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for A Violent and Compelling Fear

10/18/2016 c8 3Da Kaleidoscope
So good. So has Deidre chosen Deter now? And what will happen to William?
10/17/2016 c7 13Shailaputri
Deirdre doesnt seems to be a positive character to build the story around her. And no kingdom would allow someboday/noboday to discuss their political matters. The basic story line is not strong I think.
10/12/2016 c7 6Victoria Best

Sorry for the slow returned review - I was sure I reviewed back but must have not saved it. Anyway, I liked this chapter! I think that there is perhaps a little too much moping around with not much story progress in the first two sections, with too much introspection from both Deter and Deirdre, but then the story quickly picked up with the information of the assassination, with plenty of suspense and mystery. I loved the last few lines, particularly the way you ended with "the very worst thing" - that sentence carried so much impact. I'm looking forward to the next chapter - it definitely looks like it's all about to kick off and I can't wait to see how it all plays out. On a side note, I think the politics in the story are handled really well - you've clearly done your research, which is great to see - and I also think Deirdre reacts to them realistically, which helps us connect with her and makes this a fulfilling read.

I think, if you wanted to improve the opening sections, you could take a look at Deter's reaction to all of this. There are a lot of sentences about his jealousy, such as him imagining them together, and also "jealousy ripped him raw." However, I don't think he would be jealous - I think he would be angry. Really, really angry. I loved the part where he storms out - honestly, I think you should get rid of most of that section and just keep the image of him first staring at the book, without actually reading it, and then he just gives up totally and storms out. Let the body language speak for itself. You could even consider amplifying this scene to show even more of his anger. If you are going to keep it like it is, I would still recommend removing the "jealousy" parts, as they felt telling of his emotions rather than showing.

As for the first section, I would recommend not starting the chapter with her waking up - this is the most common opening to a chapter of all time, so it should definitely be avoided if it an be helped. Just start it with her in her bedroom and the maid comes in. I think that section only needs to be a few lines long to show her pain, otherwise again it just feels tell-y, and also feels quite mope-y.

A minor thing, but I've noticed you use a lot of 'trying to' or similar in your sentences. These can all just be eliminated to make the sentences sharper.

Love the line "as if she had never loved him." Be careful of the amount of introspection you put in, but this part was done well and carried a lot of emotion.

Anyway, I'm really enjoying this story. Thanks for this great read!
10/6/2016 c1 stephanie
I really like the reworking that you did for this chapter. Opening with Pita in Chima was smart. It really caught my attention and pulled me into the rest. And that first paragraph that used to be so wordy is much more streamlined. Great job!
10/5/2016 c7 stephanie
There is something so sad but still beautiful about this. I really feel for her. She is already miserable and now she gets this terrible news. She is doing everything she can and has inspired such loyalty. Arjun has no idea what he is doing , but he will try for her.
So, so good. I am hooked.
10/5/2016 c6 aspen.krafft
From start to finish this chapter was well paced and interesting. Right off, we start of in a foreign setting with well integrated, crucial background information.

I was happy to see more about the relationship between Deirdre and William. If she really thinks she is going to pick him in the end, she is going to have to abandon Deter at some point. Here that is exactly what she did (sort of). She knew it would hurt him but she did it anyway. Harsh, but hey, that's her right?

The intimate scene was also tactfully done btw. It was just the right amount of sexy but not vulgar.

Her ladies as insects made me laugh. She is so... Idk, entitled? unappreciative? snobbish? I don't know why, but it is almost something endearing about her. Which is weird, but it works.

The intensity and tension between her and Deter was heart wrenching. They aren't really breaking up are they?! And I liked that she wasn't just apologizing to Deter at the end. She has so many secrets and I just know that she is apologizing for some pretty bad stuff in her past too.

I absolutely love this story and this chapter was amazing!
10/4/2016 c1 9Sjoorm
Not a fan of the name Pita myself, just saying, especially when you have far more normal names like William or Deirdre in the story. Seems like an obvious allusion to the Hunger Games, but that might just be me. Another aside down allusion alley, I would change the drug's name away from Bane if you're going to use a drug that enhances your strength, stamina or both, if you catch my drift.

"Kissable lips" doesn't really tell me much about the way they look.

You describe Deirdre as beautiful, but past saying she is short, has what are probably average breasts by your description, and sharp angles to her face, all you have to say is that her eyes are unnerving. This isn't really painting the picture of somebody who is beautiful to me, and I would probably do away with the line altogether and instead opt for throwing in small lines of description about her throughout the story/chapter.
10/2/2016 c1 9TheBeastlyPrincess
I like this! It's very orginal.
My first thought was that the first few lines are very wordy. Well mainly the first sentence, in my opinion you don't need the second half of the sentence, "whose edge it had been holding flat." That's something the audience would geuss and without it the first line is more catchy and grabs attention more quickly, I think specially on your first chapter you need an audience grabber. I don't know if you agree with me, I could be wrong..:)
I like a lot of your descriptions, It gives it a very mature and intelligent feel. An example is "rancid puddles." That is simple and gives a good picture. Well done!
All in all this is a very well written and detailed introduction. It sets the stage very well!
10/1/2016 c7 3Da Kaleidoscope
Oh man this is so good. I can already see this disintegrating into a hot mess...and I love it. The drama and tension is perfect.
9/19/2016 c6 6Victoria Best

I really liked the writing in this chapter. Felt smooth, strong, and the descriptions were great throughout, enabling me to picture clearly what was happening. I especially liked the richness of the description in the first half. I think the love triangle works well in this story - you make it your own and it doesn't feel cliche. I think I would like some more characterisation from William - he seems like the plain Prince at the moment - sweet, goofy and not much else, and I feel like you especially need to flesh him out because Deirdre is such a strong female protagonist, and because Deter has depth to him as well. William pales in comparison, in my opinion. He just seems a little too perfect at the moment, and I would like a strange or interesting habit, quirk or trait, or another side to his personality to shine through, but perhaps that will come in future chapters.

I really enjoyed the opening. "He'd been taken by slavers" felt like something right out of Game of Thrones. You captured fantasy writing excellently here.

Love the description of the "rich, vibrant hues of the silks draping the..." Felt rich and clear, and it was succinct also - just the right length.

Be careful again of overloading sentences. You don't need dreadfully and diligently in the same sentence, for example. On another note, you tend to use a lot of desperatleys, surelys, reallys, etc., and I feel like half of them could just be cut off to sharpen your sentences. Just a quick control plus f search of the two letters 'ly' brings up 70 search results, according to my laptop. You definitely don't need so many - keep it neat, sharp, fast and high impact.

"Her love for deter was so deep, so demanding..." This line felt a little too telling rather than showing, and I personally don't think you need it, because the "she wanted them both" is such a powerful line on its own, and it's not telling because it's set through Deirdre's head. I would keep that line and remove the other because that section is strong enough already :D

Anyway, thanks for this great read and I'm looking forward to reading more! Deirdre continues to be a great character and I really appreciate the effort you are going through to research your chapters, move forwards the plot, and get into Deirdre's head. This is going on my faves :) Keep writing!
9/11/2016 c5 Victoria Best

I like the description in this and you're great at setting the scenes and showing the emotion of the characters, but I feel like this needs some trimming, particularly during conversation, where there tend to be a lot of tag lines and lines that could be shortened. There are a lot of verbs and adjectives, I've noticed, like in the opening sentence, where we get tapped, picked, pulled, and then six descriptors, including dark twice. This was definitely a mouthful to read and could be polished. Another place this was done was with the words "returned, badgered, rushed, helping, plaiting." The paragraph starting with "pulled, started, lowered, latched" could be shortened too. Keep a look-out for any others.

I absolutely adore your descriptions. Very beautiful. I particularly liked the description of Arjun, especially the "deep velvety bronze skin" and the comparison between him and a tiger, which worked excellently.

Your characterisation is awesome too. Deirdre shines as a character throughout, and I particularly enjoyed seeing her reactions when reading the letter. She came to life for me in that section :) You've definitely created a strong female protagonist and I really enjoyed reading about her.

I absolutely loved the line, "shouldn't wield it unless you are sure you can hold it." Just brilliant. It's great that you are weaving in themes of power and strength, and I love these thought-provoking lines that carry so much impact. The plot itself intrigues me and I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes!

Thanks for this great read and keep writing!
9/10/2016 c6 3Da Kaleidoscope
And the triangle breaks...
Love the writing. Couldn't find a flaw. The descriptions were beautifully crafted.

I always wonder, though: guys have harem, but I've never seen a girl get a harem. It's always love triangles with them.
8/15/2016 c2 KarasunoFan
PLEASE ADVISE! I am getting HOOKED on this but I see it has not be updated since 6/25. Has this been abandoned?
8/9/2016 c4 6Victoria Best

I have to say I really enjoyed this. It's a well-written piece, with no grammatical errors that I could see (thank you for proofreading your work so well! Makes for a really flawless, satisfying read) and I can tell you have done your research. The pace is good, although could be a little faster (I will mention this later) and the characters are full of life, especially Deirdre, who I think is a great female protagonist. I absolutely loved her simple, "I need a gin." That was so great :D It was a moment where we see her at her weakest, her most vulnerable, and it showed the strong person she is and made me love the character. I definitely felt that I could empathise with the character throughout the chapter. And I also love gin, so I guess that made me love her even more!

Your descriptions are neatly written and beautiful, allowing the reader to clearly visualise. I enjoyed "another hand was there to steady her" at the beginning of the piece. A lovely opening that drew me in straight away. I also liked the "rolling green lawns and spilled into a U-shape." Lovely imagery again. My favourite line has to be "the outside world felt evanescent." That was just beautiful.

I do have a few comments. Firstly, be careful of over-using certain words. 'Eyes' according to my computer's Control plus F, was in here sixteen times! And the word 'feel' crept up at least ten also. Quite a lot of "tears," too, and "slows" and "aways." Find new, original ways of saying things.

There are also opportunities for more originality in the descriptions. I wouldn't recommend using "the world was spinning" or "I feel burning" as descriptions because they are both very, very overused. Do your own spin on them, make them exciting and fresh. My aunt, who is a pretty great writer, gave me the best bit of advice I have ever heard, better than the stuff I get at university lectures. She told me, "writing is all about finding the most awkward word possible." That's not to say that we have to use the thesaurus for every word, it just means using words we might not necessarily have used to create the biggest impact.

I wasn't a fan of your "his eyes were the desert at night..." It felt cliche and overdramatic and, if you are going to describe eyes, you need to make the description as quick and concise as possible because they are the most described thing of all time - here you had at least two sentences just going on about them. Cut it down and simplify. Less is more. Also, "blackness overtook her?" When I think "overtake" I think of driving. I would recommend a different word here.

Try to avoid also overloading your sentences. The sentence beginning "this morning as he felt the..." had too many verbs and adjectives in my opinion. Again, less is way, way more. "Giving him and her horse a final look before taking her leave" could just be "and gives him and her horse a final look." It is implied in the description that she leaves - we don't need to physically see her leave. "The movement was so jarring she could not seem to comprehend it" is quite wordy also - I would recommend just chopping it right down to "the movement was jarring." And the line "she was flooded with..." was so, so amazing at conveying her emotions, but then you killed it with another sentence or so of her crying. Honestly, just that first line was powerful enough.

I wasn't sure about the flashback part where we hear about William and Emily. It felt too much like telling rather than showing. You actually do a really good at telling rather than showing most of the time, but I felt this section was just "here is the backstory" when this could be hinted at throughout the story through conversations, through actions of the characters, or through subtle sentences revealed to the reader as the story progresses. It really isn't recommended to have it all together in paragraphs like that.

Other times where there is a bit too much tell rather than show were "fighting the horrible feeling of being swept and hurtled toward an inevitable future." That whole part of the sentence can go, I think, because the line "breathing him in" is already so powerful, so telling of the relationship between the two characters, that just adding this sentence for extra explanation kills it. Let the actions do the talking. Also, the "anger flashing in his eyes" and "the anger was gone" and "her desire and her fear compounded" can also be examples of telling rather than showing, but not to the same level.

Anyway, this was a super strong read and I really enjoyed it. I hope my suggestions helped and I'm really looking forward to reading more! I'm putting this on my faves :D

Thanks for this great read!
7/3/2016 c1 20Ventracere
First things first, the last sentence: "Somewhere in a distant country a man took his last breathe as his throat was cut while he slept." - breathe should be breath.

Anyway! This was a very strong chapter. Your imagery was vivid, and that might have be my favorite part about your writing. It isn't too heavy and you tend to vary between heavy and light sentences, which I'm a big fan of. This makes it easier to read. Similarly, it also speeds up the pacing of your chapter when it starts to get a little bit slower. Now, in terms of pacing for this chapter by itself, it stayed pretty smooth for me until Diedre and Deter begin to have their conversation. While I'm not all that entrenched in this piece, I definitely sat up straighter when Diedre admits that she can't do this anymore to William. Can't help but wonder how William will react when he realizes that his "love" has been going behind his back all along. Not going to lie, I thought Deter was going to become a bit unhinged when she admitted that she couldn't do it anymore because she felt bad for William - but I'm rather glad you didn't. Shows that Deter has a bit more restraint than I give him credit for, haha. Another interesting thing that I found interesting is that although Diedre is afraid of what she will have to say to William, she can't help herself when Deter touches her. Seems like he's a drug, she knows she has to stop, yet still can't say no, can't stop herself from wanting him.

One last nitpick and then I'll stop. You're great at imagery and description, but something I'm noticing is that you're leaning towards the edge of telling us their feelings. For example, show us how they're feeling instead of telling us that they're relieved.

Thanks for the read!
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