is struggling to.
9Zoicite23This was very interesting, and healing too, although the narrator's last sentence kind of nulled that. It seems like the narrator has her/his own internal turmoil and can't understand the world, or is struggling to.
5/12/2016 c1 19Ckh
~Let me just drop in~
Needs more apathy. Woo. One should gain the title of false god by offering food, and snatching it away, or Having being a pathetic, useless bystander. Woo.
The piece is solid though. Its one of those existential-strange-first person thingys that has a straightforward, centered theme, with things that shift and move. Like one of those plot planners or something, only that its given flesh in its bare bones.
The flow of the entire piece in good, and the transition is fitting too. Descriptions are clean and your diction conplements it further. Its not overly deep, but has a deep feel, and this kind of balances in the middle, (not pun? which is rather to pull off.
I guess the persona is existential enough, and I can't find faults in this piece, though there are two or more suggestions I might want to make. (Eh, no time. Getting back you to a guest review to cover the rest.)
Overall, a great short tale you have here. I applaud you with all my three hands. Urm. Two.
-Ckh
19Ckh~Let me just drop in~
Needs more apathy. Woo. One should gain the title of false god by offering food, and snatching it away, or Having being a pathetic, useless bystander. Woo.
The piece is solid though. Its one of those existential-strange-first person thingys that has a straightforward, centered theme, with things that shift and move. Like one of those plot planners or something, only that its given flesh in its bare bones.
The flow of the entire piece in good, and the transition is fitting too. Descriptions are clean and your diction conplements it further. Its not overly deep, but has a deep feel, and this kind of balances in the middle, (not pun? which is rather to pull off.
I guess the persona is existential enough, and I can't find faults in this piece, though there are two or more suggestions I might want to make. (Eh, no time. Getting back you to a guest review to cover the rest.)
Overall, a great short tale you have here. I applaud you with all my three hands. Urm. Two.
-Ckh