for As Good As Buried9/7/2016 c1 
6Victoria Best
Hello! Sorry for the late WCC review.
I have to say, I really enjoyed this! Honestly, I don't have any critiques, other than it felt a bit short, like it needed a little more flesh. The character's voice is great - this detached, matter-of-fact character, showing almost sociopathic tendencies - but I just would have liked a little more to really throw me into his mind and his world, although this could just be a problem with the seriously tight wordcount of the WCC. Some more snark? Some dark descriptors? Some bizarre thoughts? I can imagine him dishing out some dark humour or throwing out some strange, maybe even creepy comments, reflective of his own mentality and personality. Would really suit the character and make him even more interesting. Also, I wasn't quite sure on the gender of the character, based on his voice alone. Male, I'm guessing? Please ignore me if it is specified and I misread.
Loved the narrative throughout. The short, terse sentences are brilliant. I especially loved the opening line, coupled with the line "he was dead by the time the paramedics arrived." Drew me into the story immediately.
I also liked the character's voice shining through the narrative. One great example is "to tell the truth, that was one of the reasons..." That whole paragraph was strong - it allows us just enough insight into the character's thoughts as he contemplates the funeral, without it being telling. The perfect balance between showing and telling. His voice came through in the dialogue, also, especially with his mother, such as the "I'm fine. I mean, it's fine" part. I would have perhaps liked a little more in this piece of dialogue, though - only because I didn't quite see its relevance. I just feel like it's missing another line or two to really make it jump off the page and stay in the reader's mind, but I do love the way you finished it with the "at least she didn't say she was proud of me" which was showing of their relationship.
"In retrospect, I should have gotten a haircut." I really liked this. Again, I'm getting sociopathic vibes from the character. He's at a funeral, and that's what he's thinking about? Just brilliant!
The plot was great from start to finish, and I agree with your reviewers that it felt creepy. Not horror creepy, but certainly psychologically creepy - a story that gets under the skin rather than bursts with blood and guts. This is definitely to my taste! And I could see this either being extended into a novella, or perhaps being in a collection with other short, psychological thriller-y stories?
Finally, my favourite line in this is definitely "they weren't cold." Another wonderful line. It's great that it's just there, on a line by itself. Adds so much impact.
Really enjoyed this! Thanks for the read, keep writing and congrats on the WCC win!
6Victoria BestHello! Sorry for the late WCC review.
I have to say, I really enjoyed this! Honestly, I don't have any critiques, other than it felt a bit short, like it needed a little more flesh. The character's voice is great - this detached, matter-of-fact character, showing almost sociopathic tendencies - but I just would have liked a little more to really throw me into his mind and his world, although this could just be a problem with the seriously tight wordcount of the WCC. Some more snark? Some dark descriptors? Some bizarre thoughts? I can imagine him dishing out some dark humour or throwing out some strange, maybe even creepy comments, reflective of his own mentality and personality. Would really suit the character and make him even more interesting. Also, I wasn't quite sure on the gender of the character, based on his voice alone. Male, I'm guessing? Please ignore me if it is specified and I misread.
Loved the narrative throughout. The short, terse sentences are brilliant. I especially loved the opening line, coupled with the line "he was dead by the time the paramedics arrived." Drew me into the story immediately.
I also liked the character's voice shining through the narrative. One great example is "to tell the truth, that was one of the reasons..." That whole paragraph was strong - it allows us just enough insight into the character's thoughts as he contemplates the funeral, without it being telling. The perfect balance between showing and telling. His voice came through in the dialogue, also, especially with his mother, such as the "I'm fine. I mean, it's fine" part. I would have perhaps liked a little more in this piece of dialogue, though - only because I didn't quite see its relevance. I just feel like it's missing another line or two to really make it jump off the page and stay in the reader's mind, but I do love the way you finished it with the "at least she didn't say she was proud of me" which was showing of their relationship.
"In retrospect, I should have gotten a haircut." I really liked this. Again, I'm getting sociopathic vibes from the character. He's at a funeral, and that's what he's thinking about? Just brilliant!
The plot was great from start to finish, and I agree with your reviewers that it felt creepy. Not horror creepy, but certainly psychologically creepy - a story that gets under the skin rather than bursts with blood and guts. This is definitely to my taste! And I could see this either being extended into a novella, or perhaps being in a collection with other short, psychological thriller-y stories?
Finally, my favourite line in this is definitely "they weren't cold." Another wonderful line. It's great that it's just there, on a line by itself. Adds so much impact.
Really enjoyed this! Thanks for the read, keep writing and congrats on the WCC win!
8/31/2016 c1 4lookingwest
I think this could be a piece that could do well with some expansion - so the prompt of keeping it under 2k could be lifted if you went back to do revisions on it - I'd like to see more from the 1st person narrators POV because though this does have serious implications - he's killing himself, basically (or wants to, I mean) - it was very lighthearted in some sense - and I think it would've been cool to zoom in more on this character that looks to "disappear" in such a way. As it is, the only thing right now that kept him from being an "Everyman" with little to no characterization was the "publisher" talk with his mother, which I enjoyed. I also did really like that he doesn't come out and "say" the plan of how he wants to die, but just goes ahead and does it - that was a great moment of showing instead of telling (would love more of that with why he would make such a choice - which might've been more "told").
In the beginning it took me a moment to figure out that "the old man" was the narrator's father - but that was cleared up quick enough and I wouldn't get rid of your opening in any way. I think it did a great job catching the reader's attention.
Anyway, you did great with the confines of the prompt though to make a full-circle story with a plot, which I liked. The ending did come a little abrupt with the "passing" out (in terms of plot) and I'm thinking maybe you could do a one-liner there or just not have him pass out and end with "and I smiled" and it would serve the same purpose of the snappy ending, but other than that I think you've got a great potential for a fun well-rounded story here.
And while this was largely dialogue driven with little flourish in setting (I sort of just pictured any Funeral Home in place of the Funeral Home) - I thought the conversations that do happen in the story (with his mother, with the people he upsets) - all ended up adding to the story in unique ways, like adding to that lighthearted tone or, as the conversation with the mother, characterizing our MC.
4lookingwestI think this could be a piece that could do well with some expansion - so the prompt of keeping it under 2k could be lifted if you went back to do revisions on it - I'd like to see more from the 1st person narrators POV because though this does have serious implications - he's killing himself, basically (or wants to, I mean) - it was very lighthearted in some sense - and I think it would've been cool to zoom in more on this character that looks to "disappear" in such a way. As it is, the only thing right now that kept him from being an "Everyman" with little to no characterization was the "publisher" talk with his mother, which I enjoyed. I also did really like that he doesn't come out and "say" the plan of how he wants to die, but just goes ahead and does it - that was a great moment of showing instead of telling (would love more of that with why he would make such a choice - which might've been more "told").
In the beginning it took me a moment to figure out that "the old man" was the narrator's father - but that was cleared up quick enough and I wouldn't get rid of your opening in any way. I think it did a great job catching the reader's attention.
Anyway, you did great with the confines of the prompt though to make a full-circle story with a plot, which I liked. The ending did come a little abrupt with the "passing" out (in terms of plot) and I'm thinking maybe you could do a one-liner there or just not have him pass out and end with "and I smiled" and it would serve the same purpose of the snappy ending, but other than that I think you've got a great potential for a fun well-rounded story here.
And while this was largely dialogue driven with little flourish in setting (I sort of just pictured any Funeral Home in place of the Funeral Home) - I thought the conversations that do happen in the story (with his mother, with the people he upsets) - all ended up adding to the story in unique ways, like adding to that lighthearted tone or, as the conversation with the mother, characterizing our MC.
8/31/2016 c1 20Ventracere
So this piece was a lot of fun. Looking at the other review, I thought it was going to be a little more scary, but this brought a different type of horror.
Something that I definitely enjoyed a lot was the emotion that came through the piece. It was a bit distant in the beginning of the piece, where we didn't know the characters, we didn't know the speaker, we weren't sure what exactly was going on except that it was someone in the coffin that she was close to. For some reason or another, I didn't grasp that it was her father. Then, of course, when the fact she couldn't breathe set in, it was like we were hit with a wave of panic and emotion.
Something that goes along with that as well is the pacing. It wasn't slow per se, but I was more captivated at the end. I had a couple questions going on in my head when she climbed into the coffin, but then I realized what was happening, which was when the pace of the piece began rolling for me. I was quite a speed up. Of course, that's a good thing - way to keep your reader engaged!
Character wise, I think the protagonist has quite a number of demons that we don't get to learn about. She's ready to die, but just when she is about to die, her point switches. It goes straight from I'm ready, to I don't want to die, I want to live. I don't want to say it was brave of her, but it's interesting that her father strangling her is what made her want to live. Kind of like herself, she's walking around dead inside, ready to go, but just as it is about to happen, she wants to be able to breathe again.
Grammar and spelling: "somone" - should be capitalized.
Writing/Description: This was something I really appreciated. It wasn't too heavy, but at the same time we got all the emotion, descriptions, and imagery just fine. It wasn't difficult to imagine the setting, and it was vivid enough to get what was going on. For me, your writing burst into color as she started getting strangled. Maybe that's just me.
Thanks for the read!
20VentracereSo this piece was a lot of fun. Looking at the other review, I thought it was going to be a little more scary, but this brought a different type of horror.
Something that I definitely enjoyed a lot was the emotion that came through the piece. It was a bit distant in the beginning of the piece, where we didn't know the characters, we didn't know the speaker, we weren't sure what exactly was going on except that it was someone in the coffin that she was close to. For some reason or another, I didn't grasp that it was her father. Then, of course, when the fact she couldn't breathe set in, it was like we were hit with a wave of panic and emotion.
Something that goes along with that as well is the pacing. It wasn't slow per se, but I was more captivated at the end. I had a couple questions going on in my head when she climbed into the coffin, but then I realized what was happening, which was when the pace of the piece began rolling for me. I was quite a speed up. Of course, that's a good thing - way to keep your reader engaged!
Character wise, I think the protagonist has quite a number of demons that we don't get to learn about. She's ready to die, but just when she is about to die, her point switches. It goes straight from I'm ready, to I don't want to die, I want to live. I don't want to say it was brave of her, but it's interesting that her father strangling her is what made her want to live. Kind of like herself, she's walking around dead inside, ready to go, but just as it is about to happen, she wants to be able to breathe again.
Grammar and spelling: "somone" - should be capitalized.
Writing/Description: This was something I really appreciated. It wasn't too heavy, but at the same time we got all the emotion, descriptions, and imagery just fine. It wasn't difficult to imagine the setting, and it was vivid enough to get what was going on. For me, your writing burst into color as she started getting strangled. Maybe that's just me.
Thanks for the read!
7/21/2016 c1 Sally
The was creepy as fuck.
The was creepy as fuck.