for Held8/20/2016 c1 Guest
That would be amazing
That would be amazing
7/14/2016 c1 
7DWaaM
Well, considering my own religious beliefs (or lack thereof, I should say), this story was clearly not tailored to me. That said, I'm not going to criticize it on that front. The actual message of the story and what was told was perfectly fine. I can't tell you not to write what you want.
My issues were regarding how it was told. The story jumps being between being told in the past and present tense (the present tense being the one that shouldn't be used, in this case). There are a lot of missing commas, and I feel like the sentence structure in general could've been a lot better. The periods and question marks should usually be left inside the quotation marks (so it wouldn't be "What do I owe for this visit"? but "What do I owe for this visit?" since it's a part of what the character actually said). It's also quite short, not providing a whole lot of details or substance to make it memorable. We don't really know much about Mike or his way of thinking or the exact set of circumstances that explains why he ended up hitting the tree with the bat. He doesn't seem surprise to see an archangel in front of him, either. If he does, he doesn't show it all that much.
The prose in general is simplistic and could use a lot of work, in my opinion.
Still, good luck with your future projects!
7DWaaMWell, considering my own religious beliefs (or lack thereof, I should say), this story was clearly not tailored to me. That said, I'm not going to criticize it on that front. The actual message of the story and what was told was perfectly fine. I can't tell you not to write what you want.
My issues were regarding how it was told. The story jumps being between being told in the past and present tense (the present tense being the one that shouldn't be used, in this case). There are a lot of missing commas, and I feel like the sentence structure in general could've been a lot better. The periods and question marks should usually be left inside the quotation marks (so it wouldn't be "What do I owe for this visit"? but "What do I owe for this visit?" since it's a part of what the character actually said). It's also quite short, not providing a whole lot of details or substance to make it memorable. We don't really know much about Mike or his way of thinking or the exact set of circumstances that explains why he ended up hitting the tree with the bat. He doesn't seem surprise to see an archangel in front of him, either. If he does, he doesn't show it all that much.
The prose in general is simplistic and could use a lot of work, in my opinion.
Still, good luck with your future projects!