for The Hunter's Ward6/23/2016 c5 
1Sorbonne
Hey there, it's Sorbonne from the Roadhouse! (the Cruel Goddess)
On the story in general, overall, I really like the storyline. The fact that the host and the demon have a positive connection as both friends and one that helps the other survive in this harsh world is very inventive.
After reading all the chapters, this one is probably the weakest. Keep in mind that most chapters for a novel usually have two scenes. I think you could have really used the beginning of this chapter to really shed some light on the history of Jenny and Tully, maybe throug some memory/dream moments.
The 2nd seen involving the escape and recapture was nice. Maybe add a little more suspense to the situation by telling us about her emotions. I mean, she's escaping from being chained and a man who both wants to use her as a trophy experiment and is sexually attracted to her. I know I'd be in a silent panic about this haha. Good luck!
1SorbonneHey there, it's Sorbonne from the Roadhouse! (the Cruel Goddess)
On the story in general, overall, I really like the storyline. The fact that the host and the demon have a positive connection as both friends and one that helps the other survive in this harsh world is very inventive.
After reading all the chapters, this one is probably the weakest. Keep in mind that most chapters for a novel usually have two scenes. I think you could have really used the beginning of this chapter to really shed some light on the history of Jenny and Tully, maybe throug some memory/dream moments.
The 2nd seen involving the escape and recapture was nice. Maybe add a little more suspense to the situation by telling us about her emotions. I mean, she's escaping from being chained and a man who both wants to use her as a trophy experiment and is sexually attracted to her. I know I'd be in a silent panic about this haha. Good luck!
6/12/2016 c4 TITANx99
Felt like this was one of your weaker chapters, like it needs more revision. Also, some of the vocabulary is great but the can be distracting and a bit heavy.
Felt like this was one of your weaker chapters, like it needs more revision. Also, some of the vocabulary is great but the can be distracting and a bit heavy.
6/12/2016 c3 TITANx99
Sorry to say this, but I definitely prefer Jenny's POV over Michael's. This chapter doesn't give me more insight into Michael's persona, but I miss the internal struggle that came across with Jenny.
Sorry to say this, but I definitely prefer Jenny's POV over Michael's. This chapter doesn't give me more insight into Michael's persona, but I miss the internal struggle that came across with Jenny.
6/12/2016 c2 TITANx99
I feel like I'm missing a lot of dialogue from the hunter in this particular chapter. And to honest, the name 'Michael' really doesn't fit...but that's my own opinion! You might be trying to tie that to something in a later chapter.
I like how Jenny shows us her claws so to speak. It proves she is just as dangerous without aid from Tully.
I feel like I'm missing a lot of dialogue from the hunter in this particular chapter. And to honest, the name 'Michael' really doesn't fit...but that's my own opinion! You might be trying to tie that to something in a later chapter.
I like how Jenny shows us her claws so to speak. It proves she is just as dangerous without aid from Tully.
6/12/2016 c1 TITANx99
Great story! I love that it's the host's POV and we are given some insight as the relationship between Jenny and the demon. The one thing that confuses me is how you portray the hunter, specifically how he smells. It makes me think that he is just an uneducated slob, until it gets into the dialogue, then he comes across as well versed in his profession and smug. My suggestion would be to describe him differently, something to match his dialogue.
Great story! I love that it's the host's POV and we are given some insight as the relationship between Jenny and the demon. The one thing that confuses me is how you portray the hunter, specifically how he smells. It makes me think that he is just an uneducated slob, until it gets into the dialogue, then he comes across as well versed in his profession and smug. My suggestion would be to describe him differently, something to match his dialogue.
6/12/2016 c4 1Charizrd
This is a pretty intense story so far. I really do like that all of the characters introduced so far seem so human though, they all have their flaws but still don't seem ridiculously evil. I like the premise as well, it's not everyday you see a demon story where the possessed person would prefer to keep the demon around, that's a rather interesting take on the whole thing! It's also very dark, which is interesting, most people shy away from that but I like that you haven't done that. If I had to pick a fault, the only thing I would say is that sometimes your descriptions get a little purple-prosey. You don't always need to use such fancy words, or so many words, do describe a sensation that so many people already know. Sometimes the simpler the better! Of course this isn't always the case, finding a balance between simple and fancy isn't easy (I'm pretty bad at it myself) but it's still a very good story so far! Happy writing!
1CharizrdThis is a pretty intense story so far. I really do like that all of the characters introduced so far seem so human though, they all have their flaws but still don't seem ridiculously evil. I like the premise as well, it's not everyday you see a demon story where the possessed person would prefer to keep the demon around, that's a rather interesting take on the whole thing! It's also very dark, which is interesting, most people shy away from that but I like that you haven't done that. If I had to pick a fault, the only thing I would say is that sometimes your descriptions get a little purple-prosey. You don't always need to use such fancy words, or so many words, do describe a sensation that so many people already know. Sometimes the simpler the better! Of course this isn't always the case, finding a balance between simple and fancy isn't easy (I'm pretty bad at it myself) but it's still a very good story so far! Happy writing!
6/12/2016 c4 AmRunrLuvr
I feel like I need some of the back story on both Jenny and the Hunter. Too many questions left unanswered.
I feel like I need some of the back story on both Jenny and the Hunter. Too many questions left unanswered.
6/9/2016 c1 2Murphy Chapelwood
So, I like it when things start in medias res. This feels like the climax to an another story. I appreciate the amount of crafting you put into both characters. Jenny has a sort of feral, unhinged quality and is very co-dependent with Tully. Micheal is smug and manic with his variety of smiles and false sympathy, though when it shifts at the end to his perspective he comes across as actually more unsure of himself and his actions. To me at least, it hints at him having something tragic in his past that pushes him into doing what he does.
As for something I think I could help with:
"The last [thing] she remembered was the [feel of the] powdery snow against her bare feet before the familiar [rush of] fever swept her senses and the trees and field [of snow surrounding her all] fell away, replaced by that dense darkness, that [wrapped her in a] warm embrace."
Now, I don't mind long sentences, but each element of them has to add something new. Repetition of ideas and filler words are the bane of all long sentences. So in the example above, we can take the scissors to it a bit. Basically, everything in brackets can be removed without losing any meaning. Brief breakdown: [thing/feel of the] unnecessary; [rush of] it's either "rush of" or "swept" they both convey the same thing; [of the snow surrounding her all] we already know about the snow and the rest detracts from the flow you've got going; , you would need to add a comma for this last change; [wrapped her in a] if it's an "embrace" we already know she is wrapped. So, in the end, it comes out reading like,
"The last she remembered was the powdery snow against her bare feet before the familiar fever swept her senses and the trees and field fell away, replaced by that dense darkness, that warm embrace."
This is where an outside editor really helps because you really have to step back from your words to be able to pick sentences apart like this.
As a humorous side note, it's spelled "coolly" because "cooly (and its variants)" was a racial slur used in Africa for unskilled Indian laborers.
2Murphy ChapelwoodSo, I like it when things start in medias res. This feels like the climax to an another story. I appreciate the amount of crafting you put into both characters. Jenny has a sort of feral, unhinged quality and is very co-dependent with Tully. Micheal is smug and manic with his variety of smiles and false sympathy, though when it shifts at the end to his perspective he comes across as actually more unsure of himself and his actions. To me at least, it hints at him having something tragic in his past that pushes him into doing what he does.
As for something I think I could help with:
"The last [thing] she remembered was the [feel of the] powdery snow against her bare feet before the familiar [rush of] fever swept her senses and the trees and field [of snow surrounding her all] fell away, replaced by that dense darkness, that [wrapped her in a] warm embrace."
Now, I don't mind long sentences, but each element of them has to add something new. Repetition of ideas and filler words are the bane of all long sentences. So in the example above, we can take the scissors to it a bit. Basically, everything in brackets can be removed without losing any meaning. Brief breakdown: [thing/feel of the] unnecessary; [rush of] it's either "rush of" or "swept" they both convey the same thing; [of the snow surrounding her all] we already know about the snow and the rest detracts from the flow you've got going; , you would need to add a comma for this last change; [wrapped her in a] if it's an "embrace" we already know she is wrapped. So, in the end, it comes out reading like,
"The last she remembered was the powdery snow against her bare feet before the familiar fever swept her senses and the trees and field fell away, replaced by that dense darkness, that warm embrace."
This is where an outside editor really helps because you really have to step back from your words to be able to pick sentences apart like this.
As a humorous side note, it's spelled "coolly" because "cooly (and its variants)" was a racial slur used in Africa for unskilled Indian laborers.
6/8/2016 c1 37The 6 Gifts
- Opening: It was a good opening. It did make me want to read on. Though I was a little taken back by the "Shut your whore mouth" bit in the first few lines. I think the cussing so soon in the story acts as a detergent.
- Ending: The ending was good, I could see that it bled into the next chapter nicely. However I think a cliffhanger line at the end would've been more affective in drawing someone to the next chapter.
- Scene: I liked the bit where it described the demon withdrawing more into Jenny's body. Something about that just made my blood curdle. I also liked how you described her as a woman with a child's mind, an innocent... but also one that can do great harm.
- Dialogue: Dialogue was good. I felt it was a bit stiff and forced slightly. I couldn't imagine real people saying these thing, but I ignored that because the story in general was fantasy, and people in fantasy stories tend to talk different to stories based in real life.
- Characters: I liked Jenny, I liked how she seemed like she could break very easily and how the demon had literally destroyed her with it's presence. I thought she was very interesting. I didn't really get much of a beat off the other two.
- Relationships: I thought the relationship between Jenny and the demon was very well realised. She had grown dependent on it because it had warped her mind, but in the end all it saw her as was a host and was manipulating her the whole time. So, I liked the relationship very much.
- Writing: It was really well written but just not the type of writing I tend to like to read. I think for the right audience, this type of writing is perfect, and for fantasy it's pretty spot on.
- Spelling/Grammar: I couldn't notice and grammar mistakes.
- Enjoyment: I found it was a good read but it didn't make me want to read on. I will admit, I am a very light reader and most books I don't finish. But I liked this chapter for what it was. I felt a little suspense and tension as to what would happen, but not enough that it felt like I had to keep reading and reading. The writing itself was very soft and flowing so that kept me engage enough however.
- Plot: I didn't find the plot clichéd. I liked it. It felt original and a scary situation to be put in. Though I didn't know much about the world it was centred, I felt that the could've been expanded on a little bit more in the first chapter.
- Pace: Things are progressing at a good speed, I didn't think it was too slow. The I think some sentences went on a bit too long.
- Setting: The setting was good. It was like I stepped into a horror film. I could feel the fear and fright in the words and it made me a little scared as a reader. It wouldn't be the type of world I would like to be in, but it was a well realised setting that kept me engaged.
- Techniques: I felt that the writing used some nice imagery to get across ideas and feelings and this worked very affectively.
- Other: I enjoyed this story for a short dip in and out, and I think it would intrigue people interested in the horror genre. I liked the writing style and the descriptions were nice, if a tad flowery at times. I hope you finish this story because I feel it has a lot of potential and that it finds its intended audience. Good luck and keep writing! :D
37The 6 Gifts- Opening: It was a good opening. It did make me want to read on. Though I was a little taken back by the "Shut your whore mouth" bit in the first few lines. I think the cussing so soon in the story acts as a detergent.
- Ending: The ending was good, I could see that it bled into the next chapter nicely. However I think a cliffhanger line at the end would've been more affective in drawing someone to the next chapter.
- Scene: I liked the bit where it described the demon withdrawing more into Jenny's body. Something about that just made my blood curdle. I also liked how you described her as a woman with a child's mind, an innocent... but also one that can do great harm.
- Dialogue: Dialogue was good. I felt it was a bit stiff and forced slightly. I couldn't imagine real people saying these thing, but I ignored that because the story in general was fantasy, and people in fantasy stories tend to talk different to stories based in real life.
- Characters: I liked Jenny, I liked how she seemed like she could break very easily and how the demon had literally destroyed her with it's presence. I thought she was very interesting. I didn't really get much of a beat off the other two.
- Relationships: I thought the relationship between Jenny and the demon was very well realised. She had grown dependent on it because it had warped her mind, but in the end all it saw her as was a host and was manipulating her the whole time. So, I liked the relationship very much.
- Writing: It was really well written but just not the type of writing I tend to like to read. I think for the right audience, this type of writing is perfect, and for fantasy it's pretty spot on.
- Spelling/Grammar: I couldn't notice and grammar mistakes.
- Enjoyment: I found it was a good read but it didn't make me want to read on. I will admit, I am a very light reader and most books I don't finish. But I liked this chapter for what it was. I felt a little suspense and tension as to what would happen, but not enough that it felt like I had to keep reading and reading. The writing itself was very soft and flowing so that kept me engage enough however.
- Plot: I didn't find the plot clichéd. I liked it. It felt original and a scary situation to be put in. Though I didn't know much about the world it was centred, I felt that the could've been expanded on a little bit more in the first chapter.
- Pace: Things are progressing at a good speed, I didn't think it was too slow. The I think some sentences went on a bit too long.
- Setting: The setting was good. It was like I stepped into a horror film. I could feel the fear and fright in the words and it made me a little scared as a reader. It wouldn't be the type of world I would like to be in, but it was a well realised setting that kept me engaged.
- Techniques: I felt that the writing used some nice imagery to get across ideas and feelings and this worked very affectively.
- Other: I enjoyed this story for a short dip in and out, and I think it would intrigue people interested in the horror genre. I liked the writing style and the descriptions were nice, if a tad flowery at times. I hope you finish this story because I feel it has a lot of potential and that it finds its intended audience. Good luck and keep writing! :D
6/6/2016 c3 1The Hybrid Cat
I've noticed that you way of describing changes every few sections of story, form detailed to simplified and the change between the two is a little odd but I've still enjoyed this
1The Hybrid CatI've noticed that you way of describing changes every few sections of story, form detailed to simplified and the change between the two is a little odd but I've still enjoyed this
6/6/2016 c2 The Hybrid Cat
Only one issue, you are missing speech marks in a number of locations, but Im starting to think that was done on purpose and I shouldn't comment on grammar.
Also in the first section you used crimson to describe blood, unless I'm mistaken again however that Is the wrong colour, the correct red is know as Carmine however that is a very very small detail that doesn't affect your overall writing its just a personal thing.
Great work and this review was meant for chapter 1 but I screwed up
Chapter 2's Review
There are parts of your story that I mistake for dialogue but i think that is a mistake on my behalf, Keep up the good work
Only one issue, you are missing speech marks in a number of locations, but Im starting to think that was done on purpose and I shouldn't comment on grammar.
Also in the first section you used crimson to describe blood, unless I'm mistaken again however that Is the wrong colour, the correct red is know as Carmine however that is a very very small detail that doesn't affect your overall writing its just a personal thing.
Great work and this review was meant for chapter 1 but I screwed up
Chapter 2's Review
There are parts of your story that I mistake for dialogue but i think that is a mistake on my behalf, Keep up the good work
6/6/2016 c2 5Time And Space In The Balance
Quick review from the Roadhouse/Reviewing Crusade!
This is intriguing, I will say. Very weird premise; fairly unique as far as I know. I haven't seen anything quite like this before, which is always good. The idea that Jenny and Tully are somehow symbiotic is a good one, and I like the sense I'm getting that Tully essentially groomed Jenny from a young age. The dangerous nature of Jenny even as a human without the demon is excellent, too - the attack on Michael proves that she's a threat in her own right.
The shock/gore is extremely effective. Michael's stunned, immobile reaction gives it that surreal air that brings out the horrific element and makes this scene work. That part is excellent. Well done.
Occasionally the syntax seems a bit off, but that's probably just my personal preference for writing style: 'As he stumbled backward he stopped momentarily to smudge the sigils on the floor and an inexplicable weight seemed to withdraw from the center of the circle', for example, is a bit of a strange sentence. Perhaps dividing it in two: 'As he stumbled backward he stopped momentarily to smudge the sigils on the floor. With sudden force, an inexplicable weight seemed to withdraw from the center of the circle.' Of course, that's just my personal opinion. I do also find it a bit odd how Jenny refers to Michael as 'hunter' with no prompting. I feel like it would make more sense if there was a definite moment when she identified him as a hunter. Equally, there's a moment Michael is named in the first chapter - before he names himself. Again, that's a bit weird and could do with a little clearing up.
Other than that, it's a solid little piece! Good read all round. Happy writin'!
-TSB
5Time And Space In The BalanceQuick review from the Roadhouse/Reviewing Crusade!
This is intriguing, I will say. Very weird premise; fairly unique as far as I know. I haven't seen anything quite like this before, which is always good. The idea that Jenny and Tully are somehow symbiotic is a good one, and I like the sense I'm getting that Tully essentially groomed Jenny from a young age. The dangerous nature of Jenny even as a human without the demon is excellent, too - the attack on Michael proves that she's a threat in her own right.
The shock/gore is extremely effective. Michael's stunned, immobile reaction gives it that surreal air that brings out the horrific element and makes this scene work. That part is excellent. Well done.
Occasionally the syntax seems a bit off, but that's probably just my personal preference for writing style: 'As he stumbled backward he stopped momentarily to smudge the sigils on the floor and an inexplicable weight seemed to withdraw from the center of the circle', for example, is a bit of a strange sentence. Perhaps dividing it in two: 'As he stumbled backward he stopped momentarily to smudge the sigils on the floor. With sudden force, an inexplicable weight seemed to withdraw from the center of the circle.' Of course, that's just my personal opinion. I do also find it a bit odd how Jenny refers to Michael as 'hunter' with no prompting. I feel like it would make more sense if there was a definite moment when she identified him as a hunter. Equally, there's a moment Michael is named in the first chapter - before he names himself. Again, that's a bit weird and could do with a little clearing up.
Other than that, it's a solid little piece! Good read all round. Happy writin'!
-TSB
6/5/2016 c1 90Timbo Slice
Definitely an intense start to this story. First off I liked the relationship between Jenny and the demon inside of her as it comes across more complex than just a simple "young girl gets possessed" trope. There's a multifaceted layer to their bond that paints them more as living with each other as opposed to the parasite feeding off of its host. It'll be interesting to see how their relationship continues to grow and just how much this demon really influences Jenny.
The descriptions and vivid sensory details were also well written in this chapter, along with an air of originality with the Hunter. Usually exorcist are somewhat dated cliches within supernatural stories but I think you do a great job of crafting a more gritty, horror infused character within the context of this story. Great stuff so far!
90Timbo SliceDefinitely an intense start to this story. First off I liked the relationship between Jenny and the demon inside of her as it comes across more complex than just a simple "young girl gets possessed" trope. There's a multifaceted layer to their bond that paints them more as living with each other as opposed to the parasite feeding off of its host. It'll be interesting to see how their relationship continues to grow and just how much this demon really influences Jenny.
The descriptions and vivid sensory details were also well written in this chapter, along with an air of originality with the Hunter. Usually exorcist are somewhat dated cliches within supernatural stories but I think you do a great job of crafting a more gritty, horror infused character within the context of this story. Great stuff so far!
6/5/2016 c3 AmRunrLuvr
There was a small error here, it could have been a c/p mistake. I believe there are some words missing from the sentence "Seems like _ was on to something"
Otherwise I love this chapter as Jenny finally shows some spunk! Unfortunately, it's short lived, but its promising!
There was a small error here, it could have been a c/p mistake. I believe there are some words missing from the sentence "Seems like _ was on to something"
Otherwise I love this chapter as Jenny finally shows some spunk! Unfortunately, it's short lived, but its promising!